Westen's Conundrum

Tired!
That is what my body is screaming at me right now.
SOCIALIZE!
That is what my mind is screaming right now.

As you can see they don't go hand it hand and it makes me mad. There is a dance party in Whitney Hall right now I wanna go...there's some awesome people there: Greg, Rachel, Peter, Adam, and others... I wanna go and have fun with them... but here I am writing in my blog instead because I'm so flippin' tired. But that's not the only reason I'm not over there, I have a conondrum when it comes to dance parties. When I go I usually try to dance and have fun, but I really don't know how to dance that well and I feel awkward, weird, and then I get all tired. I usually end up feeling like I made a fool of myself for going and feel like I didn't even socialize that much (I prefer small groups of people playing games, talking, and doing fun stuff like that) and wonder if it would have been better to have just stayed home. Then if I stay home I regret it because I didn't get to spend time with some cool people and I didn't have as much fun as I probably could have. It's a lose-lose situation here and it's very annoying I must say. So here I am at one end of the losing spectrum...alone tonight, by choice sadly enough. I hope everyone is having fun.

It's been a long run, getting from there to here (part 2)

It's become unavoidable
I've been sitting here trying not to think of the inevitable outcome, hoping that if I just give things time that it will all blow over, that things can go back to how they used to be. But as time drags on I've had to face the truth, things aren't going to go back to the way they were, and it makes me mad, angry, and sad. I feel like going out onto the balcony of my apartment and screaming 
I HATE YOU! 
JUST GO AWAY!
I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE JUST LIKE YOU DON'T WANT ME!
I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT YOU WHEN I WAKE UP! 
I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU DURING THE DAY! 
I DON'T WANT TO FEAR GOING TO SLEEP BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL BE THERE IN THE MORNING!
...even if they wouldn't hear me, I think it would make me feel better....
for just a little while.

I know I'm being petty, I'd like to think it's not my fault, but I just can't help knowing that it is.

I've been sitting here in my room because it's the only way I know I can avoid you. I don't want to go outside... to see you, to be blinded by your radiance, I just want you to go away, and if you won't go away I just want you to keep your distance. When you're near I get hot and flustered, and I put my jacket on with the hood up just so I can avoid your brilliant gaze, even though it makes the heat all the more unbearable. Even though I shun you I still see you as a necessary part of my life..I don't want you anymore, just like you don't want me, but I still want you to be around me because you give me life even if you don't know it. It's a battle inside me, I need you, but I don't want you.

I hate you 

but I need you with all my heart

please stay nearby

but leave me alone

--- Westen

PS- In case you are all wondering who this is addressed to it's addressed to The Sun... yes the big glowy ball in the sky... I miss Winter

It's been a long run, getting from there to here

Not updating in almost a year? Why it wouldn't be much of a blog if I didn't do something stupid like that every once in a while. As penance I offer you some of my better notes that I've posted on Facebook instead on here, think of it like my blog is the place where all my good stuff goes and Facebook is just where EVERYTHING goes:

_________________________________________

Dave was sitting at the front of the pub staring intently at his glass. The Barman was cleaning a class with a slightly stained rag as he leaned against the bar and looked slightly interested in Dave. The Barman always assumed this position before engaging a customer in idle chitchat. "The Position" as it was known in Bar-School was the most opportune way to talk to a customer because it allowed you to seem open and willing to talk about anything but allowed easy escape both figuratively and physically if things should go wrong with the customer. 

"If I may be so kind in asking, Sir, why are you staring at that glass in such a curious fashion?" 

Dave's face was contorted into a myriad of emotions ranging from "Feigned Happiness" to "Insanity with a touch of Halibut". 

The words came gritting forth from the kind of smile you expect a serial killer to wear,"I'm practicing telekinesis" 

"It doesn't seem to be working sir" 

Dave let out a heavy sigh as his face was replaced by one that looked much more sane and a bit more sad. The Bartender looked Dave over for a second. He seemed to be in his late-twenties with a kind face. He wore a Black Suit Coat with a blue T-shirt and Jeans. If you looked into his eyes to long you felt you were getting lost in something resembling, but not quite, insanity. 

"I know" he said, "My brain just doesn't want to tell Physics to stuff it" 

Dave and his mind never really saw eye to mind's eye in this matter. Dave was convinced that the Laws of Physics were nothing more then guidelines for those who didn't understand the world, while his brain seemed to hold The Laws in utmost regard. Dave knew that all one needed to do to be able to use the powers of telekinesis was to tell the Laws of Physics to look the other way for a bit, after all what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them. The problem seemed to come when Dave would tell his brain to then start doing silly things like lifting a cow with pure thought. His brain wasn't to fond of the idea of just being unfaithful to the Laws of Physics, after all they had had a steady relationship for years so why ruin things now. 

The Bartender looked around and felt like a long explanation had gone by without him and was gladdened by this prospect. 

"Well, I'm sure you'll get it one day, Sir!" 

He looked at Dave with an encouraging smile. Suddenly the Bartender noticed the glass in front of Dave give a small jiggle as it lifted off the table on what seemed to be its own accord and pressed lightly up against Dave's lips. Dave grabbed the glass out of the air and made the necessary motions to complete the waters journey from the glass to Dave's stomach. 

"Why, you see Sir, you got it after all" 

The Barman gave Dave a smile similar to the smile a father would give his child after learning to tie his shoe. Dave let out another heavy sigh. 

"No, that wasn't telekinesis, that was abdomenesis, you see I'm using my stomach not my mind. It just isn't the same." 

The Barman gave a slight frown 

"I don't see the difference Sir. You're moving it without touching it either way." 

Dave's sighs seemed to become more and more commonplace as the third one wafted into the air and gave an airy greeting to the first and second. They then joined hands and left the pub in hopes of finding a nearby dance club where they hoped to find some nice looking "Mmm"s to dance the night away with and exchange numbers. 

"No, you don't understand. Abdomenesis only works with food and drink, things that your stomach wants. I mean it works with a lot of things, but only if your stomach wants it bad enough. Also it's harder to control. Once I tried lifting a cow while my stomach was a bit anxious for hamburger, I suddenly had a flaming bovine hurtling towards me and I couldn't stop it! Though I was very proud that my stomach had picked up on Pyrokinesis so fast, didn't even need my help. Poor cow though, had to hide behind a wall in order to stop its momentum, nothing was left but a heaping scorched pile of...of well... of hamburger." 

The Bartender gave a knowing nod. He had once seen cows on fire hurtling through the air bringing terror to all who saw the sight. But that was in the war long ago and he didn't like to talk or think about it. 

"So how close are you to getting telekinesis to work instead, Sir?" 

Dave tapped his fingers on the bar as he thought about this. 

"I'm not quite sure. But I'm trying to get as drunk as I can in order to confuse my mind. I'm hoping if it's confused enough it will tell Physics to bugger off and I can have my fun." 

The Bartender thought about this for a while. 

"Sir, not that I don't agree with this theory, but you've only been drinking water all night. How do you plan on getting drunk on water?" 

Dave gave the Bartender a small grin as he leaned back in his chair. 

"That's the beauty of it, I'm not getting drunk by means of Alcohol. I'm getting drunk on Life. I haven't slept in three days actually." 

Most people would probably think this as an insane statement to make, but the Bartender was up with the times and understood what Dave was talking about. It had recently come out in a scientific discovery that Life is the most intoxicating of all substances, even more intoxicating then Love, Euphoria, or Scotch. The reason the body needed to sleep so much was not because it needed to recharge from the strains of the day but it was in fact to get away from Life and its overwhelming effects. Without sleep the body experiences to much Life and starts to become drunk with it, the mind starts to slip, you can’t speak right, every little thing a person says becomes funny, emotions run rampant, and sooner or later you will find yourself with a sock puppet on either hand. In fact the effects of Life were more devastating then most scientists even thought possible. In the study it was revealed, much to the dismay of Cardiologists, that Life was the leading cause of Death and not Heart Disease. 

The Bartender felt the familiar feeling of missing a long explanation that he didn't need to hear. He looked at Dave in a sort of awe. 

"You, Sir, must be quite determined." 

Dave grinned at the Bartender 

"Indeed I am" 

Dave sat at the bar along in thought as The Bartender went to serve some new customers that had just come in. He got out of his seat and headed for the door. The Bartender noticed Dave leaving and turned to bid him farewell. 

"Best of luck to you Sir." 

Dave waved behind him as the door shut. He walked along the streets in the silent air of twilight and the setting sun. He got to his apartment and went inside, making sure to duck as a stale piece of pizza hurtled out the open door, Dave's stomach gurgled at him in disapprovement. As determined as Dave was to pursue in getting drunk he knew that he would have to put his experiment on hold for now, tonight he needed to sleep. He went up the stairs to his bedroom as he heard his heartbeat count every moment he had been awake. His eyes drooped as he got into a nice pair of stripped pajamas and laid down in his bed. He was ready for sleep. 

Dave's mind felt the warmth of Dave's eyelids shut and thought it would be a nice time to put on a movie. He looked through his video collection passing by such classics as "Dave in his Underwear", "Dave flying then falling to the Ground", and "Dave as Ironman". While searching through the rows and rows of videos Dave's mind slipped. He happened to slip at a very opportune position, landing directly in a fog of drunkeness that Life had left before leaving. That night Dave's mind got so drunk that instead of watching a movie it called The Laws of Physics over to party. After a long heated debate ending in "NO! YOU'RE STUPID" Dave's mind and the Laws of Physics ended their relationship that night and vowed never to see each other again. 

Need more SOULS!!!

So I just saw a news report about a women who is trying to sell her soul on E-bay for 1k. Now as an internet junkie this thought has crossed my mind that it would be funny to sell your soul on E-bay. But still it is just really weird to see someone actually attempting to do it. It sort of reminds me of an idea me and a bunch of people in my computer class had. The idea is to take a puzzle (probably a blank one, like a do it yourself think) draw some "mystic image" onto the puzzle and then break it into it's pieces. You then go up onto E-bay and least the pieces and Horcruxes (from Harry Potter) and say that each one contains a piece of your soul and that if you buy each piece then you will have that persons soul.

Now you just need to find an idiot willing to buy the whole thing and you would have just hit the jackpot.

I'm wondering if I should try it now that people are trying to sell their souls on e-bay.

Summer...summmer...summmmmmer

I have been bored during the summer. Well not all summer but I have definitely found it boring during some parts. Unable to obtain a job means I have a heck-uva-lotta free time and I have been trying to decide what to do with it all.

Aside from the odd-job that my parents give me there is really nothing that I HAVE to do. I have taken up reading (now that it isn't something that I'm forced to do) and have been whizzing through the Ender's Game series and the Shadow Series (sort of the same but one focuses on Ender the other Bean). I think I've read 4 of the books and am on the fifth, and I seem to be missing the 3rd one in the Ender's series, so I hope I find it before I finish the Shadow series.

Aside from playing games by myself I have been trying to hang out with people, but it usually ends horribly and I have to go through the day alone. I have become quite good at the game Team Fortress 2, it is an FPS (first-person shooter) that is only online with other players. It features 9 different classes to play from and my favorite is the spy. Basically I can disguise myself to look like someone on the other team, then I can cloak so that I can get into their base or their side of the map. I then try to blend in and try to sabotage their engineers sentry guns and other machines, get the intelligence or capture the control point (if the map calls for it and if I feel I can make it) or I can go behind people and literally stab them in the back with my butterfly knife for a one hit K.O., which is my favorite part. I then try to re-disguise myself and become inconspicuous as I wait for my next kill.

I have been wondering if I should try doing something productive, or try learning things. I suppose I should brush up on my Japanese, I can't remember some of the Hiragana and my Katakana has always been horrible, so that is something I can do. Well will see if I can survive these summer months.

I can't recall...

I was going to write something. I can't remember what it was but I'm sure it would have been awesome and amazing, leaving people either slacken-jawed or flabbergasted, possibly even bamboozled (oddly I wrote that correctly the first time...that's scary considering how tired I am).

Well I'll talk about other things then I s'pose.

So I've been thinking about doing an experiment, a sleep deprivation experiment to be precise. Now I've seen/heard quite of few of these and have even seen them recorded. They look like they're quite fun despite the fact that you have to force your body to go against it's nature and deprive it of sweet sweet rest. But I've always wanted to try one and shoot for a goal of 72 hours. I've was thinking about doing it in my house and writing notes every so often about what I'm thinking or doing, but I'm thinking about holding off until I get into my college dorm, do it in the days that I am in the dorm but when classes haven't started yet. Thuntsman has said that he might join me if I do it then (if he doesn't maybe he will at least let me borrow his camera).

Know some of you might be wondering why in the world I would so such a strange/stupid thing. The simple and short answer would be: It's fun. And the long and complicated answer would be: It's interesting, and fun.

You know as I'm thinking about this on a Sunday morning (though technically I'm still treating it as a Saturday Night) and can't help but think how strange it would be if instead of Fast Sunday, we had Sleepless Sunday, where instead of going without food for 24 hours you go for 24 hours without sleep. It's sort of the same effect in the Spiritual sense I suppose, weaken the body. Though in my version instead of people having a growling stomach you have groggy and blurry eyed people driving through major streets and attempting to form recognizable speech patterns. Hehehe I think I like my version better, but I suppose we'll just stick to the fasting.

Dreams....

... are said to be a gateway into our desires, our feelings, and our souls.
..
.
I must have one screwed up and twisted soul.

My soul seems to desire that I feel one or more of these emotions when I sleep
A) Confusion
B) Annoyance
C) Anger
D) Repetitive state of never ending boredom

Now this isn't to say that my dreams are not without merit, on the contrary I usually like my dreams and find enjoyment out of them for days to come as instances of them pop into my memory and I muse over the strangeness of them. It's like watching a blank television screen with random bits of a show being displayed at certain intervals. You get to sit there and think what in the world was going on and laugh at the utter stupidity of the scenes you see.

However during the night my mind has the tendency to slip in one or two dreams that are completely irritating. The worst is when my dream focuses on one task or thing that it goes through over and over again. I usually wake up feeling like I got hit by a car and fear going back to sleep because I know how bored I will be watching the same thing play out 500 more times (I wish I were kidding). Im going to step away from the annoying factors for a second and talk about the better and stranger parts of dreaming however.

Now as it may not come as a surprise to many of you but I play games, not just a few games but a lot of games. I admit that this probably isn't the best thing for me and probably is one of the reasons for my lack of social skills, but sometimes you just have to laugh at the silliness of things that come about from the mixture of games and dreams. The funniest thing to me is after playing a game for to long you start to use commands from the game in your dream to do things. It was naught a few days ago in which I was semi-dreaming (that weird dream state where your not completely unconscious yet but your mind has already started wandering into a hazy land of stories and oddities.) and I pushed the non-existent "E" key on my non-existent keyboard in order to grab and hold somebodies hand. This came from me playing to much Half-Life 2 in which in order to grab onto objects you push the "E" key....yeah kinda weird. But it gets even weirder. When I was younger and addicted to the online multi-player game Everquest (ah how naive I was to fall into such a sadistic life-stealing game) I would actually use in-game commands in order to do in-dream things such as going to sleep. Luckily it never got to the point where while I was awake I would use the in-game command /camp (turns off the game) in order to get to sleep...sadly I've read about people doing that.

Despite all the wacky things that I do to perform things in my dream I still think the storylines and appearances by people are the most interesting thing about them. Just two nights ago I participated in some sort of huge olympic relay or something like that in which I had to run, dash, polevault in swimming pools (not over, but in) and race to the top of an ancient evil tower in which I would then combat evil witches and discover the mysteries of the Eye o'er Orus (which I mistook the pronunciation as Eye of Horus...a new piece I just got for my laser chess game in real life). How you segway from olympics to ancient temples floating in the sky and battling witches over Egyption relics is WAY beyond me, yet my mind finds a way to do it. And the people...the people always baffle me, because there has to be at least a few out of place people. The two that have baffled me the past few dreams are Mr. Birrell from Lone Peak and Missy. Missy I haven't seen or heard from since school ended yet somehow decides to take part in the adventures I have with my usual appearing characters (usually Dan, Alex, Travis, or Elvis, unless the cast of characters is anonymous or miscellaneous). And then the REAL dumb founding one, Mr. Birrell. I would have to say HE takes the cake for strange appearances considering the fact that I have never had a conversation with him for more then 5 minutes (despite the fact he was one of my favorite teachers) and yet he shows up in key roles of my dreams, truely baffling.

Well you should all get to sleep

on second thought you are all probably asleep already and I need to get to sleep.

EDIT: So strangely enough I had another dream where people that I haven't seen or spoke to in a while popped up. This time Tasia Landon, and Young Tai Ahn along with Missy again. Though Young Tai isn't so strange since I did see him at Wendy's early this week. Tasia was on TV in my dream along with seeing her in *ahem* "real life".