Lundi lundi, il faisait gris

 memory can be such a whimsical bish, like what do you mean we remember a song we sang in French class at Monacan High School in 1987 but not the name of the person we were just introduced to ? ! ?  

The fuck ! ? !

lol anyway~it is, obviously, a grey Monday morning, and I am absolutely over-the-moon thrilled about that.  A grey day in July?  In THE SOUTH ?!?  Where the Hot Angry Sky Ball tries to kill me daily for months at a time and where I have renamed September, August, Part Deux !?!  I considered going to the gym at work this AM and even got dressed but have ended up doing some isometrics at home because honestly . . . I don't wanna leave my house.  I took a lot of my vacation time this past weekend:  left work at noon on Friday, 10 AM that turned into 9 AM on Saturday, and 4 PM on Sunday {which was not nearly early enough on Sunday, I was in Oversize from 5 AM to 7 AM then Decant FROM 7 AM TO 4 PM, KILL ME NOW before I just collapse and die on the distribution center floor from fucking crapitalism}~but the Good News is that when I pulled in to the parking lot on Saturday morning, THERE WAS A U-HAUL TRUCK and strangers were carrying a large wooden table down the stairs from the second floor and I was like, Is that scrawny 12 year old looking mfr over by that U-Haul my upstairs neighbor, father of the infamous Screamer and her even less appealing brother, Thumper?  

I mean, babies gonna cry but you ain' gotta let your 3 year old pound around over over my head all day every day.  LEAVE THE FUCKING HOUSE, BITCH.  

They were terrible parents.

And~they are GONE ! ! ! 

I'm so used to writing text messages with an Apple keyboard on my iPhone that I'm automatically trying to add my favorite trio of emojis:  star eyes, celebrate face blowing party horn, and heart eyes.

Lol :)

Conversation with my mother this AM

 I called my mom this morning while I was on my way in to work-study {an excellent technique I employ because it gives the conversation a quick natural stopping point when I get to campus}.  She had indicated yesterday she had good news too long to text; it was in regards to her decision to treat her cancer naturally through homeopathy and diet, she’s found a practitioner in her area that she knew years ago.  So, good news.

I file my mother’s treatment choices under “her body, her choice” and wish desperately she believed the same for all women~unfortunately, my mother had been a single issue voter since the 1980s, and I do hold her partly responsible for the taking away of my reproductive rights.  Her granddaughters reproductive rights.  All of the other mothers and daughters and granddaughters out there who lost aegis over their bodies under Dobbs.

It’s just one of the many, many . . . so many things that make it so incredibly, exceptionally, agonizingly painful, in such a convoluted variety of ways, to deal with my mother.

I’m sure my kids have their own list, just as valid as mine.

ANYHOODLES.

I have difficulty feeling empathy and compassion for little me, but something happened today that cracked me open. As our conversation ended, Mom assumed excitedly that I had finished my first project for Physical Science, which, I have not.  But the way she did it~and, to be fair, she caught herself ~ was such an incredibly Parthian shaft to my heart, and I will be fifty-three in less than a month.  No wonder I have those voices screaming in my head that I am not enough, when I grew up desperately trying to please the maternal voice who was saying it out loud, always moving the bar, asking what was wrong with me, why couldn’t I do it?

Mom did the best she could with the pitifully little she had to give, which was not then, is not now, and at this point, never will be enough.  But I can look down at little me in my mind’s eye and mourn for what she tried to hard to do and never, ever succeeded enough.

too much too much too much too much

 I simply cannot cope with anything more any longer.  I can't even send a text to a friend right now.  What I wish more than anything is that there would be a switch in my brain so I could turn it off Off OFF.  This year.  This week.  It's all too much.  Finding out my mom has cancer.  Telling my kids that their grandmother has cancer.  Trying to figure out how to secure the funds to move back to Virginia WHICH I DO NOT WANT TO DO!  But there is simply no way that my mom & dad can cope with this by themselves.  They do have community support but they are at the point where they need actual boots on the ground.  They for sure do NOT need to be driving (also, how does the Richmond traffic now rival that of Nashville, which i had previously thought was the absolute shittiest?  Hell, I almost got rear ended in fucking LEBANON, my {once} small town Tennessee "home," now, according to a recent post on the Main Hip Lebanon on Facebook, the TWELFTH FASTEST GROWING TOWN IN THE * country * (whispered fervently to every curse I know).  

Got the bed goin’ up/on a Tuesday

 Rainy afternoon; spicy tomato soup & A Week in Winter by Maeve Binchy.   

Been up since 5 AM, cooked myself excellent tomato grits ( . . . I am sensing a . . . THEME . . . here, lol) for breakfast & went to Catherine’s 9 AM basic algebra class (she teaches the same class 3xs back to back to back all morning from 8 to 11 and she doesn’t care which one you go to~the day of the first big test I went to the 8 o’clock class AND the 11 just to get in the extra review, she’s an aMAZing teacher, I’m so blessed with all my professors this semester!) so I could go to the Dayton Freight presentation at 11 in the chapel at Memorial Hall.  The painted ceilings there date back to EIGHTEEN NINETY-TWO ! ! !  After that I had planned to go home for lunch, but I didn’t want to lose my parking space so I went back over to Labry & ate out of the vending machine while taking the reading quizzes that are due this Friday in algebra. Big mistake, my blood sugar sank to my toes after the double oatmeal cream pie.  I went down to Computer Lab early intending to work on the third Word module that was due Sunday that I still have not * started * but I felt so bad that all I could do was glimmerscroll through Instagram.  Fortunately Jan got there early and when I explained my predicament she told me to go ahead and go, she’d mark me present for class.  As soon as she saw my face she said I looked tired; I was sincerely wondering if I’d be able to make it home without vomiting.  

I did!  Changed clothes, rested.  Fed myself.  About to make tea and figure out how I need the rest of this week to go.  Tomorrow I need to be in Scotty’s office at 8 to start but actually plan to be there well before 8 and well prepared so I can make a good First Day of Work impression on Work Dad, particularly as he’s promised me a meal card for the dining hall and a health card for the university clinic.  I’m kind of excited, I feel like I’m gonna be right of middle of knowing everything on campus and being part of a community.  He really emphasized taking care of his employees and god knows I need all of that that is possibly obtainable!

Time to sink back into my book and return to Ireland.

godDAMN, it haz been A D A Y 😫😤🤬

 Got up at 7 to study for the first big math test today; I wasn’t feeling well last night so I dosed myself with hot soup, spirulina, zinc, and vitamin D & went to bed early.  thank goodness I woke up feeling better today.

Did a somewhat cursory review of what we’ve covered in algebra so far while brewing coffee and cooking breakfast and getting ready for school.  How tf was I up at 7 and STILL a minute or two late to class at ELEVEN ? ! ? THANK YOU ADHD AND TIME BLINDNESS 😤🤬😱

Made it through the test without sobbing, although my eyes did fill with tears a couple of times.  Catherine is SUCH a good teacher, I asked several questions {of course} and was the last one to finish {also of course}.  I did answer all the questions although I am sure I did not get all of the answers right, at least I can get some credit from trying/showing my work.

Went to the financial aid office and it’s a good damn thing I did.  I’m still confused and upset but again I did not sob or cry (although I wanted to) and I made some modifications which will hopefully give me at least some of the results/funding I desperately need with REI cutting my goddamned hours so fucking severely which they have said will CONTINUE.  I also looked at Amazon but all they have is part time as well.  Plus I got the paperwork for my federal work-study job on campus IN SECURITY LIKE HOW TF AM I A * cop * NOW ? ! ? ! ?  This is EGREGIOUSLY WRONG but also I need the fucking money so bad.  Like . . . I don’t even know how to express how stressed out I am.

I guess I’m gonna have to call my mom and ask her to co-sign on a Sallie Mae loan for me.  I don’t know what else to do and I cannot cope with this level of financial suffering and wholesale fullblown screaming sobbing am-I-gonna-be-homeless panic.

Anyway. I’m so overwhelmed rn. Constantly berating myself for fucking up by quitting Tritium.  I hated the way the company was managed but those 26.00 an hour PAYCHECKS.  I was bedrotting miserable but at least I wasn’t homeless?panicked.  Sigh.  Ofc in the usual way of time I still get no way back, no Time Machine, no way to change my shitty fucking decisions.

I know it will all work out one way or another.  I know I’ve survived worse.  So why can’t I stop crying.

It’s your birthday today.

My first new post in . . . two YEARS ? ! ?

 Left that job for a better job.  Ran up the ladder at the better job and was making 26.00 an hour but hated the management at the company.  Left that job for a better job, took a month off to contemplate and recover.  Ultium rescinded their job offer while I was visiting my parents at their new condo in Virginia without Zac for the first time since that tiny shield and buckler was born in 1997.  We were all very careful with one another-full credit to my mom and my dad there-and it went well, it made my mom very happy and that was what i wanted. 

Fast forward to today in September this year of our lord 2024 and I am back in school full time for the first time since the fall of . . . NINETEEN NINETY.  Yeah.  It's been a minute.  Hadn't even taken any classes since prior to 2002.  IT HAS BEEN.  UNE MINWEET.

Got another full time job.  Doesn't pay as well but I like the company, I work in a co-op.  The work is hard and I wonder if my body can withstand.

I go to algebra and my dyscalculia and my ADHD join hands and swing merrily around in my brain.  I reeled out of fractional exponents on Monday like I was drunk, literally staggered out of the door of the classroom.

Once i got on the elevator in Labry Hall, where all my classes except art are located, and tried to go to another floor except my class was actually . . . on THAT floor.  Smh.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm smart enough to get my bachelor's in my fifties.

What I really jumped on here to say this morning was this:  I woke up sevenish and got everything done.  I took Sasha out to pee, fed her, took her out to poop.  Got dressed and took my library books and art pass back to the local library; remembered to put my wounded favorite jeans back in George and take them to Freda at Klean-Way for additional surgical life saving measures; I can't live without them.  I took my deceased clematis back to Lowe's and got a refund (everything else I bought flourished, idk what happened with that clematis!  It was the most beautiful purple and I wanted it to LIVE).  Stopped at Home Depot otw home to check if they had mustard greens (Lowe's has everything else:  cabbage, broccoli, even Swiss freaking chard, even catnip!  But no mustard greens like I grew that one winter in the last apartment in Woodfalls and enjoyed so much); they did not.  I will check again.

Yesterday everything felt like too much and I cried over the water bill but I also had a really nice date at the Calabrian Brick Oven in Mt Juliet and hopefully I will see him again and hopefully my paycheck will hit my account today and be enough to where the water bill isn't making me cry and the thought of rent due October 1st doesn't keep me up at night.  Desperately counting on my student loan money coming in by the end of September like Stacy said it should the last time I saw her and frankly it's not a good place to be.

I miss the twenty-six dollars an hour.  I'm enraged at the many and myriad ways capitalism conspires to keep people scared, sick, and impoverished.  I want an easier life.

I want a man to love me and support me the way I have done for others for so long.  Someone I can lean on.  Someone I am safe with.

Rambling

 This post is freestyle:  me rambling about what I want to wear on my date tonight & accomplish over the weekend, probably full of insensibility and non sequiturs.

Tonight:  pH Cocktails in Nashville at seven.  Has been/will be raining off/on all day.  Heels or flats?  Date is 6' according to Bumble profile; according to my Instagram, I have been wearing the same floaty black double layered tank from Torrid on, like, my last eleven dates (good lord.  I have BEEN on *at least* eleven dates in the last month or six weeks.  High school me is aghast.  I mean Lindsay Lohan in Jamie Lee Curtis' body I LOOK LIKE THE CRYPTKEEPER level of shocked face).  So I kinda want to break of my self-apportioned mold and wear

~suddenly thinking about a light summer lasagna.  Fresh vegetables.  Pre roasted or grilled then layered with noodles, cheese, fresh tomatoes~puree for a fresh tomato sauce so the noods don't dry out?  A metric ton of fresh basil, oregano, and parsley.  A good Cabernet Sauvignon with it.  Whipped ricotta?  With more herbs.  Salted butter.  Possibly a bit of sausage to make it a bit more hearty but I do want it on the "light" side (if lasagna has a "light" side, lol!) certainly Garfield didn't, lmfaooooooooooo.

Okay, back to clothes musings. Was in the process of saying I wanted to wear something when I rudely interrupted myself with a mental lasagna recipe.  The background of my brain is contemplating the merits and drawbacks of a fresh tomato sauce vs. a creamy béchamel.  Damn, I looked it up and the béchamel looks so delicious and adds that butter plus extra cheesiness from the parmesan.  ANYWAY.  *forcibly drags self back to wardrobe options*

I am super self-conscious and want to look my absolute best the easiest way possible on first dates (well at all times but unfortunately that's not in the cards when I sweat at a warehouse five days a week and prefer to not wear a bra when I'm not at work).  The floaty black tank showcases my fabulous breasts but not in a showing too much kind of way, plus it's fantastic with whatever necklace I pair with it.  And a little sweater or wrap over it because air conditioning aka freeze the customer has begun in restaurant season in the South!  Also Nashville is an essentially casual town.  Not a lot of dresses or color worn here.  The women tend toward long, curled blond ringlets (with a halo hat if they consider themselves alternative) worn with neutrals like white, cream, and taupe with jeans and boots.

All of my boots are thigh high, lol.

And my wardrobe tends towards black because, let's face it, chiaroscuro is, in fact, a thing.  The Old Masters knew it when they painted their amazing canvases and I know it when I am trying to fashion this aging meat sack into a date worthy package.  In the words of Bill the Cat, ACK.

I need to paint my toenails, or have them painted, black or red.

Aw, my date tonight has been worriedly messaging me for like two days about trying to make a reservation at pH for this evening.  I don't think they even take reservations but it's nice to see someone else make an effort for a change.  Then he texted me saying he wanted to be up front that he'd gained weight since his photos on the app.  Lord have mercy, it's been a whole freakin' PANINI these past over two years, who tf HASN'T gained weight?  I've noticed it on a lot of my dates, that they're wearing clothes ever so slightly too small for them, and find it very endearingly vulnerable.

This has not brought me any further into making a decision on what I'm going to wear tonight.  I washed my black jeans last night. My favorite five inch black platforms are back from the shoe repair shop on the Square here in Lebanon.  I love them so (the shoes AND the shop).  Unfortunately, the shop is closing.  They have a GIGANTIC split-leaf philodendron in their store window that's approximately the same size as the plant in The Little Shop of Horrors, and the lady behind the counter that I always chat with told me I was welcome to a cutting.

*need to look up how to make a cutting of a split-leaf philodendron/propagate

I just got two beautiful new necklaces from my favorite online jewelry store; one is faceted electric blue crystals interspersed with giant seed pearls and it's the perfect length, I absolutely love the way it looks on.  The other is a "floating" pearl necklace, similar to one that one of Zac's old girlfriends was wearing in a picture he sent me of the two of them.  This was back when he was in high school and working at Jimmy John's, I've wanted one all this time~making my dreams come true, lmfaooooo!!!

My other standard date night attire is my Rachel Pally floor length maxi dress but it's raw edged and it really DOES sweep the floor, possibly not the best choice when it's been raining all day.  There's also my electric blue peplum top that I think I swiped from Gywnnie Bee when I was a member (wish I was still a member) and I also washed, dried, and this morning hung up my favorite soft black racerbank tank from Old Navy.  I have like three of them because they are perfect.  A higher necked, more casual version of my Torrid tank.

I also have the Torrid tank in Valentine's Day palest pink, WITH matching strappy longline bra~very sexy.  The last time I wore that combo on a first date (with the aforementioned black platform heels and black jeans and my grandmother's vintage mink) I had a great brunch followed by a MEMORABLE afternoon.

Definitely going to get out my great-grandmother's vintage diamond engagement ring and table-cut ruby ring.  Still surprised that they fit me now.  I wear the ruby on my left hand & the diamond on my right.