When I found out that I would be serving in intercessory for this Awaken, the first thing that came to my head was "God, you are seriously testing me." Not because I was afraid of intercessory prayer, but because there were a few individuals in the team whom I have prior issues with. I felt like He had purposely moved me out of environment to intercessory because He wanted to test my patience by making me serve together with these people.

As the days grew nearer, I just kept praying to God to help me to serve wholeheartedly for Him and the participants. To help me let go of all my prejudices and dislike for these individuals, at least for the duration of Awaken so that my heart can be fully focused on Him. As I entered Awaken, I realised that all those feelings were significantly lessened, and most importantly, were just fleeting moments. I could push aside the feelings and let Him work through me. He really showed me what it means to be humble and docile. Throughout Awaken, I just let myself go and allowed myself to be empty. I was really just seeking to be His instrument, that everything I did in the course of the four days would be for the participants and nothing for myself. It was so hard. And for the first time in my life, I had to let go of my pride, let go of my anger, let go of my knowledge, and just became this little foolish child of God, who didn't know anything and would just listen to whatever Daddy God says. I am so amazed at what He works through us when we just humble ourselves and let His love flow through us.

What really struck me serving in intercessory is how much I grew. My faith and trust in God was just multiplied tenfold, maybe even hundredfold. In those moments when I was so scared and didn't know what to do during the intercession sessions, I would just turn to God and trust in Him. It was in the moments that I placed everything in Him that amazing things happened. My knowledge is still limited, but I know through and through in my heart that He loves me and I can trust in Him no matter what. Although it's not going to be easy to trust in this truth all the time because of all my insecurities and deep hurts, the belief is still there and it is something I can always rely on in my darker hours.

Another thing that has really amazed me is how much loving and encouraging words can flow from my mouth when I give it to His use. He has shown me once again how I can be a great mentor and friend. I had forgotten how to do that over the years after all the hardness and bitterness has filled my heart and made me into a foul mouthed and critical person. I need to let His love flow through me, especially through my mouth. It was so heart-warming to be affirmed by Ryan that my words had helped him through his struggles in intercessory. Especially since he was one of those who I really felt that God was testing me by putting us in the same team (again).

I can be such a great servant of God, helping and guiding and journeying with His people. I just need to remember to fall back on Him at all times. I am so grateful for being placed in this team, it was a great and timely reminder that my life is not my own to live, but I live it with Christ who lives in me, and it is His will that I should follow, not my own. And also thankful that I was assigned for the second reading on the last day which was the exact message that I needed to be reminded of.

Awaken is such a wonderful retreat because, it changes the lives of the participants, but not only that, it pushes the service team to grow and love so much deeper. Awaken to God's Love!

Joyce posted a sharing on facebook and at the end of it was that bible verse. I'm glad I clicked on read more. It's my first time encountering this verse, but it sure does put my life over the past 4/5 years into so much perspective.

As I was typing this, the hymn In His Time started playing in my head. Especially the one line "He makes all things beautiful In His time". I believe that as broken and hurt I am right now, He will make me beautiful once again. I just need to trust in His time.

Is it really going to come down to that? You treated me like a stranger the whole time. The only thing I can do right now is to respond in kind. I said I was willing to wait. After what happened, walking away seems to be the easier option. Strangers in the same room. It seems like that is what we've become. What's going to happen next? Your move.

This song expresses so much of what I'm feeling right now.

I don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care,
and I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
Worth the price, the price that I would pay

I've been here waiting for someone who uses me at their own convenience. When it's good, we're friends. When it's not good for her, silence. And surprisingly, I still find myself standing here waiting. I'm willing to wait.

I've come to find, I may never know
Your changing mind, is it friend or foe?
I rise above or sink below
With every time you come and go
Please don't, you come and go

I really don't know what you are thinking any more.

Somehow this whole situation is making me feel extremely stupid. I don't know if all this is worth it. I don't know if I should continue fighting for it. I want to so badly. I want that connection that we had, but I can't keep trying if you're not pulling. It feels like you've already dropped your end of the rope. I'm not strong enough.

I guess I just expect too much sometimes. The expectations sometimes don't match up to reality. The problem here lies in my expectation that our friendship was more than just casual schoolmates. The problem here lies in that I don't understand you. The problem here lies in me wanting too much. Easiest way to solve this? Stop expecting.

You keep asking if we're still friends, you say you still want to be friends, you still think we're friends.

You will always be a part of my life. 

Had a chat with Hafiz for a while after work today, and we ended up talking about the working environment. I guess so far, this is one of the better work environments I've had. It's a strict when it comes to the work standards, but not unreasonable. They are flexible with schedules and understanding when we have other commitments. Also the relationship between managers and staff, and between staff, is a very friendly one. Everyone helps each other out. Even when mistakes are made, it doesn't become a blame game, but it's really about learning and not repeating the same mistake again. I really do like this type of work environment. Too bad this isn't the industry I want to be in, or I might consider staying on in this job for a longer while. It's really just a holiday job for me. But I'm really glad that I have a good environment. This type of environment makes you do your job professionally and as perfect as you can, but doesn't make you dread heading to work. 

Well, school will be starting again in two and a half weeks. And then it's back to being (or trying to be) the dedicated and diligent student. No more working for me. I need my time to relax! Anyway, Awaken is once again coming up! Come November, I will be busy with studying and Awaken prep, I won't have time to do much else. 

I hope that when I do start work proper, I will have a good work environment. It makes a lot of difference. A bad work environment will make you dread work. You will end up dragging yourself to work and hate what you're doing daily. And what sort of life would that be? Even though what I'm doing now isn't my dream job, the good environment makes me happy to work there. The best thing is to be happy where you're working, whether it's your dream job or not, look at the good things.

Remember the good things in life, and then the bad will become insignificant.

I don't think I'll ever get married or be in a long-term relationship.

To me, the most important people in my life are my parents. I can leave anyone behind, but ask me to give up on my parents, never. My life has been so totally blessed and comfortable because of all that my parents have done for me. Without them, I would be nothing. I want to live my life all for myself and to be there for them. I don't have to take care of them financially. Thanks to my parents strict and simple lifestyle, they have saved up enough to tide them over. Whatever I can give them, would be an added bonus. But the emotional support and care is the best I can give them, especially my mum. Yes, I do fight with my mum, I do disagree with her, but I do my best not to hurt her. Sometimes I unintentionally do so, but I know that she will always love me, and I will always love her. My dad is the most awesome, supportive and understanding dad I could ever ask for. He has been there supporting all decisions, even if they're not the best ones. He lets me choose my own path with his guidance. He will advise me and guide me but ultimately, he lets me make my own choices. My parents are the ones who made me who I am today. Watching them, their choices, how they treat their own parents and siblings, has really taught me how to be a good person.

I will always put my parents first. If it comes down to choosing between my parents and my partner, I will choose my parents. The thing is, I don't want to be in that situation. I know that it's a really hard choice, and I don't want to put myself, my parents or my partner through that. It will affect all. 

Another reason is that I don't want to have to answer to anyone. I want to be able to live my life and do what I enjoy. I don't want to have to change my habits or lifestyle because someone else doesn't like it. If I change, it would be because what I'm doing is not right or good for myself, not because someone else doesn't like it. I've seen many couples where because one party does not like the other doing certain activities, they stop and consequently become very unhappy or lose something/people important to them. This is me, if you truly love me, accept me for my good and bad. If it is necessary to change myself or my habits, let me decide, not you. I'm not being selfish, I will not totally disregard what my partner dislikes, but I will not change it just because my partner doesn't like it, if I do change, it will be because I want to or need to.

I've seen so many couples who are perfectly happy in their own right, but I just don't seem to want what a long-term relationship entails. At least not right now. I would be perfectly happy if I end up in a relationship right now with someone I truly have feelings for, but I'm seriously not looking at marriage. I just want to enjoy my life as it is now. 

I guess I'm suited for the single life. I will have a family, just not the traditional one. I will always have my parents and community and friends and significant people. They are my family, and I'm happy with that. If I do end up married, it would be cool but looking at my life now, I don't think it will happen.

Plus the fact that my mum thinks I'm going to be single too. She was talking about buying a corner unit and the one next to it, then we can just block off the whole corridor because both would belong to us. She said she and daddy would buy one and by then I would be 35 already so I can buy the other one. So we would be living together but I would still have my privacy of my own house. She believes I will still be single then! 

But I wouldn't want that! I would want to stay near my parents, maybe the next block but not next door!

The first semester of poly life is over. It went by quickly, but the friendships and bonds also formed quickly. I'm really thankful that I have found people who I can really connect with and relate to, people who make me feel comfortable and at home. It's not just my classmates, but with the seniors as well. I'm glad it's such a small course. We really have the opportunity to get to know our course mates across all 3 years. And even get to be close to our lecturers. Our lecturers actually joined us for our chalet/barbeque and even joined a small group of us for karaoke on Friday. But somehow the ones I hung out with more during the term time are the ones I have not seen or hung out with this holidays. 

Results came out a while back. I'm really happy with my results. Could I have worked harder? Yes. Could I have put in more effort? Definitely. But at least I did enough to secure the grades I need. Now the pressure is on to maintain that performance. Now it's going to be a question of consistency. I have to be consistent in my work. I have to keep on working at it. I have to maintain this sort of effort and put in more. I need to maintain my grades.

Honestly, I want to do better than I did this semester. I faltered at the end. I let complacency set in again. I let the fear of exams and failure get to me, I once again blanked out over some questions. For the rest of my poly life, I must be consistent from the start. I must not neglect any of my modules, I cannot assume that I will do well just because I get it from the start. I must keep on putting in my best effort throughout. I must be more diligent. I have an aim, I have a target, I have an expectation. I will meet it. I met my target for semester 1, didn't exactly get what I aimed for, but the expectation still stands strong.

New season of life, new behaviours and standards, same old kiddo.