(917): Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here

(847): He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned

(239): Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.

(780): I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.

(815): He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?

(435): I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

(509): I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate

(402): Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...

(678): I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.

(202): like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?

(509): Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): Hospital.

(509): I am invincible.

(250): God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.

(412): the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.

(812): We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.

(802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

(207): If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.

(607): Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.

(952): Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.

(402): Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s

(845): he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.