Summer isn't exactly my favourite season (given that I curse everyday as I walk to Lakeside and get besieged by the sunlight) but since summer=holidays now yay summer. Gonna be working my ass off this summer because I want to earn as much as possible for exchange. Very much aware of the monetary cost of living overseas on my own for those few months. Nowadays when I open the fridge and take out an egg, I stare at the egg and think of how I will have to be the one buying that egg in Korea if I want to eat an egg, and not simply just open the fridge (am I even gonna have a fridge in Seoul) and voila many food. I think I have entered chronic overthinking mode and it's gonna worsen as exchange approaches. Good luck to me.

Hectic year 2 is over~ That went by so fast. Learnt many lessons both in the classroom as well as on the rough grounds of the multipurpose court. For example I have discovered that my feet are infinite times dirtier than my friends although we train on the same ground for the same period of time doing the same training, because I drag my feet. Enlightened. Year 3 is gonna be very different without the support of my LMS friends around during classes because we're gonna all be dispersed into different timezones. 

I know I should be very excited for exchange, which I am because I know it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity but I am also very aware that planting myself in Korea means taking myself away from Singapore. From all the daily ongoings in my house and my entire family's lives, the hustle and bustle of occurrences in NTU, basically everything I am used to right now. Then I realised that this is the very reality for my friends who are studying overseas, except theirs is for 3 to 4 years while I'll merely be gone for 4 months or so. Gave me a new perspective on others really, I suppose that's not a bad takeaway. I hope that nothing will change much when I am away but something definitely will change I guess. I KNOW for sure something in Jurong East will definitely be different during the period when I'm in Seoul. Cause the rate of development there is just bonkers. People will probably tell me to stay in Seoul and count down to the new year, which may probably be something exciting but to be honest I don't even feel excited about counting down when I'm in SG. Maybe cause I am old and grouchy and Mediacorp countdown programmes suck. It's just another day but you have to change calendars. I was thinking of coming back before the year ends since it's SG50 and I feel like I should bade this year of significance goodbye physically being in Singapore. Perhaps also because I am old and getting more patriotic because I am learning to treasure the things I took for granted, being a Singaporean living in Singapore.

I will be worried about my family for sure. My amah's dementia is eating at her everyday and age is taking a toll on her physically. A combination of severe PMS moodiness and fear made me cry myself so badly to sleep the other day. I have a very overactive imagination so I started thinking about everything starting from long ago when she was taking care of me as a puny, annoying thing to how she's like now, legs too weak to walk without support and basically slumped in a chair everyday for every second that she's awake. Rational me knows that this is part of the cycle of life and Buddhism says I must learn to accept it but it is still hard. So I can only hope she feels better because she has the right care and dedication from her maid and my aunt (who should get some filial piety award, government are you listening). I was so possessed by crying, you know how usually when you cry you can still clear your nose without problem? My whole nasal cavity was choked shut so I couldn't even clear my nose to breathe. I had to use my mouth. I've never been so overwhelmed, mind you. PMS is a scary, scary bitch. I ended up waking up with eyelids so swollen I looked like someone punched me and eyeballs drier than the Sahara desert. If -_- are my normal lids, my lids that day looked like this =_=. Plus I had an interview in the afternoon. Do not overthink and start to silently cry yourself to sleep during PMS, kids, it has very embarassing and also painful consequences T.T

Hmn my blog layout resembles some ancient relic but I'll probably just leave it there. The politically correct reason would be to say that ooh I wanna preserve the feel of secondary school and make it seem like a time machine where it feels like 2008 all over again. The correct reason is simply because I just can't be bothered and I'm just gonna keep the status quo because it's simply not an issue of concern anymore, I have other things to waste my time on (why are you still reading Blogger, get a life man it's not 2007 anymore). Might use this place to chronicle my adventures at Sungkyunkwan University and life in Seoul next semester though, keeping a diary seems like a good idea to preserve memories so I can revisit them next time. Toodles~

Nyahyahyahya in case you rely on this dusty relic for verification of my existence, yes I am still alive and obviously we are not of particular relevance to each other's lives.

2014 is gone! I can't believe it. Now the year 2000 is actually 15 years ago. Which makes my kindergarten life very far from me although it doesn't feel that way. But anyway... 2014 was an immense year for me. Experienced much personal growth through taekwondo, not just taekwondo-related matter but life principles and lessons in general. It is truly not just a martial art but a way of life. Not trying to go all Bruce Lee on you or whatever. It's my earnest opinion. And although I still feel like I am very sheltered and dependant on others, at least I am acutely aware of it this year. I genuinely learnt to open my eyes to the little things around me and appreciate each day and all its miniscule bits, from being able to open my eyes in peace when I wake up to having enough(actually too much) food to eat for every single meal and all the hunger pangs in between. With all the tragedies that occurred in 2014, I am truly grateful for the life I have, imperfections and all. Also I should probably go to the temple more.

University has been more than kind to me. For most people, it's wandering about on your own, taking different classes with unfamiliar faces every semester, mealtimes on your own and hi-bye friends. I'm lucky to be in a small major with a close group of friends that I can still attend classes with, even though this will reduce drastically next semester onwards because we no longer have any more core modules to clear together, but I am still grateful for the friendship and times I've spent with them because how else could I have survived this far? Although I don't stay in hall, I still managed to find incredible friendships that will last me through these four years and probably beyond as well, because TKD is just this family that makes you feel welcomed and a part of something. It's not just the training, the sweat, and the broken skin from the rough surface of the multi-purpose court, it's the bonds that we form through all these things. It is because I feel so fervently for this group that I tend to get offended by those who don't take the club seriously, aka don't show up for training or skive off. I've been trying to remind myself that others don't see things the way I do(something I've been reminding myself about in all aspects of life) and if they see it merely as a form of exercise, it is understandable that they don't have interest because exercise is not for everyone. I should know, I hate moving. What I've taken away from the past one year and 4 months with these precious people in this club is invaluable beyond measure and I cannot wait to learn and grow more with all these people. Another thing I've learnt from spending my Tuesday and Friday nights with them is that when you learn, you also teach. So I try and learn whatever I can because I want to be able to impart knowledge to newer members and help them grow. I may not be the best teacher, I still have many, many things to learn, including HOW to teach, but I remind myself to make a conscientous effort to observe others around me and learn from them. Being in university has made me humbler and reflect on how I was in the past. I wasn't a villain or anything, but there were many things I cringe at now.The intrinsic growth that being in university has taught me outweighs the academic progress, which is there(hey I pulled my meagre-by-my-standards GPA up by 0.02 this sem weee) but probably not as important as transitioning from a childish being to a more responsible human, and it's all these things money can't buy that funnily enough makes my tuition fee somewhat justifiable -.-

This year I hope to be less judgemental and generally be nicer to people around me. Which means I need to cut down on the complaining and ranting about ERRTHING in life. And stop throwing that person the evil death glare whenever he appears during training just because I don't like him due to a disorder that is probably beyond his control. So I need to remind myself that I coexist with other people and beings in this world(sadly) and be kinder to everyone(in my own way) despite my evil, dark persona bestowed upon me at birth. That does not involved smiling all the time though because my default sour expression is not something I can control. I will just strive to not scare people to death by looking at them. Does that make me a Basilisk ._.

I used to be nonchalant about all those "inspirational" quotes and messages whatsoever because they just seemed like pretentious bullcrap to me. Some of them probably still are but now I've slowly come to believe in them. If I can feel the earnesty behind the message, then it'll probably register better. 2015 will be a year of more personal growth!! And also more sleep/earlier bedtimes zzz.

First day of university tomorrow. Hmn not sure how I should be feeling. Last lap of the education system(I think) so yay or yay that I even got into one. New environment, new people, new culture, need to adapt all over again. I don't feel quite prepared but I probably won't ever feel prepared enough. I'll just have to take it as it comes. Hopefully this time I'll be more weed-like and not like the first few months of junior college. Tomorrow is only welcome talks so it's not technically the start of school but anyway... I'm gonna keep fangirling over Exo though, sorry mum ^^ Not quite ready to break my routine of dullness and inactivity but oh well here it comes. Hope this goes well FIGHTING (ง •̀_•́)ง

Whoever said the older we get the more problems we have is right(Did anyone even say that? Well never mind it is true anyway). Not that I have a trouble-plagued life or anything, I'm quite lucky and consider myself blessed actually. It's just that life has seemed to accelerate these few years after secondary school and so much has changed amongst my peers and myself that I just wish it would slow down. I know we can't go back to our secondary school days where most of us were still relatively(Relatively.) naive and innocent but I can still hope. Seeing everyone around gain more liberties and therefore more what I'd consider unhealthy habits makes me feel like I am sometimes one of the only ones left who are still 'normal', 'normal' being what others might see as mundane and dull but I'm fine with that cause that's what suits me. I hardly even come here anymore, actually I don't come here anymore cause I lost the habit of expressing my thoughts somwhere, but that doesn't mean I don't have opinions. With each passing day I develop more and more opinions about the world and about the people I know (and often those I don't) and it just seems as though life is entering beast mode gradually. I may seem to be exaggerating cause what lies ahead is even more daunting and I have just finished formal schooling who am I to say life is hard. Maybe it's just my naturally pessimistic personality to always look on the dark side and look for faults. Growing up is scary and that's why I don't wanna grow up. I don't want to see people I know pick up unhealthy lifestyle habits and I don't want us to change so much. People say change is necessary but I'm just resistant. It'll come whether I like it or not so for now I'll just not like it. Do I sound depressed? I'm not, just increasingly frustrated and getting bleaker about life unless something massive comes along and changes my mindset.

Daddy says it's okay as long as you've tried your best but the world's not like my father, no one cares if it's your best they only want the best. Otherwise you can go rot in the pile of society or be resigned to being ordinary, neither of which I aspire to be. I should be studying but I always find it so pointless that my life is being determined by a laminated certificate. Junior college has really made my view on life so bleak. I always feel this immense cloud of doom and failure hanging above my head whether I try or not. Which is not exactly the best mood to be in when you're trying to just survive the education system and emerge with decent grades to move on with life and not be stuck or have to repeat going through the unbearable system. I'm getting hit by such pangs of distress again because of block test 2 results primarily, chem and math passed so hurray I finally improved on subjects I've been struggling with but lit and GP have gone down to my immense disappointment and econs I failed but econs is one subject I abhor and chide myself everyday for having taken something I'm not suited for so I can only attribute it to me not having studied and not having the right attitude in facing it. I should go and rewrite that block test lit essay in a hopefully not futile and not vain effort to improve my grades so I can go to university and hopefully get to go overseas to study with a scholarship although everything is way too far from my grip now.

Yes tragedy befell me(read title). I must buy Nic Lui Gongcha someday because he is potentially saving my life by lending me his GC until the end of A levels. Thank you angel. I am unworthy T_T

Hah crapsticks I haven't touched this place in months. Aiyah who has time/mood to blog nowadays. Everyday school school school, work work work too sian already. Anyway today was the first paper of block tests 2, lit paper 1. Nice way to start off my last ever June holidays (which will be spent productively studying I hope, not like I have a choice). Paper was horrible in my opinion, the poems were hard and I forgot to write that it was part a, I think I'm gonna be penalised D: Worst part is probably having to hear Miss Heng nag. I've had enough of four times of nagging a week. Argh my ears. I'm certain she's surrounded by this bubble of negativity 98% of her time. The class trooped off to Burger Shack to have lunch after the paper. It's my second time there and I really don't think I'll go back unless necessary, the food's really not matching the price. And I am severely broke.

Oh well I hope the rest of blocks will be manageable, gotta study hard though. Cause this round of studying won't be just for blocks anymore, I won't have time to redo everything after blocks cause it's only one month to prelims and then blah blah A levels. Not looking forward to it cause a) it's A levels for heaven's sake and b)I'll have to part with 11S66 :( I'm gonna get depressed thinking about that so lalala gonna leave it aside for now.

Still directionless and goalless and I don't even wanna start thinking about applying to what scholarships and what US UK universities cause guess what? I HAVE NO MONEY. Even my mum told me that. And I don't think my portfolio or lack thereof will get me a scholarship even if they ask for just 11 AUs which is what I have. So probably no UCL, no UCLA or UC whatever. Stuck with NUS or NTU if I can make it. IF. Big if. Tmd how did life turn out this way. Grumble grumble grumble. I just watched Glee and I think the characters are going through exactly what my batch is going through now. The crossroads of life. Having to graduate from high school or JC in our case. Rachel Berry's dreams just got crushed cause she messed up her Don't Rain On My Parade which she's been singing since she was 2. So thanks a lot, very optimistic. And Puck can't graduate cause he failed his European Geography test. I'M SO OPTIMISTIC FOR MY FUTURE NOW. I'M GONNA GET STRAIGHT As AND GO TO OXFORD. In another life pui.

I should just find a corner and shrivel.

Favorite line from Holes Inside, good song by Joe Brooks. Describes my ambitions :/

So I turned 18. Strangely one of the more mundane and boring birthdays for a milestone age.Had Seoul Garden lunch on Thursday with S66 to celebrate beforehand and I really didn't expect the cake haha. Actual day was uneventful though. Tuition in the morning which left me zapped for the whole day cause I couldn't sleep but woke up at 7. Them I came home to slowly eat lunch and ended up falling asleep near the sofa. Bam whole day gone. After dinner I still had no mood to study though it's pretty urgent and now I'm just trying to absorb econs for my doomed paper on Monday though I would rather be doing Maths. Really wonder why I've to spend my youth like this. I didn't even feel depressed that I'm turning older as I usually would or feel excited that I can legally watch Black Swan now. Wonder if this is what life has turned me into, an inefficient studying machine that feels nothing.

Wish I had intelligence. Courage to break from the oppressive system that says a couple of alphabets determine your worth and calls your artistic dreams unrealistic. MONEY to do aforementioned shit. Sleep. Luck. Brains. Unprecedented talent in some area of interest that the world can't live without. Creativity to translate my imagination. Also I would like
to stop overthinking everything because it's driving me nuts and I'm sure will lead to my fall someday.

Though I'm grateful to be living in Singapore, it is NOT GOOD FOR THE CREATIVE SOUL. What's one gotta do to live their lives the way they want to and not follow predetermined paths people expect them to follow in this town.