Fucking hell is it even too much to ask for, a month of slacking off doing whatever? I just finished my exams yesterday, and today you're already pestering me about finding a job. I'm not sponging off you in any way, I'm not even asking YOU for money; if I need money, I'll use my damn own. And then you go off making me like a lost cause just because I don't intend on following your every single fucking instruction.
Please don't make me think that you're just after my monthly contribution to your retirement fund.
Please don't make me think that you're just after my monthly contribution to your retirement fund.
- Current Mood:
angry
Let's say you've always been a nice-guy archetype person. You let others have the first pick, you give way to others even though you also want what's in front of you. You don't complain. You grin like it doesn't matter to you and bear it. And you walk away. You do this all your life.
Then one day you decide you've had enough. You're sick of not doing what you want to do, not having what you think you should have. So you decide to do what you want, to have the first pick, to really just do whatever it takes to get what you want, leave what you don't want. And you start to get used to it; you start to like it.
But then you realize you're turning into a selfish bastard who just takes and leaves without caring. You realize that you're changing, for the worse, into someone you really don't want to be. You want to be who you were once before because you loved that side of you. But you don't want to have the disadvantages that you had, and you don't know how to live your life to be the person who you were while not having to give way ever again.
Then what?
Then one day you decide you've had enough. You're sick of not doing what you want to do, not having what you think you should have. So you decide to do what you want, to have the first pick, to really just do whatever it takes to get what you want, leave what you don't want. And you start to get used to it; you start to like it.
But then you realize you're turning into a selfish bastard who just takes and leaves without caring. You realize that you're changing, for the worse, into someone you really don't want to be. You want to be who you were once before because you loved that side of you. But you don't want to have the disadvantages that you had, and you don't know how to live your life to be the person who you were while not having to give way ever again.
Then what?
Free, free, free at last! No more assignments, no more essays, no more rehearsals, no more group discussions, no more study groups, no more texts, no more notes, no more FYP...oh wait.
Oh well.
SCREW IT.
Oh well.
SCREW IT.
It's late October. Exams are just around the corner. My schoolwork, slowly but steadily, is being cleared. Training takes a short break after this coming Thursday. My mind is grappling with all the stuff I need to study, but also with my plans for the holidays. I'm tired and I don't want to see another text. All in all, the typical pre-exam atmosphere. But there's something different this year.
In regular intervals, I'm being buffeted by waves of nostalgia that wash over me and cling to me, taking their own sweet time to evaporate. On my part, I'm not too sure myself if I want all these feelings to simply disappear. Because for all my whining about texts, assignments, presentations, subject registrations, school fees, traffic jams and crowded trains, I can't deny the fact that my time here in university so far has been of one that I'll treasure forever.
Friends that I've laughed with. Crushes that went nowhere. Teammates that I cheered for. Captain Jackass Ming Hann pulling a fast one on me in my 2nd year with Lagaan. Buka puasa. Lying in wait to surprise Rohana in Idza's hostel room on her birthday. Standing in a crowded hall, me, Halim and Rizar under the eyes of many as we started our regu routine. Jalan Raya. Chicken bento and udon lunches at the Quad. IVP. The memories, as they all do, will fade with time; details will be lost in the sands of time, faces will blur. They will fade. But I'll be damned if I let them disappear.
I've revealed this to some of them. That I want to continue my time here, that I don't want it to disappear. Not because I think that there's so much more that I can do here. But simply because I want to make even more memories of my time here, with new people, new teammates, new friends.
The nostalgia always leaves a sense of sadness in me. My journey, like that of my friends before me, is coming to an end. For some who I know, it's just beginning. I envy the flames in their hearts, little sparks of promise just waiting for that little bit of kindling, and cannot help but compare them to my own diminished one. But I remember that their flames can only make my own flame burn steadier, and in time, stronger.
Even though I'm only 24, I feel old. This knowledge and the sadness lodges itself into me, a bone-weary ache that will only go away when I close the door to this journey and open a new door to a new journey. But not yet. Even half-closed, there's still the allure of a brand new day, of brand new joy and laughter just waiting for me behind this door. And though it will eventually be closed, whether it be of my own volition or not, I won't turn my back on this door.
In regular intervals, I'm being buffeted by waves of nostalgia that wash over me and cling to me, taking their own sweet time to evaporate. On my part, I'm not too sure myself if I want all these feelings to simply disappear. Because for all my whining about texts, assignments, presentations, subject registrations, school fees, traffic jams and crowded trains, I can't deny the fact that my time here in university so far has been of one that I'll treasure forever.
Friends that I've laughed with. Crushes that went nowhere. Teammates that I cheered for. Captain Jackass Ming Hann pulling a fast one on me in my 2nd year with Lagaan. Buka puasa. Lying in wait to surprise Rohana in Idza's hostel room on her birthday. Standing in a crowded hall, me, Halim and Rizar under the eyes of many as we started our regu routine. Jalan Raya. Chicken bento and udon lunches at the Quad. IVP. The memories, as they all do, will fade with time; details will be lost in the sands of time, faces will blur. They will fade. But I'll be damned if I let them disappear.
I've revealed this to some of them. That I want to continue my time here, that I don't want it to disappear. Not because I think that there's so much more that I can do here. But simply because I want to make even more memories of my time here, with new people, new teammates, new friends.
The nostalgia always leaves a sense of sadness in me. My journey, like that of my friends before me, is coming to an end. For some who I know, it's just beginning. I envy the flames in their hearts, little sparks of promise just waiting for that little bit of kindling, and cannot help but compare them to my own diminished one. But I remember that their flames can only make my own flame burn steadier, and in time, stronger.
Even though I'm only 24, I feel old. This knowledge and the sadness lodges itself into me, a bone-weary ache that will only go away when I close the door to this journey and open a new door to a new journey. But not yet. Even half-closed, there's still the allure of a brand new day, of brand new joy and laughter just waiting for me behind this door. And though it will eventually be closed, whether it be of my own volition or not, I won't turn my back on this door.
- Current Mood:
thoughtful
3-4 weeks into the school term and I don't know what to think. It's all chaos up in here, barely balanced by a need to maintain, if not restore, a sense of order into my mind. Blame it on Batman: Arkham Asylum (a bloody brilliant game by the way) but I kinda feel at times as though my brain is at times that place itself, that mysterious realm of disorder where my inner procrastinator/selfish bastard/devil is the Joker, taking up permanent residence, controlling by sheer force all the hidden desires that lurk inside like crazed inmates while at the same time happy to let them loose creating whatever havoc they may. I try to suppress them, redirect that energy into something more constructive.
That's right kiddies. I'm The Batman.
What?
It was the only chance I had to use that line.
But if I were to be completely honest about how my brain works, at least to the best of my knowledge, I'd say that the inmates of my brain more or less fizzled out by themselves; there was no need for a Batman. All those things I said I'd do or at least get around to trying in a previous post? None of them came to fruition. The official excuse is this: The Silat IVP which NTU was hosting took up all my time until mid-June, and my final two months at work pretty much wiped out whatever free time i had left. There is some truth to that, but I can't deny that once again, I simply failed to make an opportunity and seize it when I could. I don't know what to say about that. I believe whole-heartedly that there's simply no point in getting worked up over things I can't control.
It's just that lately I've been wondering if the opportunities I'd let slip by were really beyond my control.
That's right kiddies. I'm The Batman.
What?
It was the only chance I had to use that line.
But if I were to be completely honest about how my brain works, at least to the best of my knowledge, I'd say that the inmates of my brain more or less fizzled out by themselves; there was no need for a Batman. All those things I said I'd do or at least get around to trying in a previous post? None of them came to fruition. The official excuse is this: The Silat IVP which NTU was hosting took up all my time until mid-June, and my final two months at work pretty much wiped out whatever free time i had left. There is some truth to that, but I can't deny that once again, I simply failed to make an opportunity and seize it when I could. I don't know what to say about that. I believe whole-heartedly that there's simply no point in getting worked up over things I can't control.
It's just that lately I've been wondering if the opportunities I'd let slip by were really beyond my control.
- Current Mood: thoughtful
I don't even know if I typed out the romaji for that one correctly but it'll have to do eh? Anyways it looks like Marvel's now decided to get into the whole animated movie thing after DC went ahead with Batman: Gotham Knight followed by Wonder Woman followed by the newly-released Green Lantern: First Flight (still waiting for that one on local shores) plus the next project Superman/Batman: Public Enemies. Thanks to a tie-up with notable Japanese anime production houses like Madhouse, the comics fan gets not one but 2 movies (or series, I'm not entirely sure)
Cool, right? It's made even more interesting by the fact that it doesn't really fit with what we know of both Iron Man and Wolverine. It's as if Marvel gave MadHouse the freedom to do whatever they wanted with the two characters. Which probably explains Wolverine heh.
Cool, right? It's made even more interesting by the fact that it doesn't really fit with what we know of both Iron Man and Wolverine. It's as if Marvel gave MadHouse the freedom to do whatever they wanted with the two characters. Which probably explains Wolverine heh.
- Current Mood:
excited
Quite an interesting read. I'm gonna have to hunt around for this "Psychology of Superheroes" book.
Road to "Blackest Night": Spectrum Analysis Part 1
Road to "Blackest Night": Spectrum Analysis Part 2
Road to "Blackest Night": Spectrum Analysis Part 3
Road to "Blackest Night": Spectrum Analysis Part 1
Road to "Blackest Night": Spectrum Analysis Part 2
Road to "Blackest Night": Spectrum Analysis Part 3
- Current Mood:
curious
It was pretty hard to stay calm and sane after watching this. I had a feeling this was gonna be a game to look out for, but seeing the gameplay in action gave me fanboy goosebumps all over. You're Jack Black playing as the greatest rock band roadie ever when you're transported into the world of heavy metal, complete with skeleton-corpse mountains. You get an awesome axe for dishing out melee combos. Your guitar allows you to cast magic by playing power chords. You start a revoltution for brain-washed head-bangers by playing heavy metal.
It just doesn't get any cooler than that does it?
</div></div></div>
It just doesn't get any cooler than that does it?
</div></div></div>
- Current Mood: excited
Soo...Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It was...good? I guess? I don't know, the jury's still out for this one. Critics all over have lambasted this one, they were actually falling over themselves just to one-up each other on who could insult the movie more. It's almost as if there was nothing left to insult about it anymore. Of course the receipts say another story. To the rabid fanboy and the neutral moviegoer something obviously worked right. For myself, I got what I wanted so I'm pretty satisfied. I wanted to see explosions, cars, transforming robots, Megan Fox. I got what I wanted.
Plot? Didn't need it. What RotF is though is pure in-your-face movement, motion. There's always something going on, the actors are always moving and talking fast, like they're all hopped up on Red Bull, grass, coffee at the same time. The action just punches its way into your eyes and invades your brain. There's no time to think about the gaping plot holes which, trust me, are there. After the movie, I couldn't even think straight aside from the "look at everything go kablooie" one. If I wanted to hypnotize someone, forcing them to watch this movie would be a good way to start.
For what it's worth, I did enjoy the movie and the adrenaline rush that came with it. But it left an aftertaste of disappointment of the feeling of "it could have been so much better", something that could have been solved with a better focus on making the story actually flow. Oh well. This should serve well enough as an explanation.
Plus side, it cost me six bucks only, which reminds me, I owe money.
Plot? Didn't need it. What RotF is though is pure in-your-face movement, motion. There's always something going on, the actors are always moving and talking fast, like they're all hopped up on Red Bull, grass, coffee at the same time. The action just punches its way into your eyes and invades your brain. There's no time to think about the gaping plot holes which, trust me, are there. After the movie, I couldn't even think straight aside from the "look at everything go kablooie" one. If I wanted to hypnotize someone, forcing them to watch this movie would be a good way to start.
For what it's worth, I did enjoy the movie and the adrenaline rush that came with it. But it left an aftertaste of disappointment of the feeling of "it could have been so much better", something that could have been solved with a better focus on making the story actually flow. Oh well. This should serve well enough as an explanation.
Plus side, it cost me six bucks only, which reminds me, I owe money.
- Current Mood:
blah
A little humiliation and ego-deflation, once in a while, is good for you. Even if it's handed to you in an indirect manner, a small kick up an arrogant backside never hurt anyone. I was gently reminded of this after work, while having lunch with a couple of my colleagues. While we were just talking shop, the topic was eventually steered to a fellow colleague of ours, who as it turns out, was a lot more than I thought he was.
I have no problem with admitting that the blame lies with me. I've always been aware of being subconsciously somewhat arrogant, looking down on others who for some reason I simply perceive to be lower than me. Honestly speaking, I have no idea where it came from, how something like this was inculcated in the first place. I can blame anything if I want to.
I can blame my upbringing.
I can blame my privileged education (Raffles Institution then Anglo-Chinese JC).
I can blame the misguided subconscious belief that because I was the first to go uni, I was somehow the best in the family.
There're a lot of things I can point my finger to, but that doesn't change the fact that I am an arrogant jackass prick at times. People around me are polite; some may have chosen to just keep it quiet and not put me in my place. But I know myself too, and I've done some self-reflection. I know what I am, and I am definitely not proud of my faults. I try to change them, but it's not always successful.
Anyway, back to the colleague, I've always thought of him as the typical mat, the "rilek one corner and lepak" type. We've never really talked much besides the usual crap. He's got this quiet Zen face which I wrongly perceived as blank. And because I do not fit the archetype highlighted , somehow subconsicously I developed the feeling that I was better. So it was a shock to discover from my two colleagues that he was a damn talented artist who more or less reached the top of his class in school, has an amazing portfolio, is very well-read and can easily hold a meaningful conversation. Definitely one up on me. The guy reads up on the book, the author, the author's motivations for writing, so on.
I felt so small. Here I am, a struggling English major labouring to push my GPA to a 2nd-lower, no definite five-year plan, stagnating during the holidays without charting a proper direction after graduating a year from now and I had the cheek to subconsciously look down on the guy. I remember once he asked me for a list of recommended books to read after hearing that I was a English Lit major. I gave him a short list of what I enjoyed, but I also remember feeling incredulous because I simply thought that he didn't look like the reader type. And now when I look back I feel like a complete tool.
This small experience has showed me a lot. It's showed that I haven't changed as much as I wanted to at the start of the year, that I'm still biased jerk at times, that I'm arrogant, that I have a lot of dreams but very little courage to push through with them. But at the same time, it's also reminded me that I'm no different from my colleague.
Just like him, I have a lot of untapped potential, that who I appear to be on the outside is not a good measure of what I'm truly capable of. I'm more than capable to try and have a fulfilling life, to do what I want and what I can to the best of my abilities. Again, I repeat to myself: I want to change. I have to change. I will change.
Now I just have to put my money where my mouth is. Wish me luck.
I have no problem with admitting that the blame lies with me. I've always been aware of being subconsciously somewhat arrogant, looking down on others who for some reason I simply perceive to be lower than me. Honestly speaking, I have no idea where it came from, how something like this was inculcated in the first place. I can blame anything if I want to.
I can blame my upbringing.
I can blame my privileged education (Raffles Institution then Anglo-Chinese JC).
I can blame the misguided subconscious belief that because I was the first to go uni, I was somehow the best in the family.
There're a lot of things I can point my finger to, but that doesn't change the fact that I am an arrogant jackass prick at times. People around me are polite; some may have chosen to just keep it quiet and not put me in my place. But I know myself too, and I've done some self-reflection. I know what I am, and I am definitely not proud of my faults. I try to change them, but it's not always successful.
Anyway, back to the colleague, I've always thought of him as the typical mat, the "rilek one corner and lepak" type. We've never really talked much besides the usual crap. He's got this quiet Zen face which I wrongly perceived as blank. And because I do not fit the archetype highlighted , somehow subconsicously I developed the feeling that I was better. So it was a shock to discover from my two colleagues that he was a damn talented artist who more or less reached the top of his class in school, has an amazing portfolio, is very well-read and can easily hold a meaningful conversation. Definitely one up on me. The guy reads up on the book, the author, the author's motivations for writing, so on.
I felt so small. Here I am, a struggling English major labouring to push my GPA to a 2nd-lower, no definite five-year plan, stagnating during the holidays without charting a proper direction after graduating a year from now and I had the cheek to subconsciously look down on the guy. I remember once he asked me for a list of recommended books to read after hearing that I was a English Lit major. I gave him a short list of what I enjoyed, but I also remember feeling incredulous because I simply thought that he didn't look like the reader type. And now when I look back I feel like a complete tool.
This small experience has showed me a lot. It's showed that I haven't changed as much as I wanted to at the start of the year, that I'm still biased jerk at times, that I'm arrogant, that I have a lot of dreams but very little courage to push through with them. But at the same time, it's also reminded me that I'm no different from my colleague.
Just like him, I have a lot of untapped potential, that who I appear to be on the outside is not a good measure of what I'm truly capable of. I'm more than capable to try and have a fulfilling life, to do what I want and what I can to the best of my abilities. Again, I repeat to myself: I want to change. I have to change. I will change.
Now I just have to put my money where my mouth is. Wish me luck.
- Current Mood: thoughtful
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...and so it goes.
one of my favs:
"Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight?
I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they disappear and show up right after he dies. But they…
So when you…