how far we've come... & the job

I was perusing through some of my old blog posts today as I was feeling rather nostalgic for some reason. Today, I was sitting at church and I realized that I was sitting alone, clapping singing and praising along and feeling completely and totally comfortable. A year ago, it PAINED me to sit at church alone. I remember the first time I did it and how I continually wiped the involuntary tears that kept dripping from my eyes. It was a constant reminder of my new found and unwanted relationship status (aka. the box you check on forms like single, divorced, widowed, separated).

 I cannot even believe how far I have come in less than a year and a half from the fear, anxiety and overwhelming heavy sadness that plagued me at the thought of school and routine last year. It breaks my heart to read about the pain we were all enduring this time last year...

Last August's posts

But, also makes me feel triumphant at the progress we all have made.

Also, I  noticed I lost weight and toned myself considerably compared to last year's summer photos. So, that is just an added bonus.

-----------------------------------------------

Irrelevant photo to ease transition to next topic:

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I wanted to share a little about my job I briefly mentioned in the last blog post.

I have been praying, seeking God's guidance, in the area of my life related to how I spend my time. I was in a pretty selfish comfort zone right now during school time spending a couple hours at the gym working out and socializing with my friends several times a week.  I was also volunteering some at church a couple times a month and once a week in the school library. Still, my afternoons were spent shopping and wasting countless hours on the Internet or whatever else was relatively unproductive. I knew this is not honoring to God. I knew that I needed to do something to become a more contributing member of society whether it be volunteering more or becoming gainfully employed.

In God's perfect timing, a job literally fell into my lap. I was speaking to a friend about a position she just received at a local grade school as an admin assistant working only hours the kids are in school and part time. I said the next time she found out about a job like that to send it my way. She sent me an email that night showing me reqs for all the schools in my district. So, I inquired and received a request for an interview the same day. After the interview, I was offered the job a couple hours later if I wanted it. They were going to cancel the interviews they had the next week if I was interested. So, I prayed about it and called my mom to ask her opinion. The job should be low stress and perfect hours for my situation. However, it is very VERY low pay and will do little to supplement our financial situation. It may extend my 5 year plan to keep going status quo to a 6 year plan (I am 1 year into the plan now). My mom told me that if I didn't NEED the money right now, she thought I would be crazy to pass it up for the hours and for the possibility of what else could come from it in the future within the school district or within the community through connections I may make. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I just looked at it as something that wasn't worth disrupting my very comfortable status quo for very little money. I thought my mom would tell me I was crazy for taking a job like that when my degree and experience qualified me for something much more challenging with much better pay. I liked her perspective and felt it was a very God-honoring one, so I took the job.

I have a couple training and introductory sessions that I will attend the next couple weeks until I start more officially on the first day of school - August 18th. I am becoming more excited about it. At first I resented it as another inevitable step towards being a single parent who also has to work (realizing, of course, that I am BEYOND BLESSED I have not had to and don't HAVE to for a while). But, as Brian always did, I realize my response to this is a choice. I CHOOSE to enter this job excited about the possibility of the lives God will have me impact and of the lives that can impact mine. I CHOOSE to honor God and do the best I can possibly do as if I am serving HIM. Honoring and serving my employer with the same joy and dedication that I would serve Him is His command for us.

Colossions 3:23: Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men...

3/23 is my birthday, so I consider this MY verse. I just didn't know how relevant it would be until this past month. I love how God works like that.

KEEP BELIEVING

getting mad at the dead

So, I've been getting mad at Brian the last couple days. I freely admit this because I realize it is normal and doesn't make me an evil person with terrible thoughts. It doesn't discount the relationship I had with Brian and it doesn't show him disrespect.

I received news recently that a lady I know through friends, who has this really cool business (that's her family in the pic) recently moved to Singapore. While back in the states this summer with her family, Joe, her husband who works for Cat, tragically, suddenly and unexpectedly died in the presence of some of his family while preparing to run a 5K in Florida. Very young, late 30s, healthy man. Heart attack. All their belongings are in Singapore. They have no home and no car in the states. They have 4 children ages 5 to  9. Their families are all from Ohio. They have lived in Peoria for years prior to moving to Singapore.

And I could SOOO totally relate, but then not at all. I had time to prepare for Brian's death. He was sick and it was coming and we were warned about it. She had no warning. I can relate to all your belongings being in another country and having no home and no car. We were living in Canada when Brian went in for surgery, yet came out never performing many of the basic functions of life normally again. All our belongings were in another country. Brian never returned. I can relate to having no home and no car and relying completely on those around you just to help you do basic life duties, but not to the degree that she is experiencing this right now. Not even a fraction.

So my first reaction is immediate empathy for this woman and her kids and what I know they are about to endure. And all the life-changing huge decisions that will need to be made and some of them quickly. And all the uncertainty when just trying to hard to hold it together for the sake of the kids. And just trying to determine where home is on top of it all. And my experiences in all these events are a fraction of what she is about to endure. But, I can relate and I want to just hold her hand and help her, but it isn't for me to do.

My second reaction was anger at Joe. Yes, you read that correctly. I was mad because how dare he die like that when they had a plan. They have a good life and a plan for their future. Now what?

And then I got mad at Brian for the same reasons. We had a plan. We were very financially responsible and had a plan for college and retirement and had mutually agreed-upon goals and lifestyles. We HAD A PLAN! And after living for the past year like nothing has really happened except handling grief and making room in my heart for a potential new relationship and clearing up the emotional air, things are starting to change. I am going to work part time this fall. I am going to have to re-prioritize my gym and work out time and life in general. Grant and Gavin are playing separate fall sports and will require oodles of running here and there. This was not part of the plan. Angie staying home was the plan. A mom and a dad to split the parenting was part of the plan. It makes me kinda mad. How dare Brian die in the middle of the plan?!

And the garage is a mess. I got mad at Brian the other day because I don't want to deal with the garage mess. I don't want to deal with the expired fertilizers and 15 bottles of nearly empty oil and bug killers, etc. That was never my job. I don't want the garage to be added to my already too big pile of crap to do. I DON'T WANT IT! Yes, I realize I sound like a 2 year old. I'm okay with that. I don't want to remember when the stupid van needs an oil change. I don't want to HAVE to mow the lawn because no one else is here to do it especially when I am packing and preparing for a 5 day trip, yet knowing it needs to be done before we leave for that 5-day trip. Life wasn't designed for one person to handle everything. This wasn't the plan. And for some reason the last few days, probably accentuated by the recent news of the family above, I have been getting resentful of my situation and mentally throwing a temper tantrum instead of just handling it like I began doing even before Brian died. I'm mad.

I guess grief still comes up and haunts you at unexpected times even when you seem to be doing really well. I should know that.

So today, I went to the cemetery for a spell. I threw my mental and emotional temper tantrum and told Brian and the air and the ground that I was mad. I cried and talked out loud a bit saying, "This isn't the life I signed up for. This wasn't part of the plan!" Then, I wiped my face and drove home.

Later, I'll mow the lawn.

Because, in the end, this is my life. I have to live it.

KEEP BELIEVING

What you can do for us

I would like to start this post off by saying, WOW!!!

As you may or may not know, Brian and I come from large families. Between the two of us, we have over 50 first cousins. FIRST COUSINS. We have over 30 aunts and uncles. We have cousins with kids and kids of cousins with kids. We have friends from all over the country and beyond (eh?). We have a large church. We have groups within our church. We have amazing neighbors. We have co-workers. We are blessed with PEOPLE in our lives. Then there is this whole thing called the BLOGGING world. There are real people I have never met that read this blog and people that we have not seen in years that read this blog. I didn't know the extent of this until just this week. I mean, I knew, but I didn't KNOW, you know?

And everyone wants to know what, if anything, they can do for us. WOW!!!

I am getting bombarded with phone calls, emails, texts, facebook messages, comments, etc. asking what anyone can do.

I am coming to a place in my life that I realize people WANT to do. My mom has told me that if I do not let people DO for me, I rob them of the joy they receive from DOING. So, I am learning to accept help. I am learning that I can ease my burden when I allow others to enter my life and do something that makes them feel good.

In order to help with this difficult time, there are several avenues that anyone can take. Please, PLEASE do not take this as a solicitation for ANYTHING. This is actually very awkward and uncomfortable for me.

Practical:

Brian's first cousin Karye Setterlund has agreed to be a contact point for all things practical - meals, errands, groceries, insurance, cleaning, etc.

Here is her contact information if you are interested in helping in any of these areas:

Karye Setterlund

karyes@cmcousa.com

309-691-6930 (home)

309-922-9239 (cell)

I am keeping in close contact with her as needed each day as far as what meals we need (none right now) rides for the kids, groceries, errands, etc. This will ease my phone burden which is heavy some days.

A few tips, though:

• If you bring a meal, disposable dishes are most appreciated. OR please be willing to come back and get your plate - forgiving me if it is not clean when you arrive.


• I don't care about brands on anything unless I specify.


• I do not use any particular brand of laundry detergent - whatever is on sale.


• If we are not home at the time you came for whatever reason right now, it is cool enough to leave just about anything outside for a while. I check the front porch frequently as I find treasure there from little angels frequently.


• Be patient with me and thank yous. I am historically bad at this and right now, I am scatter-brained. Please give your information to Karye so I can thank you properly, though,

Encouragement:

Please know that I am reading the comments. Every last one of them. Sometimes I have time to reply. Sometimes I do not. I am trying, but some days it is overwhelming. The emails coming in for me to relay to Brian - I have to admit - do not always get relayed. I get distracted. I read them, but then delete them to keep the inbox clean and forget the details. If anyone wants to send Brian a specific note, please feel free to email this account we have set up:

brianoneill1972@yahoo.com

Brian's brother, Sean is going to monitor it regularly, print out any and all notes for Brian and bring them to us. A hard copy is still best for ensuring we read these wonderful words together. Or if you would rather send us an actual card or letter, please feel free. You can email the above address and Sean can get your our address or you can email me and I can do it if you don't have it. Every time we get a letter from someone that describes how Brian touched their lives, I see him shrug - like what did I do? I am just being me. I have told him the amount of people he has impacted has surprised even me who knows and understands how amazing he is.

You can continue to send me emails and comments for encouragement. I also facebook (Angie Baer O'Neill) if you are looking for me there. I read every single letter, etc. from everyone. I have to tell you I find great comfort in hearing from other widows. It is strange, but it lets me know that I can do it. That the boys and I will and can be okay. They are also incredibly honest. Something I strive to be. I don't want anything sugar coated.

THE KIDS:

I am trying to keep things as normal for the kids as possible right now. I do not want to shower them with gifts and sweets and other things to ease the pain as I do not want them learning to turn to such things for comfort. I want them to face their fears and grief, address them and work through them with me or whomever else can help them. This is NOT to say that an occasional pack of gum, action figure, video game, trip to the Spotted Cow or a movie isn't a nice gesture. I just don't want it to get overwhelming and I don't want to draw more attention to them than already is. Playdates are good. Letting kids come here on good days keeps things normal for them so they feel comfortable in their own house and letting them know our house is open to friends is important to me. Some days, though, they just need to get out - to get away from the visitors and the hub-bub. Grant is home every afternoon at 11:00, so I think I am going to try to set up once or twice a week playdates with friends and cousins (hello Brody) to give him something else to focus on.

Financial:

Please, PLEASE do not take this as a solicitation for ANYTHING. This is actually very awkward and uncomfortable for me, but many of you have asked.

I am in the process of establishing some sort of a fund/trust in Brian's name. I am meeting with a friend/advisor to assist with this on Friday. The fund would be used primarily to help with the children's education and well-being including medical and dental coverage, etc that we will lose in the event of Brian's death. For those of you who don't know, Brian was diagnosed with this disease only one month after we were married, so we have only the life insurance available through his work. Brian and I are very smart and frugal with our money. We live within our means and do not do anything extravagant. This fund would simply allow us to continue to do that for as long as necessary until I could find the right job or pursue the best avenue for employment that is best for the children and me in the event of Brian's death.

My main goal is to keep things stable and secure for the kids. I do not want to make any rash decisions about jobs and moving out of panic. The economy is not the best right now. I would never allow the children to lose this house and our livelihood. I would do whatever it took to maintain that. The generosity that many of you have already bestowed upon us is helping that to be a reality without drastic measure. Mind you, though, I would take drastic measures if need be. However, I know that for the next X number of months or years, my boys will need me. They will benefit from the security of my being the one to get them to school and get them home from school. They will be dealing with not having a daddy around to play sports with and to read to them and to watch them when they learn a new trick or score a goal or catch a fly ball. This breaks my heart and I know it will be painful to them as other dads are helping coach, practicing with their kids, assisting with homework, or simply cheering on the sideline. I want to fill as many gaps as I can, especially in the near term if possible.

I would also like to be able to do charitable things in Brian's name and memory if God allows. We have been blessed a couple times by such organizations and nothing would give Brian more pleasure than being able to bless someone else in our situation some day.

So once again, PLEASE DO NOT THINK I AM ASKING FOR FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some have told me they have prayed specifically about this and as awkward as it is for both of us, who are we to deny God's nudging? I prayed for financial provision. I didn't pray for it to be anonymous. I should have been more specific. I think God is trying to teach me something about humbleness and gratitude.

I have to say it again - PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS AS A SOLICITATION FOR FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE. PLEASE! Economic times are rough. We are currently blessed. There are many blessing us each day as I write this now. There are many who do not have what we have now, and who will never have what we will continue to have even when Brian does pass. So, I can't shake the guilt of this regardless. Please know, though, that should you feel lead in this way, integrity is not something I would ever compromise in any aspect of my life - financial included. Does that make sense?

Karye is the contact for this as well.

Whew, I said it..... And I lived.... Okay....Breathe....

Visits/Phone calls:

There are so many that want to visit, see or talk to Brian. This is to be expected and we encourage it. You read above that we have large families, so crowds to us are nothing new. Due to this, though, we cannot guarantee that there may not be someone else here when any one person or group is visiting with Brian or me. I like people. I need people, family and friends surrounding me and supporting me. They distract me, make me laugh, comfort me when I cry and fill the gap when I can't make it across the gorge. Please know that if the visits are too much, I WILL SAY SO, so don't feel like you are over-imposing. I will be honest. I will do what is best for Brian, the kids and me. In saying that, though, we have a two story and a basement. If the best thing for Brian is quiet and solitude, but not for me, I can still have visitors retreat with me to the dungeon. I am learning that this process is not just about Brian. It is about all of us.

Okay, back to the point. I will still be the contact person for visits for Brian. Please don't feel like you are overwhelming me right now. Visits during the day are pretty good actually, as Gavin is at school and Brian is more alert. Monday and Tuesday evenings are not good as we have soccer. Any other evening is doable, but we will not overdo this because it also can cut into our family time that we are cherishing right now.

I know weekends are best for many due to work, travel, etc. So, PLEASE DO NOT FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T COME OVER FOR A VISIT IF SOMEONE ELSE IS HERE. We do not know how much time Brian has remaining and weekends are the only option for many. That is just the way it is. If anyone is uncomfortable with that, just know it isn't coming from us.

AND I WILL SAY ENOUGH IF I FEEL IT IS ENOUGH. I am being honest. I told my girlfriend the other day that I needed her gone by 1:30 because hospice was coming for the first time. I hated saying goodbye to her, but I had to do it. I told some friends the other day that I needed them gone by 12:30. It was hard, but not as hard as the first time. I called a friend and cancelled a dinner plan tomorrow night because I have felt overwhelmed this week. It wasn't THAT BAD. I told my MIL I wanted her to come at 10:00 tomorrow so I could have the majority of the day to myself since Grant has a playdate. It felt good. So, really, I will say enough is enough. I am getting good at it.

Best hours for a visit:

10:00am to 3:00pm

not good: Monday and Tuesday evenings.

Other decent times:

weekends, evenings 4-7 W-F.

Best hours for phone calls:

10:00-4:00 Mon-Tues

10:00 - 7:00 Wed - Sunday

Brian is a man of few words right now. He is having some speech issues so I try to help out as much as possible, but most phone conversations are brief.

That about sums it up. I feel like a pushy, bossy, demanding little thing, but I think this is what people were looking for. If I offended anyone, I didn't mean to, but I can't apologize right now.

KEEP BELIEVING

some prayers answered

Okay, so we have made some progress the latter half of the week.

Brian and I met for about 2-1/2 hours yesterday with his employer understand this voluntary package and what it means for us. They had just received word that those on short term leave were eligible which is why they called us and wanted us to know about the package. They had an obligation to ensure we were aware, but the deadlines were already in place. Thanks to their time and efforts, I feel very informed to make an informed and detailed decision. It is a great package for anyone close to retiring or anyone that was considering changing employers or has something else in the works or was considering leaving the company anyway. It makes incredible sense for us if we think Brian would not survive the year. About this time next year, it breaks even for us and becomes a bad decision after about one year. So, basically taking the package means betting against Brian's survival in so many words. We have decided to put our names in as eligible knowing we have some time to take our names out. If we didn't put our names in as eligible by Monday, it would not be an option at all. This gives us some time to monitor Brian's progress and make some decisions based on that. If we get some devastating test results, knowing we are down to our last treatment option, that would lead us toward taking the package. If not, I personally, would not bet against Brian at any point in time. While we have never talked to his doctor about exactly how long he expected Brian to survive, I would venture to guess he is surprised to see Brian still kicking it as he is. Who are any of us to assume how long he will continue to do exactly that?

Regardless, we have a few more weeks to think about it. If Brian deteriorates in that time, this could be the answer to some more financial security for me and the boys. If he does not, then it could be the answer to his healing. Regardless, it is a prayer answered in some way.

That being said, we have also made progress with the chemotherapy. Not to bore you with the details, but some angels that I don't want to mention because they are doing us a large favor are making it happen and we are extremely grateful. Brian will undergo chemo this Monday - Avastin and Carboplatin. We are paying for some of it out of pocket, but our portion is very affordable so far. The insurance won't budge. At this point in time, it doesn't matter, though. That prayer has been answered.

Brian is doing okay. We have had to have some very difficult discussions regarding his condition, his outcome and our feelings about the future. It is difficult and emotional, but we both know that we have to think both ways and be as objective as we can about what will happen if he survives or if he doesn't.

Brian's right side seems to be getting just a tad weaker. He is starting to fall or nearly fall more and more. Walking is becoming more challenging at times. He is way too proud to use any sort of assistive device, though. I respect whatever he wants as long as he is safe. I am so thankful for the disabled parking placard. It has really helped a lot these last few months. He pushes through all of this, though, with a good attitude.

We switched his anti-seizure medication from generic to name brand again. Brian has had no vomiting and little feelings of dizziness since Sunday. We made the switch on Tuesday. So, this is very encouraging. This is a prayer answered.

I have been so much more at peace the last couple days. That is a prayer answered.

Thank you to those joining us in prayer.

KEEP BELIEVING

Next Steps

Today we went into Brian's office together to clean it out of personal items. He is officially on long term disability now and rightfully so. As with every step we have recently taken, it was much harder on me than on Brian.

Brian said some things to a few co-workers and gathered one box of personal belongings. Belongings that will probably sit in a box untouched for an indefinite amount of time. It was hard to decide what to say to each co-worker. Some of these co-workers are long time friends. Friends that are agonizing while witnessing their friend become more ill.

Brian and his Dad, who worked for Cat for over 35 years.

I took my first steps with reaching out to Caterpillar HR. They are compiling financial and benefit information on my behalf - life insurance, cobra amounts, pension numbers, etc. The financial impact of Brian's health on me and boys is my biggest concern. This concern is compounded right now with the economic crisis in our country. We have lost over 40% of our savings. We are also under-life-insured for a family of 4 with a stay at home Mom. My degree is in Engineering Management, but I have always worked in areas of accounting. Accounting has changed drastically due to the collapse of Enron, World Com, etc. with most companies demanding an accounting degree and CPA or CMA after one's name. Re-entering the workforce with a salary to support my boys in a job that doesn't require 10-12 hour days as a single mom, with the meager savings we have remaining and the 3X Brian's salary in life insurance (he was diagnosed 1 month after we were married making adding life insurance impossible) is the ONE thing (or many things, I guess) that grips me with fear.



I would be remiss not to mention at this point in time what an amazing employer Brian has had the privilege of serving. Caterpillar has treated Brian with the utmost dignity and respect. While dignity and respect are well-deserved by Brian, many employers would have shut the door on Brian at the first signs of his illness. Eleven and a half years ago, when Brian was first diagnosed, Brian had JUST been transferred to Denver with Caterpillar. I wrote of it here. In those three years, our medical benefits were outstanding. We had to wrestle with claims a few times, but in the end, everything was always covered. All surgeries, all second opinions, all treatments, everything. Caterpillar is self-insured. Throughout the years, as medical costs sky-rocket (thank you malpractice suits), Cat has had to cut back on benefit coverage - raising premiums, adding deductibles, increasing co-pays and out of pocket expenses. Each time, it has been in essence a pay cut for us due to Brian's serious illness. However, each time, the benefits are still better than probably 75% of Americans. We know we are blessed in that regard.



After 4 years of remission, Cat took a chance on Brian in 2005 when they offered him a promotion and a new job in Canada. We snatched up the offer and felt very confident that we were on our way to the next phase of life with cancer safely behind us. While that was not to be the case, I do believe anyone that worked with Brian the 2 years he was in Edmonton, Canada, would say he was a true asset to the organization and it was entirely worth the time and effort to have him there. He loved his job, loved the people, loved his products, and loved his company.



When Brian needed surgery in April 2007 and we were living in Canada, Cat was beyond accommodating assisting with an expedient move back to the States, transportation to and from the hospital in Brian's fragile condition, etc. Since then, they have always found a place for Brian in the organization. They have always tried to best utilize his skill set within his limitations while ensuring he stayed sharp and challenged without undue stress.


In short, they have been amazing.


And now, as we are unsure about the future and unsure about the timing of what may come next, they are kicking into high gear to do the leg work for me. They are once again, going above and beyond to make this as easy on us as possible.



Say what you will about big yellow, in my book, Caterpillar is one hell of a top notch company. I am honored to have worked there for a few years and I know Brian is proud to display the Caterpillar name across half his wardrobe.



Caterpillar is just one of the many blessings we have been counting lately. Today, as Brian packed his box, I felt compelled to acknowledge that.



KEEP BELIEVING