When I was young, like all other children, I loved listening to praise. I loved the ring of praises in my ears telling me that I recited a poem really well, that I sang really well, that I performed really well. 

The uplifting feeling that comes to you when someone says something nice is really unparalled.

But, over the years, I've come to be afraid of it.

As a little Eurasian, I came across a few young friendships that faltered because I came across as too proud.

I corrected my friend's English in class because it was, simply, wrong. The simple intention of a young child to want her friend to embrace good grammar came off as proud. 

I liked to tell little stories to my younger friend in the schoolbus because I liked sharing stories that were happy, had happy endings. The next day, she comes to me and says her mother told her not to befriend me because I was proud.

These always left question marks in my head. Was accepting praise and appreciation wrong? Was doing something you're good at well and helping others to do it just as well wrong?

And so now I never want to hear public appreciation for anything I do. I don't want the wrong impression of myself to get through to people, i.e. I love attention and praise and honor and glory all in my name. Because I don't.

I do things because I want them done well. I do things because I want everyone to be happy. I do things because I feel He has asked me to do them.

And I don't need appreciation anymore. Because it's my intention to do it, and I don't ask for anything else.

Which is also why I've come to find human nature so terrifying. The need and zest for power and appreciation when they don't give it to others. The thirst for glory and praise in their names for things they don't do, and the dislike for others that turns into something nasty when things don't go their way.

Why. I'd never understand.

Along the way, I've also come to let others misunderstand. Let them misunderstand. Because I'm in this for the right reasons.

I find it frightening that, after a change of haircut, my classmate seems to have adopted a whole new personality. Her presentation is somewhat fluffy and cottoncandy-ish, just like her new curls and bangs.

Maybe I should get a haircut.

After two days of researching on Japan, I think I'm ready for an overseas trip alone.

Won't it be awesome just to go away, with no one to worry about and just enjoy the luxury of time and freedom?

Japan 2013. Solo trip. It's going to happen :)

Similarly, there is no more hurt.
There was never hate, only an unexplainable abyss of hurt.
But now, I think I have come to find peace.

To you, who took my friendship and shattered it to pieces, I thank you for showing me how unsuited I was to be in your company, and how much of an adult I could be away from that life. I have never been more blessed ever since.

To you, who took my patience for granted, I thank you for showing me how happy I could be not having to worry about being just myself and knowing that I should be accepted and appreciated for the person I am. I have never been happier ever since.

But, to me, forgiveness does not mean renewal. It's knowing what we have gained through what we have lost. I think everyone knows me well enough: Once I decide to move forward, I never look back.

I wish my past crosses all the best, and I'm sorry I cannot carry you anymore. xx

Have been away from choir for so long that I'm starting to get withdrawal symptoms from lack of singing. This morning woke up, and decided that I wanted to do another cover. And, well, because I am becoming less and less Eurasian and becoming more and more Chinese as the days pass by, I decided to do a Chinese cover. Have done covers before, but they were like pretty ridiculous cos I did handsome boy's songs and girls really sound horrendous doing male song covers using the actual key.

Anyway, here's my cover. As you can see, I was so desperate to sing that I didn't even get out of bed, I was without makeup, and I didn't bother combing my hair. Enjoy~~~

Am sitting in Starbucks at The Cathay having breakfast, getting some work done, and waiting for the sister to finish her auditions for SOTA at 12pm. Thought it timely to spend some time typing a blog post.

Yesterday, I watched a video uploaded by The New Paper. 


And it made me think. 

I am someone who believes in honorifics and showing respect to my elders. Even when someone older talks down to me, I take it all in and refrain myself from talking back because, at the end of the day, I respect that they are older and thus should not be treated rudely by myself. EVEN when they may not be in the right.

However, such a video makes me feel so disappointed in the elderly of today. Sure, she did not give up her seat at the very first moment (though we will not really know the full story since the video was only taken after the elderly lady "won" her throne), but the fact of the matter is, she did. Even when she was being harshly talked to in the beginning, she chose to keep silent, knowing that she should have given up her seat without being asked and knowing that the person she was being talked down to was someone more senior than her.

What struck me was the attitude in which she was talked to by the elderly.

Did she own the seat? Am I OBLIGED to give her the seat? Should she ASSUME that I MUST give up my seat? I paid the same fare as her. Why can't the other person next to me, who spotted she had a bad leg, and who is more able-bodied, give up THEIR seat? Should I even be sexist and say that the man next to me should have been the gentleman and give up HIS seat instead?

I think, I know my answer to my question: Yes, I should give her my seat because it has been termed a "priority seat" for someone who needs it more than myself. Furthermore, I should have given her my seat REGARDLESS of it being reserved for people like her, simply because of the person I have been brought up to be. BUT, should I be SCOLDED into giving up my seat? And then be called names? And my photo taken to be published to show what kind of a woman I am? Eh. Hello. I gave you my seat. I think you may question my person if I had INSISTED on sitting and REFUSED to give up my seat.

I now question my support of having a "Priority Seat". Though I understand the logic of the corner seats being more convenient for our elderly to access the exit when alighting, I feel it has become a system made used of and even abused by ourselves.

Does this mean that someone who is not feeling well is not entitled to the corner seat, since it is clearly not reserved for them? Does this mean that people from the other seats should not give up their seats because those seats are "not reserved for other people what".  This issue of priority seating now comes across as a way for people to demand and assume they have a right to be unreasonable, and for others to shift responsibilty to the person seated in the "priority seat". Are we teaching the young of today to shift responsibility instead of taking it?

So do I want to teach my child:

"Okay ah, you don't sit priority seat, then you don't need to give people your seat."

Instead of:

"You can sit anywhere you want, but if you see someone who needs it more than you, please give it up to them."

I constantly give up my seat, which was never a "priority seat" mind you, to grateful passengers, while "selfish" others remained happy in their "priority seats". And I've seen others do the same, examplary citizens who choose to sacrifice their comfort for someone else's simply because of graciousness and kindness. Shouldn't we take such photos of such acts of kindness, publish them, and show that we are a nation of kind people, instead of doing the latter and slamming those who do not give up their seats?

So, here's my reply to senior citizens who abuse their rights and assume we younger generation are not brought up to be gracious and kind and respectful to our elders when such a situation would have ended in a different way if she had just been reasonable:

"Okay, enough!"

When people are unhappy with another, I guess it is natural to attack the individual with unkind words that should not be shared even in the very liberal cyberspace. I don't fault human nature on criticising and acting out in displeasure. Though, of course, sometimes certain things are better kept to ourselves. And though, of course again, that there are better ways to express displeasure in another.

However, I think it is just evil to curse other people's family, to use other people's loved ones as tools to make the individual feel horrible. It takes a calculative and scheming mind to think out of focus of the individual and come up with other ways to put down someone. Isn't that something only scheming villians would do? It's pure evil, pure work of the devil to stoop to such a low level in order to make your stand known that you detest someone. 

所以我對於寶貝的家人被攻擊真的覺得很不爽. 希望那些邪惡的小人早點被神拯救，因為做壞事會有報應的.

I don't understand the choices that people have made recently, which makes me motivated to do a reflection on my favourite hot topic, though my stand on it has deviated quite a bit.

Man needs love, I gotta admit that. I need love. There is a constant empty void in people that yearns for a perfect someone to come in. There is no doubt that love is a beautiful thing. But we also know that love is a complicated thing that does not involve just the individual alone. To partake in this feast of love is to share it and experience it with someone else. My focus on love today, though, is not familial love or love for a friend, which somehow is easier to accept with all its trials and tribulations, but on the love that we all know involves two people.

Therefore, it always gets to me when someone runs into love and decides to just pick it up and enjoy its moment. However, once the luxury of it wears off, regret sets in and excuses come into play. I do call things like "I can't focus" or "It's just me" as excuses, I don't think everyone agrees with me on this. In any case, if love fails, both parties have played a part. I cannot stand it when people push the blame and push responsibility for it. Why can't you just say "Sorry, I've failed. I can't handle love." instead of "It's a distraction, it's making me lose focus." How do you lose focus? Through your own mind.

Because if you want to love, you should dare to face it all the way. 

It's easy to blame many failures on love. But I think we should leave those faults and blamings behind in adolescent days, where relationships were never the motivator to excel but a distraction for enjoyment. I don't think we are 15 year-olds anymore.

If you are like me; If you don't dare to love because you think you're going to face many difficulties and challenges, then don't love. If you're going to question everything every step of the way, if you're going to blame any setbacks on love, then I don't think you are suitable to take on the challenge of love. I know I don't dare and I'm not suited and I'm not ready, because I do not have the strength of mind to want to go through it all again, so I'm perfectly happy and satisfied with love in other forms. Afterall, love is love and love can be experienced anywhere.

However, if you want to love, you have to dare to love. You have to be brave to overcome all the obstacles that are going to come your way. You've gotta stop finding excuses to escape when you regret it, and you've gotta accept everything that love brings together with it.

Perhaps my thinking is to idealistic, too black and white: Love, don't love. But sometimes, I think such decisions are important for dramatic people. Don't mind my rant, but please mind correcting me, because I really think people are so complicated sometimes I just wanna slap them awake with a wooden plank. Then again, having complication in people's lives is just something human right.

Rant over. 

不敢愛，就學學我，不要追求愛. 要愛，就勇敢去愛，不要連累別人.