1519 – Ferdinand Magellan set sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda with about 270 men on his expedition to circumnavigate the globe. He doesn’t complete the trip, but a few (darned few) of his cohort make the loop.

1633 – Galileo Galilei is tried before the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith for teaching that the Earth orbits the Sun. You’d have thought he was subpoena’d to a congressional hearing for advocating Ivermectin.

1893 – Charles Duryea and his brother road-test the first American-made gasoline-powered automobile. Federal government immediately subsidizes building of gas stations.

1904 – Orville & Wilbur Wright fly a circle in their Flyer II. Baby steps. And the Wright machine was far from a stable platform…

1909 – The Parliament of the United Kingdom passes the South Africa Act 1909, creating the Union of South Africa from the British Colonies of the Cape of Good Hope, Natal, Orange River Colony, and the Transvaal Colony. It had a pretty good run, but reports today indicate that it is sliding downhill toward being another poorly governed African hell-hole.

1939 – A German Messerschmitt Bf 109 is shot down by Fairey Battle gunner Sgt. F. Letchard during a patrol near Aachen. This is the RAF’s first aerial victory of the Second World War. “Fairey Battle”? Transpose that to battle fairy and you get either particularly militant homosexual or a something from World of Warcraft. Or leave it like it is and you have a brawl in a gay bar. “Bitch stole my mascara!”

1945 – German rocket engineers begin work in US. Twenty-odd years later, there are American footprints on the moon.

1954 – First FORTRAN computer program run. Remember FORTRAN? Remember writing computer programs at all?

1990 – Both Germanys ratify reunification . France says “Merde!”, Parisian restaurants start printing menus in German. Now it won’t matter. The language for both will be Arabic or something from Africa, probably with clicking sounds.

2001 – In an address to a joint session of Congress and the American people, U.S. President George W. Bush declares a “War on Terror“. Like the War on Poverty and the War on Drugs, this one gets a lot of money and a lot of government jobs for every little effect.

2007 – Between 15,000 and 20,000 protesters marched on Jena, Louisiana, in support of six black youths who had been convicted of assaulting a white classmate. Only six protesters had to miss work. For many of those people, protesting IS the job.

2008 – A dump truck full of explosives detonates in front of the Marriott hotel in Islamabad, Pakistan, killing 54 people and injuring 266 others. It was disguised as a clock.

2019 – Roughly four million people, mostly students, demonstrate across the world to address climate change. Sixteen-year-old Greta Thunberg from Sweden leads the demonstration in New York City. “If you sit in the dark and eat bugs and give the government more money, the weather will get better.”

85 AD – Nerva, suspected of complicity of the death of Domitian, is declared emperor by Senate. The Senate then annuls laws passed by Domitian and orders his statues to be destroyed. Does any of this sound the least bit familiar?

1356 – In the Battle of Poitiers, the English defeat the French. Yawnnnnn!

1778 – The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States, funds a highway and civic center in West Virginia and names them after Senator Byrd.

1796 – George Washington’s Farewell Address is printed across America as an open letter to the public. Nancy Pelosi tears it in half.

1870 – Franco-Prussian War: the Siege of Paris begins, which will result on 28 January 1871 in the surrender of Paris and a decisive Prussian victory. Hmmm! Germans whipping French butt!… Yawnnnn! They didn’t want to rush right in, either. It gave time for the restaurateurs to print menus in German and for the brothels to hold language classes.

1928 – Mickey Mouse’s screen debut (Steamboat Willie at Colony Theater NYC). Bugs Bunny comes along later, kicks mousey ass!

1945 – Lord Haw Haw (William Joyce) is sentenced to death in London for broadcasting enemy propaganda. It’s a good thing we’re so much more civilized now, or we’d be hanging the entire staffs of mainstream media organizations.

1949 – Will Cuppy, American humorist died. (b. 1884) He was a favorite of my 11th grade English teacher, the sainted Mrs. Peggy Pugh, and I much enjoy his humor. He wrote of King George III:

The colonists, it seems, had to “pay taxes to which their consent had never been asked.” [Footnote: Today we pay taxes but our consent has been asked, and we have told the government to go ahead and tax us all they want to. We like it.]

1982 – Scott Fahlman posts the first documented emoticons :-) and :-( on the Carnegie Mellon University Bulletin Board System. Today there are some people whose entire vocabulary resides in little pictures at the bottom of an iPhone texting app.

1985 – Tipper Gore and other political wives form the Parents Music Resource Center as Frank Zappa and other musicians testify at U.S. Congressional hearings on obscenity in rock music. She had to do something to stave off boredom while husband Al was off inventing the Internet or getting his chakras aligned…

2010 – The leaking oil well in the Deepwater Horizon oil spill is sealed.

1683 – Antonie van Leeuwenhoek writes a letter to the Royal Society describing “animalcules”: the first known description of protozoa. Van Leeuwehoek is commonly regarded as the inventor of the microscope. At least he was when **I** was a kid. Today’s kids are probably taught that it was invented by Africans or Muslims.

1787 – The United States Constitution is signed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Amazing! A country founded on “We the people”. Unfortunately, now it’s “We, Your Government, for the Right People…”

1862 – War of Northern Aggression: George B. McClellan halts the northward drive of Robert E. Lee’s Confederate army in the single-day Battle of Antietam Sharpsburg, the bloodiest day in American history. The Union army outnumbers the South 2 to 1, suffers more casualties. “Quantity has a quality all its own.”

1908 – The Wright Flyer flown by Orville Wright, with Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge as passenger, crashes; killing Selfridge. He becomes the first airplane fatality.

1916 – World War I: Manfred von Richthofen (“The Red Baron”), a flying ace of the German Luftstreitkräfte (Army Air Service), wins the first of eighty victories in aerial combat near Cambrai, France.

1928 – The Okeechobee Hurricane strikes southeastern Florida, killing upwards of 2,500 people. It is the third deadliest natural disaster in US history, behind the Galveston Hurricane of 1900 and the 1906 San Francisco earthquake. FEMA slow to respond. Bush widely blamed.

1939 – The Soviet Union joined Nazi Germany’s invasion of Poland during the Polish Defensive War of 1939. This move was carefully determined by secret treaty between the USSR and Nazi Germany beforehand. Yes, the same USSR that were our ‘allies’ when Hitler reneged on his agreement (before Stalin could renege on it from HIS side), demonstrating how diplomacy works with murderous dictators, a lesson that should be considered today every time the Left starts whining about negotiating a solution to every threat.

1976 – The first Space Shuttle, Enterprise, is unveiled by NASA. Then we have to beg rides from the Russians. Finally, the private sector steps up.

1978 – The Camp David Accords are signed by Israel and Egypt. After FOUR official ass-kickings, Egypt finally decides that peace might just be a useful option. Then we had Hillary ‘n’ Barack’s “Arab Spring”, and The Accords became just scribblings on paper by the failed regime. Then the adults took over again in Egypt, and The Accords are back in.

1980 – After weeks of strikes at the Lenin Shipyard in Gdansk, Poland, the nationwide independent trade union Solidarity is established. Their trade union was trying to get them out from under communism. Most of ours are promoting it.

1983 – Vanessa Williams becomes the first black Miss America. She resigns after a series of nude photos, including the famous “Duck call” shot that appeared in Hustler, surface. Today we’re lucky if the contestant was born female.

1993 – Last Russian troops leave Poland. See the “1939” entry above.

2001 – George W. Bush, president of the United States, delivers remarks at the Islamic Center of Washington praising Muslim Americans and condemning Islamophobia in the aftermath of the September 11 attacks. Pick quote “Islam is peace”. Got that one wrong, George. You should have read the book.

2006 – An audio tape of a private speech by Hungarian Prime Minister Ferenc Gyurcsány is leaked to the public, in which he confessed that his Hungarian Socialist Party had lied to win the 2006 election, sparking widespread protests across the country. Lying to win an election is the ONLY way the dimmocrats can succeed on a national scale.

2011 – Occupy Wall Street movement begins in Zuccotti Park, New York City. Now most of ’em are back to ‘occupying’ a sofa in Mom’s basement again, except for the few who wrangled jobs with dimmocrat party. Occasionally they show up as paid protesters around the country when the dimms need a ‘rent-a-mob’.

2013 – Grand Theft Auto V earns more than half a billion dollars on its first day of release.

2016 – Two bombs explode in Seaside Park, New Jersey, and Manhattan. Thirty-one people are injured in the Manhattan bombing. Its a group of radical presbyterians, right?!? No? Muslims? You’re kidding. They’re the Religion of Peace™ and we’re bringing thousands more into the country unvetted.

1588 – The so-called “Invincible Armada” sent by Catholic King Philip II of Spain to overthrow Protestant Queen Elizabeth I of England has been handed a crushing defeat in the English Channel.

1789 – The United States Department of State is established (formerly known as Department of Foreign Affairs). It’s time for another name change: “Department of government drones who would sell our country down the river for a chance to hobnob with foreigners”

1812 – The French army under Napoleon reaches the Kremlin in Moscow. This a move somewhat akin to a dog catching a moving car. “Now what do I do with it?”

1831 – The locomotive John Bull operates for the first time in New Jersey on the Camden and Amboy Railroad. In 1981 it becomes the oldest operable steam locomotive in the world when the Smithsonian Institution operates it under its own power outside Washington, D.C.

1873 – Franco-Prussian War: The last German troops leave France upon completion of payment of indemnity. French restaurateurs and pimps see revenues drop 95%. French DNA has a boost it’s needed since the Vikings and the English left.

1910 – Boers & Afrikaners win first general elections in Union of South-Africa. Lost the war, won the election.

1914 – US Marines march out of Vera Cruz, Mexico. Once the foot of the American oppressor is removed, Mexico goes on to become a bastion of justice, fairness and equality. Thousands of Americans each day brave horrible conditions in the deserts to enter Mexico to take advantage of the paradise there…

1916 – World War I: Tanks are used for the first time in battle, at the Battle of the Somme. That’s like a second birthday to me.

1935 – Nazi Germany adopts a new national flag with the swastika. I expected a move to adopt the obama ‘drippy anus’ logo for our flag for eight years.  Jews lose the rights of citizenship the same day.  I know that the Left is looking at this possibility for us as well.

1938 – British PM Chamberlain visits Hitler at Berchtesgarden. This day should be a holiday, the “Kiss a Dictator’s Ass for Peace Day”. By this wonderful act of diplomacy, the stage is set for the deaths of millions in WW II. The previous administration was STILL practicing it with the mullahs of Iran.

1941 – Nazis kill 800 Jewish women at Shkudvil, Lithuania. See my entry for 1938.

1944 – Battle of Peleliu begins as the United States Marine Corps’ 1st Marine Division and the United States Army’s 81st Infantry Division hit White and Orange beaches under heavy fire from Japanese infantry and artillery. Before it’s over, 1800 Americans are dead alongside 10,900 Japanese. The Marines have EIGHT Medals of Honor awarded, five posthumously.

1947 – The U.S. Air Force is separated from the US Army to become a separate branch. To all my Air Force buddies, one question: “Who’s yer daddy?”

1950 – During Korean conflict, UN forces land at Inchon in South Korea. The North Korean Army collapses in the days following. Only the entry of the Communist Chinese stops Korea from reuniting. This Chinese intervention and Truman’s reticence allows North Korea to become the beacon of fairness and harmony that it is today.

1959 – The first successful photocopier, the Xerox 914, is introduced in a demonstration on live television from New York City. Weighs over 600 pounds an can do SEVEN copies a minute. Price was $27,500 per MONTH. That’s $308,684.64 in today’s “dollars”

1961 – Hurricane Carla strikes Texas with winds of 175 miles per hour. FEMA slow to respond. Bush widely blamed.

1966 – U.S. President Lyndon B. “Lyin’ Bastard” Johnson, responding to a sniper attack at the University of Texas at Austin, writes a letter to the United States Congress urging the enactment of gun control legislation. Pandering panicky smarmy politician commie bastard.

1971 – The first Greenpeace ship sets sail to protest against nuclear testing on Amchitka Island. Greenpeace goes on to provide France its greatest naval victory of the 20th century.

1982 – First issue of “USA Today” published by Gannett Co., Inc. “MacNews”

1990 – France announces it will send 4,000 troops to the Persian Gulf. “Quick, garçon! My BROWN pants!” Flag factory receives large order, one word: White!

1741 – George Frederick Handel finishes “Messiah” oratorio, after working on it non-stop for 23 days.

1812 – Napoleonic Wars: The French Grande Armée enters Moscow. The Fire of Moscow begins as soon as Russian troops leave the city. Over half a million strong when they started the invasion of Russia, they’d lose 70% before reaching back home.

1886 – Typewriter ribbon patented. Remember typewriter ribbons? And carbon paper?

1901 – President of the United States William McKinley dies after an assassination attempt on September 6, and is succeeded by Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy is hardly up to the job, having only been governor for two years before becoming vice president.

1917 – Russia is officially proclaimed a republic. The communists surmise they can do a better job of running the country if they don’t have to bother with all the “rights” and “voting” crap. Oh, there’ll STILL be ‘elections’ but the outcome will be decided beforehand, like the Left is trying to do here.

1940 – Congress passes first peace-time conscription bill (draft law) and FDR, a dimmocrat, signs it, just in case you thought the draft was an eeeevil republican thing…

1957 – UN resolution deplores & condemns USSR invasion of Hungary . Russians tell UN “suck it!”.

1960 – Congo Crisis: Mobutu Sese Seko seizes power in a military coup, suspending parliament and the constitution. Everything in Africa is a crisis.

2000 – Microsoft releases Windows Me, commonly called “Windoze? Meh?”

2003 – Bissau-Guinean President Kumba Ialá is ousted from power in a bloodless military coup led by General Veríssimo Correia Seabra. Politics as usual in Africa.