being sentimental

Ok. I should not be allowed to post anything after midnight.

I just had a sentimental moment though and wanted to capture it so that someday I could look back and remember. Anyhow, probably very few people know this, but recently I have had a very deep desire to have a big family. I don't know what it is. I think it's all of these family photo shoots I've been doing. : ) I was actually just looking through family photos of a family with 5 kiddos and that's what spurred the thought. I was just thinking about how someday when I have kids, I'm going to look back and not be able to imagine my life without them. It's cool to think that there are people that I haven't even met yet that I am going to love and invest so much of my life in.

ok. that's my sappy moment. : )

bald eagles and new threads

Last Sunday was very relaxing. I thought I'd write about it since I hardly ever document our lives anymore! I'm trying to get back in the habit.

Saturday night Corey suggested that we should get out and enjoy nature and God's creation instead of going to church Sunday morning. (I think it still counts as worship.) I obliged and allowed him to plan everything the way he wanted... I took this as us going on a date. (I love me some quality time.) Since Corey was planning, it involved getting up early ; ). So we left our apt. at 7:00am (which was an hour later than Corey originally wanted to leave) with temperatures in the 20's. (If you don't know me, I hate waking up early and I LOATHE being cold.) However, I was excited to spend time together and open-minded in thinking that it was an adventure close to home.

We drove out to Withrow Springs State Park and hiked the War Eagle Trail. It was awesome. We saw 3 bald eagles- no joke! Seeing an eagle is like spotting a celebrity. (It's somewhat rare... and when you see them there's no doubt who they are.) It was awesome. We had the camera, but not enough zoom to really capture it.

Afterwards we drove to War Eagle Mill to have breakfast. We got a waffle and biscuits and gravy and shared. What a great way to spend the morning!

Sunday evening we went on a spontaneous shopping trip. I had a small epiphany and finally realized after 2.5 years of marriage, that I am responsible for dressing Corey. All these years I knew something was wrong!- HA! HELLO?! I always buy myself something new here and there, but I never think to get Corey anything. I think this whole time I had the mindset of "every man for himself." I think I've even scolded Corey for the way he dressed. Never knew it was my responsibility and that if I didn't like what he was wearing I had complete power to bring about change. and he would willingly submit to these powers. wow. So we went shopping. just. for. corey. It was great! Who knew it was THAT easy? When we got home I made him do the fashion show. -ha! : ) He was like, "didn't I just try on all of these at the store?" I explained that it's just what you do once you get home. You have to see what all kinds of outfits you can make with your new clothes. Oh, he looked so good! so smart, handsome, sophisticated, mr. grad school engineer. I love this new freedom! (I think he enjoyed it too!) He's worn something new the last couple of days. : )

Thanksgiving : )

This could get boring, but I just want to remember what we did this year... : )

Wednesday we carpooled to Cabot with my parents + John & Memphis. Ha! Every time we had to make a stop it took us 5 minutes to unload and 5 minutes to reload. (car seats complicate things) Carpooling complicates things too. Especially when you need to drop the car off at the dealership in Conway and their rental car is 5 seats instead of 8 and 6 people need to make it to Cabot.

Wednesday's activities included a photo shoot - no rest for the weary ; ). It happened to be one of the more eventful shoots I've done. Cabot has limited photo ops so you have to take a lot of risks. We were cussed out by some crazy lady for taking pictures in her field... and then we almost got hit by a train taking pictures on the tracks. Wednesday evening we celebrated my Grandmother and Grandaddy's 50th wedding anniversary. : ) We ate at the Butcher Shop and then had cake at Cody and Stasia's.

Thursday we had lunch with the Grandersons. We were glad that Nana could join us- she hasn't been doing too well. Thursday evening we visited my side of the family @ Grandmother and Grandaddy's. Later that night we went to see Secretariat with Corey's parents. (great flick- now I want a racehorse)

Friday I shopped with Corey's mom and sister. Corey did homework-woot. I had yet another photo shoot. : ) Haley's bridal portraits. yay for marriage and even more yay that Hayley will be a part of our family soon. I enjoyed getting to hang out a little with Hayley's family. After the shoot the Nolan's drove Corey and I to Conway to meet up with my parentals at the dealership. Then we made the long haul back to NWA.

Now to list things I am thankful for:
Jesus. Corey! my family. my job(s). : ) : ) corey's school being paid for and his assistantship. God's ridiculous provision this past year. AWESOME friends. woodway. new heights. God's love, healing, and help as we experienced a miscarriage. joy that comes from knowing Christ.

Healing is a Slow Process

I never dreamed that it would take this long to recover.

Today is a much better day.

The last couple of days have been up and down... up...and down again. I am hoping that we have reached the top to stay today.

Yesterday we gave our baby a name. Emma Faith. "God is with us and we trust Him."

This morning in my devotional the opening and closing lines were: "I am with you. I am with you. I am with you." 3 times each.

God is so good. He is faithful. He cares about us so much. He is a God of great detail.

Praise the Lord!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord

Well, I'm always in such a debate about this whole blogging thing. Is it private- just for me? Do I share it with friends and family? Do I post in on facebook for the world to see? I'm torn. I'm blogging today for several reasons: #1 to help me process things. #2 so that some day I can read it again and remember. #3 to share my story with friends and family (maybe so that I don't have to share in detail over and over again.) #4 Hopefully to help and encourage other people who may experience the same thing. #5 I also want to give God the glory in this situation.

Disclaimer: I plan to be pretty transparent in this. After all, it is my blog.

The story begins on Saturday when I first noticed a little spotting. I had read in different places that it was normal, lot's of women experience it during pregnancy. I prayed and told God that I trusted Him. Sunday I spotted about twice as much. I was a little more concerned, but again told God that He was in control and I trusted Him. Monday morning I woke up and things were a little worse. I now needed a panty liner. I prayed all day. I felt a little depressed and worried. Monday afternoon I began to experience cramping and I called several people for prayer and advice. It wasn't looking good, but I continued to trust God. Monday evening my cramps were worse. At one point I finally laid prostrate on the carpet and begged God to give me something to hold onto, a word from Him. He said to trust Him. I asked Him: "Is this a bad thing, 'yes' or 'no'?" Silence. He wouldn't answer me. I became panicky as it got later. I was having really bad cramps. We made a run to Ozark Natural Foods to get some herbal tea and supplements that were said to help. We prayed. I texted friends to continue praying.

During the night I had a hard time sleeping. I was in a lot of pain and I was worried. Around 3am I realized that it wasn't just cramps I was experiencing.... I was having contractions. Uh-oh I thought. Nothing could live through this. Around 4am I got out of bed. I was beginning to think that the bleeding may pick up and I may need a pad. As I was looking around in our bathroom I felt something pass. (Sorry to be graphic. These are things no one talks about though.) Immediately I cringed, "oh no! oh no! oh no!...." I kept saying. I quickly sat on the toilet and screamed for Corey. I was hysterical for about 30 seconds until he ran in and put his arms around me. As soon as he did a sense of calm came over me. I was relieved. I had been worried for 3 days and now I had an answer.

I decided to take a shower and Corey began reading through books and looking up things online. We had no idea what to expect... what's normal? what constitutes an emergency? We learned that I would probably pass several more things (clumps of tissue), and I would probably bleed for several days.

We sat on our bed and began to process through things. A few things made sense now. When we were 9 weeks pregnant we did an ultrasound for Loving Choices. (They needed someone between 8-10 weeks to model for a video.) God provided this so that we would not be caught off guard. During the ultrasound we discovered that we "weren't as far along as we thought (5 1/2 weeks instead of 9 weeks)." This is strange because, if they were correct, we would have conceived just a few days before we had a positive test. It was also strange because we could see the baby's heart beat...but if their measurements were correct, we shouldn't have been able to see the heartbeat. (conclusion: our baby wasn't as developed as it should be for 9 weeks.) I had always wondered why God allowed us to have that ultrasound if it was only going to confuse us. Also, we wouldn't have even had an ultrasound if it wasn't for this circumstance He provided. (the ultrasound was free... and you know us, we're cheap.)

Another thing that made sense was that the past week and a half I haven't felt remotely pregnant. It always concerned me a little, but I just hoped that it was because I was having a ridiculously easy pregnancy. (If I have morning sickness in any future pregnancies, although I don't wish that upon myself, I will praise the Lord for sure.)

So, how am I doing emotionally? I am sad. I cried and cried and cried Tuesday morning. I still cry off and on throughout the day. I'm not sure what exactly I'm crying about- it's just sad. I didn't know this person, as far as I know they didn't really develop, but I was excited about it and looking forward to meeting them in the spring. Now, am I devastated? Absolutely not! Whew! I thank God that He is sovereign. This whole situation was covered in prayer and I know He had a plan and still does. Am I mad at God? Absolutely not. How could I be mad at a God that loves me so much? He has really shown me His love through this whole process. I'm overwhelmed by His love and it makes me cry just writing about it. The neatest thought He gave me was that it made Him really sad to see me sad. Just like all of my good friends who have grieved with me, He is grieving for my loss as well. It hurts his heart too. He knows that it is really hard to have a child die. Can you believe that He allowed His own child to die for me (and you)? I'm always amazed at people who are going through really hard times and how they praise God through it, I'm always like, "Dude, if you don't feel like being strong you really don't have to...." But now that I'm here I'm realizing that God really does comfort those who need it. In a crazy strong way.

God has also poured out his blessings through all of my friends and family. Whew! I could not do this without them! I can't say it enough, I have been so blessed!

You know, we may never know WHY things happen, but I can rest in God's faithfulness for sure.
He is GOOD.

Our Latest Development : )

We found out September 6th that we're having a baby!!!

This is quite a new adventure that we're embarking on. : ) We are very excited about it though! We've got books piled up everywhere on all kinds of topics relating. We're taking a birthing class already too!! - ha! (I know we get started early on these things.) We have also begun to clean out the "art room/old office" to get ready for the new "baby room."

So, how far a long are we? Well..... the good Lord knows. (for real) By calendar calculations we are 11 weeks. We did have an ultrasound done a couple of weeks ago though, and from their calculations/measurements we are only about 7 weeks 4 days as of today. Estimated due dates: May 9- June 4th. Kind of ridiculous. I feel like God wants it to be that way though. I guess so that I will have to trust Him on His timing. For now I have given up on trying to figure it out. Hopefully we will be able to make that window of time smaller as we progress.

Another question I get a lot: "How are you feeling?" FANTASTIC!!! It finally dawned on me today that I should start praising and thanking God for that everyday. I have had 0 morning sickness. At first it concerned me because I didn't feel pregnant and nothing exciting appeared to be happening. (visibly) I have been very blessed and feel wonderful. I remind myself every now and then of the "symptoms" that I have had so far...
The first 2 weeks that we were aware of the fact, I was CRAZY tired. I mean, 6:30pm rolled around and if felt like it should be midnight. It would feel as if I had done a very strenuous sport all day long. I could hardly even keep my eyes open!! I felt like I might die if I didn't go to sleep immediately. Also in those first few weeks, and even before I knew, I was really dizzy. It felt like my equilibrium was all off. I kept thinking I was dehydrated and carried a water bottle with me everywhere. Some days I even had to sit down as I was teaching class. There was also a week where I had super-human smelling strength. It was kind of unpleasant. Cigarette smoke would about put me through the roof. A girl in one of my classes took her shoe off, and I was the first to notice all the way across the room. McDonald's up the street taunted me every time I went outside at our apartment. While walking up to a friends house I couldn't taste my peanut butter milkshake over the smell of their laundry detergent... apparently they were doing laundry. I have also become a HUGE fan of McDonald's cheeseburgers. This is no good because I have to pass 2 McDonald's everyday on my way to work and on my way home from work. I try to limit it to two cheeseburgers a week. I fear the day that I think I need 2 in one sitting. My most recent symptom is the loss of my memory. Corey isn't convinced yet of the cause, but regardless it's HAPPENING. Last Friday when I got to school I realized that not only had I forgotten to wear my wedding rings, but I also forgot to put on deodorant!! I guess I was trying so hard to remember to wear my Tiger shirt for "gold and black day," that I neglected other important things. Corey said that was a good combination of things to forget though....someone might think: "hmmm...she's not married.... (sniff)...whew!! no wonder- she stinks!" HA!

I think that's all I have time to write about today. Exciting times!
I'm looking forward to documenting things as they change through this blog!
Hopefully I will remain more faithful to blogging! : )

BEACH 2010

Ok.... FINALLY something to blog about!

We just got back from a vacation with my family to Destin, FL. (and to answer your question- we didn't see any oil! -thank goodness : ) Going on vacation with my family is kind of a big deal. We go on "big vacations" like every 4 years or something. Going to the beach is even more of a big deal because we haven't been to the beach as a family since Mason was potty training!
The last family vacation we went on I wasn't even engaged to Corey yet, and Mason was still in high school! My! how much has changed! I'm married now and Mason is engaged! Next time we go on vacation we'll probably have kids! Ha!




Here are some of the quotes, highlights, and quirks from our trip:

"Corey's the engineer, let him pack the car!" (because we didn't set a limit on how much we were allowed to bring)

corey- "I bet I couldn't even name 10 of the U.S. presidents..."
me- "Oh! I know I can: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Samuel Adams..... wait, I think that's a beer."

[10 minute dialogue about the van in front of us having a tire that was low on air] "Quick! someone make a sign to let them know they have a flat!" [I scramble to write: "FLAT" on a piece of paper in my purse using a highlighter.] As we drive past them I toss the paper to my mom...only, when we finally see the driver we realize he's hispanic.... (me and my mom)- "ohhhhh.... hmmm" "How do you write flat in spanish?!" "El Flato!"

While trying to turn around and escape a scary part of Memphis: Corey- "Just turn around right here and go back..." mom-"no, wait...just follow the GPS..." GPS-" Turn Left.......Turn Left.......Turn left" Corey-"we got to see that building from every angle." "hmm....we're right back where we started."

Dad-"all bridesmaids dresses are topless these days..."
Mason-"You mean strapless?"

Dad-"That man is SO tan!"
me-"Dad, he's black"
Dad-"nuh-uh!"
Everyone in unison- "YES!"

Hayley-"Corey can you throw me those goggles?"
[corey throws them as hard as he can]
[goggles hit mason in the face]
"Oh my gosh! you broke mason's sunglasses"

we walk into Buster's @ 6:30, our waiter says: "Hi, my name is Chotchi... that's the most important thing, don't forget it."
He takes our drink order.... water, water, water, unsweet tea, water, water, unsweet tea. "ok, last call's at 10:00."

"Corey come play cards with us!"
Corey-"Well, I'm going to go take pictures of frogs and then go to the restroom, so it might be a while."


It was a pretty fun trip : )

Getting Started...

Welp!

I've been saying forever that I'm going to start this thing- here we go!
Step one is complete- blog has been created. : )