It's time to update my blog! Since graduating is a life event, and it was a childhood dream to graduate from university. Societal expectations, you see. I've not had a goal in life that I wanna achieved and thought of after uni graduation. Shall upload one photo which received an overwhelm number of likes on fb. After seeing the number of likes, I started regretting uploading it and adding a filter to it. It's prettier than real life. Sigh. Gives the wrong impression man. I rather hear "you look better in person" rather than "wow you're really photogenic", or worse, "you look better in photos!"

Anw I've started working alr. I like working more than studying. Studying is endless while work ends in the office. I don't have to bring it home and I love this feeling! I was just mentioning this to yj and she said she didn't miss school too. Except for the part where we could wear slippers and shorts to school. I love dressing up for work! :p spent a lot of money on clothes too :/ I should stop this soon.

Maybe I should go and sign up for some course. Cos I'm too free.

friends

always make my day better :)

though i know A LOT of friends who care a lot dont read my blog, cos i havent updated for a long long time, i really thank you from the bottom of my heart, for being there when i need you. so far, five friends knew, four of whom are overseas, but all gave me overwhelming care for me. thank you very very much. i'm really very touched and really fortunate to be able to meet all these friends who havent left me despite my self-centredness, childishness (at times) and being understanding. thank you for offering me places to go to when i have none to go to and, if not, alternative solutions to what can be done. thank you loves. i've never felt touched as this before.

thank you, thank you, and thank you.

p.s. btw why majority of my best friends are overseas? and they dont really wanna work in sg. oh man.

life's never fair

Would you accept a transgender as Miss Singapore Universe?
By Daniel Teo | Yahoo! Newsroom – Wed, Apr 25, 2012



A transgender as Miss Singapore Universe?

That could happen next year as the Miss Universe organisation confirmed its controversial rule change to allow transgender women to vie for their respective countries’ crowns.

And the rule will apply for Miss Singapore Universe, which is set to have their last natural-born female-only competition this August.

While Singapore has become more accepting of homosexuality and even sex change, the latest push of social boundaries has raised many eyebrows.

Singaporeans have expressed mixed views, with some insisting the competition should only allow  “naturally-born females” while others believe transgender women deserve a fair chance and that a more open mindset should be adopted.

So are you willing to accept a transgender as Miss Singapore Universe?

no. simply because it'll hurt the women's ego. a lot of them are really prettier than natural-born-females, me included, duh.

desperation

i've never been the most easy going person on earth. i had a big fight last saturday. i got off the car in the middle of the road, in the middle of the night, when public transport stopped their services.when he stopped to turn around and scold me. i know i shouldnt have done that. but i really couldnt stand his nagging, especially when it's really really a nag. he just wont stop harping on how i should study hard and all. there's this thing about nagging that makes my heart "stop a beat". it's as if i have a phobia towards nagging, especially when it comes from him. i tried stopping him, but he wouldnt stop. i spoke louder, and louder, almost screaming in a plea to ask him to stop. but he viewed it as a challenge against him. whatever the case was, anger took the better of us and he stopped by the road, and turned around to scold me. and he gave me a slap. well, it's not like the slap really hurt that much. i didnt really put much meaning into the slap anyways. what really made me got off the car was what he said. i dont remember what he said. but i know that getting off the car was my challenge against him.

of cos, he exploded when i got off the car. i could hear him shouting and scolding me inside the car even as i stormed away from the car, towards the bus stop. i heard her calling my name as i was perhaps 50m away from the car, but i continued walking. my poor mummy had to walk a hundred metres to get to me. by then i was crying. and she had to put in some efforts to get me back into the car. but i can tell she really loves me alot. that's the only reason why i got back into the car. if not she would be the one receiving all the nasty stuff from him. as i was crying and wailing like a mad woman on the streets, mummy said "i believe you". three simple words, is enough to let me know how much she believes and trusts me. she's way more understanding than him. he thinks that the whole world is against him. he should go and face the wall and reflect on his thoughts, actions and attitude. just like how my attitude sucks, his didnt suck any lesser.

i wouldnt have returned to the car if not for mummy, since i had enough cash, and as i was walking towards the bus stop, i was already thinking of the alternative plans which i could do. given that time of the night, there were no more public transport. since i left the car, the last place i wanna return to was, sadly, home. and the first place i thought of was surprisingly NUS, cos utown is available 24hours. i could take a cab, since i just withdrew some money, still have my credit and debit cards, laptop (so that i can still listen to my webcasts), laptop adaptor, phone and keys (practically everything that i need for this period of time) with me. i could sleep in NUS for the night and think of my next step after sleeping. i must have been desperate. if not these stuff would not have come to mind so quickly.

anyway, i got back the car, what a big dent to my ego. that's what love (for my mummy, that is) is capable of doing? lol and obviously he continued with his crap. i'm not a very critical person to begin with. but whatever that left his mouth could be counter-argued, if i hadnt kept my mouth shut. i was really grateful that my mum countered once, while he was blabbering his nonsense. she said "you had been at her age before, and you should have known better and understood better more than anyone else how she is feeling". oh wells, being a kaypoh, i've read before that in parenting children, when one parent is scolding the kid, the other should keep his mouth shut. that was the kind of parenting style that my parents had adopted. and so i was really grateful that my mum and stood up for me, even though it was just one counter-argument. and thinking back, she has never ever reprimanded me, ever since i was old enough to think for myself, for the things that i've done. the only thing that she felt that i could do better was to be less like him, character/personality-wise. that's why we always get into arguments because our character clashes. i never knew how to sweet talk and whine like other girls do to their dads.

he is the only person who makes me cry till my eyes get swollen. he is the only person who is able to activate my insensitive tear glands and make tears flow like a waterfall. he shouldnt be making me cry. he should be the one protecting me, holding my hand and tell me "it's okay, no matter what shit the world throws at you, i'll never throw shit at you". but he doesmt. instead he'll say "if you call this shit, wait till you go outside and see the real shit". no, up till now, the shit that the world had thrown at me hadnt been as bad as what you had described. i rather work for someone else, than work for you. working for you is the worst job i ever have done. ppl dont just throw shit at me. at least they took time to explain and showed me around because i was a new to their working environment. it's not like they took me by hand, but i adapted pretty alright to the working environment. working for you is like someone putting me in the middle of the desert - helpless. i naively believed you in the past. but after working, i really feel happier working for some other companies.

i know i portray a too happy-go-lucky, too carefree, too mindless image. but i guess you dont understand or know me at all. you think of me as a "bad" girl. you think of me as someone as useless as those two bums. sorry to tell you that you're wrong. the two bums are in no way good comparable for me. and why is it that you can praise others, yet not see any value or praise-worthy characteristics of me? frankly speaking, i have a pretty high self-esteem, and i think i'm more praise-worthy than you think i am.

you keep saying my wings are harder now and i keep trying to fly away. perhaps you're right. i only wished i was born a bird, so that it is mandatory for me to fly away one day. being born a singaporean, conforming to the singaporeans' norm and way of life, the only way for me to "fly away" is for me to get married, and have a residence of my own. singles still stay with the family, and it isnt common, i guess, for singles to be staying alone on their own. now that i'll be graduating soon, i'll start to plan after i get a job. employers are the ones picking me, not the other way round since i dont have fantastic CAP. not that it really bothers me, since the second uppers are still seeking for jobs too. job market isnt thattt fantastic this year. so anything goes.

for the whole of sunday, i couldnt really talk nor speak about it. i spoke few words throughout the day too. i was still tearing when i first started listening to david ho's webcast in the morning. wtf. it was only yesterday (monday) that i felt better, but i still quarreled with my sister over this issue. she prolly thinks i'm selfish, but i could have been more selfish that what i had done. anyways, i told mx about it yesterday and mx said that next time i could just go over to her house if i ever leave my home to make sure that i wont be in any "danger". what a bad friend. such an offer only makes me more confidence when i quarrel and think about leaving home.

just now, he just switched off all the lights, knowing that i'm still in the living room. he is ignoring me. yes, it hurts. but, oddly, it was liberating. i rather he not care bout what i am doing. his love is suffocating. i cant handle it.

now, i cant wait to graduate so that i earn my own keep. i can "pay" off my debts. i can buy a lot of new clothes. i can stop receiving money from my parents. only when i start working will my wings be properly defined. i'm very tired of being restrained and having to think about what my parents like or dislike about my way of life. i know if they'll probably be hurt if they read whatever is written in this post, but i'm already 23 this year. that's overprotection! please, let me go. i'm the stupid kid who wouldnt learn through others experience. the more you try to protect me, the more you're actually harming me. enough is enough.

a childhood dream

!! blogger changed it's interface! it feels so alien.. all the more it'll deter me from not blogging (not like i blog often).

anyways, was skyping with liting and we were re-visiting our past. it was sooo embarrassing and funny, tracking our growth since secondary. it was really embarrassing to look at my 2003 posts in my first blog on blogspot. my second blog was in xanga. and this is my third, and most probably my final one. there's one more shared blog on LJ, but it was given up after some time. lol.

anyways, going for my pointe lesson in one hour's time! SUPER excited! like a kid! i was showing my pointe shoes to liting and we both agree how funny i am to be excited over my pointe shoes. i know it's kinda dumb to be so excited. but i cant contain my excitement. ballet is the thing that i wanna do since young. very young. and i tried time and again to persuade my mum in signing me up for ballet lesson. and believe me, i was still trying to persuade even when i was in sec 3. and i do wonder, if i'll still be doing what i am doing if they had signed me up since i was really young. perhaps, i might not be doing tertiary education, perhaps i'll still be in NUS, but not run for rovers and gone to join dance CCAs. i guess the latter is more realistic. i did join synergy in year 1, but didnt continue cos it was too hard to blend into a group of dancers with background. i had none. and i'm not trained physically nor mentally to coordinate my limbs properly. even after four years of ballet, i'm still having troubles coordinating my limbs. actually, that's not the point. my point is, i'm finally going en pointe (it rhymes!). it feels miraculous! to have my own shoes, to finally be able to go en pointe! it's almost like a dream come true!

for a long time, i thought i stopped dreaming. and i thought my only childhood dreams were to become a uni grad, and trek mountains. until a couple of weeks back. when joni announced that i was eligible to go en pointe! i was pleasantly surprised! and i started getting excited like a little kid. even though i was supposed to be rushing for my fyp that week, i couldnt care less and went to hunt for my shoes a couple of days after the lesson. i even went to four shops in order to find the pair that fits my short feet. my sister was commenting how i might do better in my studies if i were half as enthusiastic in studying as i am in ballet. but, doing well in school is just an act that conforms to the society's standard. i dont dislike studying at all. it's just that studying is not what i love best, especially examinations. digressing a bit, i really enjoyed doing my case study. it was smth that i liked, and i cant understand why so many ppl grumble about doing their fyp. like, seriously, shouldnt you be choosing a topic which interests you best? i'm did smth which i'm interested in, and i enjoyed doing what i did. and i probably was kind of luck to be assigned my supervisor, tay kay poh. no idea if he's dr tay or mr tay.. he's an adjunct prof who has an office, which doesnt have a door plate with his name on it.

anyways, i'm glad that i didnt have to do anything which is extremely against my liking. i'm enjoyed doing my fyp, and i'm enjoying my ballet lessons. and i cant wait to go en pointe tonight!!

my first pair of pointe shoes, which unfortunately didnt belong to me. 

it was two sizes too small. i got 3.5xxxx, for my broad feet. after going to lesson last week, joni was exclaiming how she wanted a pair of grishko. it is made in russia. i must go russia one day and watch ballet performance there too! and this is a super expensive pair of shoes! cost me over $100 for the ribbons, elastic, toe pads and crotchet pads! no wonder ballet is expensive. before this, nothing was expensive. the leotards only cost twenty over and lasted for years, and the ballet flats didnt even cost more than $15 and lasted for at least two years. 

still excited!!