In the midst of the storm..

Psalms 107:29 (NKJV) - He calms the storm, so that the waves are still.

Having given birth to my first child, life has been full of changes each day. 

I have learned many new things, not only through caring for my son, but also through learning to live with my in laws. 

A few days after my son was born, my husband’s paternal grandmother had a stroke caused by a bleed in her brain. 

A month after that, my father in law had a 6 feet fall from a slope while cutting grass. He sustained a bleed in his brain, and fractures to his left scapula and ribs. He then underwent an emergency surgery and thankfully survived. 

Five months forward and both of them have recovered miraculously and are able to be independent in most of their daily activities. 

It has been a struggle for me to adapt to so many changes at once. 

The worse was probably being separated from my husband for almost 3 weeks as he stayed with my father in law throughout his recovery. Being a new mother, I needed all the emotional and spiritual support from my husband. But I stood strong and learned to look to God for strength throughout those times. 

Then, I had to adapt to living in a new place and learn to let the unexpected things go. We make plans, yes. But although things and circumstances change,I learned to acknowledge that God is always in control. 

I am grateful for a supportive family from both sides. We need to make changes for a better tomorrow at times, but it can be tough. 

Everyday, I thank God for the blessings in my life and lean on Him for strength. Many times, I take care of my son alone, and it requires a lot of patience and tenderness. Listening to God’s voice in the midst of all the advice given by people around me, kept me going. 

I have learned to give and not expect anything in return. 

I learned to be silent in times of chaos and instead, react in the tenderness of God’s love through the convictions of the Holy Spirit. 

Most importantly, I learned to be humble and still before God.

He reaffirmed what I have always told people when they point out the flaws in Christians today - no one is perfect. If we look to humans, we will be disappointed someday. But if we look to Him that is perfect, we will find peace and joy. 

Life is an adventure indeed. We just got to look up to the Lord instead of worrying when the storm surrounds us. For when we do look up, we’ll know that there is peace in spite of the fierceness of the storm if we fix our eyes on Him who is in control of everything. 

To be still..

There comes a time in life when things have to change.

Not everyone likes changes in their lives. Changes can be good or bad.

Having given birth and now caring for my son, a lot of changes have happened in my life.

I'm learning to submit to God's authority, my husband and my parents.

I'm also deciding to give up my old life to make room for new things in the days to come, starting with my career.

Wave after wave of exhaustion has washed over us as events unfolded itself after Joseph's birth: Ah Ma's stroke, my father-in-law's near death experience and above all, the testing of my priorities and the shaking of  my faith.

Indeed, like Abraham, do I have the faith to place what I hold most dear on the altar of sacrifice?

I wish I had faith like Abraham. To be able to obey, without questioning. Knowing full well that God is in control. Keeping his eyes fixed on what is above and beyond his circumstances.

We started the year with a devotion on horses. It is after all the year of the horse.

Psalm 20:7 - Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; but we will remember the name of the LORD our God. (NKJV)

What are the horses in my life?

Knowing what must be done, and doing it is difficult at times. Submission is something difficult to do.

Indeed, the way to heaven is a narrow path.

The ability to look beyond our circumstances and look up to God is something I'm still learning.

Adaptation, acceptance, humility, forgiveness and submission. These are my new subjects to study and learn as I wait upon God's strength. Learning to be still before the Lord is also something new in my season.

And the journey has just begun. The new chapter is beginning.

I thank God for all that He's given me. For all that I've gone through, am going through and will go through with His strength and grace, I give Him praise. For all the people that He has put in my life, past, present and future, I give Him thanks and glory.

To God be all the glory, forever and ever. Amen!

A continuation of this journey..

Something that caught my attention as I listened to a MP3 album that I had some time ago, which I felt compelled to share to re-start this blog after a long hiatus. 

God reveals Himself to those who listens to His voice. 

Throughout the ages, the rich and the poor, the mighty and the lowly, the young and the old, the brave and the frightened, have found refuge in the Lord.

We are part of that family of faith who have experienced the joy of God with us, the assurance of God for us, and we testify to the mystery and the wonder of God in us. 

I am a proud king, kneeling as I gladly yield my throne to the King of Kings.

I am Moses, talking face to face to God, on Mount Sinai.

I am a soldier, willing to obey my Commander's next order. 

I am Abraham, offering up my dearest treasure: my own son, on the altar of my own making. 

I am a fearful child, with my hands raised up, needing my Father's comforting embrace.

I am clay, silently submitting to the careful moulding of the Potter's hands.

I am a lost lamb, gently carried in the arms of my Shepherd.

I am Daniel, seeing the angels of the Lord enter into the lion's den. 

I am David, charging out in the name of the Lord to face Goliath in battle. 

I am Joshua, shouting for all I'm worth as the walls of Jericho come crashing down. 

I am Isaiah, knocked off my feet by a glimpse of the Father on His throne, and in awe of the epiphanal cry of "Holy Holy Holy! Is the LORD God Almighty!".

I am one of the Israelites watching the hand of God hold back the Red Sea!

I am a servant, eager to fulfil my Master's plans and wishes. 

I am a patient, putting myself in the hands of the Great Physician.

I am a shepherd, seeing the heavens ablaze with the glory of the Heavenly Hosts as they proclaim the birth of the Messiah.

I am one of the wise men, who followed the star. I open my gifts and bow before a baby, who is the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords!

I am a blind man, who has been touched by Jesus, and who can now see. 

I am a leper who has been touched by Jesus, and is now clean!

I am a lame man, who has been touched by Jesus and can now walk.

I am a guilty woman, who was so happy to be forgiven, that I spent my life's savings to buy Jesus some oil, that I pour on His feet.

I am a little boy, handing Jesus my lunch, and watching Him feed thousands with it.

I am a girl, once demon-possessed, who was touched by Jesus, and is now free!

I am a thieving criminal, dying on the cross, who has just been offered a place in paradise.

I am Mary Magdalene, who was at the tomb, when an angel said, "He is not here! He has risen just as He said!".

I am John, the beloved Apostle, looking through the universe to find someone worthy of opening the scroll, and weeping because none is worthy.

I am John, hearing the angels tell me, "Not to worry, because the Lion has triumphed. He is able. Yes, the Lion of Judah is worthy!".

I crane my neck, hoping for a glimpse of Him. 

And I'm shocked that what I see is not a lion, but a lamb.

A lamb that had been slain for the sins of the world!

For my sin... 

Then I heard ten thousand times ten thousand angels.

In a loud voice they sang, " Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power, and riches, and wisdom and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing!".

Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth, and under the earth, and on the sea.

And they were singing, "To Him who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb be praise, and honour, and glory and power forever and ever and ever!". 

Such a wonderful ride through the lives of men and women throughout time as they experienced God in their own ways. An amazing journey that has yet to end, even in our lives today. God is still so real, and truly, He is the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. Amen!

Another year gone by..

It's been some time since I last put in an entry here. Just realized today that we're one week away from a new year, and hence, I decided it's time to put in my thoughts again before this year fades away.

It's my second year as a medical officer in the medical department. There has been a lot of learning, frustrations, pondering and wandering about my decisions in this department. I am happy when my patients become better and trot happily back home.

I thank God for my specialists who have been so kind and patient with me through my stumbles and learning process. There is truly never an end to learning in medical field. Everyday, I learn some thing new, and discover some thing I have missed. I still strive to make the right decisions for my patients, and hope that they will all be able to make a good recovery. But some times, I get tired because most of them actually get themselves into this condition in the first place- lifestyle and healthy way of living is so essential to preventing complications of diseases. We are truly what we eat!

Then there is the beginning of the biggest change in my life: planning for my wedding in 2012. The whole idea seems surreal to me still, and everyday that goes by makes me realize I'm just one step closer to this new chapter in my life. A lot of reflections have gone through my mind and plannings have been on going. One thing for sure, I know God is in control of the events. It is in His hands that I have placed the worries of who will be my photographer, who will be my wedding dress maker, make up artist, videographer, location of the wedding and dinner, whether I will get my leave for my wedding or who will worship lead for my wedding.

He is after all our guest of honor :) And this ceremony is meant to honor our covenant with each other and Him, and hopefully be a testimony to others out there, that God can be the center of our lives in this world of uncertainties.

So, I'm at peace at where we go from here. This is only the beginning after all to a long year ahead. I pray for all the people who will be coming to this event, I pray that they will be blessed with a smooth journey and a renewed passion to seek Him daily, I pray that the day will be one with beautiful weather, I pray that the food will be good and that my guests will be happy, and most of all I pray that everyone will have a good time and be blessed!

To God be all the glory and honor, amen.

Happy birthday Jesus!

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. "

Isaiah 9:6

An outdated post

Happened to find this when I was stuck in the airport, with a lesson never to be late for flights cause there is a possibility of missing flights :) just thought I'd post this up here, as it is long overdue..

Musings

It’s been a month since I left behind the cries and amusing antics of children behind in the paediatrics department. My last few weeks in paediatrics was like a journey downhill after climbing up a steep mountain – increasingly exhilarating and enjoyable – in view of more people being in my department to share the workload and calls, and also because I had finally begun to enjoy working with children.

One of my memorable moments in general paediatrics would be of a 5 year old child with recurring leukaemia, who insisted that I took his blood for him, and even managed to remind me to be humble in the process. I had thought that after pricking so many kids at that time, that I would actually know which needle size was best for him. He said he wanted the “baby” needle and I told him gently that I am going to use a slightly bigger one because it’s just too difficult to get his blood with such a small needle. He gave in to me after I promised I would only try once.

I pricked, and he held himself steady. He squirmed a bit when I started poking around the obvious vein which was not giving me it’s contents. Bewildered, I finally gave up and removed the needle with no results. I swallowed my pride and asked him if I could try again, this time, he would show me how, and I would follow.

We did it his way the second time.

And no sooner had I inserted the “baby” needle, his blood flowed happily into my awaiting test bottle.

I later bought him ice cream as a gesture of saying thanks for teaching me to be humble and to listen to my patients more!

There were other memorable moments as well. Like the tim

e, I had to wake one of my long term patient to take blood at 5a.m – another 5 year old boy, who astounded me with the way he took his medications: No fuss, no crying, just drink it all up obediently, and then follow me quietly, even holding my hand, as we walked to the treatment room to have his blood taken. He even shows me which vein to take from, and sits down quietly beside me with fascination as I prick him and milk his blood into the test bottle.

I remember secretly wishing my kids would take their medication as well as he does in the future.

Then there were other kids who liked to play with my stethoscope, announce me as “doctor saya” proudly to the world, pat my leg when they needed attention, or simply did amusing acrobatics out of boredom.

There was one time, I was on call and doing my rounds in the ward. I had finished seeing my patients in the isolation room, and was writing down my entry at a table. I could see my patient, a 10 month old girl, amusing herself in the cot through a glass window. As I was writing down the vital signs, I almost had a heart attack because I saw that the student nurse had written her blood pressure as something like 50/30 mmHg, with a pulse rate of 120 beats per minute.

I stared for a moment trying to comprehend what stupid person would write such a thing and not inform anyone, my thoughts already in a whirlwind of what I’m going to say to the student nurses, and I happened to look up and saw my 10 month old patient doing acrobats, literally in her cot.

She was looking at me upside down and smiling, with her back in an arch like some gymnast, both her hands holding on to the rails. And the thing which made me laugh despite my annoyance was that she was licking the rails in a very funny manner, like she was having icecream.

Needless to say, I went and put her back properly, and then went to deal with the nurses, because another 5 year old patient of mine also had weird blood pressure reading. But I had a smile on my face as I was telling them where they went wrong. They repeated the blood pressures of the children of course, which turned out normal. Some times I cannot help wondering about the level of intelligence in my generation – is it really that hard to record what a machine says properly?

My first day in the emergency department was like myself being freed after serving a jail sentence. I felt so liberated and free, and for the first week, I couldn’t help smiling, and my colleagues said I had this glow on me. I didn’t even mind wearing lab coats again!

All in all, I had a great time in paediatric department and I learned a lot, not only formally but also informally about how to deal with young patients and their parents. It was an eye opening 4 months for me, and I really thank God for bringing me through despite the uphill climb.

However, I really enjoy working shift in emergency department, and I really hope and pray that someday, every single department in the ministry of health will encourage us to have shift system so that we can have more time to spend with our families and loved ones rather than work – there’s more to life than work! I like this 8 hour work thing, and on calls where we work from 8a.m to 5p.m, go back home and come back again at 10p.m to do our call till 8a.m the next morning.

Why can’t every department be like this?

I guess it’s because we don’t have ward work to do, which makes working easy because once we finish shift, we just pass over the rest of the patients to our colleagues. We can’t exactly do that in wards I suppose, or some unscrupulous people will be taking MORE advantage of other people (it’s common now anyways..).

Time in emergency department is flying by fast. I’ve already been in this posting for a month, and I’m enjoying my work, except for when I’m in the green zone where I get irritated by people coming with all sorts of nonsense and asking for medical leave certs from me, just because they have a cold or flu-like symptoms, with no fever.

Really learn how to be patient with patients here. I understand how general practitioners feel after this, and that’s why I don’t think I can ever open my own clinic cause I’d just kick anyone who comes in asking for medical certs from me for no reason.

I’ll continue my musings another time cause I’m off for on call in a bit.

Stepping into Faith

"Okay Lord, if I'm not meant to go, then Your will be done."

The situation seemed so small yet difficult only a day ago. I had planned to go to Bali at the end of September 2010 since early this year, and had taken the risk of booking the tickets, hotel and tour guide way in advance..

Now the time had come to apply for my leave to go.. It was over a weekend, and I would only be gone for 6 days in total, and well, the department would not collapse without me around. Would it?

Just a week ago, I found out that to apply for leave to go overseas, I would have to fill in a lot of forms, provide the government with a copy of my passport, insurance cover and write a letter to the state health division supervisor. So, obediently, I prepared the necessary documents, and then I found out that my leave may not be approved because it happened to be during a time in which there were VERY few people in the department.

I had thought that my on calls next month would be crazy, may be a total of 6-10 calls, and I would have many sleepless nights ahead, in concordance with the public holidays and lack of staff.. The climax had to be yesterday morning, when my head of department called me while I was doing rounds in the ward, to tell me that he had to reject my leave application as there was simply insufficient people around to cover the work in the department. My heart sank, but I boldly explained that I needed the leave cause I simply could not cancel it due to my bookings and arrangements..

If I had booked to go somewhere local, I would have postponed it in a heartbeat, but this was just too difficult and impossible to post pone or change. How was I suppose to know this was the time when everyone would be fighting for leave due to exams and courses? I felt so guilty and stupid for committing to something which I had not really confirmed in the beginning..

My boss' last words on the phone to me were, " Your leave is not finalized yet.". And before I could say thank you, there was the phone tone on the other end. I went back to rounds, and tried to put on a brave face, while silently wondering whether he was irritated with me for being bold enough to ask for leave when we were so short of people.

To top up, my sister had just finished her clinical exams for end of semester 7, and she was not very optimistic when I spoke to her in the evening, to the extent that I told her if she had to go for viva, just do her best and let God do the rest.

That night, I prayed that God will see my sister through her exams, and that His will be done regarding my leave issue. And once again, I had the urge to put a certain portion of verses into my memory verse book-- which I'm still trying to memorize --- and this was it:-

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

Long verse, but very applicable to the situation that I was in at that time. A sense of acceptance came over me- whatever the situation, I would face it and deal with it as it came, cause I knew God was with me, and no amount of worrying would change the outcome anyways. Money can be earned back anyways, and well, I had learned an important lesson when it came to planning leaves in the future-- NEVER ask for leave near the local master and MRCP exam times!

So the next day came.

I went to work as usual. My sister texted me saying she was going to university to get her results, and then after that she said she was not in viva list, so she was hoping for the best.

Subsequently, I received a phone call from her-- she passed! Everyone in the batch passed except one person who failed straight, and another who apparently went for viva, but passed the viva. Praise God! But for the one who didn't pass, I still praise God cause I believe God has His reasons for letting this happen, and I hope the person passes the resit exam in 6 months time.

Afternoon came, and I was informed that we had a meeting with the boss to discuss the schedule for next month. And I went, expecting nothing, and prepared to cancel my leave, but I saw to my surprise and relief, that my leave was approved on the schedule! God is good!!

And to add to the joyous affair, I checked the tentative on call schedule, and to my surprise, I had only FOUR on calls the whole month, and I had the last two weekends off!

God really gives, and adds in a bit of bonus also! I expected to have crazy on calls, but I never expected to have only 4 calls next month.. but I did note that I was going to be in a difficult ward for the next few months, however I still resolve to be the shining beacon for God whatever the situation.. Everyone needs God's love..I'll still work hard for my patients..

So here I am sitting with my laptop at the end of this day, reflecting on the events of the day, and remembering that I have so much to thank God for.

Thank You Lord, I really enjoyed my presents today and the lesson on faith, yet again :)

Decisions..

How does one make a choice regarding another person's life?

Today, I had a patient who is a foreigner. He had spent the last 3 years in my country working to make a decent living to send some income back to his wife and 4 year old son back home.. Now he comes in, is diagnosed with a chronic liver disease secondary to hepatitis B, which he obtained through vertical transmission (mother has it too), and is in the stage where his liver is going to fail if we don't intervene with medication to reduce the viral count in his blood.

But what holds us back? MONEY.

Being a foreigner means he would have to pay for all the procedures, blood tests, the number of nights he spends in our THIRD class ward, and the medication we give him.

What does he work as? A cleaner or odd job worker in an office.

I some times think we take a lot of things for granted in the government service. But we do these things for our patients rather than for ourselves. After all, they pay taxes too..

But if we take away the fact that this man wasn't born in our country, that he probably doesn't pay tax cause his income is insufficient, and that he is stuck with this chronic disease, we are left with a human being who is unwell..

And my job requires me to treat that person with whatever resources I have.

How can I advice the patient to go back to his own country for further treatment knowing full well that he might not be able to afford it there as well?

We can't offer to give him a liver transplant either cause the virus is in his blood and it would cost him a fortune to get the operation done anyways. The only thing we can offer to him is medication to reduce the viral load in his body so that we can buy him some time..And that medication costs money, which he cannot afford for long term most likely..

I felt helpless as I chatted with him from the foot of his bed.

I felt like I was just watching him expire in front of me, slowly but surely..

I accept that death is inevitable for everyone, but I just felt sorry for his predicament, and the future of his wife and son.

So, what is my choice, or rather, options? As a human being, I would actually want to start his medication and follow up on him as long as he lives. But as a doctor, I know his time is short lived no matter what I do..

It's a tough call, but someone has got to make a decision for him.

And the clock still ticks on...

"¹²Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. " Colossians 3:12