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pennyo

[13th December, 2010
Monday, 11:37am]

cuz i've never had videos, this is what i've been doing singing acapella in penn:

my solo from the semester (xin bu liao qing) -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=wfmr66-gO7I
and more videos from the same concert -- http://www.youtube.com/user/PennYos (i'd say listen to zuo you wei nan, acapella de yukou, tao wang)

but i'm taking a break from the group next semester bcuz... idk
1. my lack of interest in chinese acapella is slowly outweighing the initial novelty/excitement of being in a group.
2. people graduating so group dynamics are different.
3. practices are so inefficient.... though imust say at least this semester we sound really good. and i used to think we didn't really sound good at all..
4. i'm directing the show for strictly funk next semester!! DIRECTOR!!!!!! yesssssssssss <3 so excited. my own show :)

but i guess still, the people in py are my closest friends here, and much as i don't like singing acapella it's nice to sing a real song/solo.

..someone told me their friends cried hearing me sing my song. kinda sadistic but ahh that's the best compliment ever

:) happy

[1st December, 2010
Wednesday, 1:17am]

i like... black peppercorn grinders, adding black pepper to soup in a 1:3 ratio, earl grey tea, green tea made with love, genmai tea with crunchy brown rice, dipping bread in hot soup, dipping youtiao in bak kut teh or congee, toasted bread folded over with nutella in between for breakfast, brunches, crepes, musicals, waking up next to someone, sleeping skin on skin, face masks, sesame oil, hot sauce on dumplings, being loved for the right reasons, traveling with the right people, walking in the city after a meal, walking in a city past midnight, staying in all day, homemade dinners with a disney movie on tv, dining tables, single red roses, black dresses, red dresses, pretty dresses, cobalt blue, olive oil on baguettes, olive oil and black pepper on pasta, olive oil on anything, alma de cuba bread, flavored rice, feeling healthy, cooking with someone, karaoke, singing with someone, singing to someone, being sung to, being danced to, movies in bed, nice restaurants, fine cuisine, roti prata, kaya, kaya pancakes, feeling sassy with short hair, feeling womanly with long hair, nice matching lingerie, hand written letters, big hugs, mcdonalds for spontaneous lunches, mcdonalds at 6am, prata or bak kut teh at 4am, homemade ramen with lots of veggies, mummy's french toast, chinese new year shrimp rolls, teddy grahams, those doritos, showering in the morning, easy movies, really deep serious movies, great movies, live music, great music, jazz, the animal cracker song, disney princesses, champagne, getting drunk on wine, hot pumps, high heels, puppy eyes on some people, wide sincere smiles, topshop, mango, vero moda, miss selfridge, london, bonchon / korean fried chicken(!), stars, age, love, love, love ...

... just felt like doing that

could totally keep going

more geekiness

[15th October, 2010
Friday, 12:15pm]

ok more academia. might potentially take this class next semester:

Research Experience in Social Psychology: The Psychology of Spirituality, the Soul, and Magical Beliefs
In this research course, we will explore a field for which there is very little literature, but a topic of central importance to human beings. The focus will be beliefs about "non-physical" forces at work in the world. This is aside from organized religion. We will explore these ideas with a concrete focus on the idea of magical contagion, the idea that some non-material essence is passed between people and objects. Dept. permission required. Preference given to senior psychology majors.

SO COOOOOL, no? to be like yeah i took a course in social psyc research. AND IT WAS ON MAGICAL BELIEFS. and you're like wtf there's a course for that? <3 US education. ..... though priority is given to seniors so i might not get it. but yeah. yes psycccccc. and ppe. and everything.

and also, i do think psyc is a fluffy major kinda (if you're only doing undergrad at least), but seriously my profs here this semester are kinda sorta really amazing.

1. Robert Rescorla -- best/fav prof by faaaaaaar so far in penn. seriously. SUCH a good teaching; completely my style; super thinky. it's not gonna be an easy course / we're not gonna have easy exams, but he makes your brain WORK. i expected the class (on learning & behavior) to be the most boring thing ever but WHOA.

slash yeah when doing readings, our textbook just keeps reminding us about how prominent he is in his field. "Rescorla et al. did so and so research blablablabla" and you're just like .. damnnn. or he assigns readings or teaches about prominent learning experiments, and guess who did them? him.

he also has a model named after him: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rescorla%E2%80%93Wagner_model ...and i'm totally taking his class 3x a week right now. so awesome / such an honor / wish i could take more .. but i don't know if i can delve any further into his subject of expertise. SAD.

2. Adrian Raine -- someone everyone on campus seems to know who he is / heard of the course i'm taking although to me it was liek the most obscure thing ever? Criminology class. apparently the guy also works with the singapore govt and our prisoners to try and prevent crime / repeat offences.

..and yeahhh. when he teaches in class (3 hr lectures fml) he plays documentaries and interviews and tv stuff for us, and guess who always gets interviewed in em? dr adrian raine. check out http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=adrian+raine+&aq=f

i'm not as in awe of him as i am of dr rescorla, slash i think the course is really interesting but it doesn't give me the same utility from like a Social Contract class (taught by a singaporean prof in penn wow) reading like hobbes/rousseau and shit, BUT i recently realized i could drop this class and just upon considering that option i was like "............but i wanna go to lecture!" .. and do the field trip to a correctional facility. so then iwas like. yeah. naise.

okay for the first time ever, wowwwwwww PENNNNNNN <3 mmm education i'm such a geek.

..for like 25% of the time. another 50% of my brain is occupied by funk, and 25% on all things social.

ok now i have to study for my midterms for the above profs and not flunk em -_-

[15th October, 2010
Friday, 12:03pm]

Reokay so i thought i had 4 midterms in 2 days + 1 ungraded paper on weds..

then i realized i could drop one of the classes. and potentially have only 3 midterms. but i didn't, so i still had 4.

then i realized one of the midterms was actually on thursday not tuesday, so hey that's good! i stayed over fallbreak to catch up on a lot of readings and i really did. so okay good!

then i realized coverage for one of the midterms is only till like 1 or 2 weeks ago -- which i predicted MUAHAHA so i didn't finish those readings. so yay! less work.

umm yayyy? don't get complacent meiling nononono.

...so much about studying is just about feeling efficient and being in right company (or lack thereof entirely) and just knowing you can / wanting to be efficient.

been a while.

	[12th October, 2010 Tuesday, 2:42am]
mm must-trys (tries?) before I leave: vetri, matyson

	[1st October, 2010 Friday, 6:38pm]
one more thought of the day: my posts have degenerated from the philosophical, slightly emo posts of back-in-the-day ... to just random splatters of at times pretty superficial things. GOOD. this means i have a life now

	[1st October, 2010 Friday, 6:30pm]
hmmm. i have read Rousseau, Locke, Hobbes, Burke, Paine, the US Federalist papers, Smith, Rawls... I don't remember Bentham, Hume, Mill. sin. interesting feeling =\

i was lucky today

[30th August, 2010
Monday, 10:04pm]

as you (or i) can see, i've been doing thingsfinding multiple ways to feel good about well, myself. good.

to add on to that, i was at the face shop today and was supposed to receive a free big black (ugly) tote bag, but they were out of stock, so in compensation the sales girl gave me (1) a free (ugly) black purse, (2) 5 free trial products entirely on her own accord, and (3) free lifetime membership and discount --- a much better steal than getting a free ugly bag, imo. and then as i happily pranced to watsons to get regular (cheap) cleansers, i got swept off to look at some fancier product which i eventually got for a discount, in addition to receiving my 6th free trial product of the day. hahahahahahahhaah

yeahhhhhh it was a good day. lol. been influenced by my cousins (hello) and mum to be vainer and girlier (or more womanly actually) and be consequently protective of your girl-ness/woman-ness. i like. feeling like you're pampering yourself + getting free products ftw!

'woman talk' today with a certain ms lim also = ftw. hahahah. that, and being chattier at home and connecting more with home and making people happy and therefore making myself happy and feeling like i'd have no regrets about how i spent my time being at home / with people at home. and that, and being told that i look younger/more radiant/more rejuvenated/better thanks to i guess a haircut, losing the freshman 15, and sheer vanity helps (a lot) too. oh and being able to dance better now and BEING ABLE TO CHOREO NEXT SEM YES I'M SO EXCITED.

yessss pat yourself on the back meiling. we're all growing up and i'm entirely conscious of every moment of it and sapping up the youth and energy and time and preciousness of it. it's like losing past fixations and re-finding yourself 找回自我, and being happy but also being so conscious of how fragile that happiness is (who knows what could happen - touch wood). ..tis true that you glow when you're in love -- but whoever said it had to be romantic love with someone else yea?

things to do.	[30th August, 2010 Monday, 12:13am]
a continuation of the last post: 1. completely redo pre-chorus (by mon) 2. finish singsongsing part + later 3. set modified 2nd chorus killed by choreo perfectionism! tired

today i realized that..

[28th August, 2010
Saturday, 2:06pm]

committing to a piece of choreography is like being in a relationship. you have to stay with the fixed music and choreography but fight to keep the romance of freestyle alive.

lol. basically,
- if you're the choreographer and you try too hard to make up your own moves, you're gonna realize that you don't think these moves feel that great or natural on you; they feel too forced. (0:00-0:30 of my current piece of choreo)

- but if you don't try hard enough, you start to get bored of your own piece because you didn't add in enough spice to a certain part. (0:30-0:50 of my choreo) and though some parts you did do it the right way, but still need to add some salt and pepper (1:10-1:20 of choreo)

- admittedly sometimes you just don't really know what to do / too lazy to think of how the partner work is gonna come together (0:50-0:60)

- and sometimes even when you put in just the right amount of work and thought and romance/freestyle/spark, you still get insecure (1:37-1:51)

- so really the best parts are where you really just freestyle and choreograph by making your freestyle choreography. (1:00-1:20) cuz then it all will feel just right. ...so i just record myself freestyling on a vid cam and steal moves .. it just doesn't work when you try to overthink each step and 'create' each perfect step so it's perfect.

- and sometimes if you overthink and start to criticize the choreography, it may not be that the choreography is bad -- you just have to keep fighting inside to dance the way you feel when you freestyle. cuz sometimes even when i take my freestyle and set it as choreo, i start to do it different and start to lose the feel. ..cuz i overthink.

- but at the same time you need to know when to give up -- so you can imagine the piece for the song and have a vision for it, but when you get down to executing it you just can't find the steps or the feel. (choreo song choice #1). BUT you can't keep thinking you'll just 'find a new song to work on from scratch' cuz you'll just .. never get there. (current choreo song choice -- still fighting! it's gonna be guhreat.)

wow me and my metaphors.

...still have 1:51-2:40 to go, but i have an idea of what to do for at least 50% of that.

FIGHT TO THE ENDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!! (choreo wise.)

	[17th August, 2010 Tuesday, 1:06pm]
and now i'm just angry -_- wtf - are you serious now? -_-

wang bu liao, wang bu liao

[16th August, 2010
Monday, 7:56pm]

i'm capable of seeing this in many different ways, don't quite know how i'd describe it here. whatever it is, i'm going through this summer strangely. the superficial gets me past the days -- i guess that's how it is supposed to happen, but really i'm just waiting too. it's a hurricane/typhoon on one level but i'm placing a concrete slab over it, and i walk on both dimensions, depending on the time and circumstance. am i blocking it out? maybe, yes, but not really - i don't know. but basically before i can move past any point this one last look needs to happen first -- but that can't happen till later. i am moving -- but it's a slow hover vertically above, and not a complete move past this chapter (though I guess the two are related). so meanwhile it's sorta torture but not really. just a slow wait as i literally count down the days. it helps i guess that i've been through the craziness of it once, so i can let the crazy part of it go. but beyond the craziness, there's nothing much i can do but feel it and take it

this wasn't supposed to be very comprehensible =\ gah, sigh, kns, multitude of sounds and emotions and phrases. just waiting for that day. ugh/gah/ah/ugh/sigh.

[13th August, 2010
Friday, 1:11am]

Faith is a state of openness or trust. To have faith is like when you trust yourself to the water. You don't grab hold of the water when you swim, because if you do you will become stiff and tight in the water, and sink. You have to relax, and the attitude of faith is the very opposite of clinging, and holding on. In other words, a person who is fanatic in matters of religion, and clings to certain ideas about the nature of God and the universe becomes a person who has no faith at all. Instead they are holding tight. But the attitude of faith is to let go, and become open to truth, whatever it might turn out to be.

I had a discussion with a great master in Japan... and we were talking about the various people who are working to translate the Zen books into English, and he said, "That's a waste of time. If you really understand Zen... you can use any book. You could use the Bible. You could use Alice in Wonderland. You could use the dictionary, because... the sound of the rain needs no translation."

We do not "come into" into this world; we come out of it, as leaves from a tree. As the ocean "waves," the universe "peoples." Every individual is an expression of the whole realm of nature, a unique action of the total universe. This fact is rarely, if ever, experienced by most individuals. Even those who know it to be true in theory do not sense or feel it, but continue to be aware of themselves as isolated "egos" inside bags of skin.

[24th July, 2010
Saturday, 10:28pm]

i went through the weekend life myself and made my own decisions.

i watched a movie, i walked for a few hours in MOMA, i headed out with someone i chose to meet with, i talked about astronomy religion and philosophy, i fought hard in a dance class, i feel the efforts of previous fights and work paying off, i feel like i'm stabilizing and getting somewhere special in the style, i have lost the freshman 15 but more importantly i feel so FIT, i can do a lot of crunches, i'm gonna take a bus myself tomorrow morning, i'm trying to change my flight ... basically, i feel more like myself again, just for today. ahhhhhh it's been a while. hurrahhhh!

i'm grabbing on to this feeling as long as i can to try and make it more permanent. it pretty much feels like the thing in iron man's chest except it's like a ball of steel/iron right in your core, just above your stomach where your ribcage ends ...the part that dancers should use when they move lol :P

okay chillax chillax. wen3.

last note: new on the bucket list -- be paid professionally at least once as a dancer. it's ambitious -- really ambitious, and much harder than my goal of being paid to sing -- but hey, you have set yourself goals you know. to get you off your ass.

..cuz too many times all the goals i try to achieve are cool things that i think i'm already kinda getting to, so it's a reminder to reach out and grab it. not that this isnt', but it's a farther stretch for this one ..but you just have to make yourself.

ahh i feel so much fitter right now (in more than one way ithink)

[21st July, 2010
Wednesday, 9:36pm]

i'm mad at a lot of things now, and can i blame myself? yes, no, yes, no, but all in all just no cuz i'm also sick and tired of blaming myself, of being accommodating because i'm the one who's different. i'm so sick of this. it's time to go home.

facing racist comments, wanting things and not getting it, wanting things and waiting for it, hating the waiting, understanding the waiting but wanting to, facing 12 hour work days, dealing with overtly high and unrealisitc expectations, ordering food over the phone when the lady can't hear me, ordering variations of dumplings, ordering things that don't exist on a menu, sensing people getting 'lol calm down' at me and asking me to stop being irritated when i am (PET PEEVE!!!!), getting advice when i don't want advice (i have a guy's ego) and i just want someone to LISTEN, getting advice getting advice getting advice when i'm pissed (again i ahve a guy's ego), wanting to watch inception but not being able to, WANTING A LOT OF THINGS and running out of time to get them, not getting timetimetime, no dance classes (NO OUTLET), wanting to make other people happy vs wanting to do things i wanna do taht noone else seems to want to do, wanting to talk to people but not realy being able to. dealing with what people think of what i'm doing, bawling my eyes out on sunday and not having anyone really know, balancing a sense of urgency debilitated by a sense of futility and lack of control (WORST COMBI EVER), trying to control my own emotions. it's tiring trying to always change yourself and present yourself in a way where you can be understood, instead of just BEING yourself. and ican't help doing it. it's just an instinct.

am i mad at every single thing there individually? No. do i understand? Yes. do i think i'm being overly accommodating by understanding? No.

am i mad at everything in irrational accumulation? Yes. do i feel like all in all i'm just being eaten up? Yes. is this my ego speaking? Yes. am i being kinda irrational? kind of. am i sick of being rational? Yes.

this is like red, irritated skin that's super sensitive and just gets itchier the more you scratch it. and cuz its so sensitive even the tiniest little creak pushes you over the age and makes you roar like a lion and twitch and itch like a friggin primate.

i am stopping myself from stopping myself from feeling everything, and always trying to be calm and rational. I WANT SOME THINGS. and i understand a lot of things. and now i need to acknowledge more of the former.

writing helps; when i blogged more int he past i always felt liek i was sorting through my thoughts and emotiosn as i wrote. it was like a freqeunt reflection and meditation. and now i'm not. except maybe wheni write long emails to people tha ti don't eventually send, cuz i think it's helped me sort through my emotions (and i'm "probably overreacting again") and i do'nt think the person needs to see it, or wants to see it, or will be able to take my emotional rollercoaster with the right degree of ... lightness? no. not lightness. TRUST. TRUST that i know how to get myself out of it, TRUST that i go through emotional rollercoasters and come out of them fine. just listen, just listen. all i need is that. and i need your trust and faith cuz i have an ego of a boy and i like to work through things myself cuz i'm partially childish like that.

and see, i feel better already. now i can let go of the anger.

i'll be fine, as always. i'll be fine.

i'm calm now.

and the worst thing anyone could say to me now? "calm down" -__- TRUST ME. i'll get through things if you just listen and understand. maybe sometimes i won't get through things ..and then maybe i'll ask you, or maybe i'll be too embarrassed to ask. but this isn't one of those times. now just let me go through it

	[18th July, 2010 Sunday, 5:22pm]
i like to be happy, but i also i haven't cried this much in a long time and i don't know how to talk about it

[25th June, 2010
Friday, 3:33am]

it's about the moments when you go a little crazy on the inside, you know. some people call it love and emotion and spark when you can't explain it -- when it's just this thing that shouldn't get you and wouldn't get you, but it gets you. and you can recognize those moments in other people's faces -- when you know you've got them. and if you like them and you know you got them, something inside you goes a little crazy too. maybe cuz you feel like it's then more possibly for you to go a little crazy and be get, cuz it's safer or cuz it feels like possibility and future and infinity.

a little idealized. i like the quote i posted last time.

sometimes i feel like i'm so incredibly capable of making people intrigued from afar and then just getting them sick of me. and you're just powerless then cuz when you're sick of someone, you are just sick of someone -- there are no special moments, special laughs you capture in your head and idealize; you just get sick of everything. ..and then if i push them away early enough they start thinking twice and looking from afar again and realize -- wait. no wait. that's her. ...and sometimes i just think -- couldn't they have just reminded themselves of it? made a more conscious effort to remember and recreate? the first moments and why you did it -- the facts, the details -- and then compare it to now? people just remember the emotion of what they felt at the beginning -- "i went crazy" -- and when they don't go crazy anymore they start to doubt themselves, when imo half the time the facts, the details, the same things that made you crazy were still there. they just became more attainable, more habitual; you got used to it. or maybe it changed a little .. but surely not all of it. boys are dumb.

me, i run through moments and things again and again. i idealize moments. not the best thing to do either, but it makes me treasure things you know. unless the moment wasn't that great anyway and i don't think of it as magic in life. then sorry tmd goodbye ha-ha-ha. but girls are dumb too so.. i'll stop here.

not that all of this is happening right now though -- my mind is just going a little crazy at 3.30am after a night of ... complete nothing and complete havoc at the same time. wandering off into the past. wandering into the future, wandering into possibilities, wandering into impossibilities.

when i wake up i'll be normal again and i'll live in the here & now. a girl needs her crazy thoughts once in a while, and i shall be forgiven for having posted them here for once. i figure nothing could hurt more if you're already laying it all out there.

	[25th June, 2010 Friday, 3:30am]
有时候有时候我会相信一切有尽头相聚离开都有时候没有什么会永垂不朽可是我有时候宁愿选择留恋不放手等到风景都看透也许你会陪我看细水长流

probably my favorite quote on love ever

[23rd June, 2010
Wednesday, 1:49am]

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
St Augustine, from the movie Captain Corelli's Mandoli

	[15th June, 2010 Tuesday, 11:31pm]
throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow

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