Meme
A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it."

1. I have very dry skin, and need to moisturize my hands 100 times a day. I can *never* be caught without chapstick or lip gloss or something moist for my lips.

2. I'm terrified of going down escalators. I will conquer my fear one day, but right now it's fairly paralyzing. I can roller coasters, elevators, been on top of the CN tower, Mt Washington, The Seattle space tip thing, it's not heights, it's the actual mechanism.

3. I'm an athiest, but I am passionate about classical religious music.

Handel's Messiah to me is one of the most exciting, moving pieces of music ever. Same for Haydn's Requiem & Verdi's Requiem. Words cannot describe what it does to me to stand on a stage with a full orchestra and sing these powerful works. I can honestly say it's almost as good as the best sex I've ever had.

4. In contrast with my dear friend, I am fanatical about hair removal. For years I even shaved my arms. I started trying to trim my pubes the day they began to grow. I shave more for comfort & pleasure than vanity though.

5. I cannot face anything until I've showered. When I wake up, I feel like a dead person who's suddenly been revived...I'm all confused, can't see, and I feel grubby like I've spent the last 10 years in a sarcophagus. It's the one thing I can't live without. Every nook & cranny has to be clean before I can even think about anything for the day.

6. I sing ridiculous songs to my bunnies when I'm home, constantly. I take pop songs and put rabbit lyrics to them. THEY LOVE it when I sing to them, the sillier the song the more binkies (happy bunny dance) I get. ;) Some examples:

She Works Hard for the Bunnies
You're once, twice, free times a bunny (anyone remember Eddie Murphy?)
You're no bun till some bun loves you
Sunshine on my bunny makes me happy
The Chicken dance sung with lyrics "bunny bunny bunny bun/bunny bunny bunny bun/ bunny bunny bunny bun, bun bun bun bun...."
The Love Boat Theme "Buns, exciting & new..."
Meow Mix song, in crazy cat voice (this elicits eye rolls from the kids, but I enjoy it.)
and more songs with rabbit replacement lyrics

7. My favorite musical of all time is The Sound of Music. I will never tire of it, it still makes me swoon, I still get all feminist over "16 going on 17", I still get gaga over the Captain. And Julie Andrews - is the best EVER. :)

I don't know if anyone besides Salix and HoS read my blog, but if you're on my Flist I want you to do the Meme too! :)

It's my ex's birthday today. It's been almost a year since the breakup from hell. And I haven't posted in a long long time.

It's only been a few months, but when I read my old entries, it feels like years. I remember writing all those things about treating myself better and not needing the ex, but at the time I didn't believe it all like I do now.

I know I have even more evolving to do, but I honestly feel like a different person today than I did even 3 months ago.

When I think of the way my ex left me, I feel relief that I no longer have to deal with his emotional torture. I am still angry, but that will subside over time. Right now my mindset is more along the lines of "Wow, how could I not see it before, he was such a lying pathetic scumbag." Which for me is a healthy place to be in the moment.

I am capable of getting emotional over it, but I won't allow myself to go there anymore. It is not constructive, it doesn't benefit me in any way.

I feel more sure of who I am. I feel more confident that there is no shame in who I am. I know that somewhere in the world there is someone who will not just "accept me for who I am", but desire & embrace who I am. I am not interested in being "accepted". That word to me means you'll overlook my flaws and love me anyway, it implies there are exceptions, conditions on love. By no means am I perfect, but my weaknesses are for me alone to work on. I strive to be better for Andrea, NOT for someone else. I will not change to make another human happy. I will change to make myself whole.

This is a collage I made for my wall, right above my computer. For me it's very motivational. It tels me who I am, where I am going and how I will get there.

I am so depressed and sick.

I was doing relatively ok until last Sunday. I suffered most of the day with the worst migraine. My migraines are full-stop, can't see, can't walk, can't keep anything down, puking, horrible. It lasted all day and finally around 3pm I tried to get myself together to do a laundry. Fortunately I had done most of my home chores Friday & Saturday.

I slept surprisingly well and was doing GREAT Monday morning...good attitude, felling ok. Then I was playing Imogen Heap's album Ellipse and heard one phrase that turned me upside down:

"Sunlight on your skin" from her song "Between Sheets".

I felt it happening and tried to stop it but no. Flood gates. Sitting at my desk trying to work, to focus. Leaking from the face moved to heaving sobs. And I just can't cry at all without getting wretchedly sick.

The migraine started shortly after the tears. At lunch I laid in my car and ate my half tuna sandwich. No luck. Shortly after I ate lunch I began to feel like my stomach was being torn to bits inside. By 4:30 I couldn't keep it together anymore and I went home.

Laid down most of the night, mostly because moving my skull was so painful. Threw up twice. At 7 things subsided to a brief point where I ate a baked potato, dry, and got the bunnies settled for the night. (made their dinner salad, changed litter and water)I went to bed at 9:30pm, listening to my migraine brainwave training hypnosis tape.

Towards the end I had to count myself out of the trance and ran to the bathroom to puke again. After I was sick the pain in my stomach slowed and I just focused on the agonizing pain in my head.

Migraines are just the worst. They make me wish I could die.

Today I woke up feeling iffy. I am mostly exhausted beyond belief. I can bearly work here at my desk. I ate some light cereal and some carrots. My stomach feels so queasy. And meanwhile I am thinking about death. I feel so depressed today. I feel like I'm in the black hole and I just wish I could cease to exist. I'm reading a web site about a woman who was clinically depressed and suicidal for years...and she's talking about how it's not the answer. I'm just trying not to succumb. I just want to feel better again. I'm getting my iron in an hour, maybe that will help, but I'm dreading the stomach pain.

I just am so sick of being alone and lonely. I miss having a man hold me and tell me things will be ok. I miss being taken care of. I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it.

And so it begins. A new decade is about to dawn. Ten years ago, I was about to open a whole new chapter of my life. And here on the cusp of another decade, I am yet again embarking on a new journey.

The new journey is about no apologies. I am a continuously evolving being, and there is no judgement in my new reality.

I have learned that for 34 years, I lived my life for other people, with the goal of making them happy so they would love me. Morphing into the shapes and colors that other desired to see. My fear of abandonment, rejection & lonliness has shut me out of what could be true happiness & fulfillment.

This year, I lost some of the most important, influential friendships of my adult life. The grief has been intense, and has lasted most of the year to verying degrees of severity.

It's also been a year of the most incredible triumphs and hopes of my life. I conquered my fear of swimming. I learned that there is hope for my hip through better, more durable hip replacement surgery. I learned I am stronger than I ever imagined. I learned that truly, I am the only person that can take real care of myself. No one else can have that burden. I am not a child anymore.

"I am not a child anymore."

I have come to accept the loss of my childhood. I have learned to stop chasing after it, chasing after people that fit the bill of the mother or father I never had. It simply is what it is. "Victim" is no longer a part of my vocabulary. I don't reject my past, because it is part of who I am, I cannot deny or change my own history. However I can choose to not be defined by it. I can choose to put that book back on the shelf, pick up a pen and paper, and start writing my new book.

That is what this blog is all about.

No bullshit. No vanity. Just pure and simply my soul, my thoughts- be they good or bad. I want to document my growth as I start this new stage of life.

Last day of the year. My energy level has taken a massive nose dive since about 2 days ago, and it's affecting my mood. I know it's my iron again. I had a blood test 4 weeks ago and it was already low. If you've ever been anemic, it really feels exactly like the definition:
lacking vitality, vigor or energy. All I want to do is succumb to the fog in my head, lie down and sleep.


I am fighting it big time today, not to be positive, but to just stay out of negativity. Just stay relatively neutral. Everyone is making my angry & frustrated, and every few minutes I have to just BREATHE. All I need to do is get through the next few hours here at work.

No should haves, I can't do that anymore. No "need to", only "I will". All I can address is right now, present and near future. Here is what I am going to do to take care of myself:

I have an appointment for an infusion next Tuesday. Usually how it goes is I feel nauseated and achy for a day or two and then BAM, I feel better.

Meanwhile, the long weekend is here and I know my old pattern. I will acknowledge it with compassion and find out why and how it starts.

The pattern: Start a pity party around 5:05pm, get home & nap until 7pm, make the kids dinner, let the voice in my head rail on about what a loser I am to be spending the weekend alone, wallow in loneliness, refuse to eat out of crushing depression, then around 10pm get so hungry I eat myself sick, then feel guilty and vomit, then take pills and cry myself to sleep. Next day sleep in and be rendered horizontally immobile by crushing depression and the mantra "what's the point", then on Sunday panic about undone chores and work until I can't move anymore.

I don't want to do that again. I don't want to be in that place of desperation anymore. I don't want to stay cloistered inside my own head.

An old friend from choir has invited me to her house for a New Year's Eve gathering. I think it's important I go. I think it's a sign, that I am supposed to be there, that she invited me for a reason. I haven't seen her in over a year, this is out of the blue. I will go.

I will stay actively outside myself. I will take care of myself. You know I recently went to visit my dear friend Julianne, and I felt fantastic every day. I ate balanced, healthy meals. I slept so well.

I will treat myself better in this new decade.

I gotta get this off my chest. Please note that this is said in the spirit of humor, and read it with a good helping of sarcastic tongue in cheekiness. ;)

( Why are straight men such douche bags?Collapse )

It has been just over a month since my last post. This one is not going to be witty, or charming, or entertaining. I'm just sitting down and typing. I'm going to try and explain what has been happening in my life. I don't care who reads this or what anyone thinks of it. This is for me.

( This is how I pull myself out.Collapse )

Gosh. Penis is SO cute and charming, isn't he??

All he wants is to be loved until he throws up. *blink blink*

*hearts penis* :)

OK so I know I've been slacking on the Stag Homme commentary. I've had alot going on, but I'm finally at a point where I can sit down and talk about this movie.

( It means Horny in Spanish, kids...Collapse )