hello world, thought i should finally give this place an update since it's really collecting dust like hell. 

"i don't have time for this." -> this seems to be my motto for life right now. i don't have time. i'm so plaqued by life, that i don't have time to feel. i don't have time to think. i don't have time, full stop. 

this semester must have been the busiest i've ever been. (okay i seem to say that every sem.....). 6 mods, it's killing me. there's so goddamn much to do for each module. *exhales* add that to hall activities; block comm, dance, track, squash. add my tuition. add a bit of social life. and there you go, my life. 

and of course, i feel. sometimes i have so much negative emotions it's eating me up from inside. most of the days though, i like life. the sem started not so smoothly with yet another drama story but since then i've picked myself up and pretty much moved on. C: life is rather simple and nice now, although stressed by work. 

i am thankful for the new friends i have made, new friends who chats with me and makes me feel loved although not "loved" in that way. i am thankful for the spontaneous moments, such as going to clementi with sarah to do our hair, staying overnight w the block 5 people to just chat, playing w sj and his bunny overnight... i am thankful for the things that went well, IHG track (2nd place, who would have thought?!), having an awesome time in ocip and maintaining contact w my friends, cny block event which was a huge success and ended off in a memorable food fight...i am thankful for having my family throughout it all, going to batam for R&R. 

and dance, i dance 4 times a week now n i love it. although it's stressful when i can't remember the steps well and it clashes with schoolwork ugh. 

i don't want to judge. i don't want to dislike or be disliked. but sometimes in this world, not everything is full of rainbows and butterflies. sometimes negative thoughts arises, and you have to rationalize why you're feeling this way. maybe you just need some time apart. too much time between 2 people, does rub off on eachother. hais. i wish i'm a saint, but i'm not. sometimes i feel like being a bitch too. and that's scary. 

sometimes people leave, and you have to accept that it's for the best. you have to let go cos it's the only thing to do. sometimes you have to lose in order to win it all. you can have it all but not all at once. you just have to wait, and it's as fast as it can already. you have to believe. 

and sometimes you have to stop thinking, stop talking, and just do. sometimes you gotta keep things inside you until it all goes away. sometimes you just gotta do what you have to do. like now, i'm going to fight for my studies already, although i really just want to emo here. 

hais. go eunice. 

****HAPPY NEW YEAR!!*****

:) hello there, 2012. first day of a brand new year.

before i move on, let me talk about 2011 first. it's been so, so long since my last update. exams was a huge torture... where i fully realized what i did not understand. i guess i can say i gave it my best shot, but the papers really managed to cut through the gaps in my knowledge. my grades did reflect rather accurately though. sigh. what to do, try harder next sem ba.

after exams, i experienced yet again that burst of freedom, where i can finally stroll down the streets again. then i went to laos. basically, life has been really good this holiday.

my heart though, not so good.

In love with the new twilight song - a thousand years. :) 

hais. recently been bothered by a few random people whom i should really stop wasting my time on. it gets old after a while; the "how how how i am single and i want girl K", the guilt tripping with "why are you not here" & the hot & cold... & the non-stop chatter when i feel we got to know eachother on the wrong foot.... & worst of all, the silence.... :( :( :( 

sigh. exams are now 8 days away. i have mixed feelings. worried, mostly. but right now, i'm just so restless. too restless to study. & then there's the competitiveness surrounding me which pisses me off, and i have no idea why. i guess when people are so outwardly competitive it makes others uneasy. i should know, i am one of thy competitive ones. but i guess i'm not that extreme. 

& smth arrived for me in the mailbox today. :) i loveeee receiving things for me via mail, & i love what's inside too. :) thanks. ur letter inspired me to blog. & guess what, I stalk ur blog n wish u have more blogposts too! :) can't wait till u start studying so we can mug tgt sometime. it means a lot a lot to me to know that ties may fade but they still exist. the same as care. 

i should really really put my heart & soul into mugging. all out now. it's gonna be crazy ahead, with 6 modules, 6 exams. do or die, swim or sink, eunice. 

but it's so dry. so mundane. i just want to live my life. :( 

& you will, but now, its just twenty more days. two zero. u have GOT to use every minute, every available second to study all out. come on, eunice. :( 

be ur own cheerleader. focus. memorize. understand. try. 

u have all the weapons. now train & go into the fight. and win. 

hello november. 

it's been 2weeks since my last blogpost - which in essence, is a good thing i guess. i often come to this place when i need a space of my own; when i need to clear things up with myself, when i need to breathe & the air in the atmosphere isn't enough. when tears come into my eyes when i think about things. hais.  

so my absence. my absence shows i'm living my life. i guess u'll be seeing a lot of me here this november. 

so. what triggered this particular round of panic attacks? work. i'm literally dying. i'm frailing my arms for help before i drown. but i am already drowning in the sea of work. and worst of all, i know no one's going to lend a hand. like before. no one's even going to stop by and ask how i'm doing because ah well, everyone's fighting their own battles. 

doesn't help that i really, really miss you like hell. after all this time. 

& yes, i'm still haunted by so many things that i try not to think about. 

me and my issues. 

hais. test on thursday and friday, both memory intensive. i can do this though, i really can. 

sigh. i've worked really hard. and i'm not going to give up now!!! >.< 

"I'm not perfect. but i keep trying. Cause that's what i said i will do, from the start." 

on to brighter things. last week was a super busy week w halloween - had dance practice/squash trainings all week AND two tests on thursday - physio & pract test. On monday, went treat or tricking w blk comm then proceeded to prank the block at FIVE. FREAKING. AM. i've gotta give it to us though; spontaneous madness is really fun. :) wellll it was a memorable halloween trick anyway. tho d dress-up fail. gah. dance. i had fun; esp with make-up on d actual day. everyone looked really monster-ish & said the performance was gooood. :) went to d haunted house w sarah, qy, kh & cherrie. which was a bundle of laughs too. 

shall not talk abt my two tests; i think i didn't do well. >.< the only subject i've been secretly enjoying (secretly, cos everyone is complaining like hell abt it) is effective communication. i know it's subjective, but i like knowing that despite my limitations in english - i still can communicate. 808182! happy!

the week before i had my oral presentation & pharmstats test. was super sick! 

& on a totally random note, i FINALLY can make the dancer figure rotate left & right. for some time it's rather saddening because i don't believe i'm a full left-brainer. i like to think i can use both my brains (the analytical & the artsy) equally. and now i can lalala. 

right. went to malaysia w my family on sunday. did my hair, watched real steel, shopped & & & ATE GOOD SEAFOOD. muahaha. i am really looking forward to going shenzhen with my family. been long since our last trip. 

& now. i should really go back to studying for my test tmr. >.<

i guess i can only say...... i wish things weren't the way they are right now? but i know they have to be. life only moves forward. it doesn't go back, so there's no real point in looking back... right. doesn't change a thing. i still miss. that's all. but at the very least, i'm living my own life now. i know exactly where i am and what i'm doing. that might not be a lot for someone else. but for me, for me it's good enough. 

:( just need to have faith. need to find comfort in the darkness. the beauty in simplicity & the happiness of busy-ness. 

i don't know how long more before i can get sick of feeling pissed/sad/upset/just plain sad/irritated/angry/grumpy/afraid/scared/angry/worried. it's like someone took all the positive emotions right out of me and walked away. 

or maybe i only feel that way, because it feels that one too many people just turned around and walked right out of my life. i know it happens. possibly cos even i am sick of being around myself already. but still, one too many. i guess it also shows a lot that i am no longer asking you to stay anymore. it feels like everyone leaves if they get too close. might as well get used to it. and have a little faith. have a little faith that they will walk back if our paths crossed again. or that even if they don't, i will survive. 

can't deny that it hurts though, for people to walk away like i don't mean a thing. 

nonetheless, family. will always be by my side. and those people who think more of me than i really deserve. haha. 

okay. 

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistake of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side as long as you are true to the best that is in you!" 

I have a hell lot to do but i needed to grab some air so here i am. 

Thanks so much to lyon angel for responding to my blogpost w ur encouraging smses~ i dnknw what to reply, because i don't really know what to think, if i even have time to think.... so i guess i'm just drifting along. 

i just need to be more motivated regarding work, and put the past behind me. all the many different unclosed chapters that haunts me when i have too much time on my hands. i know it's not healthy living like that. but what can i do? attempt to close them and risk fresh tears that may never end? nah. too dangerous. so i move on, and try to outrun myself. believe. 

it's been a busy week. 

monday - school, make up pract 8 & 9, stayed over with mugging. 
tuesday - sarah's bd'ay! had a gd lunch. squash training. photoshoot. home. 
wednesday - no school! stay home mug mode. 
thursday - school, sp presentation trial version, lab. squash training. dance. west coast macs + seaside coke. 
friday - school, met cloudieee @ bugis. ate thai food. went october fest and then had a night out with her friends. 
sat - stoned. 

arghs. what's wrong with me. the work-life balance thing is like an epic fail. :( dnwan to study. dnwan to slack. 

ok things to do ( in order of importance ) 
1. SP oral presentation
2. pharmacostats study 6 chapters! anova 1, 2, categorial notes. 
3. DFD -solutions notes, catch up ointments
4. PA - spectroscopy notes + lab study! 
5. physio study~~ + look through tutorials
6. anat - urinary 
7. emp poster 
8. get block shirt sizes / prepare rhmp gifts
9. recall halloween dance
10. train for squash 

go eunice go. 

:( 

i have a different score each day, for pain. today, it is a 9.5. not a full 10, because it can be worse, even worse. but all the same it's been a fucking miserable day. and the worst part is having to laugh and hide it all.

i keep thinking if i hide long enough, one day i may actually be fine.

:I i spend too much of my life looking back. but i don't know how when there's nothing to look forward to, when you're afraid to hope, when you're so messed up. i guess i can only try to survive. to do what's right at this moment.

and learn. always, always, learn from ur mistakes.

All the same, can't wait till the day i get to shut my eyes for good.

:( somebody help me please.

im sorry. i never meant to hurt you, but i think i did.

my only defence, is that im hurt too.

IF your life ended right now, can you honestly say tt you lived it the way you wanted?

no. i can't. but i can say that i lived. so maybe living is painful, maybe i regret, maybe i want to tear myself apart for the wrong things i've done, for mistakes that haven't occured yet.

on one hand, i'm glad to say that i've lived. but on another hand.... i'd very much want my life to end so i don't have to go through this again.

so where does tt leave me? in a state of unbalance.

So it's friday today. The end of e-learning week. Had an online mcq today; i studied. i worried. i tried my best for it w my dear roomie. andddd. i got 31/40, which is really not bad right? then my day was ruined when i find out tt the mean, median is 32, and the highest is 38. damn. why am i always, forever, one step behind the bell curve, always in the 25th percentile?! =( i need to do better. understand, understand, and perform.

but still, demoralized and sad.

i hate it when i know smth halfway. worse, i hate this distance. this feeling tt it's better i don't know, because even if i did, it doesn't make a difference. i guess i really need some time to lock myself up and throw away the key. some time for my broken and bruised heart to heal. some forgiveness will be nice. from others, and more importantly, from myself.

因為你的悲喜已經有了 容身之處 我也 能有 最純粹的孤獨 最孤獨的孤獨 ..

hais eunice. even if you can't win, fight like a champion anyway.