For a minute, I thought all my emotions were wiped out in history given that livejournal had underwent quite a bit of facelift across the years that I have not been blogging.

It's quite a discovery, to re-enter this space and realise that I could even use the old format to write this post.

I have grown so much as a person and now, even upgraded my status to a wife and a mother. I realised that this avenue allowed me to look inside my feelings and have an outlet where I could share annoymously about the thoughts that run through my mind. I'm glad. I do oddly recall that there's another livejournal account, but I can't quite remember the name of it anymore. So that's that.

Anyways, married to Hong was a true challenge. I do applaud myself for having to go through all the trials and tribulation of what a marriage encompass. I think my nature of shoving and blocking off the memory is pretty good. That it has taken effect on my day-to-day life where I don't really remember.

Actually, I'm just putting this post in, to know that I have revisited this space because I wanted to chronologue some things that have happened.

I am currently at this spot where I can't figure out where I shoud be exploring or be moving forward. Turning 32 in just 6 months is oddly scary and yet a big reminder that time is catching up and I shouldn't be wasting my time making hesitating about decisions that don't come by and afraid of taking a big steps.

Work wise, I'm pretty pleased with what has been given to me, though many times, I still feel that my voice is unheard. Which is extremely frustrating as I always think I'm an idealist. So with social media, I have shifted to become a content-creator for my work, which really allow me to explore the creative and spontaenous side of my life (that i truly appreciate though). However, work is starting to become mundane, and I'm wondering if it is the work that is boring or would it be my work? I remember reading this liner (sic: not too long ago), that sometimes, its not the job that's boring, its because you stop learning that it feels boring. Like maybe that kinda applies to me. but i'm also at that stage where I think that I do not really need any further upgrades. Even if I do, I don't think I would have the discipline to go through the entire ordeal plus raising a child.

Obvoiusly that's an excuse, and to a certain extent I am coming to terms with it. But seriously, I don't know where I want to go. Now, money outweighs everything in life.

My relationship have not been a smooth sailing event, especially with him being in debt for a really long time and now in a state of no recovery. There are many times that I have cried myself to bed in the past because of how stressed up I had felt and how I felt like there was no one who could understand what I had went through or what I had to do, to be where I am today. And its that disappointing that the person who sleeps with me, doesn't comprehend or take the time to. But all is for the better now, though I am still cautious. Being cautious also make me wonder if I am in it for comfort, for fear, or for the fact that I still am in love.

There is, still a certain extent, but this love has evolved so much that I feel that at time, I forget to consider his feelings and I try my best not to belittle him, or make a joke out of his past, so that he doesn't feel depressed. But at the same time, its tough to move pass the sadness. That's right, it is tough to move pass. Because I feel like there was no acknowledgement that - yes it is a tough period, yes andrea you did it. I think I fail to give myself the assurance or that acknowledgement that this is indeed tough and how I have survived it through, trying to keep my head above the water.

Sigh, life is really different now. Days I wished I could become younger again, redo everything again so that I won't have to go through this at all. But a challenge, will always be a challenge and you can only take it a day at a day to charge forward.

There's nothing to regret. But if there's one thing I can change, I wouldn't want to land myself in the current situation that I am. Oh boy, this is getting emotional.

Ok bye.

Overview

You're still riding high as lucky Jupiter continues his generous tour through your stars in 2014. Maximize this amazing good fortune for the first six months of the year before Jupiter moves on to your neighboring sign of Leo in July. Don't fear that all of your luck will run dry when Jupiter leaves Cancer. The good news is that starting in July you'll have the benefit of the big planet working on your money house for a year. If you've been waiting for a windfall in your finances, watch how drastically your money situation improves starting this summer. Your confidence has been on the rise since last year, and the increase in self-esteem is about to pay off in myriad ways, Cancer. Yes, you've officially come out of your shell and now you're in high demand, baby!

The focus on intense relationship karma continues in 2014, Cancer. At this point you're probably feeling like you've had enough drama to last an entire lifetime. Saturn and Pluto are still working hard on your love and partnership zones respectively over the next year, asking you to commit to working on your own psychological issues while working on the relationship. The two are mutually independent now. You're realizing that you can no longer simply afford to blame the other if you're not happy with the state of the relationship.

Furthermore, after learning some very challenging lessons about navigating power dynamics, you're feeling more humbled and clear about your own personal boundaries. Integrity has and will continue to be a major theme for the long haul, so consider yourself a divine work-in-progress. More and more you're seeing how important it is for you to author your own life and live by the rules that you set for yourself rather than judgments and expectations of others. You're starting to really master the subtle workings of knowing your limits and asking for what you need without sounding needy. First, you're getting clear about who you are and what is essential to make your life flourish. And then second, you're learning how to ask directly and clearly for exactly that. No more whining or beating around the bush, Cancer. You're too good for that!

Your love life is a major focus again this year, with two of the heavyweight planets working for your relationship cause. Pluto and Saturn are demanding deep commitment and integrity. This is not a time to date lightly, Cancer. If you've been struggling with the whole question of long-term versus short-term viability, this is the time to think duration. It's been a hard road of having to face your own shadow in relationships. Everything that irritates you about your beloved is pointing a glaring mirror right in your own face. Although this may feel highly painful during the process, trust that it's so worth the potential for insight and wisdom about yourself. The reason you're able to endure such an intense confrontation with yourself and your own demons now is that you've got the power of love on your side. Are you ready to explore every nook and cranny of your personality and what others trigger in you? Of course you are!

Finding harmony and peace of mind in your relationships (especially with family members) will require the majority of your attention and energy in 2014. The North Node of Fate shifts into the sign of beauty and balance early in the year, urging you to focus on where you need more equilibrium in your life. Of course this will require tempering some extremes, but the graceful flow that follows is worth it. If there are any hidden selfish tendencies that have a way of destroying the beauty of your connections, this is the year to weed them out and learn the art of compromise. You have a tendency to be the emotional caretaker in your family, but this year you're being asked to work on balancing that out by taking better care of yourself. It might feel selfish at first, but you'll soon realize this actually allows you to have more to give. Establishing clear and firm boundaries with those who might take advantage of your emotional generosity is another important lesson of the year. Every relationship and love lesson will be a profound opportunity to come home to yourself this year, Cancer. That's what it's all about for you in 2014: One big homecoming!

Career

Your worldly life and professional dreams should still feel incredibly blessed in 2014. Having the support of Jupiter in your stars backing your biggest hopes and dreams isn't shabby. You'll be working that influence most strongly during the first half of the year right up to your birthday until the big guy moves on to your money zone in July. At that point, you'll be moving the focus from building your self-esteem and public image to dreaming about how to double, if not triple, your earning potential. Jupiter brought much wisdom about polishing your personal image and working your brand, and now you're ready to cash in on all of that knowledge.

You may be experiencing a bit of an inner tug of war as the Nodes of Fate pull between your domestic and career zones. The domestic loving side of your nature is fighting with the ambitious side. The North Node in Libra at the base of your horoscope is asking to spend more time with yourself in the quest for more balance. The South Node in your career zone may be vying for more of your efforts towards pushing your goals to the next level. If you take care of yourself, your family and strive toward greater overall balance, your career will automatically flourish as a result. This is easier said than done, of course, but if anyone can find a way to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, it's you, Moon child!

Continue to be highly selective in your choice of colleagues this year, Cancer. If you're going to be investing your hard energy, heart and trust, then you have to be sure to put your potential ally to the test. Do you share the same values? Can you trust their integrity? Do they have a proven track record? Does your association with this person lift you up or would you be compromising your image by working with them? These are the kinds of questions to ask yourself over the duration of 2014, especially before committing to any long-term commitments.

You know, it is always easy for someone from a third party angle, to tell you what is going on in your situation than yourself who is stuck in that horizon only?

Likewise, when someone who has lost someone they have love, tells you to cherish the people around you on a daily basis. Such a simple task for us to do is ironically constantly being forgotten as time passes. It is incredible upsetting when you find out that people are not carrying out this task in their life.

A recent loss of an acquaintance that I have met through my boyfriend has motivated me to write this entry here. Thought it would be more appropriate as I would not need to write from an angle where my words are "controlled" in a way. Somehow, whenever I write on VLV, I feel like I have to be very careful with my words, so that I wont harm or hurt or mislead anyone into wrongdoings.

Sigh, there is so many things to be grateful for. Sometimes I just wish, my brain was shared with others, especially the part where safety is a concern. I'm not sure about the many people out there, but for me, even when I'm crossing a non-pedestrian road, my heart pumps like mad, cause I won't know whether a car would dash out of nowhere, and my life would be taken.

Life is vulnerable.

We would treasure, we should cherish. Another passing, should always be a lesson how we should be grateful that we are living, breathing healthy. Whatever that is within our control, we should try our best to make the best out of it. We all should.

I hope we all do. Life is really, too vulnerable.

Take great care everyone!