I've had a lot more time on my hands recently since I moved into my flat on my own - and especially since I work four days' a week and no longer have a commute beyond a 20-minute walk to work.  I'm taking it easy at the moment and giving myself lots of time to just chill, reflect and do things just for me.  Because of that I've had lots of time to catch up on my to-read pile, listen to podcasts, watch a ton of Netflix and tick off the long list of unread articles in my Pocket app.

I thought I'd start a regular feature where I list my favourites of what I've been eagerly digesting - I did try this as a newsletter previously and I may one day go back to that, but for now I'm going to try and pop it on the blog every month (or more frequently perhaps as I really am trucking through things at a rate of knots!)

I had a period of time where I wasn't watching much Netflix but I'm now back at it with a vengeance and I've powered through a few series' recently that I've recently enjoyed.

The Sinner - It usually takes me a couple of episodes to get into a series but I was totally hooked on this from halfway through the first episode (when you watch it, you'll know).  I must admit I powered through this in a single day - the acting was amazing, the storyline is brilliant and I'm very excited about the return of Bill Pullman.

Long Shot - This documentary about a man accused of murder and his brilliant defence lawyer was totally fascinating - I don't want to say too much as I was so invested in the case, but it really is a rollercoaster ride.

Mindhunter - A lot of people recommended this to me due to my incessant love for true crime dramas and it didn't disappoint.  It took me a little while to get into it but it was definitely a good watch - it's the story of two FBI Agents and a psychologist who attempt to profile serial killers in order to solve open cases. 


There are a lot of brilliant series' on Amazon that you can watch for free if you have Prime (totally worth it).  These two are two of the best series' that I've watched in ages.

The Girlfriend Experience - This is not for the faint hearted if you're something of a prude, but I found it a great watch.  It features a trainee lawyer who discovers the world of the 'girlfriend experience' and becomes working as an escort whilst becoming mixed up in the goings-on at the law firm she's interning at. 

I Love Dick - I avoided this as I didn't know how to explain to people what I was watching! But it's absolutely brilliant and right up my street, despite the fact that I have no idea how to describe it.  Essentially it features a married couple who move to an academic community in Texas and become obsessed with the professor, played by Kevin Bacon.  I can't recommend it enough, there are a lot of feminist themes and it's so creative and fun to watch.


Most books nowadays I listen to on audiobook on Audible - I definitely get the most out of that monthly subscription and I'm always listening in the car or when I'm walking the dog.  I do also want to get much better at reading in bed though so I can tackle my enormous to-read pile! (Less scrolling through Twitter needs to happen to allow this).

The Book of Dust: La Belle Sauvage - I resisted this book initially as I thought it was a prequel to His Dark Materials, but after hearing that you could read them independently (as - the shame - I haven't read the HDM trilogy yet!) I snapped it right up.  I loved every single second of it.  It was written so wonderfully and felt like such an adventure, I was on the edge of my seat listening to it on Audible and I was disappointed when I finished it.

Find the Good - This was one of those books that came along just at the right time for me.  It's written by Heather Lende, an Alaskan obituary writer who shares the lessons and learnings she has discovered through studying other people's lives (and deaths). It's just so poetic and perfect and I had to keep reading back sections of it as the quotes were so wonderful; it's a real treasure of a book.

Marlena - Marlena is the story of a young, teenage friendship and just perfectly captures the wildness and freedom of growing up and experiencing those firsts and sharing it with someone you are close to.  It is so many things at once - sad, gripping, poetic and just so real and raw.  I loved it.



The Priestess Podcast - This podcast is hosted by Julie Parker and features chats with inspirational women about all things spiritual and soulful.  I came across it when she featured Rebecca Campbell (whose work I love) and her interview is really great. 

Dirty John - I raced through this podcast as it was just so brilliant and different.  The true story of a woman who meets a man and falls in love - and the deceit and betrayal that follows - warning, it's very addictive.

What have you been bingeing on recently? Send me your recommendations!

I've poured a lot of sadness into these pages over the years - particularly in the last 12 months.  I've shared my experiences of depression, anxiety, the break-up of my marriage and the dark times I went through prior to and following that.  It's important for me, then, to share the light as well as the darkness.  And I feel a sense of lightness now, of contentment, of peace.  I'm almost scared to say it (why?!) but I feel happy.  (I keep wanting to edit that sentence.  I'm leaving it).

I was walking Bodhi yesterday in the park near my flat.  It was a truly glorious Autumnal day, one of the best ones - all light streaming through the branches, sunshine bouncing off the park benches and glinting in the puddles caused by overnight rainfall.  Watching Bodhi springing along in the leaves and snuffling in the grass gives me such pure joy.  I was worried when Tom and I separated that there would be an impact on him, but he accepts his newfound circumstances seemingly without question (okay - not that he can exactly form a question) and takes it all in his tiny doggy stride (leaving muddy paw prints behind, as is his wont).  As I walked with him, taking big greedy gulps of fresh air, I felt this strong feeling of being exactly where I needed to be.  No rush, no pressure, no expectation.  Just ambling along with slowness and purpose, soaking up the present moment; and experiencing the pure unbridled joy of a dog turning back to look at you from further down the path, and then bounding back towards you to show you are not forgotten.

It really is true that happiness only exists in the present moment.  I really believe that it is impossible to feel that real, all-encompassing, juicy sense of contentment from purely remembering something good or gazing at a photo you posted on instagram.  And for me, it's a trap - no sooner have I been sucked in to building that image in my mind, than I find myself reminiscing about happy times that no longer exist or cannot happen again.  The present is all there is and all that really exists, and certainly the pathway to contentment for me.

I went to a meditation group last week where there was a seminar on negativity, and how it is effectively a 'deluded state of mind'.  The purpose of the workshop was to teach us how to protect ourselves from negative thought patterns and attempt to stop our minds from becoming 'unpeaceful and uncontrolled'.  The wonderful teacher (a Buddhist nun) explained that when we think about things that are outside of the present moment, they are 'delusions' as we always attach our own perceptions to memories, worries, anxieties, sadnesses, and so on, so they don't represent reality.  By practising mindfulness and focussing on the present moment we can help us step out of this cycle.  The way to do this is to make the conscious decision to pay these negative thoughts no attention, and by purely observing the thoughts and then letting them go by, like a cloud in the sky.  Her advice was to treat negative and upsetting thoughts much like taking a hot pan from the oven, if it hurts, we should 'put it down'.  It's been important for me to try and observe and control my thoughts since moving in on my own, as I did initially find a lot of upsetting things creeping in over the first few days - the typical thoughts of "what am I doing with my life?" or considering myself a failure, as well as the reminders of happy memories that now feel sad and lost forever.  It probably sounds very silly, but as these thoughts crop up, I found myself starting to imagine and visualise a broom sweeping them away.  I now say to myself 'no thank you' and sweep them off in my mind and focus back on what I'm doing.  (Sometimes it takes a lot of sweeping, but I'm committed).

I have lived through a lot of different circumstances in the last year or two - being married and living in a lovely house with a husband I cared about, ending that marriage and living back with my parents at 33, starting a new relationship and moving to a new town, and now living on my own in a little flat in a city I lived in many years before.  No circumstance is inherently good or bad and no decision right or wrong (although there have been situations that have damaged my confidence and made it more difficult to find that sense of inner peace).  Much like the Buddhist nun would say, it is your thoughts that determine how you feel about a situation, not your reality - and I will add into that a little dash of 'check your privilege', as clearly I am in a much better position to create those feelings of joy than many others who do not have the same opportunities.  But I have learned to try and reframe things in the positive, to keep my ego in check, to be relentless about being grateful, kind and hopeful about the future.  I am so much better about letting things go and surrendering to the plan that the universe has for me and it's such a good feeling.  Actually my story about the dog walk is a pretty good metaphor - I'm just ambling through life, staying present and taking time to appreciate the sunshine and the small pleasures.

Small pleasures are just the one too, the other glorious key to happiness in droves.  Dancing around the flat and trying to get Bodhi to join in.  Laughing great big belly laughs with good friends.  Hugging my parents.  Running long baths filled with bubbles and essential oils.  Making things (top secret Christmas things).  Burning incense.  Learning new things.  Writing in my journal.  Listening to my Calm app and meditating.  Cooking yummy foods and eating more veggies.  Listening to relaxing music.  Surrounding myself with crystals and candles.  Diffusing oils in my little aromatherapy diffuser (or the 'puffer' as I call it).  Going for walks.  Reading awesome spiritual books.  Listening to podcasts by inspiring women.  And trying to do as many as these things as often as possible, and create space to do so.
 
This year has been a journey, a journey full of learning and growing.  A journey that has felt at times like crawling along a gravel road, all bloody knees and split fingernails.  More days than I would care to count that have begun and ended with tears, and several days where I have been simply unable to get out of bed.  Life is HARD.  But amidst the metaphorical scuffed hands and bitten lips, the tiredness and the raw dirt, something is growing, and that something smells like lavender oil and burning candles, and tastes like camomile tea sipped under a blanket and it sounds like seagulls in the morning and it looks a lot like hope.  Like hope and like healing.  And new chapters, empty pages and brand new pens right out of the packet.  I am so grateful right now.  To continue hoping, continue healing, and continue taking it all in.

Christmas is of course going to be a funny old time this year but I'm definitely not feeling sorry for myself as I know I'm incredibly lucky to absolutely adore spending Christmas with my family and friends.  The Christmas Market is in full swing in Southampton and my walks home from work are punctuated with the smell of mulled wine and smoked sausage so I'm already feeling a little festive even though it's still six weeks' away.  I'm looking forward to putting a tree up in my flat and wrapping presents as I go along (until there's a mountain of them in the corner, as I always over-buy!).

This year I'm going to be making a few presents and I'm trying to plan things early to avoid the last minute stress that I've experienced in previous years when I've decided to embrace a more homemade Christmas.


I'm feeling very smug that I've already ordered my Christmas cards from Basic Invite.  They do a lot of beautiful photo Christmas cards but although I toyed with the idea of having a photo of Bodhi and I on a Christmas card it made me feel a littleeeee bit of a loser and so I went for a standard design instead.  They're so pretty and I think they have a little bit of a Rifle Paper Co-esque style to them and they look stunning propped up on a mantelpiece (of course, I myself won't be having them on my own mantelpiece!)




I was pretty excited to discover Basic Invite as I always think it's useful to find a website you can rely on for custom cards, invitations and stationery.  I've been planning a little drinks reception at my flat before our work Christmas do and I'm toying with the idea of printing some Christmas party invites, wouldn't that be cute? They also do foil Christmas cards that even come in rose gold - I'm pretty sure that would blow anyone else's Christmas cards out of the water... (I've also just noticed that you can even customise your envelopes with different vintage flower designs - why am I feeling like I want to order more cards?) You can also get 30% off their cards with the code 'holi30'.


I thoroughly enjoyed feeling festive and taking these pictures, even if I did set my Mum's eucalyptus on fire (spoiler alert, burning eucalyptus smells really nice!) Are you planning to hand-make any Christmas cards or gifts this year?