好久好久没有写东西了。

大概看了之前写过的东西。发现。原来从2013年10月开始，又或者更早的时候，就已经沉溺在这样的感觉里。每天每天，都像行尸走肉般。转眼间，已经一年半了。原来人，真的可以这样，没有灵魂地生存着。

忘了我上一次真正的开怀大笑是什么时候了。也忘了我最后一次在早上起来时，会对接下来的一天充满期待。更忘了我最后一次感觉活着，是什么时候的事。

今天和她聊起。她跟我说，人生需要的三脚架，是家庭、工作、朋友。这是一个新的perspective。突然觉得自己不管在哪一支架方面，都好像格格不入。

我开始害怕了。

这个星期内，差点遇到两起车祸。第一起，如果没有及时紧急煞车，后果应该会极其严重。虽然当下的感觉有点吓到，但是我发现，我对这个世界，确实没什么留恋。

我真的应该害怕了。

对生命没有幻想，没有期待，每一天，只剩呼吸。

这就是现在的我。

我真的没有很强的心理建设。

不懂得爱自己，又没有勇气爱生命的人，怎么去爱别人？

好空虚，好累，好累。。。

Tonight I really just want to give thanks to great friends who keep me sane.

I left LJ off at the first day I arrived in Ghana, because I decided that a pen-and-paper diary would be much easier to upkeep. True enough, I dedicated to writing something every day. So just to let you know I didn't give up!

I'm back, finally. Back to the familiarity of London, back to proper roads and relatively safe transport. Back to urbanization and a developed world. Back to my laptop. 

I'm supposed to be happy, really. And I do think I am. The 6 weeks have been fulfilling and eye-opening, and it was definitely an experience of a lifetime. I loved the team, and I loved the Ghanaians' passion for life. I thought that going with a team of people from different backgrounds will be a lot more challenging, but we got on so well and each of us had so much to contribute. We discussed issues and problems and worked things out like real adults. I really enjoyed how everything worked out. 

But back in the room, in the process of unpacking and trying to recall where I put everything before I left, I am faced with this cold hard truth that London is not my home anymore. 

London, or Ghana, I'm still living out of a suitcase. Albeit more comfortable.

It's so horrifying that I just spent the last 10 minutes trying to keep back my uncontrollable tears and failing miserably. I hate to admit that I can't cope with this. 

My insect bites have turned into sore open wounds that have refused to heal over the past 2 weeks. The washing machine isn't working well and I still have a load of laundry to do. My things are in a mess and I don't know how to organize them. My camera is broken and it takes "a couple of weeks" to get fixed, which could mean 2 or 4 weeks, which means I don't get to use it for my traveling and/or grad. And. I need to move out in a week. 

When I was in Ghana I had perfect reason to stay away from all these random issues. Also in a group I can't be whining about my problems all day. It's different when you know you have no choice but to accept things, and when you have to face the mess head-on.

Actually, it's really no big deal. Booked my hair appointment for Friday and I can't wait. Slowly, slowly, I will pick up the pieces and put my life back into shape. 

Arrival in Accra. Super thankful for a smooth flight and minimal luggage drama. 

This place is crazy!!! We walked into the city and immediately it was sensory overload. Cars honking, people shouting, loads and loads of movement, voices coming through from loudhailers, etc.etc. I couldn't take out my camera at all because I was busy taking in everything else with my limited input space. 

Tro-tros. I wonder who came up with this system. They are basically random vans that people drive along the road to pick passengers up. There is no fixed stop, no fixed route, just people shouting from the vans to say where they're going. It doesn't seem to be operated by any company either, because the vans come in all shapes and colours. There is no maximum number of passengers as long as they can squeeze the passengers on. BUT. It works! And for locals and tourists alike, it must be the most cost-efficient form of transport because it is like a quarter the price of taxis. 

We are heading to Nkoranza tomorrow by coach. It is an 8-hour journey, with a stopover at Kumasi. Definitely not looking forward to it and praying that I won't be too sick from the ride. 

Can't wait to get to Hand-in-Hand!

Right, so less than 48 hours to the flight, and for some reason (I hope not any major screwup with my tickets) I can't check in online?!

It's Ghana be awesome! :)

Stay tuned. 

The side effects of the Larium (or at least I think that's the case) has left me with a persistent nausea for the past 2 days, which has turned me into a complete grouch. I consistently feel like I want to throw up, and my head feels detached from my body as it wanders in circles. Well, I haven't had hallucinations.

Spent the past 2 days reading The Hunger Games, and this must be the most and quickest I've read since Enid Blyton days. Indeed, as friends have testified, the story is so gripping that I just can't wait to finish it. But I think finishing it too quickly has made me lose track of the story development, or at least, some of the details. This series has really brought me back into the days where I read so regularly, and it also reminded me of the joy of imagining scenes of what the story depicts. Guess that is how the movie came about. For fear that it would ruin my story, I haven't watched it yet.

3 days away from my departure to Turkey. I am really looking forward to this trip, but at the same time I know this is the mark that speeds up the rest of my summer. Very soon I'll be back, and headed for Ghana. And when I come back for Ghana, very soon I'll be headed for the family holiday. I actually feel like I might burn out. Planning a holiday is very stressful.

I was preparing some things for the Ghana trip, as I figured I wouldn't have much time after I come back from this leg. And somehow I got a little freaked out by the thought of this expedition. I have been on such trips before, but never in the capacity as an adult. The feeling and anticipation is very different from being taken care of and chaperoned as a student. I am excited at the thought of the things I could do there, and how it would really open my eyes to disability awareness in another side of the world. I know that we can't do much in a single trip, but all we have to do is plant a seed, so that others know to water it and keep it growing in the future. Baby steps. Isn't that what we're good at? But at the same time I get bouts of nervousness and fear. What if I'm not ready for what I am about to see? Who am I to deliver all these training packages? Why should they listen? I vividly remember the momentary disarmament and shock at the scene when I first entered the Home in Changsha. Will I be able to handle that again? What if I fail myself?

I believe I am well-supported by the team, whatever happens - I guess pre-trip jitters is not a new thing for me. Perhaps I'm just really tired out by all these thinking and planning that I have to do in between.

Whatever it is, I know I have to be thankful that my summer is filled with different waves of excitement and I'm not left around doing nothing. However things turn out, I know that I will definitely gain something out of my last ever summer break and go home with a greater satisfaction from life experiences.

This is unbecoming and unacceptable. I'm at the end of my undergraduate degree, faced head-on with my last, I repeat, last ever written exam, and yet I'm shrouded in a cloud of laziness and unexplained defiance of not wanting to focus or to study for this stupid final leg. 

Someone said to me that it's like running a marathon. You plough on and on and on and alas! you see the finishing line, then you start walking. Not that I really understand because I have never run a marathon and never will. 

I wish Tuesday would just come and BE DONE. I want to buy my new camera, go shopping, cut hair, watch musicals and do some major packing/spring cleaning. I want to do every other thing in the world but study, and not have to feel guilty about it!