Learning To Love

I think of myself as a loving person, I really do, but sometimes when I look back on my actions I see a hard callous heart and I'm saddened and shocked at what lies within.

I went out tonight...to some movies with my sister and cousins....a real girls night out. Drove all the way to see a double feature at a drive-in theatre. I was so glad to get out and laughed and had a good time...but...

As soon as I drove up in my driveway and let up the garage, my two girls came charging out of the door to greet me and to bombard me with questions. At least, that's what I thought. I didn't even give them the chance.

I rolled down my window and said, "Get back in the house....GET...BACK...IN...THE...HOUSE". I just wasn't ready for my evening to end. I mean...I just got back and haven't even had a chance to breathe.

Then...I walked in the house. The kitchen was still dirty, the pizza I bought for them was still laying out, and the living room was in shambles (at least according to my standards). I immediately began giving orders.

"I can't believe that you two were home all evening and the kitchen still looks like this"

"Did you every clean up your room? Is your bed made? Are the clothes off the floor? Why not? I told you to do it earlier today!"

"Who called? What do you mean you didn't write it down?"

I don't know...I just felt violated...like the little freedom I had was taken from me and... from the very people that continue to need me everyday. Don't they have enough? How can they take more? Why do I have to continue to ask them over and over again to be obedient? Haven't I given them enough where they would respond to my requests with glad hearts and thanksfulness?

As silence fell on the house as my two dejected daughters finished their tasks and headed to their rooms, the still quiet voice of the Holy Spirit made it's way into my heart and said...

"Now you know how I feel...."

I love you...and I'm patient with you..."

"Be more like me"

Matthew 11:29 - Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart: and you shall find rest for your souls.

I'm on my way upstairs to kiss my girls and tell them I love them. Although their obedience is of utmost importance, so is my love. Lord, help me to learn to parent with love...the kind you parent me with.

Best Beef Stew

Ok...so I'm trying to be a Proverbs 31 woman and realized that a P31 woman wouldn't throw away perfectly good food. So...I proceeded to try to figure out what I could do with perfectly good remains of a roast we had earlier this week. Hmmmm....let's see! I know...Beef Stew!
But I had never made it before and didn't really know how in the world to go about making it.
I started perusing some of my cookbooks that have barely seen the light of day, only to find that Beef Stew can be a complicated thing.

Back to the drawing board. I went back to my "frig" and scoured some more to find that I had other things left over from different meals during the weak. I decided to throw a bunch of unrelated stuff in the pot, risk wasting the perfectly good leftover roast, and take my chances...

Let's see...

roast...sliced and diced...cooked carrots cut a little smaller...roasted potatoes diced...a can of corn....some frozen okra...don't forget that leftover gravy....ok...that doesn't look like enough liquid...let me add some water....ok...wait...a little more...that looks about right...now...won't all that water make the stew too watery?...i need some flavor...how about a beef bouillion cube...i've always had those on hand and never known what to do with them....let's let that simmer....ok...maybe i should add a little seasoning...ok...that one has never been used before...let me try a little random concoction of seasonings and see what i come up with ....alrighty...a little garlic power cuz garlic is in everything...

I didn't know I had it in me but....

After all of that tossing and guessing and hoping...my husband sat down to eat after having the kids on errands this morning. I asked him not to eat out w/the kiddos cuz I had made lunch. Everyone came home to eat. Jessie said that he was so glad that he hadn't stopped by Whataburger! Jessica said that the soup was better than the soup her Granny makes! We had to force feed Sumo (yes...I know there is irony here with the name) but what no big deal. We always have to force feed my preschooler so I didn't take it personally.

Wow...imagine that...later tonight Jessie said that this was the best beef stew he had EVER had. The pot throughout the day has slowly dwindled down to little of nothing as my family has eaten a little here and a little there...

Whooda thunk?

I wonder if that is how God works out wonderful creations with me. Really, he doesn't want his creation to go to waste and so he takes a little here and a little there of my leftovers that are really not good anymore standing on their own. What God can do with my "leftovers" is amazing...

God starts with Chrystal...sliced and diced...pride that's been cooked and he cuts it a little smaller...independance that's been roasted and diced ...He adds a little can of purpose....some frozen hope that she thought wasn't worth anything...don't forget that leftover prayer....even though she wasn't a prayer warrior let me work with what she gave...ok...that doesn't look like enough faith...only a mustard seed worth...let me add some love....ok...wait...a little more...that looks about right...now...won't all that love make the new Chrystal to watery and wimpy...i need some flavor...how about some of my power...I always have that on hand and never can find anyone who wants to do something with it.....let's let that simmer....ok...maybe i should add a little seasoning...ok...she can use some of the Holy Spirit's discernment and vision...and i don't want to forget FIRE cuz that one has never been used before...let me try a little random concoction of seasonings and see what i come up with such as passion, selflessness, righteousness, purity of heart....alrighty...a little grace cuz grace is in everything...

I didn't know I had it in me but....

God did and I'm amazed at the work he is accomplishing in my pot, my vessel of clay.
More than my husband loved the stew, I want to hear him say the same thing about the work that he sees God doing in the soul of his wife.

That's when I'll know that I've really turned into the P31 woman. I don't mind simmering awhile so that everything is just right. A little heat won't hurt anything :)

HALLELUJAH...We finally found the remote!

For the last two weeks, we have been without our remote. We looked EVERYWHERE, more than once, in great detail, and no remote.

I have know idea how irritating, nerve-racking, and frustrating living without a remote for so long can be. To think that we actually had to get up and turn the channels manually!
Back in the day of televisions with knobs, this would have been a small price to pay, but today when you add in satellite television, what used to be 7 or 8 channels is now 300-400 channels. You have no idea how long it takes to scroll manually from Good Morning America on Channel 8 to Sesame Street on Channel 291! It'll make a person rethink paying money for all those channels that are so hard to access!

In the 10 minutes it takes me to complete the task of moving from one television program to another, Sumo can pull off a diaper, Kano can roll off the couch, and Gracie can sneak in a nap during school hours. Needless to say, we watched a lot less TV during our remote crisis.
We looked EVERYWHERE for the remote. We reached in cushions, emptied bags, rummaged through trashcans, overturned toy baskets, and opened every kitchen drawer. I even think I looked in the car.

On this day, our day of rejoicing, I was sitting with Gracie at the kitchen table going over the day's assignments. We were discussing our Bible reading. As I explained the depth of completely sacrificing oneself and desires to God, VOILA!, there it was. Mid-sentence, I cried out REMOTE!!!!

Everyone immediately jumped from their seats and said in unison "WHERE"!?
Unbelievably, the remote was sitting on a ledge. This particular ledge faces our dining room table. It houses a picture frame, candle, and an artificial ivy plant. I pass this ledge multiple times a day. To make matters worse, this very day I reached up and adjusted the ivy. As soon as recognized the remote I realized that I remembered seeing the remote earlier that day. It just didn't "click".

IS THAT A MESS OR WHAT!?!?!

That got me to thinking....How many times is something that I seek from God right there in my face. I'm seeking, and overturning, and digging, and rummaging, trying desperately to find something that is right in front of my face but maybe just in an unexpected place.

I looked for that remote in all the "expected" and "normal" places that are known for remote loss and never once considered looking on the ledge. If I would have just gotten out of the box a bit, I would have saved my index finger all of that pain and inconvenience.

I wonder what God is waiting to reveal to me as soon as I stop trying to put Him in a box and to find him in the expected places.

What a lesson learned. Hopefully, next time I'm in need of insight, the remote won't be the teaching tool!

Being a Momma & a Wife AIN'T FOR PUNKS!!!

It occurred to me this evening as I got up to clean up the kitchen that I didn't feel like it. What was more amazing is that I realized how many times over the last week, month, and year I've felt the same way about quite a few of my new found responsibilities in wifehood, and mothering.

Truth is, there is very little room for selfishness and for whining in this place of servanthood. If I took the route of bemoaning my fate, things would only get worse and then I'd have a bigger whole to dig myself out of.

If I don't do the dishes, they pile up. If I don't do the laundry, we have no clean clothes. If I don't pay the bills, we have no electricity (worse no TV).

I can't even imagine what life would look like around here if I did only what I feel like doing. Hence, I've discovered that this path in life is not for sissies or for women who are not made of tough stuff.

I've discovered that my best days are the ones where I arise early to get myself together before the troops converge and also where I got to bed later than everyone to make sure that things are at a good starting place for tomorrow.

Today, I started dinner shortly after finishing breakfast. Putting a chicken in the crockpot made my dinner prep all of 30 minutes at 6pm. Making gravy, roasting potatoes, cooking up some rice, and throwing together a salad was almost effortless. I also, made a menu for the rest of the week that allowed me to make my grocery list, which made it possible for me to get in and out of the grocery store in 30 minutes flat. Being semi-dressed (dressed but not glamorous) before my crew arose allowed me to somewhat composed when my doorbell rang. These are small things but huge when I can sigh at the end of the day and realize that I've given my all.

A day like this shines in comparison to those where I have been depressed, feeling behind, hungry, discombobulated, and stressed. Most of those days involved my self-pity and my whining about how hard things are and how much of it I can't do.

Deciding to take my home and family on like a champ and not cowering...basically not being a PUNK....has made this day flow a lot smoother.

I tell you....everyday I live is another day that I idolize my mother's ability to keep it all together for us and then step out of the house looking like a million bucks. I'm not there :) but I figure I'll get the hang of it one day. As long as I don't punk out!

Christmas is WAY too early

I expect for the stores to bombard us with Christmas early but it seems like this thing is out of control.My neighbors have their Christmas lights up and yesterday one of the Christian radio stations was playing Christmas music.

I mean...CAN WE DO THANKSGIVING FIRST!!!

I for one love spending the holidays with family. But I DETEST feeling the pressure that this commercialized holiday puts on me to perform. I am easily stressed out when it comes to doing things RIGHT. Christmas, as deemed by our society, has too many demands and I just can't keep up. Baking, gifts, parties, holiday cards, visits, decorating, Christmas photo, etc...etc...can spell...PRESSURE AND STRESS. So....I just wanted to know if anybody else feels the same.

This year, my aim is to make this holiday special to ME! I still want to love on my love ones but not to the "nth". I aim to have a few quite evenings in front of the fireplace with a good book. I plan to watch the Sound of Music with my girls over some popcorn and some hot chocolate. I plan to keep some kind of Christmas candle burning...and I plan to shop AFTER Christmas for deep discounts. Now, if I can only get up to the guts to tell my family I don't want to go deep into the gift giving. :)

Trivial Pursuit Relieves Stress

Tonight a special thing happened. I made up my mind to play a game of Trivial Pursuit with my teenager. I was determined to make Sunday a family night and spend some relaxed time with my oldest daughter. She was so excited and would not let me forget what I told her I would do.
I almost found myself avoiding playing the game because I wanted some time for myself and for my list of things to do that is always a mile long. I hung in there and kept my promise.
We invited Dad-E-O to join in. He did. The day had been an extremely stressful one for him and although I'm sure that he would have rather vegged out in his TV chair, he joined us.

What happened was something I couldn't have paid money for. We all relaxed. We all laughed at each other, our silly answers, and our lack of common sense. We enjoyed each other's company and most of all...

WE DESTRESSED...

My husband thanked me after the game. Why? He said that "he need that".

Who would have known that playing a game of Trivial Pursuit would have relieved some pressure?

It never ceases to amaze me how many opportunities I pass up to enjoy life b/c I think that there are so many things I "have" to accomplish in my life. Slowly, I'm getting that checking off a task list does not bring nearly as much joy as stopping to smell the roses. This message is slowly making it's way from my head to my heart.

Chunking Children

Today was a long day. It seemed to never end. I woke up tired and after staying in the house all day, I'm STILL tired. Sumo woke up sick and Kano woke up needy. Wiping a nose contantly and while holding a baby is not an easy task. Add to that no breakfast and a late lunch and you have one exhausted Mama.

Sad enough, there was no routine or organization in this day. No, all of my schedule making and planning was nonexistent. Sumo watched TV from the moment he woke up until naptime and then after his naptime he watched another kiddie movie. He was too tired and sick to do anything and I was too tired and worn out to try to come up with anything interesting.
With all of this "hard work" today, I had no energy left for the bedtime routine. My baby boys were all but thrown into their respective beds so I could have some time off. My poor two year old looked so hurt when he realized I was taking him to his room. But..."off you go little one". Mommy needed a break.

I can't believe how lazy I was today. Not just how lazy I was but how lazy I felt. Just like a bum. These are the days that make me wonder why I'm even here on earth and what possible good I'm doing on this earth.

Even though today was a failed day by all of today's perfect Mommy standards and although my children didn't get their bedtime story and special routine, I still believe that they were better off from having been with their Mommy and having cuddled with their Mommy on the couch. Even though I had only enough energy to lay on the floor and play with Kano and his ball with one hand while my other hand held my head, he got one on one with me. Even though, Sumo had a runny nose, his Mommy wiped it all day long.

I'm forced to find the beauty in a day so bereft of what the world would say is worthwhile. I'm content with my contribution to the world...this day...in my living room...with my children....even if at the end of the day I chunked them in their beds.

Intro

This is my new attempt to keep a journal for others to see. I hope you enjoy my thoughts. I figure life is a journey and I should share my lessons learned in hopes that they may help or inspire you to live your best life.