Each step of the way, I walk with You.

So interesting how I still come back to this space every now and then when I have the time to, and when I read something that i have something to say, but do not dare to say it or do not think it the right time to say it. So interesting how I still think this quiet space is an avenue to let out thoughts and feelings when it probably is the least safest place.

Hmm, things seem to be moving quickly and slowly at the same time. I'm not sure how or when or why or what, but I suppose some friendships loses its stint after a while. It's hard to keep up with everyone.. Even harder to keep up when you do something out of love, but becomes taken the wrong way. It's even harder to be, I guess, being loving even after the incident. But I suppose God calls us to be gentle in spirit, and also to be unafraid to stand for what is right.

Yet was that right? I question it. Much of it feels/felt like selfishness said over many things, yet at the same time, I do wonder if I didn't say it would things be the same still? Then again, I wondered if I was truly being a sister and friend if I didn't say the things I did. Part of loving others is to push them towards holiness and godliness, and if along the way there was wandering and listlessness and feeling lost, then perhaps pushing them to fight back to be on that very straight and narrow path is something worth it after all. To see someone grow and move from being choked by weeds, to wanting to stand up straight and tall so that when the time for the harvest come, he/she will be harvested like the rest of the plants, and be kept in the barns.

It's probably going to be a struggle to feel like this. I know I shouldn't, and mustn't push too hard nor fight too much. At the same time I should not be letting go completely and letting the spirit take control. Instead, I must push to fight back the weeds for her that she may grow to become a tree, planted by the water which would grow fruits and bud according to His will.

Is all this according to Your will though?

I must remember that You're the calm in the storm and the lighthouse in the darkness. Not me, not me, not me. I wish only that she could see it for herself what this all means to me. I wish only that I could challenge and walk and be supportive in that manner which is healthy, and which is filled with Your love, grace, and compassion.

A text shall go out soon - one I hope that would remind you that our friendship will stand more than just the test of time because we both have God in common.

I think the seed that was planted has grown surely into a plant of some sort. Most times, I am afraid because I am afraid to feel. Though we are wired to feel, and have emotions, and be expressive, but I am afraid to feel. Afraid to feel like this could be it. Afraid to feel that perhaps, it might all be taken away from me.

The seed has grown to a point of being precious to me, and I think I would guard and protect this seed as much as I can. Yet at the same time, I don't think I'm watering it with love.

Perhaps I should write a letter soon. Or maybe I should just get rid of it.

Then maybe for once, I would stop struggling about whether it's okay. In my head and in my heart, I know that it's okay. That there's nothing wrong. To love is to be vulnerable at all. So why am I afraid? Is it because I don't love as much as I thought I do..? That all these obstacles are real and all these barriers are there for a reason. To turn me away, and not to plunge forward.

Too much, I think I feel too much.
To know, to feel like this, to think like this. To have to pray and urge that I will struggle with great joy. Those prayers bring me pain somewhat. Cause Idk where the end point is. And I'm afraid the end point is going to be something that hurts even more than it did when the seed was planted.

I could live like those who are courageous and speak their minds, and fight for what they believe. But I don't think I'm like them. Neither am I like those who are so afraid they don't speak their minds, and give in to everything others believe in. Guess I'm learning to find myself, and learning to reason with myself and God where this heads, and what these all mean.

Great joy, great joy. Supposed to be.

It is. Growing this plant brings me joy. I'm just afraid someday this plant might wither and die, or afraid that someday this plant ought to move to more fertile soil. I'm afraid this plant does not stay where I want it to stay. Right here. Close by. Close to me. And I must question myself why I'm so afraid, and why I want it where I want it, and why I want to help it grow into a tree.

May they all see that this is not the end. This cannot be the end. Life has to be more than simply living, and then dying. Life IS more than living, and dying. There is Christ, there is hope, there is love, there is so much more than what we are able to see here on Earth.

May You use this for Your glory and name's sake. Such a difficult prayer, but really Lord, who can fathom the work of Your hands?

You are truly beautiful beyond description, too wonderful for comprehension. In such a season may You scream all the more into our hearts, ears, and minds so that we will NEVER walk away from this thinking "All there is to life is death".

In everything, the chaos, confusion, silence, struggles, stillness, let us know that You are God. May You lead us by Your green pastures, and Your still waters. May we not think we are at rest till we are finally at rest in You and Your love.

"Nothing teaches us the preciousness of the Creator as much as when we learn the emptiness of everything else."
Charles Spurgeon

Feels like a long time since I've been on this space, but it's actually not that long. It feels like a long time since I've talked about certain things, but it's also actually not that long.

The past year has really gone by quickly. Event happening after event.. Somehow this year's constant change feels almost like it has swept me off my feet again and again, chasing after wind, and then being rooted back down on Earth again. Almost circular, like how the book of judges is somewhat the same. I think the busyness is one thing, but the whole moving forward in the day and night just sort of goes by without much realisation. Which is an extremely scary thing, to just let my days go by without remembering what I did. Kind of represents the mundaneness of life & in some sense, the godlessness too.

Extreme scariness.

My months used to go by in weeks. Things would sort of always be planned 2 weeks in advance because, busy. But now I feel like the year goes by in months. Things start to sort of be planned months in advance. & sometimes I envy those who live day-to-day. Today I feel like doing this, therefore I shall. Tomorrow I want to catch up with so and so, therefore I shall. Almost enviable. I feel it..

And I'm not quite sure if it's because there's a lot happening recently, coupled with work, it really dulls things and leaves me only the night to really have intentional time whether with myself, friends, kids, family, God. Or, if I'm simply having too much on my plate. But today's surrender is tomorrow's freedom, indeed. Completely the Spirit's conviction in the past few weeks of struggling so much of wanting to grasp hold of things but realising that I cannot, or struggling to let go of the things I didn't even know I grasped onto so tightly.

Yesterday's bible study on pleasure was so apt. The desire to pursue holiness, godliness and God....... Was, a hit on the head, a knock to the heart from God crying out how much He desires for us to desire Him. That indeed all things on Earth will fade, but He won't. And our strength will fail but God is our portion forever. Navigating through black and white is easy, but navigating through grey things aren't easy, and so often we straddle between "Yes I want to please Him" to "Isn't it so much easier to just follow our sinful ways"? But that's exactly the kind of lies the devil puts in our heads to try to snatch away the gospel truth. To make us distrust the Truth, and believe the lies.

Mmh.. More than that too, being someone who really believes in the whole "uproot the sin" and "cut off everything", I felt extremely challenged by this concept of "all or nothing" & ultimately does it truly uproot the problem of sinful pleasure, or does it only give me an excuse to fill an empty cup with something else. The purest truest remedy should instead be turning and fixing my eyes on Him, to be filled by Him and to fill myself with Him. Challenged.. Really so challenged. Espesh over the past 2-3 weeks, trying to struggle to learn how to love but not to simply love blindly because a person says this is the best way to love him/her. So easy, to just listen to what a person thinks/says is the best way to be loving, and be blind to follow it without thought, or wisdom. Really foolishness. & yesterday just re-affirmed the whole idea of learning how to navigate through things that seem complex.

And also 2 Corinthians I think just really reminds me. 3 times Paul cried out to God to take away the thorn in his flesh! But God's response? My grace is sufficient for you.
That really pushes and drives back the whole entire idea that we often ask God to take away pain or struggle or suffering, but God's answer is not "yes" or "no" or "later" or "I will soon", but that HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT. Essentially and perpetually meaning that - You struggle hard, but remember and KNOW I am here. His bold statement of "I am here", and the truth of His word should be it. Which also means to say that it may not be completely right to ask God to take away things in our life, because it also goes against the doctrine of God is good. That God does not withhold anything good from us. Also meaning that the struggle.... Is good. That thing He gives that we so struggle with, is good. In some very twisted sense according to a human perspective. But for God...... It IS good. And we deny Him and crucify Him when we ask Him to take it away because we indirectly declare that He isn't good.. Or we diminish Him because we indirectly say "I know better - THIS ISN'T GOOD FOR ME! How can this be good for me?"

Yet it's so true....... Often asking, "how can this be good for me???????" Being blind to see God's hand, trusting God's heart, believing God's grace and faithfulness that they are indeed new each morning.

Such painful conviction and realisation to see that :(

Most times I just wish He could take it away and sinfully think that I would no longer struggle. But Bonhoeffer reminds again and again that the Christian life is all about the struggle. The new paradigm shift and perspective should no longer be about "take away this struggle" but "teach me to struggle with joy".

Utmost pleasure found in You. Utmost joy found through You. Utmost love found by You.

Need to pray not mediocre prayers, but big ones that captures Your heart for Your people. & humbly ask that You will use me to reach those You've placed around in my life. That they will see You for who You are, as Lord and Saviour, King and friend, brother, and lover.

For all Your goodness for how You loved us, we give You thanks.

Life is funny. It works in a funny way, and so I really believe that God has an incredulous amount of humour.

In sorting things out I think I've reached a stage where I suddenly feel even more lost than before. I know my values are being shaped by Christ, and I know that He is teaching me to live a life where I am pushed beyond what I think my boundaries are, to please Him. I'm not sure if stepping out of my comfort zone is the right/best thing, and I'm not sure if stepping out of my comfort zone is something that I want to do. But I know that we weren't called to be comfortable here on Earth and treat this place like a permanent. But instead, we were told to treat this place like temporary, and hence not grasping onto things so tightly.

In my decision to move to youth, I think I see the importance and the need for continuity with my kids. I think I also see the importance to challenge myself to cling onto God more. Funny though, since most would never do that. But being in kid's ministry has somewhat, I feel, made me comfortable and secure..

I'm not sure I'll regret this decision to move. Personally find it difficult to move, and I know that it'll be a very big change. But I think I'm willing to move not because of friends, or because I feel like I need a "better" family, but because I think I want to do it to walk deeper with my kids and fellowship with them more. CC has been a place where everyone has been like a family to me. Even more than a family sometimes, and I'm afraid to lose that family feeling. But I ask and pray that He is sovereign in my decisions, and that He will work it out for my good in time to come.

The other thing that I'm trying to decide is whether it is wise and pleasing to move out of my season of life. I think this year is definitely one where I'm forced to learn to listen to God and determine if things are done by my strength, or God. Lots of it, I feel, are masked by God's strength, but yet when I look into my heart, I think I push my own strength through it in lots of ways.

I'm not sure whether it's okay to do this, or not. I'm not even certain that I'm listening with all my heart and not being blind to it simply because it's not something I want. Again, I think I'm too comfortable, and the struggle is so real and intense and immense that I just want to say no. For selfish reasons, for stupid reasons, for reasons that I think I should die to myself. But who knows, maybe these are just ways in which God tells me that I'm actually making right decisions.

Who knows, really. Who knows.

So I desperately plead with You, to guide me and lead me in Your way everlasting. I desperately plead with You, that You give me wisdom, strength, love and patience as I deal with multiple things. I desperately plead with You, that You do not cut me off from your vine in this time of need, but fill me instead with Your grace and hope that I can continue to delight in You and be seeking after Your heart. Help me, as I chase after Your heart and Yours alone. And help me fall for You, and fall into Your arms. That there and only there, I will be secure, rested and comforted.

This my plea and prayer today, this week.

Am only ever so thankful to have walked and served alongside you the past 2 weeks. I've learned much, been humbled much, seen much, and loved much.To be reminded and to remember that God makes all things beautiful in His time, and in His timing alone.

Thankful for the songs you sing, the laughter you bring, the words you echo. Thankful for your leadership and servanthood; thankful for your friendship and your relationship with Him.

To see you know when to lead, and when to step back. To see you walk with humility and love; to see your eagerness to serve. I think these are role models that I'll not forget in a long time to come. & I only ask that He will continue to mould me in His likeness and being like how He's moulding you.

And if it's Your will, then, show me clearly. Help me to ask knowing that if it is good, you'll give to me. And if it isn't, then you'll withhold it from me.

Help me not to lean on my own understanding, or wisdom, but to lean solely on You and You alone.

To many more together (hopefully)

It pricked my heart and it unfolded. And in that unfolding I could see myself spiralling downwards. But the kind words and faithful reminder to turn to Christ the great Counsellour pushed me back to reality and look instead at the postivies rather than the negatives.

It felt queasy after. It made me feel sick to my stomach for a while. And in that instant all I wanted to do was cry about it, but God is stronger, and greater. I hope I'm not pushing them back because I'm trying to be strong, but that they're being pushed back because there's something so much better and greater here and now that I have.

All their lives that seem so empty is only empty because they have not God. And my life that looks full is only full because I've got God. That's the only difference, honestly. Nothing else.. All the earthly possessions does not denote the emptiness of a person's life, or the lacking in something, but only the heavenly possession.

Your warmth fills me to the brim too. Thank you for the opportunity to serve alongside you. It feels like family, it really does. And I pray that we only ever have more opportunities to serve together, and to worship God forever.

All of the future looks a little uncertain. Not bleak, just uncertain.
yet I must push to remind myself that it's only when everything spins out of control that I know that You're fully in control. Seems ironic, but just a reminder that I'm incapable of holding everything, and it should not be this way.

Other than that, feelings are feelings, and thoughts are thoughts.

To God, obedience, trust, faith are what is most important.