. . .where you stop, nobody knows

An Eggy Ending to 2020

2021-01-01T21:33:00.004-08:00

One thing that has become strikingly evident while living with COVID this year is the profound impact of meditation and my spiritual journey, which I embarked on long ago. Without these practices, I would undoubtedly feel much more overwhelmed, akin to being like scrambled eggs. Right from the onset of the pandemic, I adapted to the new reality with ease, much like how I've learned to embrace the changes in my aging body. This newfound acceptance has brought about a stronger bond with my partner, resulting in less friction and greater freedom, as I've learned not to cling to expectations of things being different than they are in the present moment. Amidst the challenges, I managed to safely visit my family and even immersed myself in a 10-day Vipassana retreat, finding solace in solitary reflection. In a world where gyms were closed, my partner and I turned to hiking outdoors, exploring beautiful places. During one of these hikes, I stumbled upon a serendipitous discovery - a golden egg, seemingly placed there as if it were an artistic masterpiece hidden away from the beaten path. My near-death experience during this time served as a profound wake-up call, shaking me to my core and motivating me to make meaningful changes before my time on this planet comes to an end. Reflecting on my journey, I now realize that it involves reconnecting my consciousness with the universal consciousness, transcending the confines of my own self. Although this notion may sound abstract, the feeling is ineffable; it's akin to being enveloped in pure love, free from fear and the memories of emotional or physical pain. This transformation has had a profound impact on my decision-making process, especially in my relationship with my partner. The significance of this change was not entirely apparent in the past, but now I understand the importance of "eggs"amining what we have at this very moment. As a side note, the golden egg we found during our hike measured about 7" x 12", even larger than my head! Its discovery was a symbolic reminder of the preciousness of life's unexpected treasures.

With a New Mind comes New Mood

2020-03-23T18:50:00.002-07:00

I used to be pretty pessimistic, always finding what is wrong in the world. I would scan my surroundings, first finding what is wrong in virtually anything to make me feel better, even to the point of making it a strong point in my career. I learned this from my father who saw the unpleasantness in the world, making his feelings it into art. This never made him happy nor did it work for me. When I kept seeing well-adjusted people content with their lives, even under stress, coming out O.K. I pondered with a puzzled mind if those people were born under a golden moon. Longing, even at early age, for peace and acceptance with whatever comes, instead of taking everything as a personal attack.

So, finally wisdom arrived when I started to meditate many years ago, leading up to my current practice of two hours a day. Currently, with the virus pandemic, I will miss my yearly 30-day Vipassana. But, I can rest easy with all my sessions of NeuraSonic, that I have done in the past and now with his current downloads of easy one hour sessions… I can still peel deeper layers of traumas, some laid down recently with the chaos of the moment, stuck at home, wondering if there will ever be a normal world. With my new mind and an equanimous mood, I look at the beautiful clouds and sky produced by less pollution of cars and planes with wonder and those gentle waves of body chills start.

Healing the Root Cause of Your Misery ...First

2019-12-25T14:52:00.000-08:00

While my partner works hard at editing our photo memories of travel to make books, I wanted to talk about the importance of spiritual and emotional healing to allow your body to heal the best it can from anything. Be it a broken ankle, an abusive upbringing, or a brand-new cancer diagnosis. It's in my experience that the more the body/mind is fully open to heal to what ever comes your way, the more you heal in ways that are not always physical and more spiritual(not in any particular named faith). This complete holistic approach, facilitate to the most complete healing of what ails you and making it an ongoing affair...that is no-limits in time.
I went to a therapist after a job loss, one year after I bought my first house alone which brought up all kinds of things. Probably the second time of seeing and talking to the therapist, and reliving the strain of my alcoholic father as a child, who I also lost 2 years before the job loss, some small wisdom starting creeping in. This therapist is going to have to make me feel comfortable with change, either by crying it out or talking it out, but it is ultimately up to me to change. At first because my wisdom was very weak, what came up first was I will save money and just quit going to see her. I did not know how and I wasn’t cured or had less anger/sadness. Instead, I just plowed through life as best as I could until my near death and bi-lateral strokes which happened just three years after my job loss. After I started my own business to gain my control over my life I later found out that anything you “do” with any external circumstances, does not bring wisdom internally. I had a ton of traumas to deal with, and certainly no more than anyone else, but it was time.

One really has to dig deep to unveil what is your motivation with or during any change.

The payoff can be amazing with wisdom sometimes trickling in slowly even while the path to emotional and spiritual well-being can be quite long. My own path, small meditations and later after my first 10-day Vipassana, II could see I was not wise by any means... I did see the exposure of quite a bit of what I was holding on to and carrying around inside of myself. This led to my yearly holiday bronchitis attack that I usually suffered through … end just like that. The beginning of a meditation practice I had started after realizing that doing the same old things and expecting a different outcome was the definition of ignorance. I needed to change something and now, I had someone that it was important to keep. I saw after a year and half of practice I could see anger arising a few times, and get an extra second in time where I could decide or not whether to explode and figure out what would be a better outcome. This led me to wanting to pursue not healing my medical nightmare but instead healing what can be the root of what is holding me back from healing the body the best that I can. It can take many different methods to facilitate your spiritual and emotional healing and I am in no way saying mine is the best way, but it is an important key to healing this older body. Find the one that best suits your disposition. What do you really want besides healing? Happiness and mature growth, affecting all those around you making you a beacon?

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New Time to Learn… Again

2019-09-23T14:45:00.003-07:00

With my first bone break of my life, my ankle, I was able to use the new pain and discomfort to learn from. Within a few days after traveling home with it, I was already able to meditate with it propped up. Of course, mind moved to find the pain while scanning the body, but also I could forget it a few times. Since, I sit to meditate on the floor instead of a chair, sometimes the body weight would push too much on the leg, and I had to extend the one leg to continue. I noticed that evenings in bed when the mind is much more aware of the injured part which is typical, but when I would sit and eventually scan, it was busy enough for the pain not to be the sole focus. It was learning from where we put our attention, is what is important.

Along with all this my partner, used the wisdom he had from his poor village as to how they would take care of injuries like this. Which is ice for the first two days, but also introducing hot rags, or put in a bucket of warm water twice a day for day 3 onward. Sure warm water on a huge swollen ankle may seem contrary to western medicine, but it makes the blood flow to the injured part and made it heal faster and provided less pain after it’s out of the water.

I have a few things going for me when healing, I eat well, not overweight and don’t drink alcohol. In general, with the exception of my strokes I don’t have further health complications. Plus, this is where meditation can provide reality when you have pain and discomfort, by seeing it exactly as it is. Complications came into being, when too many people threw caution my way, making me question what I actually was seeing and feeling, which was a real gradual healing progression. When I heeded their warning and saw an Ortho Dr, about my ankle. He walked into the room looking at a two-week-old injury, and said the color is great. He then proceeds to move my foot and note that there is no abnormal movement in the ankle. And again, I should have only listened only those that touched my ankle, rather then listen to those that just conjectured.

The 4th 30-day Vipassana – Wisdom Creeps In

2019-05-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

Hardly a mature Vipassana student with my brain injury making concentration difficult for me, I can at least say they are some positive changes that I notice with wisdom more firmly seated. It is important for me to say this wisdom is NOT intellectual knowledge, but experiential and once seated impermanence of everything is apparent.

I am usually out walking a lot after meals or after mind storms, and even using the pagoda stairs as my stair-master, but on day 2, I decided this is all too agitating, if I want to maintain as much concentration as I can. Instead, I would either clean up the men’s dorms, rest or even sit an hour earlier than scheduled full from lunch until I needed rest, 1 ½ hours later. The wisdom signs I noted, were doubts arising and falling way faster, impermanence, Ah ha. I also attributed partly to the fact that if I quit and leave what path will I attempt next? This made it seem like a foolish idea if I reflect how far I have come, since I have already seen personality changes, and a better easier home-life. Other signs were when the mind-storms arise and have some steam, I was able to name them as craving or aversion and thus quietly let the steam out and they would fade out way faster. It did not mean, the mind-storms would necessary not have any kick, but they definitely would end way faster then previous years. I also noted that when I could not resolve them in a sit or a short walk to the bathroom and instead finally lay down, if I did fall asleep I would download one craving or aversion sankara(mental defilement) and then quickly awaken refreshed. That was new for sure and it became more and more obvious what was happening.

The few things that I should do to improve my concentration especially in anapana would be to wear a hoodie, to keep my wandering eyes down(eyes and ears are enhanced since I lost my speech the first few years with my brain injury as a compensation). It may be interesting for you readers that any loss with an injury, the body tries to compensate. Losing my left side and facial sensory nerves, and thus its proprioception lead my eyes to take care of it, instead of it happening in my brain. So this means that in order to walk and not have my left leg or arm hit anything, the eyes determined their location in space. This does not play very well when you are trying keep the mind concentrated watching the breath which in turn allows you to pin-point body sensations while you scan in a sit. I have yet to meet anyone with a simple stroke who I can compare my bi-lateral experience with. Things like focusing on the area below the nose and above the upper lip in anapana when you lost all your facial sensory nerves is very challenging, and yet on day 26 I finally felt “ants crawling” there. This can lead to losing concentration way easier than normal people. I tried writing the AT(teacher) about this, but after awhile even that seemed foolish because what could he do but send metta(loving kindness) my way same as person in the outside world. Impermanence was no longer just a concept, but actual observed reality in many forms. Another thing is being as inconspicuous as one can be, to not disturb others concentration. Awareness takes many forms. Seeing my post sit notes this time over previous 30-day sits, and building on this newly found wisdom. Combined with observed pain and pleasant sensations moving around, with even more concentration than last time. This actually reinforced my devotion and appreciation for the wisdom of Buddha. Thank you again all my dhamma brothers, some of which sat every year with me.

How the body and mind talk to one another to understand the world

2019-02-16T22:58:00.002-08:00

This reprint I found it helps identify why Vipassana works, and how Tomatis helps people. How Vipassana helps you identify anger in the body sensations, way before it expresses itself in words or actions. With Tomatis it helps removes the traumas which are stuck which may throw one into repeated anger or sadness over and over, based on that stuck feeling from way in the past. Seeing the sensations at the root level or even removing traumas altogether, will free one up tremendously from false physical signals, perhaps.— Was Once

Have you ever been startled by someone suddenly talking to you when you thought you were alone? Even when they apologise for surprising you, your heart goes on pounding in your chest. You are very aware of this sensation. But what kind of experience is it, and what can it tell us about relations between the heart and the brain?
When considering the senses, we tend to think of sight and sound, taste, touch and smell. However, these are classified as exteroceptive senses, that is, they tell us something about the outside world. In contrast, interoception is a sense that informs us about our internal bodily sensations, such as the pounding of our heart, the flutter of butterflies in our stomach or feelings of hunger.
The brain represents, integrates and prioritises interoceptive information from the internal body. These are communicated through a set of distinct neural and humoural (ie, blood-borne) pathways. This sensing of internal states of the body is part of the interplay between body and brain: it maintains homeostasis, the physiological stability necessary for survival; it provides key motivational drivers such as hunger and thirst; it explicitly represents bodily sensations, such as bladder distension. But that is not all, and herein lies the beauty of interoception, as our feelings, thoughts and perceptions are also influenced by the dynamic interaction between body and brain.
The shaping of emotional experience through the body’s internal physiology has long been recognised. The American philosopher William James argued in 1892 that the mental aspects of emotion, the ‘feeling states’, are a product of physiology. He reversed our intuitive causality, arguing that the physiological changes themselves give rise to the emotional state: our heart does not pound because we are afraid; fear arises from our pounding heart. Contemporary experiments demonstrate the neural and mental representation of internal bodily sensations as integral for the experience of emotions; those individuals with heightened interoception tend to experience emotions with greater intensity. The anterior insula is a key brain area, processing both emotions and internal visceral signals, supporting the idea that this area is key in processing internal bodily sensations as a means to inform emotional experience. Individuals with enhanced interoception also have greater activation of the insula during interoceptive processing and enhanced grey-matter density of this area.
So what is enhanced interoception? Some people are more accurate than others at sensing their own internal bodily sensations. While most of us are perhaps aware of our pounding heart when we are startled or have just run for the bus, not everyone can accurately sense their heartbeats when at rest. Interoceptive accuracy can be tested in the lab; we monitor physiological signals and measure how accurately these can be detected. Historically, research has focused on the heart, as these are discrete signals that can easily be quantified. For example, a typical experiment might involve the presentation of a periodic external stimulus (eg, an auditory tone) that is time-locked to the heartbeat, such that each tone (‘beep’) occurs when the heart is beating, or in between heartbeats. Participants state whether this external stimulus is synchronous or asynchronous with their own heart. An individual’s interoceptive accuracy is an index of how well they are able to do this.
It is also possible to measure subjective indices of how accurate people think they are at detecting internal bodily sensations, ascertained via questionnaires and other self-report measures. My work shows that individuals can be interoceptively accurate (ie, good at these heartbeat-perception tests) without being aware that they are. In this way, interoceptive signals can guide and inform without fully penetrating conscious awareness.
Individual differences in interoception can also be investigated using brain-imaging methods, such as through brain representation of afferent signals (eg, heartbeat-evoked potentials expressed in a neural EEG signal). Functional neuroimaging (fMRI) can also be used to investigate which areas of the brain are more active when focusing on an interoceptive signal (eg, the heart) relative to an exteroceptive signal (eg, an auditory tone).
Our hearts do not beat regularly and, while we can identify that our hearts race with fear or exercise, we might not fully appreciate the complexity of the temporal structure underlying our heartbeats. For example, cardiac signatures are also associated with states such as anticipation. Waiting for something to happen can cause our heartrate to slow down: this will happen at traffic lights, when waiting for them to go green. These effects of anticipation, potentially facilitating the body and mind to adopt an action-ready-state, highlight the meaningful composition of internal bodily signals.
Internal bodily signals can be deeply informative, which is why sensing them can provide an extra channel of information to influence decisionmaking. Gut instinct or intuition during a card game can also be guided by interoception. Bodily signatures (heart rate, skin-conductance response) can signal which cards are good (ie, more likely to be associated with a positive outcome) even in the absence of conscious knowledge that a card is good. Thus, the heart ‘knows’ what the mind does not yet realise, and access to this bodily signature can guide intuitive decisionmaking to a better outcome. In a real-world extrapolation of this, I visited the London Stock Exchange to work with high-frequency traders. These traders claimed that their decisions were often driven by gut instinct, when faced with fast-coming information that the conscious brain could not yet fully process. My colleagues and I demonstrated that interoceptive accuracy was enhanced in those traders who were most adept at trading, potentially grounding their intuitive instincts in a capacity to sense informative changes in internal bodily signals.
An appreciation that bodily signals can guide emotion and cognition provides potential interoceptive mechanisms through which these processes can be disrupted. Alexithymia, defined as an impaired ability to detect and identify emotions, is associated with reduced interoceptive accuracy. Autistic individuals, who often have difficulty in understanding emotions, have also been shown to have impaired interoceptive accuracy. Neural representation of bodily signatures are altered in borderline personality disorder (also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder), and interventions designed to focus on the body, such as mindfulness, have been shown to reduce anxiety. Insight into the nature of these embodied mechanisms opens up potential avenues for further understanding and targeted intervention.
As well as telling us about our own emotions, our bodies respond to the joy, pain and sadness of others. Our hearts can race as loved ones experience fear, and our pupils can adopt a physiological signature of sadness in response to the sadness of others. If you pay attention to your heart and bodily responses, they can tell you how you are feeling, and allow you to share in the emotions of others. Interoception can enhance the depth of our own emotions, emotionally bind us to those around us, and guide our intuitive instincts. We are now learning just how much the way we think and feel is shaped by this dynamic interaction between body and brain.
Sarah Garfinkel
This article was originally published at Aeon and has been republished under Creative Commons.

Uncreated Nonsense

2019-02-11T23:16:00.002-08:00

Having completed “Sonic Birth” phase of Tomatis Mozart Therapy, one is more able to quiet down all the stuff that used to surface. This is a great adjunct for daily sits, where you observe body sensations, to cement the knowledge that everything in life changes and thus you have no need to hold on or act out. It allows you to just exist, putting all environmental stresses, judgments and papancha (Pali word for mental proliferation) aside. The therapy is the last phase and it exposes of all traumas one accumulates from your birth and in the womb. Without getting into the particulars of my case one thing that is great is the traumas are unseen and unnamed, mostly disposed of in dreams. This allows you to walk in the world without all your nonsense, and just deal with things as they happen. Usually you no longer over-react to things based on triggered fears laid deeply in your sub-conscious from your birth or from your life experiences. What others feel and hopefully see, when they see you is a blank slate, so they feel like you won’t attack, judge or fling negativity at them. So truly being the light in the world. It might be also seen as pure unattached love, because you love yourself without all your nonsense… naturally. This is not romantic love, it is more like resting in the self. Smiles and laughter flow and they not forced or masked with criticism. With Sonic birth this time I no longer have to let go, I just don’t create the things you need to let go of.

Moments of Light

2018-12-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

My practice, which manifests itself for me mostly as a gradual unfolding. It is very subtle, as we know patience is the first virtue. Perhaps you might see one more second before you react allowing one to take the wiser path. Steering one away from potential anger or further difficulties will hopefully repeat more and more as a new happiness habit. That is because one is the first victim of any difficult states of mind. I visited family for the second time this year, and my sister noticed, and Mom felt the need to outline why my life was difficult with my father. Meaning she felt comfortable, not pinned down or accused…more relaxed. The extra second helped many times, but is imperative to be rested and fed with my brain injury. I am no saint, always perfecting and maintaining my wisdom intention goal before life comes to a screeching halt.

I recently saw someone speak about healing traumas as an essential first step on any path. Some traumas are passed down through every generation, and for me it is imperative that they stop here even though I have no children. I completed my second full course of Tomatis Mozart Therapy this year, where we focused on my emotional traumas instead of trying to heal the brain injury with a program designed for me. We both came to the conclusion the happier and more resolved I am, the faster I heal. And what I don’t heal will not bother me as much. All emotional expectations from previous life experiences as well as current drop away thus letting the purity of my being shine through. “Me” as I currently present myself, with less of the frustration of being unable to communicate with speech.

Many years ago, when I returned home from the hospital, and my lover then and I split, compounded my difficulties. I would roll in the “why me”, anger and crying running between each. I had started on my speech therapy, and acupuncture with the idea I need to realign my chi flow. Back then I was taking the bus to each. It was one day when I bussed home, laying on my back looking up through a skylight I had in my home, exhausted from crying that it became a bit clearer that this emotional moment was the furthest from healing I needed to do to move on. Wisdom does come in small tastes, and not a five-course meal. So my original intention carries deep down in my psyche was to live and heal that, and I would lean there when life presented itself as a problem. Later another wisdom tidbit presented itself as “it is not always about me” and lead me to helping others where I volunteered in post-stroke readjustments in a hospital setting with new survivors, which I detailed in past posts. I will never forget the young man paralyzed from the neck down from a bike wreck. I wrote a heart felt letter to him, detailing why he should never get down on himself and carry any blame, it could have been me when I got my first dirt bike at 14. I saw myself in him. My letter said focus instead on healing, be proud and happy to be alive. And try, try, try, and relax. I am still letting go, unfolding, becoming lighter and laughing at myself and hopefully helping others.

Mantra, the movie

2018-09-27T20:19:00.001-07:00

A little comment about how this helped me on my path to wisdom through meditation, when I really needed a connected “embrace” of strength to go beyond my current ideas of myself(this was in 2005). Looking back, I needed some kind of universal power at that time, because there was some rawness and unknowing what would turn up with meditation, that I just started to unravel in 2004. I would never expect to be sitting two hours a day, and going on long sits as I do now.
Luckily, I had a few cues from people I have met in my life, but it was still up to me to use these for inspiration, and continue as I have.

Fruits from my Third 30-day Vipassana

2018-06-04T22:53:00.000-07:00

Offerings, give to get idea

After our trip to Sri Lanka, I got a last minute email from being wait-listed for my third 30-day Vipassana. I knew that it would be hard again for my partner, so I sat on the email for 24 hours, asking him when it was a good time to do so. So, when he said Ok, I confirmed and said good-bye for another month, and he stoically said to me, “don’t cry”. It was not like I have done this many times before, but I did not want him to feel that it was done to punish him. Off I went in April, better prepared mentally for what I about to do, more training of the mind.

Things fall into Place

It became pretty obvious, that this being the third time I felt like I could sit through “storms” of the mind, instead of feeling like I had to go walk it off. Most all sleepiness, instead of being laziness was purely a consequence of morning and lunch time digestion falling like clock-work at exactly the same time. Even though I ate lightly. I only missed one sit in 30 days in the hall or my cell, when the weather was stormy and sat in my room, but have always felt like the room sit was far less productive then the cell or the hall. Believe me, the cell is only you with all your mind stuff, the hall less so, but there it has the power of having many others sitting or the knowledge of having sat there in the past.

Real, but artistic rendering

On day 14, I had a worry storm hit my mind and spun on it for several hours, even feeling like I wanted to go. Later in our final sit of the day at 8-9pm, I got into a zone in my cell, and did not hear the final gong. At 9:40 pm a man who was further down in the pagoda, snapped his fingers, as a sign it was time to go. I left and returned to my room and my whole left side which is numb from my brain injury was vibrating amazingly. I just watched it for two hours until I fell asleep, knowing everything is impermanent. This was more a sign of enough brain(what I have left, HA!) concentration to power up the nerves that are still there. But later in the 30-days, when worry mind came up again, I had enough wisdom to recognize and release it immediately. This came from a felt sense that nothing comes from worry except mental distress.

Upon returning, it became obvious to me and my partner that more and more of my anger has subsided. If I do get angry, it doesn’t stay around long. He detailed how much I have changed and yet, I know I am still a work-in-progress. What was really the fruit of this sit, was seeing my partner join me in about one half of my evening sits, without asking or prodding. This was remarkable, because even though Buddha’s wisdom is born into him as a suffering Thai and his history as a monk at age 13 for a year…surprisingly, he has never meditated with me in our 17 years. I still let him decide when to do it, but I continue two hours a day, one hour at 5am, and the other around 7pm.

Some takeaways for those contemplating a 10-day for the first time is to just let your base intention be to want a happier life that will guide you through your own rough spots. As each hour, each day and every meditation is slightly different...so go with your flow. Your hindrances are very different than mine, and the great thing is you are teaching yourself through awareness with a path laid out by Buddha.

Sri Lanka Revisited for Plan B

2018-05-30T23:31:00.000-07:00

Dana Service cleaning Mihintale

We went to Sri Lanka for a month with everything up in the air about my husband’s green card. One, to visit an old favorite of the two of us, and two to explore options in case our case never was granted in our favor. It gave us time to put it away, and have fun because we had not left the country since he arrived for our marriage. With his extension stamped inside his passport we were off, and got to go up north to Jaffna and circle back along the east coast, two new places within the island we never got to. Trincomalee, was where we first encountered all the trash burning which included plastic bottles right in front of our guest-house. Something I had never been totally aware of any other visit, and ended up playing a key minus when we looked at condos in Kandy(which also had smoky air from the same problem). I knew from recent news before going that a dump near Negombo had collapsed killing several people, but never had encountered the increase in tourists brought so much trash…Everywhere.

We began to feel responsible by the time we saw more of the same in Mirissa, which was totally developed, compared to the quiet of our visit in 2004. Never-the-less we visited important Buddhist sites to make offerings and to inspire us both. I had big plans to meditate at sites, having signed up for another 30-day Vipassana Meditation November 2017 for April 2018 when I returned. But I never got to, just alone in guest house or hotel each day. We did enjoy the people, even witnessing a Sri Lankan wedding and meeting indigenous Sri Lankans, the veddas.

By the time we left after our month taking off for the Maldives for a quick taste of a local island, we both decided this was our last time sadly for Sri Lanka. On our last week we got the good news from our lawyer that our case ruled in our favor, after a 5 year grueling test our of 17 year relationship ending for now our Plan B pursuits.

A Perfect Example of Not Peace

2018-01-08T20:42:00.001-08:00

I wanted peace, and now home with a normal cold I can reflect on the fact I have a little bit. Peace was not something to own, it was something to be in. We are having to run hoops to gather more evidence for our marriage proof for I.N.S. again, it just makes me want to have a plan B. What happens, will happen. What we do know is that we have love and no one will separate us again like it was in the past. This is very comforting to know, that these difficulties do not define or restrict our love. I will continue meditating two hours a day to observe any hurt or pain I still carry around, that may be the cause of some crazy dreams I have occasionally. This is where the morning meditation helps one to go from sleep right into meditation rather straight into any daily activities that automatically puts the sub-conscious on the back burner driving it further away from any insight. Certainly, after a few years of two hours per day meditation, I am far from being fully realized and feel more like I gathered up a few more seconds back in my reaction time. Time that can be perceived as owning my future, where I don’t see it as a problem instead yet another way to push the “I” aside…and to fully relax. Undoing conditioning from a young age is challenging when it is so tightly woven in who you are.

A perfect example of this, is noticing rain water was running down the wall of my house, and going under a basement door. It was not a matter of house leaning more(as first thought of), I noticed it today while home with this cold, but a plugged roof drain. Of course, I had to try to fix this in the rain, knowing that any pile up of water on the roof or running into the house would soon end up being expensive. My partner just looked at me crazy, as I got the ladder up to go assess the problem. It was a tennis ball from the kids across at school probably lobbed up. A simple fix, with immediate results, not like meditation. Old conditioning made me jump up and fix it, growing up short of funds, which is can be resourceful...but can appear to others as crazy. While I was being handy, my partner made lunch in the dry indoors saying, “Credit you!” A joke that we share, to humor me.

I know this will a long path to access peace, sitting when you are exhausted or sick, but it gradually leaves you lighter and happier. Please don’t give up, listen to a guided meditation when the mind is jumping, or when it is pacing - just watch your breath. Then one day, when you sit in silence in the dark it will be a seem-less existence. That peace was there always... just waiting for you to notice.

The Insect Rave — This Dance Will Break Your Arrogance

2017-10-20T22:21:00.001-07:00

This Mooji clip about wisdom corresponds with a recent acknowledgement of where I am at this moment. Knowing that anytime I can totally relax any expectations, I am directly rewarded with even more closeness with my partner. It is not spoken, but is real tangible expression of the freedom he feels when I relax. He can now “bug me” and is met with playful fun instead of the seriousness I carried around in the past. A recent weekend course with Mozart Brain Lab refreshes the work I did 4 years ago, and produced more calm. I am still sitting two hours per day to prevent build up of unresolved feelings, dreams and of course... any anger, too.

Shrine On(with update)

2017-07-20T20:13:00.002-07:00

Walking through Bangkok's Chinatown one morning, I came upon a trash pile, and in it was an old Spirit house from some shophouses being remodeled nearby. Usually they take to the country near a tree to dispose of. Obviously whoever put it in the trash was not related to the family who last owned it. I photographed it, and started to walk away, and came back thinking to myself this is an old one and has some charm. Perhaps, I can sell it. Walking to a nearby store to quickly buy a bamboo brush to clean it up, came back and pulled it aside for the trash heap so I could brush it down. Just in time because the trash truck drove up, and the two men saw me cleaning it off and gave me thumbs up, and one even said it is about 100 years old. I was beginning to feel lucky, the closer I looked at it. Surely at home this would sell for a lot, but here no one would buy it. When done with cleaning it up, I walked it down a street to get a taxi home. The driver even said it is good find. I got it home, took into the shower area and wiped it down fully. I brought it into the room and set it in a corner.

Later my partner came home from work, and upon seeing it, he bugged out, and said it can't stay here in the room. His upbringing dictated that the old spirits of the family would come here into our room. And ghosts are about the only thing he is scared of, that and angry people. Of course, my first internal reaction from my gut was don't push me into believing what you believe. It is a nice piece and I want to sell it. But he was throwing a fit like I have never seen, being as far away from it as possible. I told him to go out for a run, and I will figure something out. It was becoming a new test for me. I asked the manager of our apartment to allow me to store in their storage place, and when he came home from his run it was gone. They were used to me, and honor the fact I do Vipassana 10-days north of the apartment and were more than happy to store it. My partner never asked about it, but he was relieved. I put in online to sell, and see what came out of it, but I was beginning to think of it as a test. What is more important how I see the world or adapting to each ever-changing event? I was putting everything on the line over this, if I were as stubborn as he was about it. What if the spirits came and affected our relationship? What would be the worse outcome? Was I putting things over people, and if so, it would inevitably come back to bite me hard. My partner is not about money, and has made this clear numerous times. If I am putting money ahead of his feelings, I am really screwing up. I left it to sit in storage a bit longer. He never asked where it went.

It never sold, and today was the day to free the spirits out of their temporary room to outside near a tree. Where they move about with ease, and perhaps climb the tree. I carried it out on this beautiful sunny day and found a nice spot for it. Where it can rest undisturbed. Then walking to buy joss stick, candles, and flower garlands for it. I found the two elephants buried nearby and pulled them out to guard it. I lighted the incense and said my apologies to the spirits. I showed him where it was placed off the alley. I saw relief in his eyes. I am very lucky to have someone to care enough about to let the whole thing go, because it was so disrupting to the way he was taught and thus his being. It scared the crap out of him, and I did not make fun at the time, give me some credit. How silly can I be to think that I know better, when I could have asked him what do with it, when he first saw it? Still learning that the things we think we feel lucky to find, are often not the obvious thing we already have in our hand. Yep, thinking happiness lies outside of us ...bit me, again.

Now, it 5 years later and my husband is with me at home...ghosts are idea put in his head by elders in his village. He exclaims, “There are No Gods and No Ghosts!” with the firm knowledge that he has now as he discovered more truth living outside of his culture. I am proud that he came to this on his own, since he jumped in totally learning English(back to square one in an English speaking country) and the freedom of knowledge he experiences here. One day, he will apologize for putting through hell with my shrine find. But I won't ask for it, and just smile with his new knowledge he arrived at without my help... via news, reading, school and listening determinedly to podcasts to learn different English dialects. In 3 years with his hard work, he has made incredible progress and it delights his teachers. I just enjoy his unbroken discussions as it flows now almost effortlessly.

Benefits of Sitting Daily

2017-06-24T23:35:00.003-07:00

As I continue to sit daily for two hours, I wanted to share some of the benefits I see (and feel). The first thing is that with most conflicts, I am much more apt to just let go, and instead of making a point of being right, I will stop even in mid-anger or dissatisfaction and leave it all alone. Everything has its half-life, and will auto-resolve naturally in a way to please most participants as long as none hold on to what they want(usually held tight in mind). Perhaps things won’t happen in time frame originally thought, but the outcome for all those involved will have less stress and more freedom.

I also noted that when I most serious about anything, later, it will relax fast when I see it clearly in one of my sits either morning or evening. This seriousness I notice in myself is when I am too invested in the personality… with all its stories. Postponing any idea of happiness in the present. So, I will introduce this freedom/happiness I am looking for, without any seriousness or conditions. One good reason to make this change is the wisdom that we never know when we will leave this life, and the foolishness of not enjoying every moment.

There are quite a few things that are less concrete to write about, but the people around me enjoy the freedom that I think I am allowing me. Many years ago I marveled at people who were like this, as if they had a privileged life. Certainly, others can’t relate to my brain injury's life complications, but being serious about things in life will never enlighten them, it will only burden them creating a sort of “Pig-Pen” cloud around me. Lift the cloud!

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Gone Fishing for Sankaras: A Second 30 day Vipassana.

2017-05-10T21:09:00.001-07:00

Meditating on my second day, I commented to myself that I am amazed that here I am again sitting my second 30 day Vipassana, all the while starting all over again with anapana to start to build a concentrated mind. This is where one will go part by part through the body in an effort to expose deep hidden complexes after 10 days carefully redirecting the mind to just below the nose(anapana or mindfulness of breathing). This is done once you have Sila(the 5 precepts) in place in order not to lay more Sankaras( conditioned formations) down in their place as fast as exposed.

I do remember in 2012 an older fellow meditator was recalling his 45 day Vipassana, and I had never even thought about doing longer than 10 days, but this obviously planted a fruitful seed within me. At this retreat 30-day were combined with a 45-day meditators, and they had to stay on after we left. 45-day goal is set in my head within 2 years, and my teacher said do a few more 30-days, then perhaps.

I experienced a huge Sankara on my 20th day over an normal interview, when I felt dismissed by the teacher in an effort for him to move on to the next person, and this set off an internal alarm. I am not normal with a huge brain loss, and need more time to process and talk, and even meditate with the teacher. This, of course, screwed up all the concentration I had, but did not stop me from meditating, or make me feel the need to walk it off. I asked the teacher how is it best to restart, instead of laying it all out why anger arose and he replied that to watch the palms and soles of the feet, since more sensitive to fine feeling. This allowed me to get back in the flow as anger subsided in about 4 days. This may seem like I was rolling in anger for a long time, but in effect I was mostly unfocused in my meditations and never really discouraged about it. Knowing from years of meditating that there is really no bad meditations, maybe just not so productive. I don't really ask for anything in life to help with my disability, and even stopped telling people on the phone or in person why I speak so weird.

There were many sankara moments, some pronounced and some not, but all in all I was able to stay put and live through them, mimicking how you are supposed to sit: Never moving, never scratching or fidgeting observing body sensations. This showed that the body/mind has learned a few lessons in equanimity, but not enough to be cocky or even appear to be rolling in peace...now. Although people have remarked I look better and more relaxed.

I did see some progress this time where the first 4 days I could stop the mind by re-focusing on the breath and even more relaxed than the past when things fell apart. I could actually feel the mind dumping things, in a way that you could feel more mentally sane on quite a few days. It feels like being more empty, so it may be not having to worry about mundane householders life! This is an experiential path and all based on each one's own sankara's.

So, I am fully aware that this is lifetime of work, and that my partner I love wants to take full credit for the changes he has seen in me so far. This is with his own experience of Sila(morality) and Buddha's teaching that have worked for him that he has tried to pass on to me. I just need my nose rubbed harder on the ground with Vipassana to flip the mind over to passenger mode in order to more compassionate and

kind. I may never see the same results as others with the frustrations I have with my brain injury caused confusion and speech disability, but so far I have seen some small fruits that I am happy with enough to continue this path and never feel discouraged. With the path, I can see my passing all too soon, which presses me to stay put instead of jumping to the next thing in an effort happiness ...out there...where it never really existed in the first place.

Who am I? Self-inquiry with Ramana Maharshi

2017-02-23T19:17:00.000-08:00

I don't suppose that one would be interested in the above video, without some meditation experience, or some life-changing event like mine. Not that I am special... it just helped to put some things in the proper perspective or let other mundane things fall away. Very, very slowly.... since the personality/mind will always throw up a red flag, “What about me?”

I recommend the book by Micheal James, Happiness and The Art of Being that goes into great depth.

Be Triggerless, Be Free — Massaro

2017-02-02T18:03:00.000-08:00

With all that is going on with society today, it might be too soon to mention that one can rest in a mind free of worries, fears, or questions. Rest for at least a few minutes a day, and with more experience it will grow. With wisdom, and the experience of “falling down” many times in life, one wants to know fully what this mind of ours is really doing in an effort to create a version of hell, especially tooled to our own failings. A perfect example of this is playing out as we speak with the new U.S. Administration.

Bentinho Massaro here in this clip might help to understand this easier:

"Spiritual growth is more like not believing in suffering purely by knowing it is based in non-reality"...a comment posted.

Most Important Time to the 'Be The Change' Is Today

2017-01-20T09:42:00.000-08:00

When you are on the path, there comes a time when you have to show what you are made of. If you really did change and learn from past mistakes. Now is the time, to be light in the face of darkness, to help others struggling with negativity, to show love and caring. More now... than ever before, because now you know you will die too soon, and the misery you would normally have shared with others, is the hell everyone talks about. Hell is not out there to be experienced in the future, is is right here within our being. Smile, share love and concern for others, help anyway you can....today and from this day on.

These photos are from the light of my life, my partner who constantly reminds me to be positive and to smile even when things are difficult, as they often are.
Difficulties will not stop, but a difficult mind can.

Survival not a Negation

2016-12-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

Recently my Mom expressed some displeasure over the fact I don’t celebrate Christmas. I do give gifts for the family, but pretty much have abandoned all the rest of the trappings. This came about first by childhood traumas around the holiday and a two years preceding that, back then, when I got a total kick in teeth rejection from a new Christian youth group I had joined when I told one guy that I was gay. This all formulated a survival instinct by dissing all religions as exclusionary and hateful, so not a negation of my mother or her life. She held the power of love even when things made no sense, and left this to me. It wasn’t like religion was forced on us, but some circumstances in my life besides that of being gay I had to toughen up to get past them and survive. Not a wholly unique experience, but it was of course tailor made for my awakening and settling down to meditation and the Buddha’s teachings leading to more compassion. Learning to have compassion for myself, first and then develop it for others. Surviving was at times excruciating painful, producing tons of doubts and sarcasm about life.

Meditating later in life became a way of dissolving many of my delusions. The icing on the cake for surviving (written especially for younger gays) was meeting my husband who has further taught me naturally Buddha’s teachings with his own experience along the way. He also has remarked that few people when they are older… change, but that I have, of course with his love and inspiration. Combined with some powerful intention built out of suffering the outcomes of my former self. Use your mistakes to further your growth on the path, for they are so designed to allow you to fail and find the need to change. Fall down, get up, dust yourself off...and proceed.

Whatever Comes...Goes

2016-11-20T10:44:00.009-08:00

A month ago, I wrote a long piece outlining my path as a gay man in hopes it would inspire others on the path. I realized after writing nearly three quarters of my life’s story that it was unique enough, not to inspire but to look more like a car wreck of twisted metal as one speeds down the freeway. So, in a way, the reader would not be able to see how the odds and ends added up to a need for wisdom in life by dragging them through my mud.
Most of the wisdom I have acquired is simply done when I transcend the mind full of worries, pre-conceived ideas, and a lot of anger. In my case, the daily sitting of two hours a day helps to see the anger and sadness built up that would normally surface at odd times usually unrelated to the actual circumstances. Transcending in the sense that you see what your mind is doing instead of reacting to things as they happen. Two hours per day, one hour at 5am and another around 7pm may seem like a lot, but one needs less sleep when you deal with things in the present moment.

The morning is hard one, to rise out of sleep, but it allows one to unload dream traumas, and thus makes the hour afterward when you crawl back in bed... very sound and void of worries. The evening sit disassembles the day’s toils and misunderstandings, which can happen for me with others, since I have a speech disability. The payoffs are not immediate, unless you have subtle recognition, but can be more pronounced after a year. I want to encourage the reader to sit even if it is only if for 10 minutes a day, and feel free to find someone who resonates wisdom for you.

Karma Exposed when Serving

2016-10-09T17:33:00.000-07:00

I recently served a 20 day Vipassana course, and it quickly became obvious..under the work load and meditating three separate hours a day…that my karma dictates a sense of abandonment from others that don’t do the same amount of work as I. Before I arrived I had asked for a position running the dishwasher, but when a non-english speaking person came later he was given the job, and I was switched to dining room “manager,” even though it was pretty much a solo position. Which under the circumstances I fully understood, but walking an average of 7 miles a day and working non-stop with a brain injury produced sankaras to rise fast, when a few people were resting or meditating more while I worked with a brain injury. Now, I am not saying everyone else slacked, because several busy people would help me out, but I not quite fully understand internally, why I should just accept the ones who do less. That is my karma. But with a few people who would jump in to help me, also inspired me to work hard for a week in my spare time... not meditating...

but filling the side of a cement walkway that could collapse by trucks driving over it. I shoveled a lot of dirt and rocks, to pack it in and it came out pretty good. So, anger was used constructively about the few who would not help me. Of course, right now you all are laughing at me, when I could have just napped and let go of any ideas I had, but this is me. So, this path is long, and it might take me a lifetime to let go of things, but I am committed. I was lucky to have fun people to help, and two great assistant teachers who shared many of their funny stories of their own path and they knew me. I still refuse to lay around and feel sorry for myself which has led me to greater healing, yet many have no idea of the difficulties I experience.

Mooji Meditation: Faceless, Deathless and Ever-Fresh

2016-09-08T20:53:00.001-07:00

I know many people have a hard time sitting down to meditate, and feel that Mooji does many a heart-felt and realized guided meditations like this. Please take time, to pull yourself away from the net and other distractions. I know when I feel alone on my path his guided meditations help me.

For those who want to get down to the actual meditation it starts at 4:50.

MANTRA - Sounds into Silence Documentary

2016-08-31T18:41:00.000-07:00

“We all connect on a deep level that’s beyond personality, beyond nationality, beyond language”

DEVA PREMAL & MITEN with MANOSE

“MANTRA – Sounds into Silence is a film about the growing phenomenon of Mantra music and *Kirtan. Many of us who know this practice will have made the experience of its deeply healing and soothing effects. As the popularity of this ancient Indian tradition rises in the west, more and more people are discovering the joys and the feelings of inner peace that this music movement is bringing to them. Now we want to explore this new musical phenomenon further by making this film and sharing what we find with you and also with people who are not familiar with mantras and chanting. Through revealing interviews with the artists, who have sparked off this new musical movement, we will find out what inspired them on their paths and how this influenced their music which is reaching out to so many people. Then we will learn about the music’s transformative effects through those people whose lives have been transformed by the practice.”

MANTRA - Sounds into Silence Documentary

Anger, the Greatest Imperfection

2016-08-18T18:40:00.001-07:00

Anger came rolling in with a too little sleep and too much on my plate, even though I have been meditating one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. Perhaps there is no excuse for anger, but it comes with a brain injury like mine, especially when I don’t nap in the afternoons. It is funny that now when I do nap I fall directly into no dreams sleep and wake up naturally half-hour later. Ironically, the same day this happened, I got an interesting email with a article from Anadi on negativity, titled Purification and Transparent Imperfection. With some hope he says, “If the emotion is not too deeply embedded, there is a good chance of it being dissolved.” But we know when we share our anger, there are many repercussions to follow with those we love. I will go next month to serve a 20-day Vipassana, to work up close and personal on my triggers and learn to stop it in its track with greater awareness or at least diffuse it. I married the right person to not allow anger to be a part of our relationship.