| Dazed & Dazed |
[Oct. 9th, 2009|01:26 am]
thepoprally
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i have always not been the type to eat well. i mean, i like food but i don't love it. sometimes i don't eat because i'm lazy.. not because i want to lose weight or whatever because obviously i am not fat. and sometimes, a lot of "eaters" can't believe me when i say it, i will forget to eat. for some people when there's the hunger feeling they'll go and search for food right away but i'm so used to the hunger that my brain and body doesn't compute anymore to look for food so i just ignore it so i will forget to eat. and i normally just have one meal per day... which is normally dinner and just drink or smoke throughout the day. so healthy.
so a few days ago i got gastric. a mild version. self-diagnosed but i know what it is because i've had it before.
my diet is fine for me at the moment but i know it's gonna be peril for my future health and from what i've felt these last few days. i'm not gonna like it. so i've taken the conscious effort to eat healthier, smoke less and buy vitamins in hoping my body will like me again. i donno why i just wrote that but i just felt like it. so many people live in the moment, which is good but i think after a certain age, seriously it's all about the future. i guess i'm using food her because it relates to more people rather than if i talked about cigarettes or drugs or drinking.
so there you go.
ive been so lazy at uni. i havent been for soooo long. and its shit because i dont want to fail any subjects because i havent been failing so if i do right this sem i will graduate and be free and start work etc and then move and do whatever it is i want/wish to do. it's coming so close.. if everything goes to plan university and studying life for me will end in 2 months. FOREVER. can you imagine? i can still remember finishing high school. i thought i'd never miss high school but fuck i miss high school. and there is this part of me that kinda wants to fail a subject or 2 this semester so i can stay at uni for at least another semester because im not ready to make these life-changing, adult, major choices and decisions yet. is this wrong? i think all i'll do is my best throughout this sem and during the finals and whatever happens, happens, i'll be relieved both ways. fail or pass.
i know from the start we've established that this is nothing more than what it is. and we're both not looking for anything at the moment. we're both too young to be tied down and these are the days and years to be free. but no matter how many people i've been with or am around i'll go back to thinking about you. and i can't wait to see you next and i know you feel the same way too because you've said it. and i like what i see in your eyes when you're looking at me. no one else feels the same or tastes the same. and of course even smells the same. it is so funny because i'm into all this expensive designer scents and the one you wear is the most common one out there yet it's all i look out for and look forward to smelling. and youve made me realise how great and amazing it is to wake up next to someone in the morning or even go to bed with someone at night and have someone to put my arms around in the middle of the night when i can't sleep. so it is what it is and i really dont want anything else to happen because im not good with relationships and i like you too much to be in a relationship with if that makes sense. whatever happens, happens. it is what it is. even though i'm up for the opposite, the last thing i want right now is to fall for someone. what's going on at the moment is fine and good for me and you and im just writing all this here to get it off my chest. and it sucks that youre always busy and im always busy and you live so far away. but i know the next time we'll meet.. it will be too good. even better than before. |
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