Motherhood

I love being a mom. I admit I never feel adequate, and I know I am not very good at it, but I am so happy they let me try.  Sometimes I feel like they are raising me.  They teach me so much. They push me to do better and try harder, but love me even if I don't.  My favorite times are spent laying around with them joking and tickling and wrestling.  I am so happy that Ben will still join in.  I love it when they come to my room and ask if we can all do something together.  I love it when they ask for a family night lesson. They want to learn more.  I love watching them be creative and develop.  I love knowing that they will do so much more than me.  I hope as we are heading into the teanage years with Ben and Whitney that they will still like spending time with us.  I hope they will always talk to us and let us help them.  Hopefully they have seen us struglle through things enough to know that we won't judge them but help them along the way.  They are the best!

My camera broke before I could take a picture with Ben too so here is one of just him.  I can't get over how quickly he has grown up these last few months. 

4 years

Tomorrow will be four years since my mom died.  As the day has approached I have told myself how stupid it is to have so many days of the year that make me miss her.  Her birthday, the day she died, her funeral, holidays.  It is pathetic.  I know she lives on, I can feel her in my life often, I really shouldn't dwell on these days so much.  Tomorrow is an insanely busy day.  I set a goal last year on the anniversary that before next anniversary I would at least wash the clothes she died in.  Yup, still haven't done that.  Every year I pull them out and see the stain of the last strawberry milkshake I made her and think about how happy she was the last few days, and how frail and fragile she looked, and bawl my eyes out and put them away till next year.  Last year I decided that I should wash them, but that I would do it on a day that didn't hold so much meaning.  And here I am and I still haven't done it.  Does it ever get easier, will the day ever pass without me remembering? It was actually a beautiful thing to be part of and witness. It just feels like a very long ending for me. 

My tantrum is over

So my tantrum is over.  I have decided that if I share more than I am comfortable being judged for it is my decision and I will have to live with the consequences.  Life is getting better, so hopefully there won't be as many ups and downs to write about. 

Going private

So it didn't take very long for the judgments and criticism to get to me.  I was tempted to just delete my blog, but there is stuff in there I want to remember, so I am making it private.  Some people think my writing about having  hard moments or days must mean that is how I am living my whole life, that I can't see any of the good.  If that were the case I would be dead by now.  Most of the time if I write it out I can move on and have a good productive day.  I am getting better at finding my own coping skills, but I realize I don't need other people to worry about what my days are like or make me feel like I must be miserable all the time. I AM NOT! The fact is no one can understand the things I have been through and the things I go through, the same way I don't understand their lives.  It is so easy to look at some one's life and see the "easy fix".  I think I am done sharing for a while.  My life is messy and crazy, and beautiful.  I learn so much about myself and human behavior everyday.  It is sad to me that people think that is a lesser way to live life.  So what I thought was a good idea has come back to bite me in the butt.  For a while I think I will keep my thoughts to myself. Thank you to those of you who have been so supportive and encouraging.  Thank you to those who see the good in me and not just the messed up parts. 

Bummed

So Ben got pertussis, even though he was immunized against it.  So there goes my St. George biking weekend.  To say I am bummed is an understatement.  It was what I was counting on to relieve some of this stress and anxiety.  I feel bad for Ben, and thank goodness for antibiotics.  My dad almost died from this as a baby.  I selfishly admit I feel really bad for me too:(  Looks like I will continue to take my stress out on the treadmill and stationary bike. It just isn't the same as being out it nature.  

Recommitted

I keep wanting to wait to blog because I like having pictures to put with them, this picture doesn't really go but I am headed to St. George this weekend and can't wait to do this ride again.  That is Gooseberry Mesa in the background for you who know the area, but this plateau is way better. Same sort of riding, but more downhill and along the edge.  LOVE IT!

Yesterday I saw my counselor for the last time till mid-March.  Part of me is scared, and part of me feels like I am on vacation!! I have definitely had some setbacks the last week or so.  I have returned to some of my old habits just in anticipation of feeling like I get to make my own decisions without having to talk about them all the time.  I wish I could be a little more dishonest about them.  When I saw the nutritionist today I had every intention of just playing nice and agreeing to the goals she wants me to set. When she asked me how I was doing, I just couldn't lie. DANG!  I end up hearing how returning to those behaviors and thought aren't a good idea etc.  The thing is it kinda soaks in and I can't help feeling like it broke my focus.  I had a total plan to lose x amount of pounds while my counselor is gone and now I am doubting that it is a good idea.  There are a lot of things I am dealing with (in my head) right now.  If I don't have him to help me from spinning them in a destructive way I am worried.  If I restrict and focus on losing weight I don't think about those things and so, to me, it seems like the logical way to get by.  (How did I end up so reliant on someone else?)  Instead I am going to go on a bike trip and focus on school and my Dad's 70th birthday party.  At least I hope that I can.  I also have realized that the more I restrict and focus on losing weight the less sincere my prayers are and the less meaningful my scripture study is.  Both, I have learned, are a necessity for me to keep my head on straight.   So here is to a week of having a good time (healthily) and enjoying getting on my bike again (YA!)  I guess that is why it is important to have a good team (Dr. nutritionist, and counselor) to make sure I stay on track.  (Even though most of the time I complain about it)

Hope

I am actually really enjoying the calm I have felt the last few days.  There have been little everyday bumps in the road, like a house full of sick kids, but generally it has been nice.  I had mouth surgery and so maybe the pain killers might have had something to do with that:)  I have been  thinking the last few days though, a dangerous pass-time of mine.  My counselor has encouraged me to open up to more people, that it will help to see who I can really trust and help me from processing everything through my body.  As anyone who has spoken to me lately knows, I have been doing this.  (I swear he would never believe me though) Last night about 1 am it kinda hit me how much I have done this lately and how I can't take it back.  All those people, and anyone reading this, will know. I am starting to see that part of his reasons for having me do this weren't just what he said, but  me getting over my fears of people judging me.  No one likes to feel like they are automatically labelled as something or looked down upon for some reason.  I guess there really isn't any going back now.  It's out there and so many people know.  It is freeing to know that it doesn't matter what they think.  The people who love and support me through all the ups and downs in my life (and some of the crazies) are the people that I want around me.  It will help me to see who those people are.  I also understand the people that won't want to be around me through this.  It is hard to understand something you have never been through.  We all have unique paths. This path isn't one I would have ever thought I would be on a few years ago. I couldn't have even told you how much I weighed and I wouldn't have been aware consciously of anything that was bothering me.  I believe there is a reason for everything we experience in life.  Some of the reasons we go through things are for our own growth, and some for the growth of people around us.  I have seen both take place in my life.  I have never felt the love of my family and my closest friends as much as I have the last year.  I understand the importance of families and what each child brings to the family as a whole.  I receive different wisdom and ways of showing love from each of my brothers.  I am so lucky to have them and feel a protection and strength from them and their spouses. My relationship with my dad has grown in ways I never could have foreseen, it has truly saved my life.  My relationship with Tony has been put in the fire so many times, but there is a devotion there now that there is no way to turn back after getting through so much together.  I would definitely say we are building an eternal marriage.  Without knowing that it goes on forever, the work that we are doing now might not seem worth it.  It is awesome to have someone willing to change and grow along with me during this process. 
So today I take a deep breath and appreciate where I am.  It is true I  feel like the next wave is on the horizon and will soon crash against me.  I am hoping to be able to hit it head on after having this time to recharge.  I am hoping to get use to the idea that this isn't such a private struggle anymore, and that is ok.  I am hoping that the people I really need will still be there, even though it isn't easy being my friend right now.  Hopefully someday I will be able to return the favor with the understanding and wisdom that I have seen in my friends who are now there for me after fighting their own battles.  I read something in the Ensign the other day, the story was different than mine, but I loved the ending.  It said, "don't give up hope in order to bury pain".  The next few weeks I will try to build up that hope so that I can finally "un-bury" the pain.