Live Like We're Dying

Lately, I've been an ass. Okay maybe not lately, for quite awhile now I guess. But I really need people to understand, to see from my pov. It's not easy to be me, not at all. It's never easy to accommodate every single person, neither juggling between everyone. It just felt like whenever I decided on something, someone will eventually get disappointed. Plans can never ever be perfect, never. And one thing I hate in life is that something gets in the way of my plans. I'm totally disliking for who I am now, why do people change? How did it even happen anyway? It's just shit. I just hope that I can stop hurting people, stop caring less in every but to give a damn in at the least.

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So It's yet another start of a new year, 2013. Hasn't been a really great start be because I'd just lost someone dearly. Nevertheless, this isn't gonna bring the year down because I myself had promised to have a fruitful year ahead which so far has been doing rather well.

 

I have no idea since when I'd became so observative on actions and words of people. It's funny how people lose their roots along the way and tend to swerve with the people around them. After awhile it seemed like you don't even know them at all. Yes, It's rather disappointing but there's nothing I can do either. Can't always expect the equal amount in return right? There are only so many people you can totally count on, seriously. Understatements and under-estimations everywhere, you just have to learn to catch onto the correct one. One thing about me is don't ever ever spike me about anything that is within my reach. Trust me, I do care and I will have whatever to be done in your face.

 

I often question myself, am I too bounded within the comfort zone? Or is it that I'm unwilling to step out of it? I hated the idea of letting down people or being letdown. It seemed like I'm always lacking behind somehow, mentally wise. It's like I'm not totally prepared to be exposed to be reality yet. Awful truth is, I'm aging every year but my mind isnt, well at least some part of it.

 

Again, life's never fair ain't it? I've always constantly trying to perfect myself but it always turns out that I'm actually just worsening all the imperfections. My frequent question to God is, why is it that some people don't even need to try and they turn out well? But those that tried so hard often don't turn out to have whatever they wanted? Why the unfairness? Why does all the fucked up ones getting all the thumbs up? People often tells me to have some patience but I've waited long enough for my patience to run out eventually. It's just a big question mark that can never be changed.

 

Life. 2013. Question mark remains

Greetings from Aussie! Been here for the past 11 days and still trying to adapt to the lifestyle. Life here's so mundane, slow paced and dead which gave me the extra time to think through lotsa things. Been so busy with the same old shit everyday doing the same thing over and over again, so sick and tired. Out in the field with extreme weathers just almost got my life there, then first thing that pops in your mind, Home. Sleep and acne has became one of the biggest problem and burden that I'd encountered in my life so far. Seriously people might think "Hahaha, wtf. Seriously?"  but to me a smallest thing might be a biggest thing to me. Worries after worries, thoughts after thoughts, maybe there are too many "perfectionists" that revolves around in my life that I sometimes i wanted things just to be as perfect for myself too.

Another month to go being stranded here, luckily one good point about myself is having high tolerance and determination level. Haven't been myself lately for awhile now, I'm lost once again. Maybe it's just part of growing up that you'll start to think, so much that i can't even handle myself at times. My mind is just a total scumbag i guess. In search of my own roots.

Anyways gonna be busy for the coming weeks again, finally managed to get some breather today to update this space. Weather's a bitch here, cost of living here is undoubtedly high too, standard of living here... Guess no one would wanna know. Gonna be out in the field again soon for numourous times again, guess I'm just born with a slave's life. Alright good day mate!

Just woke up upon a call from my superior regarding some very last minute duty to do. And then, it was my breaking point. Few days back I was still having my mental breakdown upon how fucked up life has been for me in here and how shitty things could turn out. It's something that I can't bring myself to just suck thumb and live with it. It's not like I never tried before, I used to be so up for anything to give in almost everything to make things work but let's be honest, everyone in here are selfish, in fact all human beings. Who will even give a shit about you? I'm just around to cover my own sorry ass from anything extra duties or responsibilities. I just hate how things were being done in here; people were forced to live with people you dislike, informations were never affirmed, people were taught to be selfish and inflexible, all these bullshit and we were forced to live with it. What happened to being a free thinking country?

I just don't get how some people could just get the best out of everything every single time while some others just always don't have the luck. I can easily swear that I don't do anything bad in life neither did I sin as much as some others do? In fact, I prayed every single day. Again, efforts were not being seen. It's been awhile since I could just close my eyes and shut off the world or waking up feeling that it's gonna be a great day, I've missed those days. I'm losing sleep every single day and it seemed like I'm losing someone everyday too. Does the problem lie on myself or it's just the fact that people does change everyday? I used to thought that I could understand someone easily but looks like I'm wrong, everyone are more complicated than I thought I knew.

I'm starting to lose faith in people, in things, in life. Everyone just need you for a purpose, remember that. Yes I'm just negative, so be it. Do you think I don't wanna start being positive again? I can't, just can't. Whenever I thought, this is it, from this moment on things gonna change. Then an obstacle would just come and tada, I'm back to the rock bottom. Whatever it is, the cruel fact is that after all these rants, live goes on. People who are better off in life is going to getter happier while people who are not will gonna suffer more.

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Last bookout really made me thought abit again. It felt like one of those bookouts I had during my BMT days, those bookouts which you would really extra cherish so much. Yeah that's the power of outfields I could say.

Booked out really really late last Friday, had dinner and only to reach home after midnight. Managed to catch up with Mum and Dad abit while they shared about their trip to Cambodia. Sis and Gab were there too and I looked upon that sight, I can never forget this picture. Us, a family, gathered in a room and talked and laughed, it just felt so warmth and comforting. At that point of time how I really wished time could just stop, everything just stops at that picture perfect moment... Its seriously something you can definitely not find in army nor out in the normal life. Humans tend to swerve too rapidly, so fast that I myself don't even know that I'm already off tracks. Yes, its scary therefore you'll need nudges like these to keep you back on track.
I want to be someone that could be there for anyone, to be the bestfriend of everyone, to be the most filial child of my parents, but the amount of time I have doesn't seem to allow. It's so hard to juggle around at times that I find myself struggling so much. Sleeping problem was healed for awhile initially but looks like it has never healed before now. Getting from bad to worse, losing sleep during outfield; worse feeling ever, literal death I could say.

Right now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed for the upcoming week ahead and definitely looking forward to finish this shit off and resume my normal life. No wait, I meant army life, normal life could only happen in dreams now which kinda hard to happen for an insomaic, therefore I'm back to this shitty loop.

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It's so hard to balance yourself between Work, Family and Friends. Sometimes i just felt really suffocated, or even groups of friends alone is already a hard balancing point. And in the end, drastic changes are the most scariest part of life. Had examples from some friends of mine whom I met up with recently after going missing for a long time. To him he might think that he has changed for good, but to us the change is just way too much. To me, when we're in our 20s to 30s and if we still don't start to live a life out of it, it's gonna be too late. I mean seriously, not now then when? By the time you would already have settled down in life and when things started to get serious, its too late...

Things just always don't go as how you want it to be does it? Never satisfied, ever. 

Waddup guys! So half of 2012 is over now and yet another half to go. 11 months in service now, time flies? No, not when you're in camp... Some updates upon recent event, I'm officially Twenty-One. Yes, another milestone in life towards the future. People always asked, "So, 21 now, what's next? What do you have in mind for your future?" and years ahead that I could thought of flashed through my mind but the only goal I have now is just to finish my service and then to start decide what i really want. Is it practical to say that i wanna be a Surgical Surgeon now when i'm actually IT/Business trained? I'm afraid not so but that's something that i really wanted to be... Life can never give you what you want though. 


( First step to 21Collapse )


 So i guess it's more "Army-time" now. Devoting my life fully for it for yet another year to go... July, more to come.

也许...
我并不是那么失败

也许...
再苦的生活中还是会有甜美的时刻

也许...
甜美的时刻我不需要等别人给我,
我能自己去创造

也许...
这世界上没有不可能的事,
没有过不去的关

也许...

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What a day. A day filled with different emotions. Lethargic-anxious-relieved/not relieved?-mundane and helpless as always. Why? Why can't I just get the best outta life for like once? Why do I always get the worst outta it? I know my bestfriend's gonna say it depends on how you look at it but from any perspective I'd looked at it, life hasn't been treating me at its best. I always claims that I know but the actual fact is that I don't know anything at all, I never learn that's the problem. When I was at the hospital today, I actually pity some of the patients there while looking at myself, so pathetic. But its for the best I'd always told myself, if I'm not gonna do this nobody would actually be the "me-pitying-the-others". 2 years of my life and its slowly sucking out the best of me, I'm so sick of it. As much as I hate myself for ranting so much like a pussy, I really have no idea what else I could do. I'm always the kind of "looking-into-the-past" kinda person which I hated myself of it but sometimes its just inevitable. Grass of the other side is always greener right? Slowly, gradually losing faith. What have I became? Who will I become?

NTS: I really have to stop torturing myself through all these.

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Just had a great day out with my favorite group of people. Weather wasn't giving any bit of chance, although it's cloudy for the whole day but it's still very humid. As much as I thought i would be able to enjoy my day the amount of thoughts and "fear" had already covered up my mood and emotions. Why is it so hard just to let go of everything and just to enjoy the day? I really hated this feeling. People say you'll be able to get used to it and get over it after sometimes but clearly it hasn't been working well for me. This is not the type of life i want. I used to be so much more cheerful, so much more active but somehow army has took them away from me, even my bestfriend told me so too. 

Somehow i just won't be able to enjoy my days like how i used to. This sucks. Hope that the next meetup with them I'll be able to make up to my adsent-mind today. Tomorrow's gonna be yet another new start of the week and they've already warned us that this week's gonna be hell. One thing i hate is that they always love to give the worst heads-up but the best were never told to us. Seriously what's wrong with just being a little more positive? Tomorrow's "d-day" too i could say, how are things gonna turn out? I'm pray for the best...