A year ago I was pregnant with a different special spirit whose purpose and journey was to get a body. He only needed it for a short time. The loss of that baby was so deep my heart hurt and my arms yearned for him. Several days after my miscarriage I would just burst into tears. I felt so empty inside. I prayed often that I would be blessed with another chance. I wanted a baby so badly. I knew that I was supposed to have another one but I didn't think I could handle waiting for as long as I had to wait for Phoenix. A month passed and then the news came that I was pregnant again.
This pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster all the way to the end. It's been more physically and emotionally challenging than any other. I was so worried. Every step of the way, I was afraid something would go wrong. My "safe" point of 12 weeks was no longer a "safe" point. I knew that things could go from perfectly fine to horrible in just a days time. I really had to put my faith and trust in the Lord which was proving to be so very difficult. With this pregnancy my emotions were out of control. I felt angry all the time I had no patience for my other children and I had no motivation to do anything. I decided to try some depression medicine to see if it would make me feel better. Long story short it didn't. So I decided to go off of it. I was going to tapper off slowly by starting with every other day but I forgot one day and ended up going 2 days without the meds, which caused some serious side effects. I've never had anxiety as bad as I did that night. I woke up in the middle of a panic attack at 2 am. I could not calm down. I woke David up and told him what was going on and just asked him to talk to me. He gave me a blessing and then we went for a drive (cousins were in town and stayed with the sleeping little ones) I took a sleeping pill and was finally able to go to bed at 4 am. The next morning I felt fine again. We spent the morning at the swamp came home and I took a little nap. I woke up again in the middle of a panic attack. My anxiety was so bad. I had made sure to take the pill so that I could get back to "normal" which at that point I didn't even know what it was. I also couldn't sleep at night for fear of having another attack. This pattern went on for 5 days and I went without sleep for 4 nights in a row. It was horrible. On the 5th day everything went back to the way it was, I was able to sleep and I had no anxiety. I started reading about the depression meds the dr had given me and found that a lot of people had similar horrible experiences coming off the drug so I decided to give not try going off it again until after baby.
We decided that Utah would be a great chance to get a break so we packed up 8 weeks before baby came and made the drive back home. I started seriously doubting our choice about 20 hours into the drive. I was so uncomfortable and worried about anything and everything going wrong. But it turned out to be such a huge blessing for me. It was able to get the break I needed and it was the happy dose of Family I need every few months. When we arrived I still was having a lot of anxiety. Which was the whole reason I had wanted to go off the meds in the first place. I couldn't enjoy the people that I loved and I knew that blasted drug was the reason. I decided that I would go off the meds once and for all while there, because if there were any horrible side effects I'd have plenty of family to help with the kids and my wonderful therapist Mother in law to help me with the anxiety. I went off very slowly. Thankfully I had no problem this time. It was such a blessing.
The last 4 weeks went by slowly like they always do. 2 weeks before baby I was feeling sorry for myself and how uncomfortable I was. A thought came to my mind "Emily, this is what you asked for" I began to cry and realized despite the difficulty of this pregnancy, this is what I had asked for. This is what I had pleaded with the Lord for in many prayers after loosing Phoenix, and now here I was with this amazing little spirit that God had blessed me with and I was complaining. I knelt and said a quiet prayer asking for forgiveness and the strength to get through the next 2 weeks gracefully and without too much complaining.
