Collateral Beauty

I haven't been here for a while, but felt the need to check in recently, as so much has changed. Quick update on life, if you don't follow me on Facebook and/or Instagram-I have a niece, Amina, who is 7.5 months old now. She's brought a new joy to my life that I never thought was possible. With that, came more triggers that I fully expected...but I'm managing pretty well, I think. I have a new(ish) partner named Lucien, who I've been with for over two years now. I have a new(ish) job at a different university not far from my last. I've been there for over a year now. I'm applying to graduate school and should start in the fall, assuming I'm accepted. Nursing or medical school has always been my dream, but financially, I couldn't make it happen. Therefore, my plan B is to move up in higher education and my graduate degree will help me to advance in my field. This last year has been a clusterfuck of emotions, so I've been all over the place, but I'm starting to feel like everything is settling down...for now. Lucien and I bought tickets to Thailand for September, so I'm definitely looking forward to that. It will be my first real vacation outside of the country. I don't count my few hours in Canada to get a tattoo and the Caribbean cruise I went on a few years ago. This is a big step for Lucien and I, considering I've never traveled outside of the country with a partner before. I guess you could say it's getting pretty serious. We introduced our families to each other and traveled to the other side of the country together to visit his, so I'm definitely invested in this man. I look forward to making new memories together and going on many more adventures with him.

Yesterday, Lucien's car was broken into for the second time since we've been together. After a messy weekend last week, I decided to give up alcohol for a while, but that decision didn't last very long. I wanted to cheer up Lucien by having a movie and wine night. We got an extra large bottle of red wine (2-in-1) and began our movie night with Collateral Beauty. As a baby loss mom, I knew what I was getting myself into, but I probably shouldn't have chosen this movie while I'm attempting to cheer up my boyfriend. I cried the ENTIRE movie. Full on, ugly cry. There was no hiding the tears that left my eyes last night. Lucien couldn't wipe my tears fast enough, but cracked enough jokes to make me laugh through my tears. I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone that hasn't watched it yet, but have you guys seen it?! I highly recommend it, if you're looking to have an ugly cryfest like I did.

Memorial Day weekend

This has always been a difficult weekend for my family...

11 years ago we lost a VERY important person in my family. My Tutu (grandma). She was the free spirit, loves everyone, speaks her mind, makes friends anywhere she meets type of person...there truly is no one like her. I was only 12 when she died and I can remember the last weekend we saw her like it was yesterday. Memorial day weekend 2002, we all decided to drive to Washington to surprise my Tutu Nui (great grandma). That weekend was truly a blessing for us. The whole family was there. We all shared stories, laughs and most importantly, love. We went to the cemetery, where Leila is now buried, to visit my Auntie Tammy. She is my Tutu's daughter who had passed away in a car accident when she was just 6 months old. Like me, my Tutu was also a baby loss mama. She never spoke about her baby, my auntie, until that weekend. At the cemetery we had a conversation about death that day. My Tutu said something like, isn't is crazy how people just know they're going to die? It's like they don't know, but they're spirit knows somehow. We all talked about the moments before death and how the spirit knows how to prepare for it and that sometimes people wait to die until they've seen the people they needed to see before they die. I've thought about that day many times after she died. She was a long-haul truck driver so we saw her whenever she had a break from work and could come through town...or if she was driving through town to get to her destination. It was her idea to have us come up to Washington for Memorial Day weekend. I think about how her spirit must have known it was time for her to go soon and that we all needed that one last weekend with her. She died the day we drove away from Washington to go home. I used to curse God and ask him why took her and not me instead. I blamed myself. I know it was crazy to think it was my fault, but I did. We all stopped at a gas station to get has before the 11 hour drive home. My Tutu asked us if we wanted anything from inside and I asked for a hot chocolate. She gave it to me and we kissed goodbye. That was the last time I ever saw her. My mom told her to have a safe drive home and I never said it. I know it's silly, but I thought because I didn't say it, that's why she died. Remember, I was 12...

Anyways, I'm not sure why, but the 11th anniversary of her death has been the hardest for me since I was a kid. I miss her so much and can't even believe she's still gone. It feels like just yesterday that she passed away. I remember feeling like somehow I'd forget her since I was so young...and I thank God everyday that I haven't. I remember so much about her. I also remember watching my mom & stepdad's wedding tape after she died over and over again, just so I could hear her sing. I watched her facial expressions as she sang the Hawaiian wedding song--her smile...the way her eyes opened so wide when she got to a certain part in the song. God I miss her...

Going private soon, send me emails!

I'm making my blog private soon. If you'd like to keep reading you can send me an email at kalialani.cruz@gmail.com with your email address, message me on facebook.com/Kalialani or just comment with your email address on this post.

Just like that

The world comes crashing down on me again...just like that. Grief has ahold of me today. Nearly 3 years later and this news still affects me just as it did when I first lost her. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I try to be happy for others but my grief just won't let me. Just like that I'm back at square one trying to sort out my feelings and come to a conclusion. One of these days I just want to be at peace with everything and everyone around me. I hate this feeling of jealousy, envy and just pure sorrow. At the end of the day I have to realize I still don't have my baby and it will be long before I ever do again. She's never coming back no matter how hard I wish it to be true. No matter how hard I try to stay positive I just can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. It hurts so bad I can't even describe the pain I feel. All the love in the world couldn't make me feel better today...and that fucking sucks. Days like these I wish I could just sit at her grave and wail so loudly and forget the fact that people think I should have moved on by now. I just need to be near her. My heart aches today...so bad. On that note I have nothing more to say...

I feel you in my dreams

I had a dream last night. I was walking to school with an urn, I'm not sure whose, but I thought it was my daughter's (even though she is buried). Then I was walking with a baby girl in my arms. At first I wasn't sure whose it was because I couldn't remember being pregnant a second time, but she felt like mine. I squeezed her tight and cried so hard. I was talking to an older couple with this baby in my arms when something huge had just flown by. I didn't get a chance to see what it was when something else landed on my nose. It was a big beautiful butterfly. Then I looked over and realized the other flying thing was a beautiful dragonfly. It was in one place, only a few feet away..like it was just looking at me. I cried so hard and laughed at the same time. I told the couple, "it's my daughter, I can't believe it." She sent the butterfly and dragonfly to say hello and let me know that everything would be alright. I can't describe the joy I felt in that moment...and once again she reassured me that she is always by my side. Some might think it was just a dream, but I know it was more than that. I've been waiting to feel her again and finally my dream came true. 

Leila baby, 

Mommy has been waiting to feel your presence again. I know you're always with me, but it feels good to get a little reassurance every once in a while. Thank you for coming to me in my dream. As always, it's a priceless moment I will never forget. I miss you so much. Your Daddy and I have been reminiscing a lot about the good old days when his Cookie Monster was still here. It's almost Halloween again and we wish we were taking you trick-or-treating. I hope you're having fun up there with all your baby friends. I love you so much! 

Love always,
Mommy

Miss you

I can't believe I haven't been here since your birthday. I've been meaning to write to you so many times, but I never take the time to do so. I've been missing you SO much lately. Well that has never changed...but still. Your daddy and I have been talking about you and thinking about what you would look like by now. It's always been something I'd wondered about. Anytime I see a little girl (toddler) I think of you and how you would be talking and holding my hand skipping as we walked in the grocery store. It's so weird to imagine how different life would be with a toddler now. I wish I knew. I just wanted to say hello to my little princess and let you know that I miss you SO much. I love you. You'll always be my little girl...

Love,
Mommy

Happy 2nd Birthday Leila!

I had been preparing for this day for a while now...I guess you could say as soon as her 1st birthday was over I was thinking about the next year already. I knew it would come fast, I just didn't expect time to fly this fast. I had planned to go to the cemetery with Mustafa and his family yesterday. It was a nice trip and I'm glad we did it together. Last night though, I was a mess...it came all of a sudden when I didn't really expect it. I'm usually OK around this time...February is the month that's hardest for me for some reason...I guess the anticipation of this day hurts the most. This year though was pretty hard all around. Last night I fought the tears for the most part...until morning came. This morning I couldn't believe she turned 2. I decided that I would make cupcakes and get a sandwich platter and take them to the NICU. Yesterday I called the NICU that Leila was in to make sure it would be OK for me to come and bring food. A woman named Grace answered the phone and sounded like the sweetest, most appreciative person I know. Mustafa and I took the elevator up to the West NICU where the level III NICU was. Apparently they had moved and we were told to go down one floor. Grace greeted us at the door with a smile and plenty of thanks. We talked over the phone about Leila and her turning 2...but I hadn't told her she wouldn't be joining us today. She told the other nurses about Leila and how we were so sweet to bring stuff for her birthday and that she turned 2 today. Then she asked where she was. I told her she passed away and she gave me a big hug. They were even more thankful we were there. That made me feel good. Grace was nice enough to walk us around both NICUs and showed us the changes the hospital was making. They're remodeling the West NICU where Leila stayed, so there currently were no beds or babies in there. She took us in anyways and walking through the door I immediately looked to the corner where Leila's isolette was. It was like I was back there 2 years ago. Even though I never wanted us to be there, I was glad to be back. It's always felt like a second home even though we were only there 18 days. It was where I spent all my time with Leila and where Leila spent her whole life. She walked us around the current West NICU where all the babies were. I glanced in each room at the tiny little babies and their families visiting. I looked over at a mom with a tiny little bottle feeding her micro-preemie. I immediately broke down. Grace looked over at me and took me in her arms. She said she hoped it wasn't a bad cry...but it was a mixture of both. I was so happy that they were making such positive changes in the NICU for the families, but I was sad for us. I wish we got the chance to make it out of there with our baby alive. I wish we were one of the lucky ones. But then I remembered that all the love Leila brought to our lives and all the amazing people I've met because of her...and then I smiled. I was still sad for us, but happy for these other families. One thing I was upset about was that they got rid of the Butterfly Room where we spent private moments with Leila after she died. It was still called the Butterfly Room, but they painted over all the pretty butterflies with plain white paint. I don't know what the point of that was, but all the nurses were upset over it as well. Grace told us we should complain about it...and I will! This time though I want to suggest a purple dragonfly room. :) I hope they will at least consider it. We'll see. Anyways, overall I'm very happy Mustafa and I went to the NICU. Grace told us we were always welcome to visit anytime. I'll take her up on that offer for sure. Even though it's hard, I love being there.

This is the dragonfly Mustafa and I found for Leila yesterday. The wings glow in the dark and I love it! :)

We found a dragonfly balloon at the store we got her flowers at. We had a pretty dragonfly balloon for her 1st birthday too. We always get lucky with those :-)

Oh I forgot to mention...unfortunately Kristin (our fave NICU nurse) wasn't there, but Grace gave her my contact info and talked to her about me coming. She said Kristin remembered us. I always knew she was genuine, but I think it's so sweet that she remembers exactly who Leila is and has so much love for her still...and always will. I hope I can see her again.

Leila baby,

I can't believe you're two years old today! Mommy misses you SO SO much and wishes you were here with us. It was definitely hard to go back to the NICU without you, but being able to walk around there again and talk about you with the nurses felt good. Even though you're not here with us I'm sure you were looking down today and smiling. Today was a very sad day for your mama but also a reminder that you have so many people who love and adore you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. I can't wait for the day that I can hold you again and sing Happy Birthday to you in person.

I love you sweetness. Happy 2nd Birthday baby girl!

Love,

Mommy