Cat

Love.
Joy.
Peace.
Patience.
Kindness.
Goodness.
Faithfulness.
Gentleness.
Self-Control.

And it's as if God wanted to get the point across to me in a "IN YOUR FACE" manner.

With being in the camp committee of the Tanglin Halt's family centre's children's Commonwealth Camp's theme being focused on the fruit of the Spirit this year, as well as the topics of sermon messages of the past few weeks also circling around the fruit of the Spirit. .

And with how the struggles of every random aspect or even the tiniest decisions I feel I am given a choice to make. . is suddenly magnified.

Timely coincidence, or is it really?








25th May.


Yet again.
And it's already been two years.


The very opening chapter to our friendship, to your personal theories you taught and amused me with before, to the very last words and hug we exchanged, to the very last picture we smiled together for, to the heart-wrenching call I got about you, to the very last moments I saw your face. .

No doubt the (physical) friendship was short lived.

But every inch of who you were, what you've done, what I never committed to because I took things, you, for granted, still burns me in a clear and vivid manner, like alcohol pressed onto a fresh wound.

My mind and emotions get thrown mercilessly in a whirlpool as I come face to face with the fact that so much time has gone by, time heartlessly will stop for no one as each of our lives continue to carry us along, away from what once, was tangible present.




You lived in a manner that was honorable and respected by your family, your friends, your men.
And in the quietness of one night, you silently left us, and in doing so, you brought unity and love back into the once fragile state of your home, as well as among your friends.

Your life, and death, both impacted people, and changed lives.

You're really something, Aidan Poh Ren Yu.

If my life could be examined and given a grade. .

I'd get a big fat "F" grade.

definitely, for the choices i keep making.

for the commitments and promises i so often never follow through with.

for the pasts i almost never learn from.

for the life i know i can't live without God but yet still insist on my own independence.

for the time i spend here and in my head lamenting so frequently, but acting upon and being fruitful..so little.




I need encouragement and the strength to lay down all else, pick up my cross, and follow Him.








Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
2 Corinthians 5:17












Something a little off tangent, I was reminded about this:
"Hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is."

How do you express love towards your family, spouse, neighbor, friends, colleagues, or even a stranger on the streets?

How do you express love towards people you claim you love?

..Why must you tempt me?

:(

obviously i do know that tests, trials, and temptations is what moulds us.

When you're comfortable, you're not growing.


And I can't emphasize on this more..

but no matter what, there's always, ALWAYS a choice.

Though I'm usually not making the right ones.

But that's no excuse.


I have to put a halt to this compromisation.

True that, that God understands when we fail, when we disappoint, when we don't follow through.

But does that mean I'll then compromise, take for granted His love and patience?


..Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Matthew 6:13












and.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

I cannot thank God more for the wonderful person He has blessed me with in my mom.

I should be doing something about all that distance and time difference between me and her.

i had another one of those heart wrenching dreams in the last 15 minutes before i got up this morning.

how did i know it lasted about fifteen?

well yes, i snooze my alarm on average about ten times everyday.

if you do the math, that makes me inexplicably late for anything.

considering i'm already an hour late in waking up from my originally planned time.

today was three.

that's a tiny crack of improvement.


back to the dream.

it went like this.

i was in some sort of camp, trip, school-ish event.

at a venue that took the form of a terrace house?

i got my feet dirty and decided to go to a hose cum open shower area at the patio to just wash my feet.

there was a little boy there with his mother, for the same reasons.

they had trouble with the "shower" hose and was drenched to the bones as if they just took a fresh shower themselves.

i helped them out and after i was done, i left.

the little boy then took the hose that apparently had a shower head stuck to it, and directed it at me.

mercilessly.

and laughing hysterically.

obviously, now I'M drenched to the bone.

and i thought that was very rude of the little boy and he needed some reprimanding and discipline.

but i decided to walk away from it, go back into the house and tell someone that was more adult and more authorized about what happened.

considering i was also soaking up the grounds of inside the house and probably would have to do some explaining on what happened.

as the "adult" (yes i'm in my mid twenties. i'm adult enough too. if only my height would justify it better) followed me outside and we approached the mother and the boy. .

that was when i got close enough to the little boy to really, study him.

He appeared to be functioning in a world of his own, turning somewhat sporadically hysterical in laughter, then expressionless.

Childhood disintegrative disorder maybe?

what do i know about autism.

And i saw the weary yet smiling expression on his mother's face, glowing with this unceasing love for her little boy.

The little boy wasn't very tall.

i pulled him towards and held him slightly below the shoulders on the side and smiled at him.

and asked him, "Are you happy?".

He broke into the widest smile and giggle you can imagine, nodding violently.

Yes it IS a really random question to be asking a kid.

but in that i thought in my heart, tryingly suppressing my tears and emotions, was a little boy, so beautiful, so fearfully and wonderfully made.

So perfect in his own ways.

so perfect in God's eyes.


“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
- Psalm 139:14


something a little more random:

What does it mean to be fearfully and wonderfully made?

and it took me awhile. a long while in fact.

to finally . . talk to myself once more?

to admit that i'm desperately in need of an avenue of release.

to face the fact that my life's a mess, the vision my heart and head portrays for me is clearly obscure, and yes, i am at the end of my strength and abilities to keep things from getting out of hand.

truth is, i never quite had the calibre to maintain or hold up in life, in a manner most ideal, producing results most optimum.

never.

i know it. always.

how in the world then do i periodically fall into the trap of believing that things are going great, how bad can things can, i'm sure it'll pick up, i'm sure i can do something tomorrow (and tomorrow and tomorrow.. ) to straighten things out better, God'll understand, i'll talk to Him soon, i'll clear my thoughts soon, i'll analyze myself soon, i'll write this soon. ..

how great is great?
how soon is soon?

and there i go blaming things on that little word strung together by a couple of alphabets -- procrastination

procrastination alone doesn't do anything.

i on the other hand, can make choices.

and i chose it.



each time i fall, it's a plunge into a deeper, darker pit in life from the previous plunge.

and the previous plunge was already detrimental to me emotionally, mentally, occasionally physically.

but the next is worse. always worse.

and right now this?

i can't even find an adjective suitable.

immorality + hypocrisy + deception + envy + selfishness + bitterness + impatience. ..

i am at the end of my strength.

in fact i must have gone into over drive that it's been running on what's left of the "love" fuel i've had.

I know i need Him.

i need to be filled once more.

i need to be refreshed.

i need Him to be centered to be sovereign in my life.

i need His love, i need it to love.

i want to love like how He loves. once again.


because.

people, around me. . need it.


because.

life would serve no meaning nor purpose if you lived simply to self-benefit.


because.

it is the love we can provide people in relationships with them, that will help them to see who God is, that will mould us to Christ-likeness, that will guide us to understanding what it really is when we say "we love God".


i'm desperate. so desperate now.

so lost.

so stubborn.

sheep are less of a heart ache towards their shepherd compared to what i'm doing to God.

God help me.

pride i must have, to believe that i never even needed to pour out all that i am regurgitating here right now.

but i'm finally doing it, because i know i need to start.

i know i might start someday, sometime later. somehow.

i would've procrastinated this once more. because that's what i've been doing.

today is that "someday, sometime, somehow".

i really didn't want to pen this down.

it's 2:24am.

trust me, sleep is a lot more tempting. a lot more desirable this very minute.


temptation.

so is all the acts of immorality through ungodly thoughts, word, and deeds. . tempting.

and accomplished everyday.

bravely ignoring the constant reminder i've set in my head that God sees, God grieves.

what's going on Cat?

i almost do not know who you are anymore.

i say i keep struggling, but it sounds more like a convenient excuse now form out of laziness.

but i am struggling. and that's why i've eventually resorted to writing.

i've spent too much time and effort being involved in every secular fun and activity just so to distract myself from tangent of building back that relationship i once had with God.

so much fun.

that eventually phenomenally still leaves behind a void after the temporary high.

and the area of void just seems to be spreading infectiously to a wider area.

the negative emotions and consequences from ungodliness is devouring me quickly like a plague.

it has been about nine months, but the height i have i have fallen feels like the weight of nine years.


i want to encourage now. but i am empty out of spiritual food.


i know this is a lie from the devil but i can't help but feel too ashamed to be accepted by God or to even face Him.


one thing i was reminded though while typing this.

was something my cousin Petra shared with me over two weeks ago.

"God is not the type who disciplines and punishes our wrongs like how we would do to one another, but instead, He never fails to forgive because of His endless abounding love for us. He keeps loving you, keeps loving you, even with the wrong you did, until you turn around, until you love Him back."

this wasn't exactly what Petra expressed, but he means something along these lines.


God is love.

I want to love Him with all my heart, my mind, my soul, my strength.

and.

I want to love His creations, my neighbours, as i love myself.



keep me in prayer.








a thousand times i fail, still your mercy remains
should i stumble again, i'm calling your grace..

Have you ever paused to ponder..
Do you feel ashamed when you come across another, who isn't a believer, but loves another, respects another, treats another. .with so much more Christ-likeness, than a believer him/herself?
Than yourself?
And maybe, the only one main big, no HUGE thing he doesn't have in his life is, the Word, God Himself.
That's the problem.
How do you minister to such?
We are encouraged to walk in the counsel of the Godly, but again it does not mean we abandon the others, or whose lives do we impact/minister to then?
Most importantly, how is your walk with God today? How many percent of God is in your life this very moment?
If you can't confidently immediately say, like 110%, I think we might need some serious coffee and sitting down to reflect.
I'm so guilty.

Jesus, Take the Wheel

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
she was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Ooh, Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, take it, take it from me
Ooh ooh wah ah ooh ooh ooh


Nick, keep your head up to the heavens.
Our God is God of love and who is always ALWAYS sovereign, in control.
He blessed your dad with you.
He blessed you with the sermon you made a choice to listen to last Sunday.
Remember when Pastor Loke shared about his rough week losing his uncle all of a sudden.
And his little 12 year old cousin (uncle's daughter == cousin right?), who has lost her loving father, the only sole bread winner of the house, and taking her PSLEs, courageously and with faith, despite her pain, grief and confusion, stood in front of everyone to make her eulogy before her father's cremation.
And her eulogy was the song above -- Jesus Take The Wheel.
It was so timely, and it really shows His sovereignty in your life and His love for you.
God loves you and so do i.
HANG IN THERE!

I am not lying when I say that the past 2 and a half months have been a great struggle.

both spiritually and earthly.

more earthly, but doesn't that somewhat actually mean, more spiritually? (since we cannot deny the fact of spiritual warfare and that in more way we try to draw near to God, the more the devil schemes to try to deceive us)


My exams are drawing even closer now.

Just 5 days away.

That would be a reasonable amount of time IF and only IF, I actually knew what's going on this entire term.

I almost haven't passed a day wondering why am I in this, I really should be quitting school, I'll never graduate.

Who am I fooling?

Being a computer scientist really isn't my way to go.


And oddly I've been asked by a few, why am I not in theological studies or in TTC?

i don't know.

should i be?


I've been praying for direction, but what signs am I seeking to see?


Campus Crusade's overnight Breakthrough Prayer event at Kum Yan Methodist Church is this Friday to Saturday.

And 2 to 3 weeks ago I was contemplating to go, or not.

And I thought to myself, I want to, maybe I should.

And then I flipped my calendar and I decided, okay no.

Did I mention that my exams are 5 days from now, that means Monday?


Well I prayed once that time and I probably forgot about it.

and then come saturday evening when Kerin requested if I could help out for the event and be the station master with Charlton for SIM's booth.

I guess that was my opened door.

It was hard to say yes, but I did.

I guess the fact that I do want to go for Breakthrough aided greatly in the decision.

My exams are so near.

My progress is nil.

God opened the doors for me to go for Breakthrough which I guess satisfied my desire for Him and the event.

MY EXAMS ARE ON MONDAY.

But what problem can be too big for my way bigger God?

I am really trusting in God whom I know is faithful, sovereign, loving, and honors those who honor Him.

And yes everyday in every choice or decision I partake, no matter how little or how big, I struggle with the issue of obedience.


There is a divinely ordered time for everything under the heavens, and as crude as i'd have to put this, i need a divine slapping to really keep me focused.

i'm not, enough.

The best 15 months of my life
fell to the worse 7 days and counting of my life.

But the worse 7 days of my life
grew to the best days (and counting) of my spiritual life and growth.

Funny how it works.

In my total ripping pain and confusion
I did not know how what where or why.

So I prayed.

And I read.

And phenomenally, the love of God flowed out upon me profusely.

It doesn't mean there's no more pain.

But there was this -- Peace.

It also leaves when my eyes, heart, mind, leaves God.

I see now a glimpse of what the problem might be.

Obedience. Trust. And patience to wait upon the Lord in the midst of still doing and giving the best I can.

A Wife .. A Mother
(Passage extracted from BibleGateway.com NIV version, inspired by the Daily Bread and a tribute to Mother's Day, and women around)

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 [a] A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.



The passage above says a lot of what a woman of God, who in this world wears many hats just to juggle being a wife, a mother.. even a sister, a friend, an employer/employee.. should be.

And to live up to these standards of Christ, is truly something worth admiring.

Definitely, everything is easier said that done, even if I said that for the above to be done with the right attitude in our hearts, we require to lean not on our own strengths but by God's, and to live led by the Holy Spirit at all times.

yes it is hard, I think it's hard.

but it's definitely hard, not just because I think it's hard. =X

and besides it being hard, it is extremely critical too.

it is so easy to question your faith, to wonder why you're even painstakingly putting in so much effort in doing so much for God, is it really necessary, is God real, why not i live in this certain way and manner i think is best for me and it makes me happy without the painstaking factor, maybe I'll have more time for myself or for plenty other things, I'm sure I can handle and face oppression or visiccitudes of life that come my way, I have too much in my life/on my hands now I really dont need or dont have time for God, I have nothing going on in my life now and things are fine I really dont need God I mean what for, I need to focus on that assignment/project/job/getting that job/getting that grade..

admit it.

the number of times we allow any of the above thoughts (or even others) to flow through our heads is uncountable.

It's so easy and sooo convenient to have those thoughts ainit?

we so easily lose focus and get bogged down by our daily lifely mundanes.

we need SO very much to have that relationship with God guarded safely, so safe so strong so close we hear His heartbeat in every situation every decision before us.

and the fact is, we really DO need the Holy Spirit in our lives, SO MUCH.

How do we even get about doing that -- that's wear that thing "faith" comes into play.

whether we believe in God or not, well, we know we definitely cannot believe or 100% rely on people.

people hurt us. people let us down.

i've been hurt. i've hurt.

but let's say we give God the benefit of the doubt and trust that He is love, God = love.

and that means He would never do or bring us towards anything that would harm us, but definitely things that finally, would benefit us, just like how a parent who loves his child would.

so we know we cannot place our faith fully on people, but we know we can fully on God, yes?

And since we learn to have faith and trust Him fully, we know He loves us and gives us everything good, we know that He delivers us from any painful situations we are in even though for a fact, we always have to face the consequences of our actions but He would cradle us through that storm, and He would set everything in place for us (Matt6:33, "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.")

and to have faith or trust someone fully..
I looked up the definition of the words FAITH and TRUST:
What Is Faith ?

Faith:

1. confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, an idea, or a thing.
2. belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.
3. loyalty or allegiance to a person or thing; esp. fidelity to a promise.
4. the theological virtue defined as secure belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will.

Faith indicates persistent action, devotion, and direction of self, and is often charged with emotion. In the Hebrew Scriptures, this is the meaning of Heb. 'emunah. 'Emunah is also used to describe the covenant of marriage, as what the the husband and wife have in each other.

Here are some other words which cover much of the same turf as faith. In what ways do these words describe how you are toward God, or toward the gospel message?

Assurance is a confidence or sureness that is not rooted in your intellect. It usually comes about because of the action of someone else.

~~~

What Is Trust ?

'Trust' indicates a depth and a sense of assurance that is based on strong but not logically-conclusive evidence, or based on the character, ability, or truth shown by someone or something over time or across situations. Trust makes for a sense of being safe or of being free of fear, enough so your focus can be on other matters because that matter is taken care of. It becomes easier to simply enjoy life. Trust breeds confidence and conviction.

No human is totally trustworthy.
No human is totally untrustworthy.
No human can always trust themselves.
No human is totally trusting of any one other person.

Trust is a risk. We leave ourselves open for loss. Betrayal of trust hurts so much because the lost sense of security multiplies the damage.
Keys to building trust :

1. Communicate. Say accurately what you are doing, and don't assume others 'just know'. Also helpful : suggest some way they can help out.
2. Do what you've communicated. Nothing is more important to building trust than actions which match the words, non-verbal cues, and stated reasons. (I mean, actions that don't have to have 'spin' to make them seem like they match.)
3. No scorekeeping. The game of tit-for-tat does not create a sense of trust. Quit reminding others of what they did wrong in the past. Focus on what's happening now.
4. Look in the mirror. Are you giving other people reason to distrust you? Were you acting this same way in a past instance where you were shown unworthy of trust?
5. Repetition. Each time you act in a trustworthy manner, you earn more trust. After a while, the trust starts adding up. Be thorough about it : build trust in every matter, big or small.
6. Show trust. People who are trusted are more likely to trust. Most people actually are trustworthy in most matters most of the time. Trust them, and the trust may spread. (That doesn't mean blind trust, which is a way to become an untrustworthy person's enabler.)

As Martin Buber put it, "One can believe that God is and live in his back; he who trusts him lives in his face." (in *Two Types of Faith*).


And that is what it takes before we know we mean "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness..", before we are able to experience "..and all these things will be added to you" -- everything falling into place for us.

Yes, the above is not easy, are we willing to let go, surrender?

and besides letting go and surrendering, the only way to "pick up" trust is to KNOW as much as you can about the thing or person you are trusting.

does that mean read read read bible? pray pray pray?

yessir.(=

Everything in life has a domino effect, it is not possible we abandon the need to fix something in our lives, and move on to fix something else first.

A wife cannot insist and dedicate herself to fixing and giving the best for her child without first working on "fixing her man".

The proper growth and values to inculcate into a child is done with partnership.


Bringing this word "trust" into a more practical context..

if we're close to God, we can ensure our actions and words are edifying and would help someone else grow rooted in Christ's character.

and if we're deeply grounded in the Word of God and truly know what it is to be a man or woman of God, we know we can put that trust in that person, that partner.

God is our architect, our creator.

He'll know how best we work or we can work, in a situation, in a job, in a problem, in a relationship..











*ponder ponder*