What you want in life??

2:40 AM;
won't be left ALONE

there are still people reading my blog... and gut feeling tells me i know who that person is.. ohwell.. should get some rest in..

3:47 AM;
won't be left ALONE

somehow i dont regret posting that up.. but it just feels as though i do not have anywhere else where i can just rant without being put under the scope.. but frankly speaking i couldnt really understand why i am bothered by what others think..

saturday started with a day which i didnt felt like clubbing.. but a sudden urge just took over and decided to go along with it.. unexpectedly it was was better then what i could have asked for.. the feeling was just totally different.. the feeling felt like something which i have not felt in years.. just cant describe that feeling.. but it was really nice.. thank you for that day.. it was definitely a first..

3:39 AM;
won't be left ALONE

Happy 20th birthday Brenda.. This is all I got to say before I go to bed. It was a great night out. Some thing of the las first of mine that was given away. But it was memorabe and etched in my memory.. Thank You!!

6:49 AM;
won't be left ALONE

240413 Ended work early yesterday.. The first day officially I would call it for the start of my rsaf career.. First shift work.. First day.. Brand new beginning.. Well.. Yesterday was the day I suddenly felt like throwing a lot of thoughts into my brain as well just to do some thinking.. What's new right.. All I could get into my brain was people who I could relate to and people who no matter how tough the situation was could just be that medicine to cure all the unhappiness and anger away.. One of them is definitely without a doubt my dumbdumb bestbest friend.. Forever busy like always. But never blamed her as she is just too friendly.. Always there to do those little thoughtful and funny things which can really do a lot in brightening up my day.. Yup she may be damn picky on certain stuff.. Always telling me off but thats with no ill thoughts at all.. At least that is what I feel.. Gosh!! Now with her attached.. Guess she would be even busier wouldnt it.. But I believed that she can be counted upon when the time I need someone.. Another person which I think would happen to be the main reason this is written would be you.. It really does feels like it was only recently that it happened.. But the fact that it happened more then four years ago feels really different now.. Despite it not working out between the both of us.. Really had no idea why I held on for so long after.. The time spent waiting for a chance to happen or come didnt materialise in the end.. Left there hanging by a thread which finally snapped not too long ago.. No one blames you because you wouldnt have known.. But those were the times when a simple nothing would have carried so much.. Despite all that has happened.. It doesnt changes the fact that I still care about you no less.. Maybe just without the feeling ba.. The fact that I am still thinking about where do I go from here is something I can occupy my brain with.. We all changed as we move through different stages of our lives.. Maybe like what they say.. I really do feel as though there are lesser and lesser people whose ear can be loan to me.. Gutting everything inside sucks!! Seriously!! But what can I do..

6:50 PM;
won't be left ALONE

240413 Ended work early yesterday.. The first day officially I would call it for the start of my rsaf career.. First shift work.. First day.. Brand new beginning.. Well.. Yesterday was the day I suddenly felt like throwing a lot of thoughts into my brain as well just to do some thinking.. What's new right.. All I could get into my brain was people who I could relate to and people who no matter how tough the situation was could just be that medicine to cure all the unhappiness and anger away.. One of them is definitely without a doubt my dumbdumb bestbest friend.. Forever busy like always. But never blamed her as she is just too friendly.. Always there to do those little thoughtful and funny things which can really do a lot in brightening up my day.. Yup she may be damn picky on certain stuff.. Always telling me off but thats with no ill thoughts at all.. At least that is what I feel.. Gosh!! Now with her attached.. Guess she would be even busier wouldnt it.. But I believed that she can be counted upon when the time I need someone.. Another person which I think would happen to be the main reason this is written would be you.. It really does feels like it was only recently that it happened.. But the fact that it happened more then four years ago feels really different now.. Despite it not working out between the both of us.. Really had no idea why I held on for so long after.. The time spent waiting for a chance to happen or come didnt materialise in the end.. Left there hanging by a thread which finally snapped not too long ago.. No one blames you because you wouldnt have known.. But those were the times when a simple nothing would have carried so much.. Despite all that has happened.. It doesnt changes the fact that I still care about you no less.. Maybe just without the feeling ba.. The fact that I am still thinking about where do I go from here is something I can occupy my brain with.. We all changed as we move through different stages of our lives.. Maybe like what they say.. I really do feel as though there are lesser and lesser people whose ear can be loan to me.. Gutting everything inside sucks!! Seriously!! But what can I do..

6:49 PM;
won't be left ALONE

Sometimes people need to understand things before you simply go shooting your mouth of. Shooting your mouth off before understanding the situation doesnt make you look smart.. But rather it makes me loath you ever so slightly more.. Guess you didnt know that right!? Lets put it this way.. Who in the fucking world was born to fail.. Who lives to fail in everything that you do.. Think about it!! Something that happened may not be something that you wished for.. Be it good or bad that comes along.. It is something that you just happen to be in that instant where you lanlan have to accept it... So if that wasnt a choice that I made.. Even I am feeling the effect of it.. Working hard to solve or salvage whatever that is left of it.. What give you the right to fucking criticize me!! I wasnt born to take all this bullshit..

9:00 PM;
won't be left ALONE

Let's start by noting some things.. 2641 tweets in exactly a year is not that bad for a start.. Today got to be one of the not so good days thus far.. Really wonder how come all those big birthdays of people usually just seem so grand and interesting.. Yet I choose to like spend the just as per normal.. 'Yup, like I choose!' What can I say.. To literally put it bluntly, this happens to be one of those days which I dislike, hate to a certain extend.. It only makes you feel down.. Feel inferior about yourself.. it really seems to just emphasis on what my bestest friend told me.. Simply.. Emo boy!! Willingness to spend that amount of money for a present may seem a lot to others.. But at least to me, it does not because I do not simply use monetary terms.. if I really use money to describe this friendship then I would rather not have it.. Besides.. Somehow, one way or another.. I do not really feel wanted.. Maybe its just my fucked up mind.. Ohwell.. Its my life.. I don't have to give a fuck what you guys literally think about it.. Have an opinion you can jolly well either keep it to yourself or just say it.. If doing behind my back makes you guys happy then carry on.. Go ahead for all I care, I DONT. Just make sure I get no wind of it.. Its not easy trying to get rid of some fucked up habit.. Juggling that along with time at work and trying to leave time for my beloved friends and family is tough.. Real tough.. People definitely come and go in our lives.. But even then, are those who stayed really staying for the same reason as what you think.. I would like to give them the benefit of the doubt.. Who knows.. One day down the road.. I may be penniless and friendless.. If that day comes.. What can I choose but to just accept it.. Just ranting.. Who reads it anyway.. Dumbfuck.. What a nice way to kick start the second major part of my life.. Keep it up JanusHaha..

6:59 PM;
won't be left ALONE

doubts anyone ever comes here anymore.. ranting in progress then.. somehow the urge to let go of everything inside me has been overwhelming. but there is always this resistance in me. whether is it due to the fact that i dont want to offend anyone or i dont know who can really be trusted to listen. i dont know and dont want to know. if you really get offended for all i care, i dont. this is a little private space for me. if you happen to chance upon it and not like what you see, sucks to be you then. shouldnt even have used to computer today. when hopping around from blogs to facebook.. what was seen simply put what i have in mind onto paper for others to see. seeing alot of memories whether good or bad i still treasure everyone of them. to me at least it has formed up a large portion of my life and i am loving it. no shit. to some people it may seem that i dont give a shit about who you are or what is happening.. what can i say. coming from my standpoint, it really does look damn retarded and childish for things like this to be happening. people should really be more open and just trash shit out instead of keeping to yourself. sometimes what can i say even if i cared. for all i know it might not even mean a single thing to you because we are already the past. i can understand the fact that there are people around you who shows that they care and it is sufficient to you already. something coming from me wouldnt matter at all. all these questions about ifs and whethers will just stay in me then.. the only thing i can say is that i do truly care about you all, some even more then the others in fact. but who would know??

3:15 AM;
won't be left ALONE