The start of something new,

Maybe I'm just not cut out for dance...All the effort being put in, where has it gone to? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm not craving for any attention, or any recognition. I just want people to acknowledge that I've put in effort. I don't get anything. I'm not complaining about any particular thing, but it's just a constant nagging in my head that I'm insignificant, I'm not important, I'm negligent enough in everything. People don't need me. With or without me, there's no difference. No one ever says good job, nice work, great improvement etc. Everyone gets recognized for their efforts. People get screen time, solos, significant little bits that acknowledges their efforts. What about me. I know people always say that no matter where you stand it's the same. Although we all tell that to everyone, everyone, deep down inside, knows it's bullshit. That's just bullshit. Maybe my efforts are just not enough. Just never enough for anything. I'm simply nothing but a mere small addition to their perfection. A little spot that trickles down to almost nothing. Sometimes I truly wonder if I'm cut out for this shit at all. Maybe I should have not strayed away from something I was almost good at, and gone to try something completely unfamiliar. It certainly pains me to view myself in such negative light, but this overpowering sensation is getting into me, putting my focus way out of the usual & slumping my mind into deeper miseries of having to deal with such psychological rollercoasters. I'm reaching a standing point, where I have to choose. Is this really worth so much of my time, effort and money? When all I get in return is as good as nothing. Maybe it's time to return to where I started. At least the pain will go away.

Sometimes I let my mind get in too much with its own vivid fantasies.
Need to stop it, because the mind plays games bigger than you'll ever know and it tilts our hidden consciousness much too easily. 

No ones listening to me..I always feel like I'm talking to myself. Like I'm doing things for myself and no one bothers. Whenever I have smth to say, or smth to do, or just being interested in smth, I don't get the attention I want. When I'm interested or trying to find an alternative to it, no one bothers to even say, okay yeah why not we try this instead of that, or maybe this is better because.. I don't hear anything. All I hear, are the voices that ring constantly in my head telling me that it won't happen, it's just a wishful thinking. Which they are not wrong at all. No one knows the mental struggle that I'm facing each time, trying to simmer down all the lovely thoughts with harsh realities. A picture that I crafted in my head that I know will never come to live. No one knows how excruciating to have silent thoughts all the time, screaming at the top of my lungs but no voice comes through. No one knows how it is to long for attention. To be cared for. To have someone taking time off whatever the someone actually wants to do just to accompany, to Listen, to just be there. Such is the cruelty of reality. Nothing materializes, it becomes nothing but a speck of dust, easily blown away. Just what is sacrificing for the one you love? What is it? Are you willing enough to make that tiny bit of sacrifice? Or is it just not worth your time?

I just want someone to care, to bother, to try and keep up with my thoughts, to entertain, or even just to patronize. Anything better than not getting any. I'm stubborn, I'm hotheaded, but everything I do, every action I take, has you going through my mind first. Even if I'm tired, ill stay up. Even if I'm truly angry or sad, I don't want you to go through the same emotions. I think of places, I research, I find, I remember, i bother. Will all that go in vain? Do you know where I want to go? What I want to do? Or what I even want?

Every girl likes surprises. Every girl likes to be pampered. Every girl likes having someone to shower affection on them. Every girl likes attention. But not every girl gets it all the time. Such is reality. But not every girl shows
that they really want all these. But deep down, they still do. 

I must say that this 3 month holiday has been fulfilling thus far, with its ups and downs of course, inevitably. Being able to work and gain the experience that I have been going through is a blessing that I really have to thank for. This internship at TradeHero has been an amazing journey so far. I originally applied as a Design Intern, which truthfully, came as a shocker to me when I got the job due to the lack of credentials in the design field. Thank goodness I accepted the offer even though it did come a little late, because it was a start of a ohmygodsincewhendidibecomesoefficient internship.

Haha, and the reason why I said that was because after beginning this internship, I can feel myself upholding responsibilities even more efficient than usual. Perhaps it's a different environment or what I don't know, but the stress allowed me to mature as a person in terms of being able to meet certain datelines. Initially, as a Design intern, I did more graphics for simple stuff like banners, powerpoints..etc. Although they were minor designs, but to me it was something that I've always wanted to try because I really liked it, hence it was an opportunity that I thought was golden. Then came along Social Media, as well as the Blog. Yes, right now I'm handling their Social Media as well as their official blog. I can't say that the workload is light considering the amount of work I'm doing is equivalent to 2 internship posts, but hey, that's what an internship is for right? I'm really glad that I can be exposed to all these tasks that I'm being told to do, because it helps me to apply what I've been learning, and yet doing something that I really enjoy and hope to venture in at the same time. And the full-timers are really professional. I get the exposure of the look-and-feel of the entire system and how everything is being  run, how much more can I ask for?

Being an intern here has also given me the idea (some sort) of the type of company that I eventually want to work for. The whole open concept, invisible cubicles concept...It's pretty cool, really. The removal of structure and rigidity is exactly what I'm looking for. And I've found it here. I do hope to be able to work in such environments in the future. And the people are pretty awesome as well, I mean, with all the caucasians.. :) Amazing how they recruit so many people from all over the world. It's like a world in a dot, if you know what I mean. And I've really fun intern friends as well! Haha they make the office so much livelier.

Besides my intern, I've been so tied up with dance. Other than work, dance. It's dance dance dance dance dance. Nothing but dance. Not complaining about it because I'm loving it. Performing in a small group for a big event was something new that I tried this summer together with DBZ, and I must say it was a darn good experience, despite all the YOLO-ing and panic and stress and all. Can't wait for the rest to come, all the competitions heating up and performances and recitals nearing..I'm not going to study much in Sem 1. :P

And of course, not forgetting my ahem bf, who has been struggling since the start of his intern with his mother early reporting time..Summer is great :)

When you get lonely, when no one's around.
I know how it feels like, to walk out alone.

The recurring feeling of somebody being not present although he's physically there. That lack of attention, the lack of sweet nothings, the lack of surprises, the lack of feeling, the lack of special(ness), the lack of exclusiveness..The list can go on for awhile. What can you do about it? When all you want is something so simple, so fundamental, so..i don't know. Perhaps I'm asking for too much. Way too much. But hasn't it always supposed to be this way. That's what you do in a relationship, isn't it? But sometimes you just got to accept that it's not always going to be fulfilling. When inadequacy and imperfection inevitably plays a major role. & you just got to suck it up, because if you keep going on, it's going to hurt the other party, who will turn around and hurt you too. & that's the last you want. Just because you hold so,so much regard for that person. 

I'm going to make a wishlist for myself this year muahaha.

I WANT:

1. POPPING CAP (dang, it's $60-$70, y so ex?)


2. GREY TRIBAL VANS (yes I still want them haha)


3. A GREEN BASEBALL JACKET (can't believe I still don't have one of my own :()


4. IPAD (it's really gonna be useful I can foresee it haha)


5. MP3 PLAYER (like an iPod nano or something, I don't have one, how pathetic :(

So far. Haha but I'm so going broke if I manage to get all these. T_T

WATCH:

1. IRON MAN 3 (oh yey watched!)


2. MAN OF STEEL


3. WOLVERINE


4. KICKASS 2


5. DESPICABLE ME 2


6. MONSTERS UNIVERSITY


7. EPIC

Dance Uncensored has been an amazing journey. It wasn't the smoothest, it wasn't perfect. To be honest, there were so many difficulties that we had been through this the entire process. So many times when we were at a state of despair, or panic, or frustration. Yet, we pulled through to the end, and here you go: Dance Uncensored 2013.

I may not have been the best or the most efficient leader of RH Dance, but I'm glad I agreed to take this challenge on. It was a responsibility that even I, myself, doubted at the very beginning of my own abilities to carry forth the RH legacy. I mean, it wasn't my first leadership position, but it was my first being a leader of something still so new to me. My dance journey only properly began in university, & while dance still came across to me as an exploration during my first year, Arison approached me to take over RH Dance after DU 2012. It came to me as a shock, really. Why me? I wasn't the best dancer, there're so many other talented individuals all around, & I'm not one who expresses myself frequently. I prefer being the laid back one. But well, I suppose it just came along & I agreed to take it on. Along with Wei Chen & Jon, we decided we wanted to change RH Dance for the better.

We went through several problems and encounters throughout our term, from the Dance studio, to the auditions, to the camp, to the engagement of instructors, to performances and finally, Dance Uncensored. When we first did the allocation of dancers, we were told to be prepared for the massive change in the final allocation. That gave us so much to do, with dancers swapping and dropping and adding...It came to a point where we were worried about the items, with the seemingly lack of dancers in items. I panicked, and I honestly wondered if it was my fault or my problem for not being able to keep the dancers in the items for DU. Nevertheless, we didn't give up and all the choreographers carried on with the items and all. And today, I'm proud to say that Raffles Hall Dance has grown to another level. :) The hours of training, the 6 hours of dance in studio on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and all other days with rehearsals and practices, we showed no mercy. But in the end, everything paid off when I saw the dancers take on the stage, each and every of our RH item. It's amazing how far we've gone and worked to achieve what I saw on stage. I really really want to thank each and every RH dancer for helping me fulfill my ultimate wish for a successful DU 2013. :)


TEAM EMO:



Thank you Eugene & Ganesh & Eric for putting this wonderful emo piece together for RH, it has been an honour. Thank you for putting so much time & effort into this item, I know it hasn't been the easiest. It's amazing to see how much everyone has improved throughout the year, & how this item evolved to become such an impactful one. This is my first time crying before, during and after a performance. Something that many dancers do not get to experience often. The total connection with the music, and nothing else. When you don't bother about whatever's around, you're dancing with the music. It was like an EMCC timtoh's item all over again for me, & this goes to show how much this item meant to me. Really thank you for putting this item up.

KPOP VS FUNK:



Thank you Wei Neng, Jon, Jacky, Hui Hua & Eugene for putting this whole performance together, & special credits to Joey for helping us with the entire video. It's amazing!
This item has a special meaning for me, & I really thank the dancers for trying their best, especially people like Wei Chen, Wei Xin, Li Ying, Li Yang, Ben, Mereith, Jacky, Hui hua, Win ( oh that's everything in poplock oops) for trying so hard. Pop and Lock and techniques that can't be taught overnight, but really thankful that we managed to pull off such a neat item. It's really heartening for me because it's my first ever popping choreography & it's something new. Thank you for committing throughout, really. And also to Eugene for doing the item with me, it's really meaningful, & also to a whole new start of dance again :)

TEAM BOSS:




From the very beginning of practices, I had a vision of how the item would be. How it would end with a happy ending and to put a smile on the audience faces. & it was a success indeed :)

And I'm really thankful for all the hard work the dancers in the item have put in, despite the fast choreography, the accents, the acting, everything. Without each and every one of you, this item wouldn't have been a success. Honestly, WC and I were really worried after our last practice on Saturday, even up til tech run with the lighting difficulties and all. It was my first time dealing with problems like this & I seriously panicked. Then, when day 1's full run came, I was taken aback by how everything fell into place and the item looked really nice. It hit me that perhaps I didn't have to worry that much, because I just had to believe that my dancers are capable enough. And I was right. Remember when I came back after the run smiling so widely my jaws hurt after that? I felt this tingy warm feeling when I watched the performance, it was like watching a child grow, or watching something finally blossoming into place. It was such an amazing feeling & I genuinely felt so, so relieved and happy. And during Day 1 show, the item was perfect. By that I don't mean to say there were no mistakes, but rather, the feeling that you guys projected towards the audience was so overwhelming I felt it watching from the sides. It was an exuberant performance, so heartwarming and genuinely happpy :)))

When it came to the 2nd day of show, after we passed you guys the notebooks, it dawned upon me that it was the last time I was going to watch the performance. The 3 months of hard work, all the different emotions being put into this item. I wasn't sure how to feel, I didn't know. From how this item started until show day, everything came out when I watched you guys take on the stage again on the second day. It was like watching my own children perform, the immense proudness and relief and happiness and exuberance and delight and...you get what I mean. I couldn't keep it in me anymore. That feeling as I was watching from the side, it was too much. Too much. :') I've never cried watching a happy item before, really.

Thank you guys, for giving WC and I this wonderful experience, and for putting up with our nonsense and playfulness during rehearsals and all. It's really a stepping stone for me to choreograph, thank you to those who helped me along, Eugene, Mereith, Lucian, Jon, and Joey. For giving me guidance and being patient with me when I'm trying to figure things out. And I really thank each and everyone for being in this item. The juniors for putting up with us, the seniors for always supporting us. I've learnt a lot through this item, & forged many friendships that I doubt I'll ever forget. I hope that this humble & simple item will follow you all as everyone goes on a different journey in dance. To bear in mind that everyone can dance, and when you enjoy the music, the steps become secondary. When it's just the music and you, nothing else really matters. For newer dancers, I really hope to continue seeing the fire in you. :) Thank you everyone for helping us with this item.

Also, I wanna thank WC for going through this process with me. Without his random ramblings and jokes and random stuffs, this item would have been a lot more dull. Thank you for accompanying me through this :)



Words cannot express fully how much RH Dance & this DU has inspired me, watching each and every dancer grow just inspires me over and over. Yes, it's true that everyone started off on different grounds. Some inexperienced, some experienced. Some stronger, some strong. But to me, RH Dance is not a platform for only professionals to shine. It's a stepping ground for budding dancers to learn and get inspired by those who are stronger. And to gain the experience that they wouldn't have gotten elsewhere. I don't believe in pure talent, but I do believe that each and every person that I accepted into dance have the right attitude and mindset that will eventually nurture talent. And I definitely have been proven right, because right now, each and every dancer in RH Dance has made me so proud, I feel like a momma. :') Dancers have grown stronger, bonds have been made, friendships set, inspirations all over. It makes me really touched when the stronger helps the strong, and how the strong continues working hard to become stronger.

Thank you everyone for giving me this opportunity to get re-inspired a million times. Thank you. :)

Just like that, EMCC is over. I didn't want to write this post, but I keeeeeeep reading numerous tear-jerking essays of several people and it makes me want to pour my heart out as well.

This EMCC has been significantly special to me, just like how it is for everyone else. What started off as a mad rush of choreographies, crazy conditioning, hours of training and rushing through the items eventually blossomed into perfection. I vividly recall the times during Team Will's practices in RH DS, the countless times we were unable to keep up with the choreography and how close we were to desperation. I recall Team Insane's crazy fun practices at 830pm, the laughters that chorused through the entire practice and how everyone left practices satisfied and happy. I remember Timtohtoh's practices at AS7, the conditioning that came off as insanity and the retarded-ness of everyone together as we learnt the choreography. All these memories are still fresh in my mind, and it will stay etched for a really, really long time.

I'm not the best dancer, I'm but an average dancer who's striving to improve and to learn. Throughout the journey of EMCC, there were many times where I felt that I could do much more, I could give much more. Expectations for myself kept failing, I couldn't keep up with what I wanted for myself. These thoughts didn't translate fully into rehearsals and practices. Even up til bump in, I could still feel myself trying my best not to forget steps, and constantly running steps through my mind as I do the choreographies of the 3 items. Even when I told myself to immerse into the song, the steps would inevitably run at the back of my mind. That's a problem that I've been struggling with since the start of my dance journey. And because of that, its difficult for me to give a 100% full-out expression when I can't find myself connecting fully with the song. 

During tech run of show day one, when we stood on stage, it hit me that I was going to perform. It didn't feel like performance day at all. I couldn't picture myself actually delivering a performance on that very day. And I started to panic, just a little. When it was finally my turn to take the stage, my heart was fluttering like a butterfly on redbull I swear. It started off all fine with timtoh's and nicyouwen's, I could feel a slight presence of everyone on stage but that was it. The smile that I had to keep on was, truthfully just a performance smile. And I could feel the fatigue hitting after Nicyouwen's item. I had to carry on for JesEug's item, I knew I had to. Yet, as the music started playing, I felt myself zoning out. Throughout the item, all I could think of was "omg i need to get this over and done". Barely surviving the first 2 songs, the 3rd song was a total disaster. Somehow my mind shut down at the start of the 3rd song, & I panicked & forgot a few steps. I wanted to kill myself at that point in time, it was as though everything was about to crash and burn right on the spot. After the item, I seriously took it upon myself that it was my fault for forgetting the steps. And to make matters worse, I was in the center, and right in the front. I felt so bad and guilty towards myself & JesEug. I couldn't bring myself to be happy after that, everything else was a pretence and deep inside I knew I was feeling so down. Even though Eugene Wc and the rest tried to comfort me, I knew I disappointed myself that night. Then, I saw Glenn's tweet. It really helped me alot & I really thank him for that tweet. Dancers are humans afterall. I told myself I'll be better on the 2nd day, I promised myself. 

On the second day of performance, tech run went pretty well for all the items (partly because everyone was fooling around), and it boosted a bit of my confidence again. I was geared up for the show again. I kept repeating in my head not to forget steps, not to forget steps. In a split second, it was showtime. During the prayers, a sudden bolt hit me & I felt tears coming. But I couldn't let it flow, it was way too early. Emotions were all around, it was oddly nerve wrecking. Shortly after was the show itself. Standing backstage together with the rest gave me confidence, I felt ready. It was a different feeling altogether on the 2nd day. As we ran onto stage and into our starting position, I immediately felt everyone's presence. The striking moment was when we started doing broken-hearted on the floor, the head shaking motion and tapping of the feet. Like how rachew put it, it was as though 'my mind dissociated with the body', I was just dancing. Dancing for the pure sake of the music. I felt something being lifted off my chest and from the back of my mind. I couldn't think of anything else but dance and music. It was then I truly felt it deep inside. It was such a momentous moment during the dance I was trying so hard to control myself from bursting into tears. When we did the steps for the 3rd song, I could feel everyone's energy together with me, and during the chorus I did the steps with full conviction and the genuine smile was there. It was not fake, nor pretentious. It was a genuine smile from my heart and to feel it there and then opened up my heart to dance on a whole new level. When we stood in our ending position, I was feel tears coming. And when everyone chorused the song together, I choked up. I knew I had to control, I had another item right after. Nicyouwen's item was done on pure adrenaline from the previous item, & I could feel myself truly enjoying the item, 100%. The steps didn't matter, the heart overtook my body. 

Then it came to JesEug again. I was afraid, to be honest, that history would repeat itself. When the song came on, I told myself, just do it and forget everything that happened. I felt it again. And on a stronger level because this item means alot to me as well. It's the item that has struggled so, so much to piece together, with the small number and lack of guidance from experienced seniors. We worked really really hard for the item, the clean ups that always didn't seem to work, the times JesEug were upset and disappointed. All these ran through my mind just before I went up. Once the music started, nothing mattered anymore. Suddenly nothing mattered. I just wanted to dance. To express that part of me through dance. I didn't feel 1% of stress, I felt a 100% of emotions. The steps came out so naturally it literally became a part of me. Again, I felt everyone with me, we were a team. A team that has grown up together, a team that stood by each other and watched each other grow. From a team that people looked down upon to a team that stole the show. During the dance, fatigue did not matter anymore. Even as we progressed on to the third song, all I thought was dance, music, dance. I could feel that intricate connection made with the music, it was burning inside. Straight after the song ended, the feeling was too much to bear. JesEug broke down in tears, and so did many of the rest. I kept it in, I couldn't allow myself to break down there and then. Emotions were overbearing at that point in time because we could feel each other and how each one of us felt. The tears of relief, of joy, of perfection all came out. I've never felt anything like this before. Never in my years of dance journey. It was something so precious that thinking of it now makes me tear up so bad. 

Dance is a totally different meaning for me now. I really thank the people that I've worked with, it's been an awesome journey to remember. Everyone has inspired me so so much. All the encouragements i've gotten, the downfalls I've been through, the experience of a lifetime is done. This opened up a new chapter of my dance life, it's the start of something new and I cannot wait for the rest of the chapters to slowly, but surely to unfold. I love dance. 

Feeling so vulnerable that it kills the insides of me. The anguish and excruciating thoughts, the tormenting feelings that jerked nothing back but painful memories, the humungous waves of loneliness and seclusion. 

I hate feeling this way. Need to build a stronger wall than this.