McSweeney's Internet Tendency
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Short Imagined Monologues
An Important Vaccine Update from the Lord Thy God
“Vaccines were supposed to be on the tablets the whole time. Wild, right? But, in My defense, I had just created heaven and earth, and parted the Red Sea, and plagued Egypt, and dictated quite a lot of dense material to Moses.” -
It’s Friday Night, Bro:
Let’s Get Sober as Fuck“Teas, right? Let’s get some teas. You want some milk? Don’t be a milk pussy, dude. Get some calcium. I don’t want to be the only one with strong bones. Yes, there it is. Okay, first tea of the night—let’s slam this shit down.” -
Backrooms, but for Introverts
Logline: “A guy not particularly fond of fresh air or crowds enters a nightmare universe full of the kind of outdoor spaces that give introverts panic attacks.” -
Rumpelstiltskin Isn’t Your Typical Fertility Startup
“Our founders took years of experience in casino design and timeshare sales and swaddled them together into a first-of-its-kind solution that asks: Do poor people deserve to have kids?” -
Ryan Lewis’s Silence on the Macklemore Situation Is Deafening
“As controversy spreads and the country collectively holds its breath to see if Mr. Thrift Shop has Mackled his last More, I find myself asking the question that is surely on everyone’s mind: Where the hell is Ryan Lewis?”
Trending
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September 4, 2026Why We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person
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September 10, 2026I Can’t Believe Zohran Mamdani is Attending the Twenty-Fifth Anniversary Memorial of 9/11, When He Did Nothing to Prevent the Attacks
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September 15, 2026We Must Create the Shit Machine
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September 9, 2026McSweeney’s Books: A Day in the Life of a New Yorker, According to My Fox News-Watching Florida Family Members
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September 22, 2025It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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September 17, 2026Sculpture Weather
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September 9, 2026McSweeney’s Books: A Day in the Life of a New Yorker, According to My Fox News-Watching Florida Family Members
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September 9, 2026Griefmobiles
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September 3, 2026Voice of Witness Returns to McSweeney’s
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September 3, 2026Barren World
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September 1, 2026Reviews of New Food: Panera Bread Salad Stuffers
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August 27, 2026Performative Slurp
Over in the Store
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Do you hear what I hear? Your favorite holiday tradition has returned.
Recent Posts
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September 16, 2026An Open Letter to Juvenile, Snoop Dogg, and Lil Jon Regarding My Recently Diagnosed Degenerative Knee Condition
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September 15, 2026We Must Create the Shit Machine
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September 15, 2026You Don’t Qualify for an ER Visit Until After You Attend This Online Group Class About How to Care for Your Giant Gaping Wound at Home
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September 14, 2026Faculty Search Committee Feedback on Applications from Founding Figures of the Fields for Tenure-Track Positions
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September 14, 2026Justifications for Not Getting Botox
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