How My Freedom Came From Darkness

I went to the auditions for 'A Christmas Carol' with really no hope of getting in. I had auditioned 3 or 4 times before for the same role and never received it. I also knew I was going to be gone for 10 days right before the show opened. I accepted it and went for the sake of brushing up on my auditioning skills. I ended up getting called back. I looked around at the lovely girls who had been called back and I felt old. I figured they must not have looked at my scheduling conflicts yet as I listened to their beautiful voices. I knew my chances were small and yet I was so nervous I could barely breathe for my singing. I returned home and accepted that I had done my best. They told me they would let me know the next morning. That morning did not go well.

I awoke feeling overwhelmed and stressed to the max. I remember telling my mom that I didn't care if I got in because I could barely handle everything I was doing then and there. Add in the thought of having to do finals a week into the show! I just knew I couldn't do it. So, there I was sitting in my geology class taking notes when my computer dings (Don't forget to silence your computer before EVERY class). There was a new email in my inbox. I saw that it was from the stage manager. My heart was racing. I felt sick. I had been rejected so many times I didn't know if I could handle it again. There was also the side of me freaking out hoping I didn't get it because I just didn't know how I was going to do it with school and work. Well, I stupidly read the email during class. I had been offered the role of 'Belle'! The role I had started auditioning for my jr. year of high school. She is young Scrooge's fiancee. I was so filled with excitement that I couldn't focus in any of my classes for the rest of the day.

Now, I know this is a long story explaining something so small. Yet, for me it is enormous. I lived my life prior to my experiences this summer in fear of failing. I feared I wouldn't be good enough. I didn't want to disappoint those I loved, so I stopped trying in many things. When I married I decided to give up the dream of performing on stage. I thought it was my duty as wife. It was also an easy way out incase I failed. At least I would be a wife and mother and that I knew I would not fail at! Then, I failed at that too. I ended up with divorce papers after only ten and a half months of marriage. I had failed at the one thing I thought I would be able to do easily; Not thinking that marriage in and of itself was easy, but that I had the determination to handle and fix whatever it may throw at me. My darkest nightmares never even presented the idea that I might fail in that most sacred covenant.

Those that have followed my blog know that my divorce was hard for me. But, it has also brought tremendous blessings. When I look back on how fear kept me back from many dreams and goals that I had I know my divorce happened for a very distinct reason in God's great plan for me. I would not be anywhere near the woman I am today without that black time in my life. Oddly, it was once I accepted the divorce that I began to feel free. I realized I didn't need to give up my dreams. I could still do the things that I loved. I knew that I had done my best in that relationship and that knowledge made it so I could move on.

It still took months for me to realize how much of a hold fear had on me and achieving my dreams; Even my small dreams. So much joy and happiness has come from letting those fears go and trusting in God and knowing that HE wants me to do those things that I love. I don't have to sacrifice those things that make me whole. This has become an important realization to me when it comes to dating. I know now that I need someone who will support me in those things and that I need to be able to support him in those things that make him happy.

I have not felt as happy as I did this fall as a single woman in school, working two jobs, working at the temple, performing in a musical, and still finding time for friends. There may have been days where I seemed crazy because of all that I was doing (not being able to focus in class, not getting enough sleep, leaving to nanny in Hawaii right before finals and the play opening...) but I was happy. I am growing as a person and it feels right. I would have never done any of these things if I were still married. I'd probably still be trying to be the perfect wife and never feeling like enough. God works in curious ways. But, as He's proven to me, He does know what is best for us and what will make us grow into the sons and daughters He wants and needs us to be. He has helped me overcome many fears and is helping me overcome those that still loom in front of me. Even if they are as small as going to audition for a play :) Remember that God loves you and that "love casteth out fear" -1 John 4:18.

Check and... Check!

My last post was about things I was considering doing. Well, most of those have been achieved! October was a big month for me. I got accepted to BYU and now I'm prepping for my auditions and readying my portfolio I have to turn in to get into the Media Music program. I figured it's a better fit than MDT for what I want to do with my music. It involves bunches of composing which I've always wanted to learn to do and that will help me with making my own CD. School starts on January 4th and I'm not going to lie. I'm a little stressed about it.

School this last semester was great! I received an A in every class but one. My dad thinks I could have done better, but I feel that I did better than expected since I was working and in a play as well! In October I was also cast as Belle (Young Scrooge's fiancee) in 'A Christmas Carol' at the Hale Theater Orem. I have wanted to do a show there for years and I loved it! I can't believe it had been six years since I'd done a show. I'll do a full post on this later.

My favorite thing about October is that I was called as a temple worker! Now, every Friday night I work in the baptistry. The people I work with are absolutely wonderful! We have fun and all became good friends right off the bat. I love that this is planted in my week. It always lifts me up and helps me through my week. This was a little miracle in my life since you're not usually even able to be considered as a temple worker for 5 years after a divorce. My thanks to those priesthood holders that have given me the opportunity.

At the end of October I had my annual student recital. My students did beautifully! Though the recital is always stressful it was much less stressful doing it in October over December! I'll have to remember that in the future. We all dressed up for Halloween and that made it even better!

In November I went to Hawaii as a nanny. It was such a neat experience and everything was so beautiful! I never thought I would have the chance to go to Hawaii and now I have been! I nannied three kids ages 13, 3, 2 over ten days. We stayed in a beautiful home right on the beach. And here are a few pictures-

December ended with lots of performances for the play and a move. I now live in a nice little condo with one other roommate who is just wonderful. Yay for good changes!

So, these last few months have been CRAZY! Plenty of people wondered why I did it to myself, but I will tell you why. I did it because all of the above things I love. I love my two jobs (teaching and nannying). I loved being in another musical. I love working at the temple. I've enjoyed being in school. It's like I'd need one to balance the other. After begin at school from 7am-2:30pm and teaching right after school until 5 or 6 play practices (or performances) were something to look forward to. They all balanced me and brought me happiness and if they do that then why not make like a little busier!

So Much New That I Don't Know What to Do!

First, answer me this... Why am I blogging when I don't have my final essays done for my application to BYU?? Well, maybe because life is just so darn wonderful!

That's right folks, I'm going back to school! I'm just a teensy-weensy bit on the nervous side since I haven't been to school in 4.5 years, but I'm really excited. I love to learn and this time it's for me. I'm trying to transfer to BYU in January, thus the application (an application that was started in 2005). Can I whine for just a moment and say how much I hate essays. I better get used to it going back to school, but why do there have to be so many! The goal is to get into the MDT (Music, Dance, Theater) program and hopefully meet some people that will help me achieve my goal of putting an album out. Cross your fingers and wish me luck!

I also moved back home about a month ago. It wasn't really planned, but it has really been for the best. There were some problems at my last place and I had to get out fast and didn't have time to find a new place. This time around it's kind of nice. I feel like I'm really taking some of my relationships with my family to a new level. It's nice to have a family to do family prayer and scripture with too.

Today was great because I finally got one of my dream callings! I'm not sustained yet, so I shouldn't really talk about it yet, but I'm glad not to have a calling in the choir again. I have also been wanting to be a temple worker for over a year now. The thing that has kept me from it is that generally the rule is you can't be a temple worker for 5 years after you've been divorced. I've now been divorced for nearly a year and a half and they're trying to get me approved to be a temple worker!!!! I can't even begin to tell you how badly I want this!

So take all of this, add in teaching 16 students, nannying, and considering doing a musical and I'm in for a FULL schedule. It will be good. Busy, but good. Throw in dating and go ahead and make it a little more crazy! :)

Life is so full of experiences that bring joy and happiness. Granted, happiness is a decision, but knowing you're where you're supposed to be in life brings so much peace :) I wake up excited for each new day and what it has to offer. The song I have running through my head is, 'With a Smile and a Song'. Ignore the voice and listen to the words and have a wonderful, fabulous day!

Love

I nearly went all of April without writing... my bad. I have made a few life altering decisions that have made life so much more beautiful. It all started with dating Caleb, a man who sees people and loves them. I always thought I loved people, but I realize now I never did to the extent that I could have.

Since I was 12 years old I have spent my life trying to be the daughter that was 'perfect', the daughter that never did anything wrong. I was that in all of my actions, but as a result my heart wasn't doing what is more important than anything and that is seeing people and loving them. As a teenager I never had a curfew... that's because I was always home by midnight, generally eleven. I worked hard and saved my money. This all came about by being grounded for a combined time of nine months in one year. I never wanted to be grounded again... and I never was. This was brought into many areas of my life. It brought about some mild OCD and was also brought into my marriage.

I now realize that this obsession with being perfect played a huge part in my marriage falling apart. In my mind I couldn't understand why my husband was falling out of love with me, I did everything perfectly. Laundry was always done, dinner made, house spotless, and lunches made for the next day. I made curtains for our home. I threw baby-showers. I kept my legs shaved, played hours of video-games and everything. The one thing that I didn't realize I wasn't offering was a complete emotional connection. I denied Josh the one thing he really needed and that was love; a love that was deeply connected and emotional. I did love Josh, just not in the selfless way needed for a successful relationship. I have discovered that people can sense the true meaning behind actions and my actions were not out of love. I thought they were. I honestly thought they were, but they were out of this obsession to be the perfect wife and for Josh to see me that way. It's been quite the paradigm shift for me, but it was been so worth it.

I believe that now I love Josh more truly than I ever did when we were married. I've started letting go of the little things and have stopped worrying so much. I now just live and act on the kind and loving thoughts that come into my mind and heart. My room has been a disaster for the first time in a VERY long time, but I have spent more time sincerely loving people and it has been beautiful. Now, my closet is still color-coded and my bed is still made every morning, but it's no where near spotless with everything in its place. As I have let go I have been able to see people better and why their actions are what they are. I am truly loving and now so much peace and happiness are swelling in my heart and the more peace, love, and happiness there is the more energy I have to foster more.

There has been a certain book that has helped me with this: "The Anatomy of Peace" by, The Arbinger Institute. I strongly recommend this book to EVERYONE. It has changed my life. Caleb recommended it to me and it's what he and his dad try to live their lives by and now I do. Sorry, this is so long, but my life has been full of so much insight and peace as of late that I can't not share it. I'd type so much more, but I don't want to chase you away :)

I also want to apologize to those that I may not have seen clearly and not loved as purely as I should. I have been blind, but I am working very hard at opening my eyes and my heart and I hope that you can sense it and feel it.

Life is Beautiful and Good!

Alrighty, this is a for real up date. Biggest news is that I'm dating someone and let me tell you he is wonderful! I thought I'd been treated well before, but he is a different story. He sees me for who I am and loves me for it. It brings so much peace knowing you are 100% accepted for who you are. We both share a passion for music and I love that too!! He inspires me to write music and I him so maybe I'll actually finish something I start writing! He also happens to teach relationship classes and referred a book to me to help me understand more of what he is about and what he does. The book is " The Anatomy of Peace" by, The Arbinger Institute. EVERYONE needs to read this book. It has completely changed how I look at people. The world would be a place of peace and love if people would conduct their lives after this method. It's all about gaining understanding and influence with people by actually seeing them as people instead of objects. Now, I know you may be thinking you do see people as people, which you may. This just takes it further and is what we all need to have successful relationships at home, work, with friends, spouse, children, you name it! Anyway if I were you, I'd read it :) Life is so full of beauty and beautiful people and we can only see it if we see people clearly. Now, though life may be hard right now (being sick, missing work, students getting sick, and a plethora of things) I am SOO happy and full of peace and joy!!!! Life really is so beautiful if we can see it the way God wants us to. Life is all about relationships, love, peace, and making the decision to search out those things that bring that into our life! No, I'm not just happy because I'm in a relationship with a great man, though that is wonderful :) I'm happy because I make the decision to be and because I'm starting to realize what is really important.

Counseling No. 3 and I'm Done Again!

Life has been SOO busy!!! I have neglected you for a while, but it's because there isn't a whole lot to say. My last session was nearly a month ago and Gene told me that I really am doing great and that I don't need to come back unless I had something come up that I felt I really needed help with. It's SOO nice to have your counselor confirm you're doing as great as you think you are! Life is fantastic! I love it! I'm dating a ton and making sure I'm being myself and I think that's the best part. I'm confident enough to be me. (P.S. this post was written a month ago... so sorry I'm just posting it now!)

Session No. 2

Glory, I have my computer back! I've been wanting to update, but I haven't felt like doing it at my parents house and then I got super sick. Glad to say I'm on the road to being well and whole again! On a different topic, I have me back! So I'm feeling pretty good :) It's nice to know who you are and love yourself. I haven't felt so confident about me in a looonng time. So, let me tell you about me: I love volleyball. I play every week and it's some of the best fun I have. I do like hanging out with girls... this one may sound a bit odd, but I never thought I got along well with women. I discovered I do like being around women as long is it's not a huge group. I like my body. I've always been kind of self-conscious, but what do you expect when your mom is gorgeous and daddy always asks you where your make-up is if you're going out and have none on. My dad's not trying to be mean, he just wants us to put our best self out there. I love getting to know people. I never thought of myself as a people person, but the more I talk with people one-on-one the more I love people. It's so much easier to love someone when you know them. I LOVE being busy. Part of the reason I got down on myself is that I had three weeks of down time and I just didn't know what to do with myself! Yes, there are always things to do, but not much of it felt really worth it. I love my jobs and going to the temple, institute, FHE and volleyball every week. They help my life feel/be full of worthwhile things. So, since I have found me, in my counseling session we discussed me dating. I ready to do it and do it confidently. Gene has been giving me some guidelines on what I must search for for a successful relationship. These are the four essentials: Spiritual, Kind, Hard-working, and Secure (meaning secure with who they are). If I don't see these four things within three to four dates I am to end it with that man completely; no if ands or buts. I like having these things to look for and to use as a basic guideline. I suggest every woman use it, but they need to be those things themselves. So many people are insecure. They don't know who they are, what they want, or where they're going, but to find happiness in a relationship they must know and be happy with themselves first and foremost. The best way to love yourself is to try to see yourself through Heavenly Father's eyes, because He loves you with all your achievements as well as all your faults. God loves us perfectly and who am I to argue about the quality of one of His creations, even myself. I've realized you can't really love anyone until you love yourself.