I Have An Online Journal

Hey - I've never been good at writing in this thing and I suppose that may never change, but then it is hard to do so when you don't always have access to a computer and on top of that not always have internet access as well.
I also realized something the last time I posted a blog and changed my myspace to include the link to my journal. I was reminded in a rather creepy way of the fact that someone still monitors my myspace to see if I'd made any changes and managed to find my livejournal and posted an anonymous comment referencing an ex. I must say for this person's benefit that I've moved on, it's time you did too. I don't really understand this fixation - I'm pretty sure I've given the invitation for direct dialogue before, so if they ever wanted to say something to me, there was no reason to be anonymous - but I digress.
We're currently in Fresno, CA and the weather here is beautiful. We had some R&R in a park after attending a unitarian church this morning. Tomorrow we visit a Mennonite college (Fresno Pacific) . They're welcoming us on campus. If there happens to be any BYU officials keeping track of me - that's right - this is a proper welcome. They're feeding us breakfast, lunch, and dinner, allowing us areas of conversation with their students and even some discussion in their classes. They have a policy which states that they are in favor of christ-centered relations, but they don't consider homosexual relations can be included in those. :(
Perhaps I'll actually update on this stop :)

Current Location: Days Inn - room 208
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: random ipod mix

Our events on the campus of Notre Dame ended today at roughly 11:30am when six equality riders were arrested for attempting place a wreath of flowers on campus. The procession was led by a very courageous gay Notre Dame student. He was not arrested, but told that he would have to speak with a disciplinary council for his actions.
Despite Princeton Review's announcement that Notre Dame is the most homophobic student body, we were able to meet quite a lot of welcoming students, who couldn't understand their administrations position against us. Many times they would apologize for their school's behavior and wish us good luck everywhere we were going.
The riders that were arrested were Delphin Bautista, Haven Herrin, Mike Cramer, Jessica Kalup, Dan Seda, and Kelsey Pacha. The day before, several equality riders recieved written notices of trespassing that meant they were never allowed on Notre Dame's campus ever again or else they would be arrested. They were Matt Kulisch, Delphin, Emil Pohlig, Brian Murphy, and Justin Hagar.
We had a wonderful evening at the local UCC church where we gave a couple presentations and shared pizza and brownies with many of the locals, including some current gay and lesbian Notre Dame students. I feel so proud of these individuals as they strive for equality at their school. They need to feel like they have a voice to speak and a place where they don't feel discriminated against.
I've tried to equate my time at BYU with their experiences at ND and find many many similarites. Apparently one can be openly gay and not feel threatened by explusion from ND. In fact one student told me they don't even feel scared to date while at the university, even though it is against the school rules.
But there is still much work to be done here and even though we were unable to get as much time on campus as much as we wanted to I think that our visit has already made a positive impact.
Interestingly enough during the arrest it turned out that BYU's chief of police had flown out to Notre Dame to speak with their police force, possibly to give advice for things that they had done already. Though I realize that the police force are simply obeying their administration's orders, I feel that it's slightly amusing to think that the Mormons and Catholics are coming together to "defend" themselves against soulforce.
Nevertheless I believe that our stop has not been in vain. Brian and I have befriended one of the students at the university and seen the light in his eyes as he is enjoying his time with us. We just wish that he could feel safe where ever and with whoever he is with at Notre Dame.
Tomorrow we leave Indiana and head back to Milwaukee, WI to visit Wisconsin Lutheran college.

Namaste

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Location: LGBT resource center

It has definitely been too long since I last wrote in this thing. I really don't know where to begin. In fact I don't even feel like catching up - it would take too much time. I even don't feel like writing a short summary - but I think in explaining current events, it would only make sense to give some background.

It sufficeth me to say that this semester is a little more than half over and I'm terribly behind in many of my classes. For the record, I'm currently taking a networking class, an operating systems class, a human computer interface class, and a beginner's level clogging class (and no it doesn't involve wooden shoes). I love my clogging class - it's the only one I'm not "behind" in. *sigh*

So why am I so behind you might ask? Well, there are several reasons. The first and foremost is that I've developed a rather nasty apathy for school. A close second would be that I just can't stand being at BYU. However, I haven't been completely idle either. I've been filling up all that time with social activities. I would say I've met at least two new people every week. While many of these become simply acquaitances and few become good friends - I have simply loved it. I can't seem to get enough of this human interaction. In a way I've kind of become a friend slut. It's been hard for me to slow down (now that I've realized how far behind I am) to catch up on my school work. I certainly haven't wanted to.

And of course with any social activity involving gay people (therefore anything I do) there are many exciting social adventures (sometimes called drama) that occur. Whoo boy - have I been up and down this semester. Maybe one day I'll go back and record all of them - for my sake. But for now, I'll just gloss over the most recent events.

It turns out that posting a personals profile on the internet can get you called into the honor code office. Some vindictive homo decided to take advantage of poor little ol' me (who decided it was OK for me to post my name and that I go to BYU on my personals profile) and he reported me to the BYU honor code office. You can imagine perhaps how annoyed (and nervous) I felt going into that office. In my opinion I had done nothing wrong, but they felt it was inappropriate behavior.

No action has been taken yet - I presume I'll know more as the week goes on. But I ended up coming out to my current Bishop because of it (which I wasn't really planning to do at all). So last week was probably the worst week I've had this semester. It was the accumulation of my social drama, the BYU honor code, and my procrastinated school work, oh and a cold that decided to linger to spite me.

OK, there's actually more. On top of this - unknowingly to me my bank decided to implement an overdraft courtesy - so that you could go over your account (and incure a $20 charge each time you did so). Well, I have only drawn over once on my account - and that was over a year ago. Back then when I went under the next charge was simply declined and I knew I had made a mistake thinking I still had money in my account. Now there was no security for my stupidity. I ended up using my card 7 times before i realized i had gone under (thus $140 dollars had been charged to my account for doing so). This happened that infamous week and I just felt like shit. I called the bank in an attempt to remove the "courtesy overdraft" and try and get my money back. I worried because rent was due at the end of this weekend and I was showing a negative balance in my account - not a good thing.

Well, where God shuts a door - he opens a window somewhere (so we can throw ourselves out I suppose). The bank decided I had goofed in ignorance (but only gave me $100 of it back). My federal income tax return was deposited - my parent's check for $100 came in the mail - and a second mother decided to give me $100 (without knowing my plight). It was definitely a miracle. I wonder sometimes why God is still good to me after all I've done, perhaps it's because I have my whole family praying for me.

I managed to catch up a little on my homework. And I've shut myself off from all my instant messaging for a while - until I've caught up completely. Already I feel much better than I did last week - my roommate even noticed I was smiling more. Perhaps I'll even keep this journal up to date.

Current Music: Narnia
Current Mood: accomplished

It has been a while I suppose. I had actually typed up this really good journal post about a month ago - it was nice and long. . .and when I hit submit - well, darned if the page wouldn't load and I lost all that hard work. So I said, screw this. Well, I've learned and am now writing this journal entry in notepad.

The fall semester is almost over. Many, many things have happened to me - a lot of things I was hoping to write down in my journal but never got around to, and now I am kind of glad I didn't bother. School is a big pain in the ass like never before for me. I can't say I'm really enjoying any of my classes this semester - and it scares me of course. Boys, boys, boys. Oh the boys here give me pains that are not pleasureable at all. I wish I could find someone to love, but everytime I reach out to what I think might be a possibility. . .my heart is almost in constant agony because of it now.

In my mind I desperately want to leave BYU and Utah all together and move somewhere where I can practically start all over - away from my friends and family, away from those that have hurt me - but where would I go and what would I do?

I want to forget a lot of things - but those kind of memories are the hardest to erase. I read the short story of Brokeback mountain the evening before I saw Harry Potter 4. The story is sad and resonates a deep seeded fear in my own mind about my future. Time it seems is against me. I want to find someone - but I want them now - I don't want to have to wait for who ever it is - if there is anyone.

When someone says, "If only I could love you. . ." why does that cause such suffering of both body and soul? No - I will not cry any more tears. I'm done crying - and then my mind turns to the death of Cedric Diggory and I want to cry again.

I need to sleep - I only got 6 hours last night - not enough for poor little ol' me to maintain a healthy life. But my roommate is at his conversations with his extremely loud keyboard - I don't know if I'll be able to fall asleep until he's done. . .*sigh*

This really isn't an update I suppose - it's more of a "hey I'm still alive". Maybe I'll try and actually put in events that happen to me, but I've decided nothing of the past will go in, only future events. Ok, here's to an attempt of sleep. X_x

Current Music: The Village
Current Mood: blah

Time for an update I supppose. . .

Well, things have definitely been looking up for me. Here's some things I've managed to accomplish over the past week.

• Secured an apartment with a friend
• Replaced the stereo in my car with a CD/MP3 player
• Visited both grandparents
• Got new piano music (Pictures At an Exhibition)
• Cut the grass on the front and back lawns

Current Music: ABBA - chiquitita
Current Mood: calm

How You Live Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

saw this on a friend's LJ and thought I'd give it a try. . .First off, the second one is soooo me. I hate competition as well - I get frustrated and nervous when I play chess (whether I'm winning or losing). The first one I could argue with, but at the same time I'd like to think I have good self control. The third one used to be me, but I've expanded to many good friends now. The last? Well, I guess I used to do this as well, and probably still do subconsiously, but I'm beginning to realize the dreams are just that. . .dreams.

Current Music: Sarah McLachlan
Current Mood: accomplished

sometimes I don't know when to keep my mouth shut or my thoughts in my head. Now I might have lost a good friend because of it. *sigh*

Current Mood: sad and stupid

Well, things have been rather monotomous for me this past week. I haven't done anything out of the ordinary - which is work, and more work. I've already worked over 40 hours this week and I have tomorrow to look forward to as well. Of course, I am doing the thing that needs to be done this summer - make money. Actually I hadn't really planned to make much money this summer - seeing as I was fortunant to get this job back for the short time I was going to be home.

On a sadder note - the car stereo/tape player decided to just die this week. . .well, at least it did it now and not en route to Utah. . .but it must needs get fixed for the trip or else we will go crazy I do believe. Imagine no music for thiry hours of driving. . . ahhhhh

And now. . .I've recently found out that the place my roommates and I were hoping to stay is "unavailable" for us. . .*sigh* So when I go out to Utah I'll be homeless until I can find a place for us to stay. Ah, the wonderful surprises of life.

Current Mood: blah

So I was reading a friend's LJ, and decided to comment, but as I was commenting, I realized this was practically a personal post. So I've decided to post it in my journal instead, but he'll know it was for him if he reads it.

in my opinion. . .

10 bucks says [this friend] doesn't forget [his posted things to remember], but that he just chooses not to follow it or that he "conveniently forgets" it, which is just like ignoring said views of the conscience.

In any event in which you find yourself doing the opposite of such views, then it's not that you've forgotten them, but that you have temporarily (or permanently) changed your views. Happens all the time. Deep down you may believe there are certain things you need to be doing to be a better person, so why don't you do them, because they're not who you are. (see the parable of the cellar rats by C. S. Lewis)

Naturally we should always be striving to be better people, because we'll be happier that way. On the other hand, beating ourselves over the head because we choose not to at certain times or because we make mistakes or that we just simply can't seem to fulfill an ideal is very unhealthy both physically and spiritually. Then again, realizing our problems and feeling guilty is a step to becoming humble. . .but sometimes people go too far and the humility turns into depression. . .so what's the limit and how far should we go? Honestly, I have no good answers here. There's always the "endure to the end" bit, but does He really want us to be depressed our entire lives, puncutated every now and then with a moment of happiness?

This life is the only time we get to experience mortality and is the determinant for what level of happiness or glory we're capable of in the next. So, when children die, can we assume that they did not need to experience mortality in order to progress? That He knows our destination after this life, does that mean that God shouldn't have any emotion as to anything that we do because he already knew it would happen? The moment He realized our future at our creation (or whenever it was) did He cry then or jump for joy? Do you think that He knew also the things He would need to do in order for us to progress as much as we could? And that He is currently trying his best to do those things without taking away our agency of ourselves (that is our ability to act for ourselves)?

side note

there is a small misunderstanding among some people that agency means the freedom to choose - this is completely wrong - where it is really "the ability to act". for example: in sports a "free agent" has no team and is therefore under no obligation to perform for anyone. But the moment he signs on he becomes an agent for that team he is expected to perform and act in certain ways. Therefore if he suddenly decided he wanted to play for another team - then he would be acting outside expectations and would most definitely be dropped by the team that contracted him. Such it is with the gospel. We are "free agents" until we sign up (are baptized) into the church, when then we are contracted to God to act in certain ways. We have always had the ability to choose, and always will, regardless of what happens. Consquences can limit those choices, but it can never be taken away from us. Even Satan's plan wouldn't have taken away our ability to choose, but rather it was to "destroy the agency of man" - that is the ability to act for ourselves. Instead we would all be forced into a contract, thereby never being able to be "free agents". Of course this plan could never work, because we all had the ability to choose. The only way it could have worked would be that Satan would "save us all" regardless of our actions. We would all be "agents of God", but without limits or laws or rules. "Not one soul would be lost". A plan that to those who doubted sounded really good - why else would a third of His children want it? But again, such a plan would have prohibted growth - which is essential for godhood - there would've been no reason for forgiveness, because there would've been no sin, because there would've been no law. And if there was no law there would be no opposites - thus Lehi's sermon in 2 Nephi.

Sometimes I wish I had never learned any of this stuff. I wish I was wrong, and I could be, but everytime I hope for it, I get the feeling that I'm right. My spirit longs for truth, but at the same time my desire for justification of my actions against the law wants me to be ignorant.

In a lot of ways, I'm still the good boy I've always been. Unfortuantly, I've taken to cussing out loud when I'm with certain people instead of just in my head. . .It's just that now, I've just accepted a certain part of myself as that's the way it's going to be and there's no reason to deprive myself of those things if all it does is bring depression and sadness. I want to say I'm a thousand times happier than I used to be, but maybe that's just a percieved deception on my part. I have more questions about the church and God's motives than I have answers anymore I think. It's not like anything I've known and believed in has changed, it just that my accepting has opened a whole new angle and field I've never looked at before or just ignored.

I could talk these things all day I suppose. . .*sigh*

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: birds and crows