.......

its 11.31 am..at the lab n im late..just realised i actually have alot of work to do before i leave for kl on tuesday. somehow i m just not in the mood to do work...nor to go home. i wonder why. i guess though as crazy i am wanting to go home..apart of me is constantly reminded of the work that im leaving behind. sure..ppl will think..gosh..its not all about work..hey..thats my motto..but its just that my work hasnt been working..arrggggg i hate my working life here..it just plain sucks..hehe jgn marah alan..bukan tak bersyukur nie..bukan tak positive..but im trying all i can..but i think im just not cut out to do freakin lab fucking work..mmm puasnya mencarut disini. anyway..that being said..i must go home..go home to my babies..families n frens
home...home sweet home..its kinda weird to say it..its been ages since i have a place to call home. kinda forget how it feels like..i know its a very warm, happy, secured kinda feeling.its been almost 15 years since i last had a home..
i can still remember the day..the day i packed my bags..tears in my eyes.. n just left the place where i grew up..the place where i actually luv gardening tending to my fav mango and coconut trees. the place where all my cats were buried..the place where i can stay n never leave. ...but then i had too..n i did. still remember during the final years..where we had to gather to listen to some briefing by the late cik timah..she actually announced in the class "sharifah, ure the only one without a home address, can u give it later?" i was like...i think that was one of the hardest time to swallow my own saliva..hehehe..then gud ole kang kang was like.."hey u can use my seremban add if u want too" i was just smilling...bagusnya ada kawan nak offer..teringat balik..my ic oso add batu pahat..gosh...how i hate writing anything else but no 64, jalan 234, sec 51/a 46100 pj. see..i can still remember that very well....so how come i had to use batu pahat or seremban address plak. well..i just told myself..sha...u must b grateful coz atleast u still hv ppl to offer u their add since i can no longer use my own.

those were the days when i felt its really hard to stop my tears from falling...im gud at pretending..damn gud if i can say so myself..but then when it gets real hard..i just go to the loo..my saviour n let the tears flow...its better that way..then to let the feeling rot me away. till today i still cant accept the fact that all my belongings from my childhood till my diploma years..all neatly packed in 5 boxes..just 5..were thrown away...thrown away by evil beings from my own home..how cud they..i mean how cud a person who is suppose to protect u..who is suppose to take care of u...is the one person who is pushing u to the edge..but thank god..i didnt jump..nope..not just yet.

as of yesterday...for once in my life..again, my belongings are at one place..together again.. in a place that i can call home. my own home. Ya Allah..hanya padaMu aku berserah dan bersyukur. I think only God understand how i feel right now. the feeling is kinda overwhelming..but i know im not dreaming. sometimes i get scared to say it out loud..coz childhood superstitious says if u say it out loud, it would be taken away from u. But today i have learn to i leave everything to God. U can only try n do ur best, n the rest is up to God. if its meant to be..its meant to be. so no need to panic about anything anymore.
so there goes..my thoughts for today. im still scared...don know why..i guess bad habits are hard to die :)
Alhamdullilah..Thank U Allah for all the blessings that you've given me...for the things that ive received n for those that i didnt

ahhh see...ive totally forgotten about this blog.again..anyway was very the surprise gitews to see one of my sifu's comment..heheh never thought ppl will actually read this..anyway..nd for ur information i can't open ur blog dear..i wonder why..
anyway..yesterday was kinda fun, clean the house, n clean n mop n went for groceries shopping for jk's farewell party today. then later at night we spent the whole time cooking..the menu is...since jk is leaving n her specialty is rendang...we thought of doing a raya menu..hahahha raya cina menu rendang..well...i did my kuah kacang..buleh lah..atleast this time my kacang tu masak..n jk did her rendang ayam...we cook 2 ekor..but i have a feeling im goin to eat 1 ekor..so later after my lab im gonna run to the butcher n get another 2 ekor ayam..haha call me tamak..but its better to be kenyang then sorry kan..gosh..i must go n do my lab cepat2...nanti sik masak itu ayam..ahh n im doing my sambal udang..i hope it wont be pedas..
ahhhh n today is my sis's birthday....felt bad coz i was suppose to call n wish her but i actually woke up late..n end up she woke me up instead...well happy birthday adikku sayang..hanya Allah yg boleh membalas jasamu. :)

well 3 more days to go!!!!!!! Insyallah...cant wait to see my babies...
amin...

shit as..

so today is the day..that i realised the shitty results ive been getting is due to my fucking shitty mistakes...i was like what the toot!!!!! what on earth was i thinking..how could i make such stupid fucking silly mistakes..gosh...ive sort of told atuk about it..but i don't think he quite got the idea that it was solely my mistake...he said..well u learn...i actually don't hv the guts to tell L...coz I'm sure she's gonna give me that "oh u r sooo stupidos" look..hehe im giving myself that look now..wish my legs r good so that i can give my big dumb ass a good hard kick. anyway...lesson learned..im such a clumsy shit ass..
never say quit till u die..thats my motto since young..so i shall move on..

so why am i writting in my blog again? well sometimes the best person to complaint to is to yourself..so i can curse as much as i want too..as long as i don say it out loud..haha im still trying to quit swearing..can i do that? i've sort of quit smoking..though i did start again for awhile..but ive stop again...so i guess i can do the same for swearing..

ok.....back to work sha..back to work

a new beginning...a new season?

wow..its been ages since i write..seriously ages...im not so into writting..n just recently i realised that i cant write anything at all..im not gud with kind words or just plain words..i know thats the issue i hv since school...can't write long essays or karangan...im always straight to the point..kata org kampung..no foreplay gitews..which is bad isnt it..anyway..rite now i think i just wanna write something..i know there's no flow..n i know there's no subtopic or whatever..but what the heck..

coming back to how i know im not gud in writting...well..its somebody's birthday n all i could write on fb was...happy bday dear..nak tulis panjang lagi but tak tau apa mau tulis...same goes when i want to email tempat kerja..nak update konon...pun sik tau apa mau tulis...have i lost the touch of expressing myself...but then again..thats me...masa final year exam pun..org tulis berbuku2 (i hate when the guy next to me ask for another answer book)..habis aku mencarut..but then baca doa balik to cover my mencarut tu..hehehe.. well.i only use 1/4 of a page to answer the same question. i know straight to the point is gud..but sometimes u must be able to explain n express certain things better. now i know i suck in writting papers too...thats for sure..so..is writting in this blog a good practise? well..lets see...
so i guess i must start somewhere right...though i cant say blogging is a gud way..but its a start..
here goes..

desperate hero....wanting to be saved in a foreign place...somebody help me....

somebody save me......well thats all i can remember from smallville's song, even though i hate that show, but kinda like the theme song though, especially at this moment. At this moment, me being away from home for the first time in my damn 35 fucking years of life. Well, i'm coming to my 3rd month now, so far so good, not that good, but Alhamdullilah for what I've received and that i've not. if somebody can give me 150k, i will definately go home..hahah..call me non-grateful bitch if you want, but that's how i feel right now.

well, i just can't seem to update my facebook at this point, not quite sure why, but i just can't. i guess here is where i shall pour out my soul, in hope some freaky weirdo will somehow give me 150k? amin....

Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you

positive! positive! positive!!!!!!!

Positive! Positive! Positive!...yup..thats what Allan used to tell me...rite to my face, at the time when all I do was just to complain....complain...complain. I guess we tend to do that alot...I m sure..but then again..there are those who chose to keep shut about almost everything...even to their last breath...but what can I do..Im not one of those nobel people...I like to let things out...get it out of my chest..out of my intoxicated system(the only thing intoxicating me at that time was my uncle SALEM-menthol). But I learned something...after Allan told me off that day(i think it was somewhere...before he left for bintulu for gud..so so sad)...I didnt learn immediately on that day..oh no..I was furious...n i guess i must have complain about him to somebody else..hahahah..but later..i realised..its true...whatever he said was true. THAT IN LIFE..SOMETIMeS ITS JUST GUD TO KEEP OUR DAMN BLOODY F-CK-NG MOUTH SHUT!! betul tak noq?? betullll kannnnn..

And why is this the topic for the day?? well..for one..there's just too many things happening..well not that many..but still a lot thats goin on...that sometimes i just feel like quitting...quitting whatever it is that im doin..including life.

But...Im not gonna do that..not just yet...Ive gone thru too much to just let it go off easily....way too much..so..im not gonna complain..not just yet...hehehe...those were the days when i spent like 500 bucks just on phone calls to call nd..jrol..n allan..yes..even selepas ku dimarah...aku masih tidak serik...Ampun tuanku...nope..im just gonna write here..while listening to my new liking of music..beautiful songs by ungu..peter pan..rossa..n samsons..and...my new fav song is NALuri lelaki..gosh..im so lesbian!!

well...thats it...my thoughts for today...for now. more to come?

i hate this!

i really hate this..just when i thought i can get this thing started..my working place seems to block the page..i really wish somebody can help me out here...forget about asking the it technichian...he'll be thinking that I have sooo much of free time (which i really do have)that I can spend it all on blogging.
i just don get it...we just cant open the blog page. Funny thing is...i can still have access to the main blogger page..so thats why im still writting...even though i cant see..or read anyone else's page...damn bloody irritating son of a pig....wow...sudah lama tak mencarut...miss the gud ole times when i curse as much as i smoke...but...i sort of quit both...life sucks.

well...my two other sifus said they are gonna link my page to theirs...i guess they too have plenty of time for blogging...hehehe...Ampun tuanku...

anyway..thats all for now..need to change my clothes..me smell like kambing...n yes..i really do smell like kambing rite now.