A New Adventure

By on November 5, 2023

I wanted to be a rock star when I grew up. There were a few other more attainable career goals I had which changed as I pursued them. For instance, I began college as a pre-pharmacy major. Then I took zoology and realized I could not handle dissections. Then I took college chemistry and realized I didn’t really like it. Well, I didn’t like learning the theory at the time. Of course, getting a concussion the first full week of my first fall semester didn’t help with anything. So, I fell back to my previous desire to be a programmer and changed my major to Computer Science. Assembly language and discrete math happened, so I switched majors again to Industrial Technology concentrating in manufacturing. After graduation, I joined the Air Force and built a career in another IT – Information Technology. After getting my master’s in IT, I decided that when I thought I wanted to be a programmer, I really just wanted to play games.

A few years ago I decided I was going to change career fields. I got an associates in Human Services and absolutely LOVED it. But I kept doing IT. And then I got back into debt and felt stuck. But after 28 years I took a leap and sold my house to move back to my childhood home and start all over.

Where the house was. Now overgrown with kudzu at its summer peak.

The plan was to get the kids in a rental house or apartment and get a job to pay bills while building a woodworking business and turning my 40 acres into a self-sustaining farm. But things haven’t gone according to the plan.

It took me 2 months to find a job making less than half what I was making. I at least like this job much better. It took my youngest 4 months to find a job. So by that point all the savings was gone, all the money from selling the house was gone, and the credit cards were maxed out again. I got most of the material bought for building a woodworking shed, but circumstances happened so that my cousin wasn’t able to work on it with me – one of those being the ridiculous heat.

This whole adventure has been unbelievably hard and humbling. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone for help, but while I have a job, I don’t make enough to cover the debt and expenses even while living off grid. So I’ve had to ask for money, for supplies, and for food. I think about getting a second job and then remember that’s what the business is supposed to be. Now that it’s getting cold, I have to get more hardened shelters up for us and can’t work on a temporary shop. One of my cousins brought over his camper the other night before the rain hit so we wouldn’t freeze. That was an absolute Godsend.

I’ve had quite a bit of help from family and friends. All I have to do is ask. But that is the really hard part. Because running alongside my need for help is the narrative my dad gave me as I was growing up in which I can hear him saying, “See, I told you that you are stupid and irresponsible.” What I actually am is ADHD with a TON of trauma and probably some autism. (Comorbidity is a bitch for sorting out why you are the way you are and do the things you do.) When you’ve been given an identity by a primary caregiver since birth, it is deeply embedded and takes a lot more than positivity and self-talk to overcome. Heck, it’s taken a ton of 12 Step work and therapy just to identify. The thing is, when you’ve heard it from a parent, you are going to automatically assume everyone else thinks the same thing – “You’re stupid and irresponsible.” – and when you are raised in a culture of Social Darwinists, you believe you deserve all the bad/negative consequences of your bad choices because “You made your bed, now lie in it.” So, I keep my fears and pain to myself, and try to dig out by myself, but the hole just keeps getting deeper, and the shame piles on higher making it even harder to dig.

I’ll never be the rock star I wanted to be growing up, and that’s fine. I’m doing IT work in a factory so I’m finally working in my undergraduate field. I chuckle about it, but I think my undergrad advisor was on to something when he advised me to concentrate in manufacturing. I like to make stuff and build stuff and I feel almost at home as I walk through the plant to work on an issue. That’s why I’m still going to work toward my other dream of woodworking. I’m still going to work toward a dream of a self-sufficient farm – a farm that pays for itself so that I am less reliant on store-bought food. It’s frustrating that it’s going to take much longer than I thought and with a lot more outside help to get going.

I didn’t set out to share quite as much as I did in this first post in months, but the words were ready to flow so I let them. Perhaps that vulnerability will help me social media beg for supplies and money later. Haha! (Laughing like I’m not serious.)

If you made it through that mess, thanks for stopping by and reading. I’ll add links somewhere at some point for help with expenses and necessities. Peace to you!

This entry is filed under 500 Words, Confessional, Life, nablopomo, Photos. | 6 Comments

New England Trip

By on June 20, 2022

The trip was originally planned for my 50th birthday back in 2019. Not only did I turn 50, but I had just finished all my courses for my 2nd Associates. I felt I needed to celebrate graduating with a 4.0 after working full time and college full time while also going through a divorce and a significant job change. I should note that is why I fell into a deep depressive burnout which was exacerbated by the pandemic. But I digress. I never went on the trip because my bank account told me no.

I’d been sitting here unemployed since mid-January. I wasn’t actually sitting as I finished and started a lot of projects. I decluttered, I cleaned, I cussed a blue streak every time I worked on cleaning out the shed. I knew when my kids and all the pets started annoying me that I needed a break, and so I planned and executed last minute the trip I originally planned over 2 years ago.

The original plan was to travel to Stamford, CT where my 8th great grandfather Rev John Bishop is buried. He was the first of the Bishops to come to the colonies. His burial site is unknown, but it is in Stamford along with his 2 wives. The original memorial made by his sons was replaced in 1865 by one made by a great grandson and sits in the cemetery behind St Andrew’s Episcopal in Stamford.

Rev. John Bishop came to Stamford from Massachusetts Bay in 1644 and officiated as minister of the congregational church in this place to the time of his death 1694
St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church

I had decided since I was that far north, I might as well make a trek through the remaining northeastern states I’ve never been to. Thanks to genealogy research, I knew 8th great grandfather Rev John first settled in Taunton, MA. I used that as a stop on my northeast circuit traveling from Stamford to Taunton through Rhode Island, stopping in RI long enough to pee. (This won’t be the last reference to bathroom stops.)

Taunton, MA

From Taunton, MA, I traveled through Boston (and downtown Boston thanks to Google rerouting me around traffic) up to Kittery, ME.

Fort McClary State Historical Site, Kittery, ME

From there I drove in the rain to Hillsboro, NH to stop at President Franklin Pierce’s Homestead. I ended up in Hillsboro town center where I lost signal to my phone and hence my gps and panicked. Thank GOD I can memorize maps and knew where to backtrack to so I could at least continue to Vermont. (I did make it to Pierce’s place before dark though it was closed.)

Pierce Homestead, Hillsboro, NH

I managed to finally get signal as it got dark and got guided in the pouring rain to eventually arrive at a rest stop just south of Brattlesboro, VT 10 min before it closed. I was in Vermont just long enough to pee.

Rest stop just south of Brattlesboro, VT

On my way home I stopped in Pluckemin, NJ where my 6th great Eoff grandparents are buried. Hans’ grave is either unmarked or eroded beyond reading (as most of the stones are), but Maria’s headstone is partially readable. They were the first Eoffs (German Öff) to come to the colonies. I went to the wrong cemetery first, though there are Eoffs buried there as well.

Pluckemin Presbyterian Church Cemetery, NJ

I did a drive-by through Philadelphia by the Liberty Bell before heading home without going through DC again. I took no pictures, but I did check in to the Liberty Bell on Facebook as I sat at a red light.

.With the rundown of the trip out of the way, 3 days of all day driving gave me a lot of time to think. Granted, I got caught up on my podcasts and listened to 2.5 audiobooks, but my mind wanders. There were a couple of things I kept mulling over.

1. I have undergone a great deal of change in my lifetime. Granted this is how life works, but when you grow up in religious and cultural fundamentalism, any changes in your way of thinking could be the slippery slope to backsliding or hell or worse, ostracization for no longer conforming to whatever the dominant culture mandates for inclusion.

Anyway, old me would never have just gone on that kind of trip spur of the moment and by myself. Old me certainly wouldn’t have admired the beauty of New England even in the dead of winter and pouring rain and fog. But also, old me would have been afraid of ending up in “the bad part of town” and would have been paying extra attention to the “feriners” (pronounce it like I spelled it) who “want to kill us because we are free and Christian.” (I’m still a bit angry that I fell for the right-wing propaganda and held it as truth for so long.) Lots of change.

2. I am extremely privileged to be able to trace my family ancestry back to Europe through multiple branches. I have visited every place the Bishops settled since leaving England AND was able to visit the village of Cattistock where Rev John was baptized and his parents are buried when I was stationed in the UK. I’ve visited most of the places the Eoffs settled after coming from Germany. I can also trace back the Hills, the Polks, the Vanhooks, and I think the Allens. That’s privilege. Almost all were colonists. Many of my colonist ancestors were slave holders which throws in a big old batch of conflicted feelings. That is not a legacy I can take pride in, but it is one to which I am still heir nonetheless. I believe American slavery was an evil practice. Period.

Yet I carry perpetrator DNA. Both sides.

I know I am not responsible for the actions of my forebears. Lord knows I’ve dealt with carrying other’s sins as if I was responsible for theirs enough in therapy over my dad. However, to refuse to acknowledge it for the evil it was, or to excuse it away as being a “product of their time,” is to support it after the fact. It was just as evil then as it is today because it required dehumanization of a group of people made in the same image of God as the slaveholders. That dehumanization required Christians reject the reconciling work of Jesus. The refusal to rectify the wrong done is also to reject the reconciling work of Jesus. I am just one person, but I refuse to excuse away the evil of my ancestors because I have my “get out of Hell free card.” Because as I once heard from a Black Baptist pastor (and I’m paraphrasing), if your heart and life doesn’t change after believing Jesus, you haven’t really believed.

This entry is filed under 500 Words, Confessional, Contemplation, Family, History, Photos, Politics.

Starting over – again

By on June 5, 2022

Long story short, my blog got hosed up because I didn’t pay attention to an email from my hosting service.

I have backups, but I don’t like doing IT work for free. Heck, I don’t even like doing it for money anymore.

So I might end up restoring 10+ years of posts, or I might not. But in the meantime, I am replacing the default Hello World post.

This entry is filed under Uncategorized.

The false God of Jonathan Edwards

By on August 8, 2021

I read Jonathan Edwards’ sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” recently. I had read this quote in critiques, but having read the entire sermon, it aptly paints the picture Edwards paints of God throughout the sermon.

“The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect, over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked; his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times so abominable in his eyes as the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours.”  – Jonathan Edwards, Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.

Edwards’ god looks nothing like Jesus and, hence, nothing like the Father.

Photo by Dan Edge on Unsplash

“God, after He spoke long ago to the fathers in the prophets in many portions and in many ways, in these last days has spoken to us in His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things, through whom He also made the world. And He is the radiance of His glory and the exact representation of His nature, and upholds all things by the word of His power.” Hebrews 1:1-3.

Edwards’ god does not look like the Peter’s or Ezekiel’s God.

“The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not willing for any to perish, but for all to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9

“‘As I live!’ declares the Lord God, ‘I take no pleasure at all in the death of the wicked, but rather that the wicked turn from his way and live.’” Ezekiel 33:11

Again, Edwards’ god looks nothing like God as revealed in Jesus.

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you know me, you will know my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him.”

Philip said to him, “Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.” Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know me? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father.” John 14:6-9 

Edwards’ god resembles pagan gods rather than the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I’m by no means an expert on the Egyptian, Canaanite, Mesopotamian, or Greco/Roman gods, nor any other mythical gods of various regions and cultures, but I know enough to differentiate Yahweh from them because of Jesus.

As Brian Zhand says, “God has always been like Jesus.” God does not “abhor” us; he loves us.

“’For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.’” John 3:16

“But God proves his love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

This entry is filed under 500 Words, Theological.

A little respect

By on June 27, 2020

Topic 1 of This Series

This topic was at the bottom of my list. I was also what I was originally working up to with Love your neighbor but news of Ahmaud Arbery’s, Breonna Taylor’s, and George Floyd’s murders were more urgent to address loving our neighbors. Now that it’s Pride Month, it seems like the time for the topic of changing my mind about LGBTQIA.

It all began with Sodom and Gomorrah. All my life I was taught they were destroyed because of homosexuality. I just accepted that as fact because I didn’t believe the churches I attended would teach something false. After all, Landmarkism was developed precisely to refute wrong doctrine. (That’s a post that I’ve probably written at some point.) Hence, I believed the Procter and Gamble connection to Satanism when I heard it taught at church. (It was not true.) But the backward masking scare tripped my bullshit detector despite only being about 13 years old. (My intuition correctly detected it was bullshit.) That was the first crack in my “church is always right” (as long as it’s a Landmark Missionary Baptist) wall.

Still I believed what I had been taught about Sodom and Gomorrah because “the Bible is clear.” The story is clear, but it says something a bit different from the narrative I was taught. (Read the story, Genesis 18:16 – 19:29) Sodom wasn’t “full of gay men;” it was full of greedy rapists. Throughout the rest of the Old Testament when Sodom is mentioned with the reasons for its destruction it was not over sex. It was the wealth the city didn’t share with the poor and lack of hospitality. (Ezekiel 16:49)

All the teaching that LGBTQIA+ people in this country would cause our destruction is based on a false interpretation. “Teh gays” represent no threat to the nation. I felt duped even though part of the problem was that I didn’t read the passage myself for most of my life. The crack in the wall grew bigger.

I continued believing for a while that it was a major and damning sin because my indoctrination has deep roots. However, I was no longer “hostile” toward it. I had to many gay friends and family to ever wish harm to anyone. Eventually I reached a point where I was no longer confident that the Bible was “clear” about it.* As it turns out, there is missing context for what was likely being portrayed in the Law given to Israel after they were led out of Egypt.

God’s people, Israel, were set apart by God and were instructed in the Law how to look and act differently from the other nations who worshipped other gods. (Leviticus 18:3) Part of that had to do with sex. (Leviticus 18) The surrounding nations had fertility gods and were believed to have sexual rituals associated with the temples to and worship of those gods. As I wrote in Love your neighbor, “All of the laws about loving our neighbor either seek to prevent harming them, or provide justice to those who have been harmed. Even the commands to love God provide protection and justice to others because idol worship always leads to oppression.” Lesbian sex was not mentioned in the law though sex with animals was prohibited for men and women. The author of Diary of an Autodidact explains the meaning of the word translated “sexual immorality”:

First, the word translated “sexual immorality” is porneia, which has an…interesting history. The word is thrown around a LOT in the Septuagint, the Greek translation of the Hebrew Old Testament. Porneia is used primarily to describe idolatry or selling oneself to another god. (The root of the word combines “sex” and “transaction,” that is “prostitution.”) So the Israelites seemed to be continually committing “porneia” with other gods. Esau committed “porneia” when he sold his birthright. (How crazy is that?) Christianity, particularly starting with patriarchal church fathers like Augustine, decided that “porneia” really meant sex outside of marriage, which is…not its clear meaning. To the Greeks and Romans, porneia had become an idiomatic way to refer to “acceptable” extra-marital sex – namely, men sleeping with prostitutes or raping their slaves. (There was a different word, moicheia, to refer to adultery – that is, a man messing with another (free)man’s chattel.) This could be an entire rabbit hole here, but suffice it to say that the cultural baggage of the Greco-roman world combined with the cultural baggage of Second Temple Judaism to create a whole doctrine that is rather foreign to the Torah or to the culture the bible was written in.

It does not appear that consensual sex was what the Bible writers were portraying as sin. I’m not saying I think it’s okay for us to go out and sleep around with whoever we want. I just don’t see how consensual sex between 2 people in a romantic relationship with one another is the abomination God was referring to – gay or straight – and certainly not marriage. He is much more concerned with oppression.

*I’m not saying the Bible is not inerrant. I’m saying neither translation nor interpretation are inerrant.

This entry is filed under 500 Words, Faith, LinkWhoring, Theological, Totally Judging, Trust. | 3 Comments

Test and renew

By on June 21, 2020


Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I have been planning a series of items of doctrine I was taught and indoctrinated (not meant as pejorative) with that I have changed my mind about. None of the changes were based on a whim or a “feeling” but from study after praying for discernment to see the truth. In every case I began with the Truth of God’s love for his creation as is shown to us through Jesus. No doctrine that is not rooted in the Truth of God’s love (though through a mirror dimly) can be correct. No doctrine applied in condemnation or oppression is valid because it does not come from a spirit of God’s love. Any doctrine applied out of self-interest to gain or maintain power and/or material comfort is not from a love either our neighbor or God. A good picture of how love for others looks (besides the Cross) is I Corinthians 13.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

This will serve as the foundation of each subsequent topic along with a previous post, Love your neighbor. I’m not claiming to be 100% correct. None of us can make that claim. My motivation for studying the doctrines has been part of my deconstruction and rebuilding upon a solid foundation of love rather than fear. It has been helpful in rooting out my bias and prejudices, but also from “unpure” motive of a desire to “win” debate/arguments. My motives aren’t pure and I want to share that because we all have biases and many, most, or all are rooted in the particular culture we grew up in and later chose as adults when choice is an option. For myself, given the career field in which I plan to work, it is imperative that I identify my bias and prejudice because we can’t care for and help someone we don’t believe deserves help. If we don’t believe someone (individual or group) deserves help then we are not loving them and therefore do not love God with our whole being. Without a foundation of love of our neighbor — neighbor or friend — all of our doctrine and works are useless.

Post #1

This entry is filed under 500 Words, Announcements, Contemplation, Faith, Theological. | 3 Comments

As the world burns

By on June 6, 2020


Photo by Koshu Kunii on Unsplash

I can remember once when I was either in my teens or early twenties talking with my mom about something related to the End Times. It was in a dispensational context, of course, because that’s what we knew because that’s what we were taught and everything outside of our Baptist sect was either false teaching or a “slippery slope” to falling away from the true faith. Our conversation turned to The Rapture at some point which is the only part of the conversation I remember. Mom said, “We probably won’t know the rapture happened because churches will still be full.” That shocked me at the time not only because she said it but the possibility it could be true.

Jesus told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.
“The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’
“‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.
“The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’
“‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’” Matthew 13:24-30 NIV

These past few weeks have shown me that the tares are thick among the wheat. As we have moved into the worst pandemic in 100 years, I’ve seen Christians balking at having their rights violated by lockdowns and shutdowns. I’ve watched them grab onto outlandish and dangerous conspiracy theories with either no fact-checking or dismissing information refuting the conspiracies as “false news” and/or “liberal” attempts to destroy our freedom. I’ve seen pastors defiantly continue to hold in-person services and congregants attending with just as much defiance and cry about separation of church and state. I understand a lot of the behavior is denial. COVID-19 has destroyed what was normal life and it’s going to be a long time before we get that normal back – assuming we can.

Now we are in the midst of protests and rioting in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. The former officers might be innocent until proven guilty according to the way our judicial system works, but it is hard to watch those videos and see the photos and call that either accidental or justified even though it was not likely premeditated. I can’t help but wonder how many black citizens this happens to. It would still be happening unchecked if not for cell phones. Not that it brought justice for Philando Castile. I see a lot of denouncing of the looting and rioting from largely the same people who were offended by Colin Kaepernick. And I see a lot of silence.

I look at the way Conservative Christianity in the U.S. has morphed in the last *40 years and think of what my mom said all those years ago about the rapture. We spent so much effort focusing on the sins of others (those outside of our sects and non-Christians) that we failed to see the enemy turning us from the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:20) to follow the god of this world in seeking power and domination to hang on to our position of privilege. We drew a line and made ourselves watchkeepers of Western Christianity which we made the standard by our own self-righteousness. We have dehumanized, demonized, and criminalized those who are different whether it is a minor doctrinal issue that has no impact on the saving work of Jesus, or they look or speak differently than us. We labeled other sects, political ideologies, religions, and people groups as threats to our way of life thereby making them an enemy to be destroyed rather than follow Jesus’ command to love our enemies. We look nothing like Christ whom we are to follow into suffering or death.

I think a great many of us don’t know Jesus any deeper than as a get out of hell free token. We’ve turned salvation into a formula which builds our churches and makes us appear successful, but it is a façade. We oppress to maintain our supremacy and call it faithfulness to the Bible while few ever go any deeper than a prosperity gospel similar to Joel Osteen’s Your Best Life Now while condemning him as a false teacher. We focus on sexual immorality and abortion while ignoring the sexual abuse rampant among our churches including pastors and elders. We don’t look at our own greed and violence and divisiveness. We’ve said our Sinner’s Prayer and we go through life never growing beyond publicly avoiding vices like alcohol, drugs, and cussing and blame the other for anything that causes us discomfort let alone suffering. We blame all the troubles in our country on others while refusing to see how we created or contributed to the problems. Rather than lamenting we rage. Rather than repent we cling to our idols. We are Americans first and nominally Christians second provided our faith doesn’t interfere with how well we think of ourselves and our possessions.

We have just celebrated Pentecost while many of our cities are literally burning. Pentecost for the Christian is when the Spirit was poured out on all people. God spoke to His people through Isaiah and said:

Wash and make yourselves clean.
Take your evil deeds out of my sight;
stop doing wrong.
Learn to do right; seek justice.
Defend the oppressed. (Or justice. / Correct the oppressor)
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.

Are we going to listen to the Spirit, or will we be like those whom Paul warned the Thessalonians, “The coming of the lawless one will be in accordance with how Satan works. He will use all sorts of displays of power through signs and wonders that serve the lie, and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie and so that all will be condemned who have not believed the truth but have delighted in wickedness.” We need to be on guard as to which voice we are listening to and whom we are following. Are we following Jesus and all he commands in loving our neighbors or are we following the world in seeking to serve ourselves? Jesus calls us to pick up our cross and follow Him, and he said this before he went to the cross. They knew what the cross meant. Do we?

*I chose 40 years because I remember next to nothing about Christianity other than going to church every time the doors opened for the first 9 years of my life. And most of my 10th year we went nowhere.

This entry is filed under 500 Words, Sad, Theological, Totally Judging.

When you play with fire

By on May 29, 2020

Protesters gather calling for justice for George Floyd on Tuesday, May 26, 2020, in Minneapolis. Four Minneapolis officers involved in the arrest of Floyd, a black man who died in police custody, were fired Tuesday, hours after a bystander’s video showed an officer kneeling on the handcuffed man’s neck, even after he pleaded that he could not breathe and stopped moving.
Carlos Gonzalez, Star Tribune via AP

The following was initially posted on my personal Facebook timeline.

Fellow white people, let me tell you a little story. And it’s gonna piss some of y’all off. A lot.

I grew up in an abusive home. I never knew what was going to be the thing that set my dad off because there was no rhyme or reason to it. So I became hypervigilant trying to stay one step ahead and not have to suffer the screaming and berating and having the shit beat out of me. When I failed to be “good enough” and got the berating, if I cried, I got a whipping. If I cried because the belt freaking hurt, I was often beaten more and told it wasn’t going to stop until I stopped crying. And so I began stuffing my emotions as part of my hypervigilance. And I became afraid of ALL authority because if your mom can’t (or won’t) protect you, who can? (I believe she did what she did out of survival also, but it doesn’t erase the damage.)

There came a point where so much had been stuffed that it started coming out on anyone. Puberty was when I couldn’t hold it all in anymore and I lashed out at people who did not do anything that should elicit my rage. It’s taken a lot of therapy to address my reaction to my injustice.

Now imagine that type of abuse only it’s directed at people with a darker skin color. You’ve got a large amount of people actively perpetrating injustice on an entire group of people which has been happening for centuries. Not only that, but there is another group who look like the perpetrators who do nothing to help. Those are the enablers. There are some allies in that group, but they remain a minority just like the victims. The black people as a group remain hypervigilant all the time and have for centuries. They are either ignored when they try to protest peacefully, or they are denigrated if they make the group with the power uncomfortable by not worshiping their idols and not staying “in their place” and providing entertainment. Or they march in the streets – unarmed – and are met with tear gas, rubber bullets, or real bullets. I don’t know what that’s like because I belong to the privileged group with the power. Mine was individual directed by a single individual. But I know that people can only take so much abuse. As others have said, it’s a powder keg that has sat near the fire getting hotter and hotter until a spark blows it. And when it does, just like an individual abuser, the collective abusers and enablers join to vilify the entire group and claim vindication about the “thugs” and “animals.” And the abuse continues because now it’s “justified.”

I understand why the rioting and looting happen. I’m not saying I condone it, but neither will I condemn it. Violence begets violence, and black people have suffered violence at our hands for far too long. (We reap what we sow) Instead of putting out the fire, we just move it and claim we are fighting it or have put it out. Yet it not only continues to burn, it continues to be fueled to make it hotter. Jesus is not on the side of the oppressor; He is on the side of the oppressed. The TRULY oppressed.

And now I’m really gonna piss y’all off.

“But abortion!” Because that’s where we go when anyone points out how we oppress non-Anglo-European White people. (That’s called deflection, by the way.) I am pro-life from womb to tomb. But if all you do to be “pro-life” is vote for people who claim to be antiabortion and maybe you go to the March for Life rallies and do nothing else, congratulations for not doing jack shit about abortion. If you aren’t willing to fund pregnancy centers, and healthcare, and healthy food, and housing for pregnant women, sit your ass down and shut up. If you aren’t willing to provide all those needs to the children after they are born (healthcare, food, housing), sit your ass down and shut up. If you aren’t willing to provide birth control, sit your ass down and shut up. If you aren’t as willing to hold the fathers of the babies you claim to love as accountable as the mothers whom you probably call “whores”, sit your ass down and shut up. If you say women need to “keep their legs closed” but can’t manage to tell men to keep their dick in their pants, sit your ass down and shut up.

And finally, if you profess to be a follower of Jesus and aren’t willing to sacrifice anything you earn to help even the people you don’t think deserve any help, are you really following Jesus of Nazareth or American Dream Jesus? Because one of those isn’t Jesus the Son of God and will not set you free.

This entry is filed under 500 Words, Abuse, Politics, Rant, Totally Judging. | 2 Comments

Love your neighbor

By on May 10, 2020


Photo by Nina Strehl on Unsplash

I’ve been trying to write on this topic for 2 or 3 weeks, but couldn’t find a starting point. The exposure of Ahmaud Arbery’s murder on video this past week – TWO MONTHS AFTER THE FACT – with his killers walking free and uncharged during that time has given me that place to start. I’ve heard several white pastors call racism a sin problem not a skin problem. I agree, but I don’t think it gets to the heart of the problem: what makes an action a sin?

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:24 NASB

But when the Pharisees heard that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered themselves together. One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:34-40 NASB

Humans have been sinning since the Garden of Eden. Much ink has been spent since that time over whose fault it was despite Adam consistently being named throughout the bible as the representative of humanity and from whom we all inherited our sin. Aside from the most extreme patriarchal Christian sects, this is orthodox across denominations. I find it curious that it was not until Adam ate the fruit that “the eyes of both of them were opened.” I once heard someone teaching on this passage who speculated that since Adam “was there with her” when the serpent was doing his thing on Eve, and did not attempt to stop either of them, that perhaps he was also thinking that maybe the serpent was right and let Eve eat to see if she died. When she didn’t, he saw that as proof that God had lied to him and so he ate. Genesis 3 contains no indication of why Adam ate, but God states that the cause of why He was about to curse all the earth was that Adam listened to his wife. It could have been that Eve handed him the fruit she might have said, “See, nothing happened.” Regardless, Adam took no responsibility for his part at all. Eve blame-shifted, but in the process of saying “the serpent deceived me” she confessed (albeit passively) that God had not lied. Of note, while God was handing out the curses, He did not say to Eve “because you have done this.” There were consequences, yes, but He didn’t attribute those to what she had done as he did with the serpent and Adam.

The next sin we see in Cain’s murder of his brother, Abel – which he avoided owning up to – earning him a curse, but also protection due to God’s mercy. Fast forward to the time of Noah. The corruption of mankind on the earth was specified by God as being full of violence. Fast forward to Abraham’s time and you have Sodom and Gomorrah. There were not even 10 righteous people in them, and all the men of Sodom descended on Lot’s house to rape his visitors (the angels of God). Fast forward to the Exodus, when God gave Moses His law for His people who are called by His name (Isra-el) to set them apart from the other nations. They were to be different from all the other nations and the nations be blessed through them. The essence of the law God gave to his people was to love God and love their neighbors without becoming like their neighbors who worshipped other gods. But, alas, they wanted to be like the other nations, and were scattered among the nations.

Now there is a lot of ceremonial law applicable only to Israel prior to Jesus’ crucifixion. The veil separating the Holy of Holies in the Temple was ripped from top to bottom indicating that the place where God dwells was now open to all. Jesus death, burial, and resurrection made the ceremonial laws unnecessary. “I will put My law within them and on their heart I will write it; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people.”

And a lawyer stood up and put Him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” And He said to him, “What is written in the Law? How does it read to you?” And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” And He said to him, “You have answered correctly; do this and you will live.” But wishing to justify himself, he said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”

Jesus replied and said, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among robbers, and they stripped him and beat him, and went away leaving him half dead. And by chance a priest was going down on that road, and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. Likewise a Levite also, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, who was on a journey, came upon him; and when he saw him, he felt compassion, and came to him and bandaged up his wounds, pouring oil and wine on them; and he put him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn and took care of him. On the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper and said, ‘Take care of him; and whatever more you spend, when I return I will repay you.’ Which of these three do you think proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell into the robbers’ hands?” And he said, “The one who showed mercy toward him.” Then Jesus said to him, “Go and do the same.”

God loves us so much that he was willing to set aside deity to become one of us through Jesus, showing us what he meant for us to love others, and let us kill him in the most brutal and humiliating way after he had first been whipped and beaten until he was unrecognizable by us as we mocked him. He faced rejection, ridicule, betrayal, and torture without responding though he had the power to destroy us all. As he hung on the cross, he cried out to the Father not for vengeance, not to save him, but to forgive those who put him there and were mocking him. That is the ultimate demonstration of God’s love for us and his capacity for forgiveness. His resurrection showed his victory over death and provides the hope we have in him that he will raise us up after death as well.

In light of the sacrifice of Jesus, can we really love God if we don’t understand just how much he loves us? If we don’t just love him but also trust him completely (“Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.”) can we really love our neighbors? If we don’t love our neighbors – including our enemies (real or imagined) – do we really love God?

The law gave Israel a guide for loving God and loving their neighbor. It wasn’t all-encompassing specific, but it was a strong enough framework to build upon how to love. If we get past the letter of the law to understand the spirit of it, we can still be guided somewhat to treat other people well. There are certainly problematic aspects of it especially with sexuality regarding women, but even those provide protection and care that would not otherwise be given. As Israel slid away prophets were sent to warn the people to repent and what was going to happen if they didn’t.

“He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the Lord require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?” Micha 6:8 NASB

All of the laws about loving our neighbor either seek to prevent harming them, or provide justice to those who have been harmed. Even the commands to love God provide protection and justice to others because idol worship always leads to oppression. Hence, Jesus fulfilled the law’s intended purpose to show us who God really is, and how to live out paying forward God’s love to us to our neighbors whether they are friend or foe, family or stranger, without exception.

“In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” – Jesus, Matthew 7:12 NASB

This entry is filed under 500 Words, Faith, Theological. | 2 Comments

Anxiety in a time of uncertainty

By on March 28, 2020

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But  that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with  the time that is given us.”
J.R.R. Tolkien – The Fellowship of The Ring


Photo by Sam Burriss on Unsplash
🏆 Live Soccer TV: wordpress - Pertandingan Hari IniSam Burriss

I’ve had a lifelong battle with anxiety. Whether I developed it from abuse or it has always been a part of my self I do not know. It could be either or both. I can recall a time when I was little having recurring nightmares about ghosts and monsters. Every now and then I’ll see an upright piano that reminds me of a particular nightmare and for a brief moment, I can see it with eyes and a mouth ready to eat me. I vividly remember a ghost walking across the living room to me and biting me. I remember hearing the C-130s out of LRAFB passing and nearly panicking, convinced we were about to be bombed. I can remember the nightmares of one or both of my parents just leaving me somewhere alone while they just disappeared. I developed an extreme fear of storms, though that has an explanation. It was around the age of 6 that I started having panic attacks. The abuse guaranteed that I would be hypervigilant every waking moment because there was no telling what might set my dad off at any time. Then there was the threat of nuclear war or even an accident at one of the nearby missile bases.

I learned some coping mechanisms to get through all of that. Dissociation, denial, and eventually alcohol kept the panic at bay most of the time. But those only go so far. I have had a recurring nightmare since I was in elementary school about plane crashes. Different planes, different scenarios, different places (though several of them take place at my childhood home of Birdtown), and never if I am on a plane in my dream where I’m usually the pilot. All of those dream plane crashes happen near where I am to include on me. I think one of the reasons 9/11 affected me as it did that day (I was a mess) was because when I watched live as the second plane hit the second tower, it was a nightmare become real life even though I was in another country and had physical distance. I was able to continue to put on my concerned but calm face except for when the first tower collapsed, but a month later I started having the panic attacks again. I had them 2 or 3 times a week for 3 years. THREE YEARS. I can’t count the number of times I ended up in the A&E at Hinchingbrooke Hospital in England. The panic attacks were that bad. It was certainly an additional factor to my increase in drinking from every now and then to every day.

Now I am sober and have had a lot of therapy and take medication to combat both the anxiety and the deep depression that always follows the anxiety following a period of high stress. I know the physiology behind the symptoms, and have a good idea the things that either caused or exacerbated the physiological responses, but knowledge alone doesn’t mitigate chronic psychological conditions. In my case, it did lead me to recognize when I became suicidal – again – and reach out to my sponsor, my therapist, my doctor, and my closest friends instead of trying to bottle it up via my default stuffing and suppressing.

All that said, with COVID-19 we all find ourselves in interesting times to say the least. Almost all of us have had to make dramatic changes in our everyday lives. Some have lost jobs (even if temporarily) that they can’t afford to lose. Some can’t afford to self-quarantine even if they weren’t considered essential personnel. Some of us cannot telework. Everything we’ve been doing socially, even church, we are having to do radically differently not just for our own health but for the health of others, particularly the most vulnerable. It is a time of great uncertainty not knowing when the virus will run it’s course and we can get out and about without risking spreading it unchecked. We know people are going to die, and it will be someone we know if it hasn’t already. Our economy is going to take a major hit no matter what steps we take or don’t take. Our collective health and wealth is threatened and it feels like judgement not just on the United States but the whole world.

At this point my life hasn’t been affected. I’m still working and I haven’t gotten sick. My children are not sick, and the one who was sick was fine after a couple of days. (The doctor felt confident it wasn’t COVID-19.) I’m anxious, but not hoard food and toilet paper anxious. I’m not freaking out. I was obsessively washing my hands before the virus was discovered, and I am minimizing trips or stops between work and home. It’s mild anxiety due to the uncertainty associated with a global pandemic though it’s not keeping me up at night. I’ve been through a lot of things in my life, and I’ve developed enough healthy coping tools to neither panic nor deny.

I want to say to those who might be panicky/freaking out/very anxious that I understand. This is a dangerous time without a physical enemy to direct our fears toward with anger. There is a lot of misinformation, conspiracies, and flat out lies that hide and/or distort the facts coming from political leaders (both sides) and religious leaders. Anxiety in this chaotic environment is perfectly normal and you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, you’re not weak, and you don’t deserve to be ridiculed or shamed by anyone.

This entry is filed under 500 Words, Life, Semi-confessional. | 4 Comments

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