Rebirth

The Holy Week entering Easter - a renewal of faith and commitment. I felt different this year.

Monday - Wednesday: Life was ...down the hill. It felt as if I was walking towards the place of crucifixion, being spat on, jeered, mocked.. I wondered if that was how Jesus felt. I felt the burden of the cross he carried.

Thursday: The evening of prayer and waiting.. I have never knelt so long before the Lord, yearning for his presence, for his grace and mercy. I have never felt so sorry before him.. putting myself in Judas' shoes. I was sinful.

Friday: What greater love than a man to lay down his life for another. It was a day of solemness, a day to reflect the perfect love portrayed.. and a day of which my dear puppy died being knocked down by a car.. Much despair and hopelessness.. silence engulfed me.

Saturday: Day of breaking free from all the lowliness, all the hopelessness. For Easter - the resurrection, a new life will begin. Easter Vigil that night was wonderful, a time spent with family celebrating the new light of Christ. What greater JOY to hope for than the one from God!

Sunday: The Coffee Morning sale, a big hit despite everyone lacking rest due to last minute errands and preparations. Learnt more about making things happen than saying things happen. Being childlike was the Lord's calling. The Lord indeed rose from the dead, that even death could never do him apart .. a miracle of rebirth, in me.

I died with Christ on Good Friday, and he lifted me up on his Resurrection Day - for I am his beloved, nothing can take that fact away. (Lev 12:26)

I pray for a new life in you too this Easter! He is RISEN! Alleluia! :)

In the Calm..

In the calm.. of Your presence, I am listening Lord....

This song struck me today as I read a friend's blog. I have been having a very crazy 2 weeks, rushing over 2 assignment reports, 2 presentations, 2 friends in my group. I think I even rushed God to "do good" to me. =.=

With the upcoming trip, life was even more not pleasant. So much to finalise and everything had to be done there and then. So much for seeing light amidst darkness.

Yesterday was the presentation, 2-4.30pm, 5.15-7.20pm. A whole long day indeed. My group was the first, and being typical me- always getting the "First" lot. So we kicked off everything. I would say, I am very proud of my teammates, for they gave their all despite the language barrier, despite the many glitches - they were serious about being in a team, and doing their best for the team. :)

Rushing for RCIA Mass - Presentation of the Creed, I arrived 2 minutes before it started, much to Fr Albert's astonishment that I was almost late. I was grateful I did not crash anyone during my drive from college to Church. Haha.

Rushed for EMMM meeting after that, to know that meeting was ending. -.- My college mate resisted attending meeting after nights of endless assignment rushing. It was a day of fast. Lol. Adrenaline rush, he said. Haha. 'Cause immediately after we're done with our presentations, we felt hungry and tired. Hmm..

Amidst all the happenings, be it of my will or not, I felt God's presence in the people around me. I actually trusted my whole presentation day to him, knowing he would put words into my mouth when I forget what to speak about. It was difficult to trust the whole morning, because I was so tired from the previous night and weak as I was, my human side told me to strive harder and work from my self limits. But God was all so amazing, to grant me a Spirit-filled stomach, mind and soul. He was amazing, to the extend that I said "I am presenting for the Lord, and I will present my best for the Lord." Knowing he is standing beside me always, I trusted. And HE never failed my trust.

All glory to the Almighty KING!

As the week died down a little, the trip will continue to boost up the confidence that God does not stop working just in my study life. He will journey with us and I pray and trust, that he will use us, his unworthy instruments for the salvation of all!

Time to sit still. Care to join me? :)

Careless

The week was a really holiday break. Life practically stopped just for the fun of the festival and I forgot about everything else except living the best of the week.

And of course, the consequences that come with it.

Somehow too long a break can reduce the effeciency of the brain and I end up being very careless with almost everything which lead to dissatisfaction of mind.

With the currect change in the cycle of life (supposedly new year has begun), productivity is to be enhanced. Less of the bad, and more of the good.

The future, I can't predict. But all I know is that someone's holding me to face it. With that, I trust and live in faith.

December

As the dates increase, here comes another month. If you had checked my planner, this is the busiest month - till bookings had to be made beforehand - the stress of being busy.

December, the Christmas month. This year there's more of it. Perhaps due to the surrounding that makes up the Christmas-sy mood.. Joy to the world~

Come to think of it, a friend introduced a new song: Do You Hear What I Hear. Nice. I like.

So what's been happening previously? (I'll do it in ringkasan style)
1) Going around the street of Kuching looking for tourists. XD And end up the BEST record, 5 persons in 4 hours! (Wheeee~) and the worst record... haha, ONE in 3 hours. =.= So much for the kilometres of walking. But it was fun? Hmm... yeah, the breeze, the sun, the laughter. [Shall we do it again? :P]

2) Assignments...ooh. This is the "fun" part, redoing an assignment you had previously finished. Aiyah the microsoft word lo... Blame it on them. Well, also my fault la. Hence, (sigh) but over liao. :D Done. Forgotten.

3) Work. Aiyer, this one. Freaky. It just comes 'boom' from the sky, and there you have it in front of you. No wonder shoulders are aching much lately.

And upcoming...
1) Finals. Whoa, quite near. :S

2) Carolling. Hmm, this one.. :)

3) Christmas!! Because the best part after that is... REST!! (Me love Christmas - 'cause Jesus came to save the world!)

December will be a fast month, don't ask me why. It's just so. Till then, welcome home friends from abroad!

Update

Camp just finished last Friday. I guess the committee was rather proud of it, the fact that all happened as planned. :) Animating the camp was okay I suppose. Slept none the first night, as the ambiance was new, but the second day tire everyone out, me included. Nothing much to comment on as of now, just a couple of outstanding leaders and some minor glitches to look into for future camps.

Got back from camp, and went back half hour after that because some bags were not loaded into the bus? Funny. Made the trip back up and down again, realised that kolo mee at 10 mile was RM1.20 only for kosong.

Couldn't remember what happened that night. Haha.

Class the next day was fine. Whatever happened to Starbucks and free coffee? Other than class, got the presentation script done (somewhat) and the rest of the Saturday went as how it would normally go.

Sunday. Supposed to sleep after coming home from Mass and breakfast, but strained to get the script done. The presentation was in the afternoon, according to a friend/team mate it was terrible. Result for being spontaneous. But what I think is that everyone tried their best?

Some things are better left unsaid.

Unending Weeks

After the big bang of new movie 2012; of which I'm quite curious on its graphics, I start to think that these busy weeks of mine would end soon. (Ya right, in my dreams.)

It just felt as if I was busy last week.. and this week I'm even more busy with even more things? Now how did that multiply.

Sometimes I question if my decisions are ever right. I end up doing more than I should, but the tiny voice inside says it's for the good of all? Oh gosh. 24 hours, please lengthen.

Priorities

Nothing much to talk about lately. Routine's been mostly similar and year-end is coming soon. Despite the excitement of Christmas and the grand celebration of the birth of that special someone (ooh! can't wait!), we've still got to wait for it to come. =.=

So, priorities. Ah...one difficult term to practise. Sometimes I wish there's a reminder to beep in front of me and tell me what's my priority at that moment. :D The ones with neon lights would do great.

Juggle juggle juggling... hope the balls won't fall so soon.

Loosen up

It feels rather funny not to do anything. Well some people can just live without working and be free all the time, while others must get their feet moving lest they die of boredom. I think I'm more to the latter.

Lately life has been pretty much loosened up, I would say. Not so much of rushing as compared to earlier months this year. Perhaps just a 'transition' period to cool down a little. :) So not used to it...

Someone, teach me to sit still and do nothing.. I suppose I didn't learn that when I was younger.

So if your life is hectic and busy, find time to sit still and watch the clouds go by. And if you're always too free for everything, find things to do that will benefit yourself and others. :)

Dissatisfaction

Many times we complain. We grumble when things don't happen the way we want them to, or that they just don't satisfy us. We humans love to be loved, to be satisfied. But most times we get dissatisfied. What actually satisfies us?

Money?

Fame?

Love?

Friends?

Food?

Sleep?

Pain?

Laughter?

I don't know about you, but I personally try not to be dissatisfied when things just walk the opposite direction to mine. It is hard yes, especially when you live such a good life as compared to those out there homeless, food-less, and what more to say internet-less and have no knowledge about computers at all.

I find myself working so hard to get things satisfied for others. Why? I have no answer for that. Perhaps it's just by nature that it happens that way in my flow of blood. Or maybe that's how I was brought up - a developmental effect?

Despite going through all that, I'm still not satisfied on my own part. What actually satisfies me, that's a question I'm longing for an answer. Without knowing what satisfies you, is like living a life without any goals to achieve. A dead living.

So what satisfies you?

Over

Got it over with. Ah. :)

What's done is done, no time machine can turn back the time. I suppose what we can do is learn from mistakes and do better next time. Oh, do you know that sometimes we often overlook the mistakes we've made, pretending they're not there... and we repeat those mistakes never realising how they affect your own self or others.

Somehow I think mistakes are meant to be made at times, for without them we can never learn and grow to be better homo sapiens. :)

So, what's next?

Let's stand up again! :D


The eye says: Punctuation marks tell a lot about someone's feelings in their writings. Check it out. :)

H1N1

Everyone seems to be talking about it. Death toll rises daily, number of those infected is also increasing rapidly. Precationary steps must be taken to hopefully prevent the continuing spread of the deadly virus attacking the lungs.

Many schools were closed in Malaysia. Increasing number of higher learning institutions can be seen, and more and more people are getting worried? for once.

Travelling is a no-no. Going to public crowded areas is not encouraged. Masks are recommended. Perhaps getting a flu shot should be considered.

Why the sudden chaos anyway? How and why did it happen or spread in the very first place? I shiver to think of someone I know, or someone close to me lying in bed at the hospital quarantined. Such cold atmosphere, feeling all so lonely and rejected. I feel sorry for those whose family members were affected, those who left before us because of this pandemic.

What is the reason behind all these tears and sorrow, grief and mourning, worries and fears?

I might be exposing myself to such danger, but I pray all will be fine. Little do I want those around me to experience such downturn in their lives. All the same, always be careful I would say. Know your limits and take care of yourself, for no one else can do better than you yourself.

I suppose it's time to look at ourselves and think for others for once; for before you know it, I might be here today but gone tomorrow. At least live the best for today, now that the world is turning in such direction.

Have no regrets. :)

Venturing Out

Ever felt at times you wish to try something new, something ..out of the ordinary? But contradicting that feeling is the thought of face, or the what would people think about me mindset which usually stops us from going out and trying new things.

Actually... one should just put them all aside for once, and feel the ultimate freedom. :) It's rather nice, once in a while.

Break free.

Today I gave in to curling my hair. *gasps* It sounded so-really-not-me but the fun of running away without the goody-two shoes for once, is unforgettable. *big smile* Despite that, it seems fine now as I type this. My hair's back to normal. :D

So. Your turn. :) Put a foot outside your circle and experience the difference altogether in that short period of time. It might be as simple as curling your straight hair or as complex as making a life decision... :) easy or hard, dare yourself for the challenges that come your way through those steps you take, and embrace the fun time you'll bound to have!

Who Am I

Who am I
to be the one called
to be the one picked
to be the one for it
to be the one.

Who am I
to be the one from little town of Bethlehem
to be the one not looked at
to be the one unknown
to be the one.

Who am I
to be the one seen from the pits
to be the one no other can win
to be the one that always splits
to be the one.

Who am I
to be the one to say what's right and what's wrong
to be the one qualified for the throne
to be the one uplifted from the hole
to be the one.

Who am I
to be the one child of God
to be the one worthy of His love
to be the one deserving His blessings
to be the one.. me.
to be the one.

Who am I, Lord?

Ignorance

You trailed after me when things went out of your way,
You scared me.

You looked at me with screening eyes,
You chilled me.

You sent me words that never belonged to you,
You caused fear in me.

You criticised and blamed those around me,
You made me develop the barrier.

You weren't happy when all those you've done were never returned,
You blamed me.

You never took it serious, lest when you did it was too serious,
You couldn't fit it on me.

You grinded your teeth when jealousy took over,
You added more bricks.

You were never sincere enough to tell me in face,
You made me walk the other path.

You told everyone about it but me,
You just ruined it.

I'm sorry I ignored you.
I'm sorry I wasn't reacting like how you expected me to.
I'm sorry I could not be the person you want me to be.
I'm sorry all these had to happen to you, but you're just not for me.
And I'm sorry I'm not for you.

I wish you the very best in your future undertakings. We can always be together, but not in such a way as you hoped it to be. I hope you understand.

Focus

It is true that when the biggest wave hits you more and more, you lose your balance and fall into the water. And that somewhat killed your spirit to get up and stand there being hit again.

Having to focus on a single goal is not as easy as to work towards that goal. To focus is just one action; to work towards it involves many processes and actions, all of which changes in time.

I used to be able to focus on doing things very well. Lately being swept away by the waves, I couldn't find my legs and the ground to stand on. My mind travels at its own will, something very extraordinary I found out. :)

However, with the upcoming bigger wave hitting the shore, I am still trying to stand still and watch it sweep up instead of sweep me up.. I suppose all I need is a little reminder to focus on the ultimate purpose and goal instead of dispersing my mind. And I think many others need that too.

A reminder.

Why Problems

The problems you face will either defeat you or develop you, depending on how you respond to them. Unfortunately, most people fail to see how God wants to use problems for good in their lives. They react foolishly and resent their problems, rather than pausing to consider what benefit they might bring.

Here are five ways God wants to use the problems in your life:

1. God uses problems to DIRECT you

Sometimes God must light a fire under you to get you moving. Problems often point us in a new direction and motivate us to change.. Is God trying to get your attention? "Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30

2. God uses problems to INSPECT you

People are like tea bags if you want to know what's inside them, just drop them into hot ever water! Has God tested your faith with a problem? What do problems reveal about you? "When you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience." James 1:2-3

3. God uses problems to CORRECT you

Some lessons we learn only through pain and failure. It's likely that as a child, your parents told you not to touch a hot stove. But you probably learned by being burned. Sometimes we only learn the value of something... health, money, a relationship ... by losing it. "It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Psalm 119:71-72

4. God uses problems to PROTECT you

A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it prevents you from being harmed by something more serious. Last year a friend was fired for refusing to do something unethical that his boss had asked him to do. His unemployment was a problem, but it saved him from being convicted and sent to prison a year later when management's actions were eventually discovered. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." Genesis 50:20

5. God uses problems to PERFECT you

Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders. God is far more interested in your character than your comfort. Your relationship with God and your character are the only two things you're going to take with you into eternity. "We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us, and helps us trust God more each time we use it, until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4

Here's the point:

God is at work in your life even when you do not recognize it or understand it. But it's much easier and profitable when you cooperate with Him.

"Success can be measured not only in achievements, but in lessons learned, lives touched and moments shared along the way"

LIFE IS AN ECHO. What you send out, you get back. What you give, you receive.

WHEN YOU BRING OUT THE BEST IN OTHERS, YOU BRING OUT THE BEST IN YOURSELF.

Deep

It has never occured to me that something like these would happen all at the same time. Sharing it out never seemed to help, except more critics coming in that prioritizing was not in place. And it went really deep..

It was fine at first. Some people are just known for their interesting method of commenting and comforting speech. Some on the other hand, do not bother to think of the otherwise. Some times, little things said or done, can mean a lot to some other people; whether or not sensitivity is in thought.

Judging priority is not the easiest thing to do. Not if it involves the most important things in life. At times, won't it be great if in such dilemma, a person can just be the silent companion yet caring and nursing the quiet moments.. and not dig deeper.

I personally, think it has gone deep enough. :)

Do get some rest while I fill it up with soil again. =)

100th Post?

Whenever I read somone's blog on their 100th's post, They would surely write about how long it has been since they started writing and how things started in the first place and how things are going..

But for my 100th post, I'm not going to talk about the past and how this blog came to life. Instead this post will be about..

Future.


Ooo...sounds as if I'm a palm reader or something. But I'm not. XP

After the approach on future courses and career, I've been weighing myself lately. How would I face the future when the courses I take comes to life. How would I handle situations when the worst and least expected happens. Can I this, can I that. How this, how that.

It fills me so much with uncertainty and I dare say, fear, to know that life isn't what I thought it would be when I was younger. What will come next. What will happen in future. How will I see myself in 10 years, 20 years. How things will be. How things are going to change. How I am going to adapt to it.

I suppose it's time to think. There's no more "Oops, my bad. Let me try again." and repeat the same thing without any problems. Now there's only, "Wrong? Move forward. Learn not to do the same again." How things have changed. How time has ticked.

And not forgetting, how people have changed. =)

If we don't appreciate now, we'll never get to appreciate anymore.

Journey to the Centre of the Earth - Yourself

Today feels different than any other days. It was sunshine when I woke up but now the clouds are hovering and shedding tears of 'sadness', maybe because of the current recession causing an impact to everyone. But is that the real reason the sky cried?

A sudden thought struck me as I watched the rain fell with sweeping cold wind. It was alright just a while ago - happiness, sunshine, joy. Now it's all gloomy, cold, low. I'm not sure how it all linked together but I asked myself, am I like that too?

We as humans have our own pride. We have ego that prevent ourselves from doing the thing right, than doing what is right. Many times I questioned myself, why can't I just be who I am. Who I really am, deep inside. Whom God created in the first place.

Why do I always put a smile on my face when meeting people and yet when I am all alone, only then I dare to strip myself off naked and reveal the total inside of me. Why am I wearing masks. Why can't I be true to myself. Why. Why.

When will I ever make the journey to see the real me, and reveal the truth to others, instead of hiding them all inside, unknown. How long more will it be till this life is lived to its fullest.

The journey is hard, but there will be a time when all be unveiled. I can't wait - yet I wish the time won't come too soon..


-little cup-

Turning a Year Older

Birthday is usually the day to anticipate for gifts, wishes, hugs, etc.. My recent birthday was one out of my expectation. It opened my eyes to see how many wonderful friends I had and how much they've supported me all these while.

Let me talk about how it was on my birthday.

I was online on the eve of my birthday and chatted with a friend till past midnight. Sharp at midnight, my phone started beeping with incoming messages. And it didn't stopped till 10 minutes later. As soon I started reading the messages, more came in and filled my inbox. It took me almost the whole hour to reply every single one. But it was a great moment to know many friends care about you and remember you.

I went to sleep at 1.15am, after the messages stopped coming in. (I suppose most people were sleeping already.) I actually fell asleep already when my phone rang loudly! (at around 2am) and woke me up from sleep immediately. I was at first annoyed at the disturbance because I had to wake up early (5.30am) to start my day.. But the surprise phone call was really shocking;

The caller was outside my house.

I didn't know what to do, or how to react to a surprise like that. But I gratefully accepted the cake and presents over the gate from that 'crazy' friend of mine.

I couldn't sleep after that, but finally did at 3.30am. Woke up at 5.45am (late by 15 minutes), and more messages were found in my inbox. The day started naturally. Breakfast with parents at Kenyalang Market. Then hung around at dad's office, before going out for brunch with 2 friends and parents got dragged along.

The lunch was at Elephant, Jalan Ang Cheng Ho. It's quite a nice place except that it rained and shone at the same time. My friends paid for my meal - ice-cream on top of a piece of chocolate cake. That was enough for my lunch. We all ended up with full stomachs after that. And the nicest thing was, the shop guy played birthday song for me from the cd. How sweet. More phone calls came during lunch, and all were with birthday wishes. Lovely.

Afternoon was spent at IYCS meeting. It was great to be alumni of YCS and back with new (future leaders) faces. From there, more birthday wishes and hugs were given and these thoughts kept me awake from my lack of sleep and full stomach.

After the meeting, sent friends back home and talked a lot about a certain topic. It was really to nice to have friends who would listen to you and offer support. I enjoyed my time with them. They really made up my day and fulfilled my wishes. Thank you, you two.

Got home at 6pm, and finally rested for 10 minutes. The next minute my dog barked and the door bell rang. I went out much to my surprise and a delivery parcel appeared at my doorstep, from another close friend who was away in another town. The parents of that friend sent it to me, much to my awkwardness. But I have been close to them, so more wishes and hugs were given.

Dinner was at 7.30pm, and parents drove me to Fork and Knife where couple of friends decided to meet (on dutch). I was there at 7 with my own birthday cake made by one aunty from church. Friends only started arriving at 7.20 so I sat alone at that long table reading the menu and phone messages while waiting. The distracting part during dinner was the phone calls! But I still appreciate how friends you do not expect will remember your birthday, actually called to wish happy birthday. These friends are silent ones, I call. At one point I talked so long outside the shop that the bills got paid and it was too late for me to pay for own (since I was told we pay for own food). When I approached the shop owner for my cake and enquired about the bill and who paid, he realized it was my birthday because I asked for my cake, and just simply told me "Santa paid for it." Amazed, I just let things be and thanked God for these lovely friends.

After the dinner, we planned to go to Friendship Park, and while deciding on which car to go in to, a motorbike dashed past us, and a girl ran after it shouting, "My bag, my bag!" All happened so fast, and we found out the girl's bag got snatched while she was reading. I felt so sad for her, and we didn't know how to help her.. One friend gave chase with a car, but the bike was too fast and we missed it.

All the same, we went to the park and waited for another friend to come. The mood changed then; the girls were quite taken aback by that incident and I myself felt insecure to leave the car after that. But we stuck together and chatted till it rained, then the rain stopped and only quite late that friend arrived. But all was fun, not the part where I couldn't guess the number (silly game).. and some started going home since it was late.

Those remained chatted till I was the only girl left, and I called for parents to pick. I got home, and minutes before midnight prayed for all that had happened, thanking God for His wonderful blessings. And I slept well that night, waking up after 8/9 hours of sleep.

And today (3rd Jan), I opened facebook etc, and at the very first page found a WHOLE list of birthday wishes. Currently still struggling to reply every message.

Overall, I just want to say

THANK YOU

to every single person who wished me, hugged me, gave me presents, thought of all the nice things to make my day special.. You guys made this birthday the BEST I ever had. May God bless you always!

=)


-little cup-
(apparently little cup has grown into a big cup)