CompassioNOT

As I embark on a new professional journey, I have been realizing that I need to reclaim that compassion that I used to have, before I got burned out. So, it's definitely been more in the forefront of my mind. Thinking about ways to reclaim it, unburry it, or whatever needs to be done to find it again.

Yesterday, Kaleb asked to go to the park when I picked him up from daycare, so instead of walking there, I drove him there, with my box of belongings (from work, last days) and my purse sitting right there in the front seat... and we went straight to the park, rather than stopping at home first. There were a few other kids with their parents there, and one gentleman was nice and polite, as our children played in close proximity. I was thinking to myself, how lovely that this person can be polite and friendly, rather than what you would expect by the outward appearance.

At one point, he asks me if Kaleb is my grandson. WHAT?! am I Seriously THAT old looking? SERIously? like SERIOUSLY?!?!?!? I known I'm not a young spring chicken anymore, but to assume Kaleb is my grandson because I am not 20???? I'm not exactly thinking as many positive thoughts any longer..

And then, simultaneously, two other things happened. The dude who thought Kaleb was my grandson (he was just a tad older than me... like at least 10 years!) went over to this other scary looking dude who drove up and parked next to my car. He was scary enough looking, and smoking, that I was worried about my belongings sitting in plain view in the front seat of my car. So I kept my eyes on them, watching Kaleb play, but nervously watching my car door to make sure there weren't attempts to steal. So what did I behold? DRUG DEAL RIGHT THERE in the playground, kids all around, and this dude totally paid for drugs right there. I only caught it because I was nervously watching my car.

At the same time, 4 unruly, violent, loud, dangerous children show up at the playground without any apparent adult/supervisor with them. They were flinging long ropes, swinging big sticks, screaming, terrorizing the area, oblivious to anyone around them, and that they even caught ME with their swinging, and almost whacked my eye several times, and there is Kaleb, right in the middle of them. My terror increased, as I did NOT want my child hurt, smashed, injured, pushed off the high slide, etc. because they were so oblivious. I tried to get Kaleb to play on opposite things than they were, to try and keep him safe, but no matter where Kaleb went, they were right there, stepping on him, or on each other, swinging those sticks or ropes, screaming and flinging all the while. And Kaleb didn't want to go home.

I could no longer find my inner desire to find compassion within me. I wanted those kids to go away! Or at least have someone come discipline them and keep them in line. No matter what I said, I just got dirty looks, or major swearing and cussing from them in return, and all I was doing was trying to keep Kaleb from getting injured by THEIR behaviors. I found myself looking at the oldest girl in an evil eye type of look... very disapprovingly. The look and behavior I got in return made me think this: She probably gets these kinds of looks and feelings from lots of people in her life, maybe even her home setting... whatever that may be, and there is nothing in her life to teach her proper, nice, good behavior. So, even though I may understand this, I HATED that she was being as she was, and I had to try and keep Kaleb safe at our neighborhood playground. I hated that whatever parental figures she has or doesn't have are not helping teach her/guide her in life, and I hated that Kaleb is going to be exposed to plenty more of this just by going to school and existing. Makes for a tougher job as a parent for me too, to try and teach Kaleb to have compassion for people, while protecting himself, and NOT behaving like them.

SO, here on my quest to dig out my compassion, I found a lot of hating going on. Thanks a lot playground! Maybe my plan of action should be re-thought...

Family at Work

Today, as tears came to my eyes, watching a colleague cry as we gave her a gift basket, I was reminded of yet another reason of why I feel so lucky to have my current job.

Katey's daughter just shipped off to Afghanistan yesterday for a year (Military). This daughter had just recently gotten married too, and all of us have seen pictures and heard stories about the whole affair and planning process. SO, now that we heard about the deployment, we had to do something. So, one of the team started a "care basket" for Katey. All of us donated and brought items that Katey loves, as a way of reaching out to show we cared, because we know this must be a difficult time, to have one of your babies out fighting a war.

Katey wasn't the only one crying as we presented the gifts to her, as I noticed several of us were teary, and probably for similar reasons. We care about each other. There is support there, if people only know what's going on (that is the tricky part). It doesn't matter your station: manager, team lead, or just clinician... we all are there for each other and want to offer support.

So, once again, I reflect on how lucky I am to have such a great environment at work. I'm grateful there are people who choose the military life, so I don't have to do it, but feel for the families and loved ones of those fighting and defending our country.

Hide & Seek

Larry and I are both so overcome with how adorable Kaleb is, and the cute things he does. Recently, it seems a few of his favorite things to do with us, is to read Calvin & Hobbes comic books, and play Hide and Seek.

Today, both Larry and I are back to work, but STILL smile as we think about the last few days, and games of Hide and Seek with Kaleb. Kaleb will take turns with whoever is hiding, or whoever is looking, switching off, as he enjoys both sides of the game, and enjoys being with either one of us. I smile as I remember times that Kaleb excitedly "breathed" heavy as he tried to find a hiding place he wanted, or would wiggle his little body in excitement as we anticipated daddy finding us, or would call out "right here daddy, Kaleb right here" as he jumped out of his hiding place, too excited to wait to be found. Or remember the look of pure joy/excitement as he found me in a hiding place.

Larry's favorite moment from the past weekend, was when we were walking into Bed Bath & Beyond to find a pot hanger, and he was holding Kaleb, and wearing his redskins baseball cap. Larry would swish his head one direction, and then the other (cap barely missing Kaleb's head) making funny noises, as he pretended to make sure no cars were coming as we crossed the parking lot. Kaleb would laugh in glee, and say "dats funny daddy." The next day, Kaleb wanted him to do it again, so attempted to imitate the move.

We truly enjoy hearing Kaleb's infections, pure, delightful laughter. It's one of the sweetest sounds out there, and makes our hearts swell. We enjoy seeing him grow, interact, develop, and do more and more things. This is such a delightful age, and we are really enjoying it. :)

Basking in Attention

Last night, Larry's family came for a visit: mom, dad, sister Krista, and aunt Arlene.

After dinner, Everyone sat in a circle on the couch, while Kaleb enjoyed being our entertainment. He just glowed, as he enjoyed all the attention he was getting. He gave everyone (plastic) french fries, poured ketchup or mustard on it for them, passed out candy, gave everyone cars to hold, passed a pot around, that we were to drink (pretend) milk from. Kaleb was truly delighted to "serve" all of us, make sure we all had things to pretend eat, or play with.

How ironic, that my favorite memory of Larry's family over last night, was enjoying the glee on my own child's face, and seeing him thrive on all the attention he was getting. Just watching his excitement, his thrill of having so much doting and attention brings a big smile to my face. We love Larry's family, and apparently, LOVE how they give Kaleb attention... making us love them even more.

Snow and Prayers

Crazy Snow Day 1/26/11

Crazy blizzard snow, super icy and slippery conditions, poor visibility, even poorer road conditions and skill of drivers everywhere. I had quite the nightmare time just GETTING to daycare to pick up Kaleb, fearful for my safety, if not my life, and car getting stuck several times, only getting moving again by slipping and sliding others...

Anyhoo... With my hair soaking wet and covered in snow, Kaleb's as well, we make the treacherous trek home. I was very scared, and at one point, I must have said something about saying a prayer for mommy. I have no recollection of that particular part, but what ensued was VERY memorable.

Kaleb said he would pray for mommy, and threw his little arms together in his car seat(Imagine the bulky coat sleeves and his car seat straps getting in the way), squeezed his eyes closed as tight as he could, and prayed. He made sure to bless his typical list: grandma, grandpa, ryan, baby, miss leigh-anne, etc.. His intention was definitely to pray for our safety, though he didn't quite have the words for that. But he did pray! And when he finished, and saw me still "scared" he would say "mommy scared, Kaleb scared too" and decided we needed "nother one" and would say another prayer. This happened multiple times, multiple prayers said by my sweet little Kaleb, as I maneuvered the treacherous roads.

Several times, tears in my eyes made my almost nill visibility even worse, if that can happen. :) When we finally did make it into our parking spot, I said a prayer (out loud for Kaleb's sake) Thanking Heavenly Father that we made it safe, and Kaleb's prayers were answered. I was so shaken up, I said several more prayers once we got inside, and was so pleased that YES, we were alive and safe, but also, that Kaleb knows about prayer.

He tends to fight it every night, rarely does it correctly, and it always feels like a battle. But when it really mattered, he was ALL OVER saying prayers for those he loved, and seemed to know exactly what prayer was for, and how to do it. THAT was incredible. :) My precious little sweetie prays to his Heavenly Father, and makes his mommy tearful. :)

Happy Holidays

Personalize a greeting

It's time to change directions

My last post was definitely all about complaining.

This one could very well turn into one as well. Since last I wrote (which actually wasn't that long ago... surprisingly given my track record of late)Kaleb got very sick, throwing up like crazy. Service people (including windshield repair dude, pest dudes) just happened to be hanging around during bad timings, wanting me to come outside to see the birds, mice, squirrels, bat openings right after Kaleb had again thrown up all over me, the floor, himself, and I was cleaning, or comforting him. My biggest fear was for Kaleb, but frustrations definitely ranked up there during this time with the Pest control people (who are taking us for a ride perhaps), but man... Can't they see me sitting there in the entry way, soaked in throw up, screaming baby, mopping up throw up on the floor, and realize that perhaps they don't really need me to talk to them at that exact moment... again, for the 40th time in the last hour? yes, I already know we have many creatures living in our attic. SO take care of it, OK? pretty please?

Anyhoo...To focus on the positive. Friday ended up being a reprieve of sorts. I had expected to spend another day soaked in throw up, calming a miserable and sick child. We had been up several hours during the night, during which time Larry had decided to call out sick himself for Friday, so I wasn't home alone. In EXPECTING it to be worse, maybe that was part of why Fri wasn't so terrible. No gallons of throw up, as anticipated... YAY. Kaleb started the mend (while I started the decline). But, we had a much better day than had been expected.

Saturday, I ended up having the worst of it for myself, unable to really function, and having caught Kaleb's virus I assume. Thank goodness (now that I am looking back at it) that Larry was home, and could take care of Kaleb, change his diapers, attempt to feed him, etc, while I was unable to get off the couch without retching. I'm still not feeling "healthy" but I AM functional, which is all a mom really needs, right? Who cares that I'm still weak and nauseated. I can still take care of my bubba luvah, and pretend everything is all right. :) And be grateful that Kaleb is no longer sick, and that the worst of mine hit over the weekend, so I had help with the basics of taking care of Kaleb.

One of my goals for the day, is to come up with more things I'm grateful for. I think one thing, is that the eye doc apt I had scheduled today, sort of had to be canceled because they wrote the wrong time down. So, that is one less errand to do on a day that I'm not feeling up to moving around very much. :) That's definitely a positive mark for today! :) Not to mention, Kaleb has now been asleep almost an hour... Ahh, the relaxation of it all (got to water plants, clean, take care of some business, write out a list of chores which is only 1 mile long at this point, write in here... I have the life!)

I'm grateful to have this moment to SIT (not run around) without having to tend to the needs of a person I care so deeply for, and would definitely run around for... but I am selfishly enjoying this little rest before I get to kiss those adorable cheeks again and play trucks or whatever his whims are for the afternoon (in between Costco trip and other errands I suppose). I'm grateful that it is not interrupted by service people (who will probably show up again this afternoon). I'm grateful to this space heater helping my cold toes. :) I'm grateful we have a home, transportation, jobs, family, and friends, and health (sort of). Most importantly, I'm grateful for the love in my heart for my precious little bubbah luvah, who we call Mr. Precious. I think on that note, I'll sign off, till the next list of complaints. :) tee hee hee

Dagnab those Squirrels!

The "yellow room" has been the "junk room" for lack of a better term, where we have put up occasional guests, I had taken over the closet (of course!) and things waiting to go up to the Attic, or the vacuum, or other odds and ends with no home have ended up. One of Larry's jokes when I ask him where we should put something, is to say "the yellow room, of course!"

One of my millions of chores is to work on cleaning it out. Completely. But what seems to happen, is anytime I spend time in there working, I clean space, and the next thing I know, it's got stuff in there again! I sold the King size bed, and only replaced it with a toddler fire truck bed. Thankfully, the closet hasn't filled back up yet, since I emptied it a month or so back. Lately, when I've been in there working, I've heard animal scratching sounds in the ceiling. Had I not been in there working, I never would have noticed them.

Those scratching and moving sounds have gotten worse. To the point, that yesterday, they were so loud, they woke Kaleb up from his nap the next room over. (Thanks a lot squirrels, I really wanted an overtired, fussy boy all afternoon!) Called in a Pest dude, who went up there, and reported that an entire thing of wood has been chewed away, and they've set up shop in our Attic. Next to the bats of course.

SO, as he is walking down the stairs ahead of me, I am holding Kaleb, somehow I miss the step, and stumble/fall/jog myself down those stairs doing my best to protect Kaleb from getting hurt. The poor Pest dude was so startled, as he hadn't heard me falling behind him, he turned around and grabbed me as I about landed on top of him. He was so upset by it, he said he had to go outside and calm down. (He didn't have his hearing aids in to have been warned by my falling before I hit him).

At the time, I was so concerned about Kaleb, who was crying (fear) and the poor Pest dude was all upset, I noted that my Knee was really smarting, but other than that, I seemed fine. Grateful Kaleb hadn't gotten hurt. Until later that night. Man oh Man oh Man, my foot was smarting so bad, I could barely walk on it. And can you believe, it took me a while to connect the dots.

DUH, I fell down the stairs, maybe THAT is why my foot is smarting so badly?!?!? Iced and elevated during the night, having a sense that I'd done more than just a bruise, it felt broken. And, after seeing a doc this am, validated my fear.

But, it fits right in line with my luck these days. Driving to the doc this morning, my windshield cracked all the way across. I almost had to laugh. We bought ourselves our Christmas present early (having saved for it throughout the year, and knowing we'll NEVER be able to spend money like this again...) and bought a dishwasher (yay, one that actually cleans dishes!) and a fridge (only took 3 tries to get one in), and a kitchen floor. But, even though we now have all 3 of said items, the getting them were riddled with frustration, bad timing, bad situations, and some very hard times (I am probably filing a complaint on one of the delivery guys). Anyhoo... that is just the beginning. I think the thing that started all this "bad luck" was my miscarriage. About 2 months pregnant, totally excited and preparing (peremptorily, obviously), Lost the baby. And bad luck in my treatment from the doctors/hospital.

So, I've had a string of unfortunate events, and all around the time of year when I need to be focusing on the positive, and things I'm grateful for. I guess that's the best time for them to happen in clumps, because I'm quickly reminded that my focus should shift to what I am grateful for, instead of on my mounting frustration with things. So, as I soul search about what I can learn from this, or about the things I do have, and am grateful for, I just have to say...



DAGNAB THOSE SQUIRRELS!!!!


:) OK, now I feel better. All positive and ready to focus on the positive. I definitely need to. :P