lifeinaportrait

i guess it has been a good 8 years. felt really sad when i speak about sam. i remember when i was much younger. sec 1 or sec 2. i'll go to his place every thursday 8pm. when he'll teach me how to use the electone. after that sometimes watch a bit of friends. haha. time flies. I'm now in uni like he did 8 years ago. i didn't know i would cry in front of 20 people. but i guess i do have emotions and attachments after all. he's not only my cousin, teacher, senior, friend, role model. He's more than that. I really owe him a lot. more than i can imagine. Oh wells. i don't even know if i'll return. I'll pray hard anyways. 

After my birthday celebration, which i got a fine of $50 for consumption of alcohol. had shaca almost daily. until 18th performance. then now its the season of parties! but I'm not happy because I've got too many to attend. and I'm still down with flu and cough. much better now but still no alcohol for me. STAC retreat's over. glad the juniors are more bonded now. that they learnt something valuable. Very thankful to my juniors and people in STAC for their kind wishes and how they look at me. Probably they don't know that I'm no longer passionate about music? Maybe I'm still funny to some people. haha. Oh wells. 

Somehow i feel old. But i realized. I think i know where the problem lies. and i'll solve it. in the midst of planning exchange with Gao. Not easy to get same uni sia. places are damn limited. Will pray. if not i might have to travel alone. SIAN. Good experience though. Anyways. planning on a trip to somewhere near as well. Chris has some problem with indo, so can't really go bin tan now. hmm. 

Oh, did i mention that I'm super irritated. I hope I'm not biased. 

3 major events of my life! haven really got the time/mood to blog. it seems only appropriate now!

Just came back from tioman. supposed to go for diving course but was cancelled because of some marine conservation project THIS WEEK. i'll have to make another trip down again. Had alot of food, ate alot. like crabs and zi char for 2 nights. had malay food also. alcohol was cheap. tried rum. not too bad actually. haha. snorkeled and kayak-ed, mainly. wanted to go for jungle trekking but was too tired. swam, played pool and datona at night. theres a pub there but theres no one. so we drank in our apartment. almost died in the sea though. Thank God i didn't. Current was strong. i was without life jacket. next to me were rocks. if i swam any slower, i would have hit the rocks and died. The sea was beautiful nevertheless. Corals were nice but some were dying. Almost missed our boat,but made boat company made arrangements so everything ended smoothly. Quite a short trip but back with sun burn. enjoyed myself, really relaxed ttm.

Biz orientation camp! Went there with the intention to make more friends since i missed the shears one already! First day was games within biz. i know the way around biz school more or less now. had a feel of how hall was like. kinda liked it because the 151 journey took 1 hour 40 mins. first day games was just normal. didn't find anything special. though i thought the secret pal thing was lame. haha. supper was great. some raffles chicken thing. 2nd day was at sentosa. no 6 pax to show. very shy. im so gonna lose weight. again. had supper with my og. only group that ate supper together. haha. it was fun. ( Then i realised. actually. its. WOW. But abit far? ) 3rd day was turned out at 5am for some dirty games. then ate macs breakfast. for even more dirty games. 3rd day i went around NUS cos i forgot to pay hall fees. haha. then had to go down to office of admission or something. to pay that $200. They only accept money order. so have to draw money. BUT GOT NO UOB ATM AROUND. had to borrow from my OGL. damn nice guy. Piano player too. He's damn pro though. 4.1 CAP. Told me more about biz and walked me around NUS. exclusive orientation experience. After that was dinner and my team spent alot of time discussing on what to do for cheerleading comp and Imovie competition. Won first for cheerleading. and 3rd overall. Imovie chaps had ipod shuffles each. how cool is that! 4th day i didnt join them cos of work, but joined in for the finale at SOUL. not really a nice clubbing experience. but it was good to see my group again! haha. It was really fun. good to know that some people are gonna live with me!

Awaken. The life changing experience for me. i used to be called the embodiment of the 7 deadly sins. i used to know about God. now i know God. its amazing. first hand experience kinda thing. i haven been my usual self for quite some time already. kinda denounced sin. First day was quite sian cos i thought i was over-aged. though i was but i think there was a reason why God placed me there. enjoyed myself cos people were fun. not much games actually. alot of talks. i like it. enriching my knowledge. everything seems very relevant for the talk with leonard. 2nd day was really an eye opener, exposure. like chaplet of divine mercy,etc and it was tiring. 3rd day was. amazing. i always thought it was quite scary. pray over session. i rested in the Holy Spirit. Tongues sounded quite scary though. 4th day, quite a few people got the gift of tongues but i didn't. was abit sad. But i know He has his plans. Final Mass, selena and berenice's mum came. she kinda apologised for being so harsh on me the other day. of course i already forgave her. haha. i'm a free man now! really free!

its bitter, its painful and its hard to bite this bullet. it feels as if i've lost my arms, my legs, my kidney or my liver. i can survive, but its bloody tough. bloody tough to live through this. theres no more room for anyone else in my heart now. i don't know what to say. i don't know how to face you and your family. it just feels awkward and weird. i've never revealed so much of myself or my life to anyone. not even my parents, or my closest friends.

i am lost. lost beyond words. i don't know what to do now. i've got so many things that i want to do with you, so many places i wanna visit with you, so many people i want you to meet, so many words i wanna tell you, so so so so many things. 4 years. a very long time indeed. i don't know how long it will take for me to pick myself up again. i have the tendency to run away from matters. i don't wanna face reality. the reality that i don't wanna see. but i know it has happened and i have to face it. the only temporary solution now is to run. i feel breathless, i feel pain. be it running too fast or be it because i haven been jogging, it kills the pain from within. when i have the time alone, my mind runs back to you. and a kinfe cuts me from inside. its too painful. too painful for me to bear.

I've lived for 21 years on this surface of the earth. But i've never felt so happy as compared to that past month. If i were to forsake all my achievements, all my happy moments in the past for this 1 month, i'll do it without hesitation. but i know it wouldn't happen. life goes on for you perhaps, but in my world, everything froze. my destination no longer seems like a paradise without you. its just an empty space.

i don't wanna do anything now. i don't feel like doing anything. i can't feel anything, anymore.

 Berenice is in hospital now. She just finished her operation yesterday. was really busy. to manage school work, HOD rushing me for music grade, still need to mark their work and key into the system, hold tests for those who missed it, etc etc. tuition kids asking for extra lessons and visiting berenice at ttsh (the only relief i can get from my work) i am very worried for her. shes in some kinda ICU ward now. the doctors took a big piece of her lungs out cos theres like multiple holes. its damn painful to watch. shes been vomiting and i dont think she had a good night sleep. i wish i could be with her now. i'll visit her after work today.  People reading this please Pray for her. Thanks 

Tough times don't last, tough man (or woman) last! 

 i feel a little cheated. 220 per treatment is really quite ex. i usually think alot before buying stuff. now i just let 2500 + 7% gst out of my pocket. though my father's gonna pay most of it. but i still feel cheated. guek only pays 80 per treatment and its getting better. selene pays 100 for her most expensive one. compared to national skin centre where i paid 140 per treatment per month, its slightly more expensive. if it works i dont mind, but online reviews said that it doesnt ALWAYS work. i just hope that it works for me. im gonna stop at the 12th treatment. if it gets better, good ill stop there too. if it doesnt, sucks to be me and learn my lesson. i should have discussed with people first and get to know the market rate. i know of their marketing tatics, but yet impatience killed me and got me into paying a high price. 

my daughter tried to console me saying. if its 2625 for a lifetime investment then its worth it. and ive already paid so no point thinking about it. TMD, i feel damn dumb to pay so much just to quicken the process. though my mum and dad didnt scold me or anything but in my mind, i know i did something wrongly. the money could have been spent somewhere else. OUCH.

 no. go away. you will not know what im doing. neither do i

took up the new khatib tuition kid. he's a singh, not chinese as stated. was a little shocked to see the door with indian Gods. not that bright but its the distance im considering now. its right behind khatib camp. its not that im picky but i think the mum is damn kiasu and hard to work with. keep changing dates even for the first lesson and the way she looks at me is weird. got this feeling i'll be in her curry next lesson. totally not friendly pls.

im tired! very.

i am tired. not only physically but also mentally. i only have classes on tues to fri. though jobless on mondays, SA period and sch holidays. might just be something good. for me to slack. planning to go tioman and maybe thailand in june with my family. its really boring sometimes. though ive got a laptop to use with internet connection. i really dont know how to spend 3 hours a day at least with it. watched dvd until sian. like today, i only have an hour's lesson but im here in school for 6 hours. the rest is just filled up with waiting. 

true that theres a piano here but im also kind of bored of it already. haha. i need to find something to learn. 

im also tired of the people im putting in extra effort for. seems like its a tough battle cos of their committment levels. really hard to excel or improve if everyone just comes for mass and go, yes now with spiritual input but not much of musical, no sense of satisfaction for me. i really dont know if this is going the right way but maybe its just this phase of nothingness. 

lent is coming. 

life sucks, down with flu and i still have to come out with the proposal for the music programme. hate the running nose and teary eyes. used to the teary eyes though. went timbre yesterday. today went to beatrice's 21st with a flu. what a spoiler. only stayed for a while cos it was really irritating.

ive got so much to do after i took up this committment. need to do proposal for my boss, the VP and of course, powerpoint slides/videos for the theory part so that students can follow. and ive got to research on all these. besides i still have to do the "impress them on first lesson thing" everything has to be done by tomorrow or latest tuesday. i need more time. im gonna sleep soon again cos i have to wake up at 550 tomorrow. THIS IS GOOD, AND BAD AT THE SAME TIME