Finding Elegance

Impact

2015-07-08T17:33:00.001-04:00

I fell.

HARD.

And he caught me,

And he wrapped me up safe in his arms,

And he surrounded me with his love...

And together we fell

And by some miracle...

....both survived the impact.

Dream

2015-07-06T10:40:00.001-04:00

I have this dream, it's beautiful. He and I and our messy, wonderful, complicated future. Babies and lazy Sunday's and romps through forests and sunshine filled meadows.

I have this dream, it's beautiful. He and I -- against the odds we survive and love and live and create the most incredible life.

I can see it and it's just, ::JUST:: out of reach. I get caught up in the what-ifs and if-onlys and hope and hope and hope.

I have this reality, this present, it's beautiful. He and I and our real, honest, easy, overwhelming love. I have his back and he has mine and we trust and love and compromise and talk....and ::GODS:: when we kiss...when we kiss nothing else matters and nothing else exists except for his soul intertwined with mine.

We have this dream, it's beautiful.

2015-07-05T07:01:00.003-04:00

It is a privilege to know emotion. For all the heartbreak, sadness, and pain allow the joy, love, and kindness we encounter to have true meaning.

She is beautiful, but she doesn't believe it.

2015-07-05T07:01:00.001-04:00

Grey eyes with just a hint of blue, like where the sea meets the sky and a storm is rolling in. Sandy hair shorn close, her pixie cut matches her impish grin. Mischievous, she leaves you wondering if you should take her hand and run away with her, or turn and run away as fast as your feet can carry you. Smart as a whip, quick wit, her words can cut like a razor when she wants them to.

She is beautiful, but she doesn't believe it.

I'll spend every day trying to convince her.

Foreverman

2015-02-03T03:10:00.001-05:00

I feel strong arms and hot flesh wrap around my body as you surround me, and safely cocooned by your body I sigh, content.

I feel warm breath and soft lips brush against my neck as you whisper to me,

and happy here I dream of more, so much more.

It took me weeks to work up the courage to tell you, first quietly squeaking out that I haz the feels, watching you grin as I struggle to speak a truth you've already known. I fell for you weeks ago and you've been waiting for this.

Now, safe and warm and surrounded by you, I listen to your snores and once I think you're asleep I whisper the truth. I love you. So quietly I barely hear it myself, yet, somehow you did, and you pull me in closer and kiss me and "I know"....

"I know"

I fall fast and hard and often and my heart has taken more chances than most.

Here I am, handing it over to you freely...and you handle it so gently.

"I know"

I told you once to never say it unless you were absolutely sure.

So, okay, you aren't there yet. These things can take some time, after all.

Except, except I feel it when you pull me in for yet another goodbye kiss, not knowing when our next hello might be.

"I know"

I told you once not to ever hurt me. Now you're trying to protect us both.

Except my foolish heart and my foolish brain are in cahoots and I can't help but dream of a future with you. I'm not even trying to stop the dreams from coming, now.

I miss you terribly when we are apart, and ache to be near you, with you, always. You occupy my mind and sneak into daydreams and this...this must be a good thing.

I won't regret a moment.

I don't want it to end.

I'm dreaming again, lover,

that you're my foreverman.

Unfinished song! Needs a title!

2013-10-07T03:38:00.001-04:00

I try

and sigh

and eventually I cry

One day

I find

that you were always mine

But I never knew

And now I've lost you.

You said the words but

I - I never heard

And now

I've learned

it's your heart that was burned

It's your heart that was burned

Burned

O-ohh

So I try

and sigh

and now apologize

For all the times

I missed your subtle signs

Take my hand now

If it's true we'll fly

Like eagles to the sky

Take my hand now

If it's true we'll fly

Like eagles to the sky

There's music to this one...but it's not quite finished.

Panic.

2013-09-07T23:09:00.001-04:00

Air forced harsh into unwilling lungs,

Heart flying directly for the sun

Skin crusted with salt of tears and sweat

Mind reeling as I fail at accepting this new reality.

I force the bile down, life becoming too hard to swallow. The room spins and for a moment I'm certain the sky is falling. But it's me.

...

Eyes open and slow deep breaths return.

Yet I still exist in a newly fractured reality.

I manage to catch my sinking heart, gather my breath, and stand on shaking legs.

I am strong.

But I can still be broken.

Gas Station

2013-08-13T01:45:00.001-04:00

"What's you're NAME Baby?"

"Personal."

"How you doin, Personal?"

Light

2013-08-12T02:28:00.001-04:00

Look up she says.

Look up and tonight glimpse a passing bit of light, distant echoes of a world a lifetime away from here.

But here, the gleam of ancient starlight is obscured by the glare of orange street lights-- harsh light that pushes the darkness, and light, of the night beyond our limited vision.

I see lights, blinking, patterned, mechanical and artificial, satellites in orbit that, too, obscure the view.

Have you seen the Milky Way?

She has.

On the beach of a reef island still isolated from the obstruction of mechanical lights.

It's vast, greater than her perception of ocean by infinite orders of magnitude.

There, away from man-made light she walked the shores on a moonless night by starlight echoed in luminescent waves, and finding that the darkness was not so dark and wondering why we hid behind the light.

Breakthrough.

2013-07-12T02:01:00.001-04:00

I tried to fit the prices back into the places they used to belong,

but somewhere along the way

I lost a few, I shrunk, I grew, I twisted and turned into something new

and now

I'm not the person you once knew.

Some bits still fit, the easy fix, from the clean breaks, the choices that were easy to make, you can still see the straight lines where I cut and paste, trying to rewrite, revise, renew, revive

And somewhere along the way I realized that grasping at shards will cut.

Broken

2013-07-12T01:29:00.001-04:00

Little bird

Broken wing

Tries to fly

Cannot cry

So she sings

I need to write again.

2013-06-30T05:54:00.001-04:00

I need to write like my life depends on it.

Pour my soul out, words splashing dark against bright white paper, carrying my life, my hope, my love, my heartache.

I need to write until my hands cramp and my mind stops reeling. Only by telling these stories, mixing memory, fact and fiction, (perception, perhaps,) can my mind be settled and my heart calm and if I'm lucky I can sleep.

I need to write in run on sentences that link words, ideas, sprouting like cells of Spirulina on a slide, spiraling out into a larger dreamscape, ethereal yet still rooted to the Earth.

I need to cast these letters and words out into the works for all to see -- to make them REAL -- as if to somehow justify the thoughts reeling though my mind.

Is this world in my mind any reflection of reality?

Does that matter?

Do I care?

What of wearing my heart on my sleeve? Is being baring all to the world, without hinting at what is fiction or fact dishonest? Is it safe?

Part of me, admittedly a part which grows smaller as I grow up, wants to take all my words, all my stories, all my passion and hide it in a box at the back o the closet, like some secret cache of treasure I can leaf though on sleepless nights, holding up to the light to proclaim its value, if only to me. (My precious.)

A bigger part wonders if, by casting my thoughts to the world like some message in a bottle, I'm simultaneously calling for help and hoping to help some kindred spirit, who's own messages are cast out to drift in the minutia that is the Internet.

I don't need the whole world to care, or see, or recognize what I sometime think if as unadulterated brilliance and at other times dismiss as absolutely banal rubbish.

I believe this need to write, to be heard, to express emotion and tell stories and hope to inspire is a perfectly normal, and exquisitely human phenomenon.

I only hope it doesn't come to bite me in the ass some day.

Façade (unfinished)

2013-06-11T01:57:00.001-04:00

My heart is breaking

As I watch you faking --

Your act could fool

even the most practiced eye.

But I see behind the front,

You're crumbling, stumbling,

you leave me

mumbling

Unheard prayers

for an end to all this aching.

I wish I had the answer,

But if we had all the answers

we wouldn't need god.

No, instead choose to be fearless.

Dive into the unknown and explore the questions we have yet to answer.

Science is all we truly have.

Abandon reason and you set us back another 200 years.

Power.

2013-05-25T22:58:00.001-04:00

Fuck you and your preconceived notions about beauty. I am beautiful.

Fuck you and your elitist attitude about the value of others. I am not worthless.

Fuck you and your backward ideology about love. I will love whomever the fuck I choose.

I am strong.

I am smart.

I am passionate.

My thoughts and emotions matter.

My goals and dreams and hopes will not be smothered by the dismissive, elitist, and abusuve notions of any other.

I am determined to overcome every obstacle you place in my way.

I will accomplish my dreams.

Fuck you, and get out of my way.

I am determined, I am angry, and I am powerful.

Written several months ago, I found this scribbled on an old receipt. I may work with it a bit, this is the raw version. Ordinarily I choose more elegant ways of expressing myself -- but crude language seems to have its place in some moments. Life is not spotlessly clean, and writing, as a reflection of life, is not either. I hope the colorful language here does not offend.

Sleepless

2013-05-22T04:19:00.001-04:00

Sleep fails me again
As I spend
Another night dreaming of the future.

My mind too full of hope,
Planning for change and improvement,
A future filled with aspiration.

I reach out,
hoping to grasp some wisp of foreshadowing,
What is attainable?
And
What will remain a dream on a sleepless night?

I am powerful.

2013-04-23T02:30:00.001-04:00

Fear keeps the heart beating when the rest of the body has frozen.

Stress pushes the mind further, proving most limits are set by fear.

Worry shows hope for a future, despite the stresses and fears we each face.

If you want something strongly enough , make it happen.

If you aren't happy with the life you're in, choose another.

Be the change you wish to see.

For, in choice, we have power.

Limited only by ourselves, courage to step out of the comfortable is all it takes.

Change the world.

Purge -- A bit from my life-blog

2013-03-18T11:50:00.000-04:00

I made a choice about a year ago to only project positivity into the world. Only speak of the good, the bright and beautiful. Only of my successes--not the struggle it took to get there. I figured that the struggle was Understood, an Unspoken context that the world would know, presume. Maybe I was wrong, maybe it was my own self-denial my own reluctance to admit that I too struggle. Sometimes, Sometimes the fear of ending up alone, the unwillingness to admit your weaknesses and then certainty in the future I'll be home a bit too much.

Read more at Vicissitude.

verb: Live

2013-02-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

Live

You only get one chance

don't waste your time

with worries and wondering.

Be bold!

Be passionate!

Take a stand!

Make mistakes -- they are how you learn!

Try to make a change.

Try to be better.

Inspire

Engage

Intrigue

Existing is never enough

We all have have power

and a

RESPONSIBILITY to use it.

Too many shuffle through life just "getting by" -- and why?

Why not be GREAT?

Start small and commit to that one great thing.

Because this life, this you, will only happen once.

Be the person you want to be remembered as.

Dragons

2013-02-15T16:41:00.001-05:00

bright green dragons
dance inside my head

while sunspots shine
red against my closed eyelids

springtime beckons in the distance
I can almost, almost, reach her

the sharp wind invades my warm memory
bitter cold shocking me back to reality

My dragons have vanished,
all I see is bright white.

Let us be strong and smart.

2013-02-13T03:58:00.001-05:00

I am strong.
I am smart.

I push back against the dreadful as it tries to creep its way into my mind and blot out the sunshine. Always on those sleepless nights, it's too easy to get lost in the dark and bump into a moment that's harder to shake.

I am strong.
I am smart.

I hold on to all the bright and beautiful as the dreadful seems to close in. Protected by this aura of goodness I push past the moment of darkness and emerge in the morning to greet the sun and conquer the world once again.

I am strong.
I am smart.

I carry the bright and beautiful as talismans, reminders that protect me from the dark.

I carry the dreadful, too, scars that serve as reminders of the battles I've fought. These give strength as memories--and I fear no more.

I am strong.
I am smart.

I push on, adding scars and talismans each to guide my way. Until one day I can lay down my burdens and marvel at my light.

Choosing Life

2013-02-09T00:48:00.001-05:00

I am strong in a quiet way.
Choosing to shine brightly each day.
I give all my life all my love to the world,
Cause you can't take it with you
In the end.

In the end I'll be gone,
But my light travels on--
Take it into your soul
And share it with all

Choosing life
the bright beauty
we all know.

Soft, through yonder window...

2013-01-21T02:18:00.001-05:00

I see
I see the beauty in everyday
And touched by its extraordinary
-Yet simple, ordinary, existence-
I am moved to tears as I've found elegance once again.

I exist in this ecosystem as one small part of the complex interactions which sustain the elegant equilibrium that is this Earth.

I evolved these emotions for a reason.

I won't be ashamed that I cry at a sunset, that I'm delighted at its rise, that I am soft, caring, but stronger than many of my own species give me credit for.

The world needs women.

Strong, beautiful, confident women who, YES, have emotions and respond to beauty and heartache and sadness.

So yes, I am crying over a cookie commercial. Because in it I saw beauty and a hint of the moments I live for.

And no, I'm not sorry for it.

Negative Space

2013-01-05T19:26:00.001-05:00

Disappear into the calm
with a cup of tea
Surrounded by the beauty
of an artist's passion
Music keeps the world at bay

And we smile
as the inspiration arrives
to our now-clear minds.

Here in this
Negative Space

Where we can disappear
from the busy world
and let out the softer side,

Touched by art

Influenced by emotion

We can wear our hearts
on our sleeves,
safe from the venom
of those who forgot how to feel.

Here in this
Negative Space.

A place to balance the world.

Jester.

2012-12-20T06:21:00.001-05:00

How quickly we shed our morals for a moment in the limelight. Every emotion, reaction, thrown out to the world with expectations of reciprocal grandeur. We shout our every thought to the sky and demand, in our audacity, an admiring audience's applause.

I no better, throw my thoughts to the world.

Still, this despicable humanity seems hungry for the next heartbreak before we've recovered the last.

This collective catharsis is but a catalyst for the next catastrophe.

Disgusted, I find myself wishing the Mayans were right, that this would be the end of days for our despicable species.

For in our ingenuity we design our own fate, our biological superiority but a step in our prolonged self destruction.

Today is just another step towards the unknown, and somehow despite our recent history, I dare to hope.

Perhaps I am a fool.

If so, let me play my part, to entertain those who listen with my own humanity.

Love.

2012-12-16T05:22:00.001-05:00

I shed tears for souls lost to unchecked depravity. My heart breaks for the families left behind by a stranger's insanity. No sane man could gun down any innocent human. Those who have surely suffer some scarcity of the soul.

To kill a child is unthinkable, yet still, a psychopath murdered many and my thoughts of humanity turned darker than I care to admit. I am heartbroken that I could indeed believe it possible. Crime occurs everyday. Violence originating from human flaws: jealousy, greed, lust, hatred, disappointment and great sorrow.

We all feel these things, what my great hope for humanity is that we will rise above them and learn that as we struggle to live we must depend upon each other, not fight our way to apparent success.

Only a tortured soul could commit an act of such terror -- and with the occurrence of such violent acts on the rise I hope that everyone would act with more sensitivity towards every person they know and meet.

I believe in love.

I believe in the power of love in healing a broken heart.

I recognize insanity as a disease and wish that someone could have helped the now dead murderer before he reached such a tipping point. Whatever his motives or reasoning might have been, they came from a fragmented mind. Anyone so desperate as to murder or, in this tragic case, massacre schoolchildren, must surely be insane.

I do not mean to suggest insanity as an excuse, or to place blame. I only hope that by being mindful of the lives and emotions if those around me I can be a light for those who are lost in darkness.

I hope that the families of the victims of the terrible shooting can heal, eventually.

I hope that the family of the shooter can also heal from the shock and loss they too have experienced, and that the world recognize and respect their loss.