PTSD/Anxiety

Just writing the title of this is difficult. I am not really sure why. As many of you know, I have struggled with anxiety off and on the last couple of years. It seems to get worse after having babies (and of course the last pregnancy was traumatic in general). But this time I was more prepared for what was to come. Or so I thought. About a month after the babies came home, I started experiencing some really odd emotions. I would see the babies preemie clothes and my heart would begin racing and my stomach would turn to knots. I was on so many support groups on FB for the pregnancy, which was super helpful during it, but afterwards I began to feel panicked when I saw pictures of other babies in the NICU. It was difficult to look at anything that reminded me of my hospital stay or the NICU. I would have nightmares that the twins were dying. I started feeling tremendous guilt as well. I felt guilty for only being able to see the twins for 3 hours a day while in the NICU. I felt guilty I had to leave Ruby so much and leaving extra pressure and responsibility on Eric during a difficult time. What was odd to me, was that I was experiencing all of this after the twins came home. During it, I felt like I was just surviving. And after the storm passed, I was flooded with all of these emotions.

I quickly realized I needed help after someone close to me was in labor and I struggled all day getting their updates. I was a wreck and I felt like I was going to have a panic attack all day long. Even though I wanted to feel happy for them, I was sad for my own experience and I no longer wanted to feel this way. It was draining.

I am happy to say though, I have been in counseling and working through PTSD and my anxiety. Last night I had to take Ellie to the ER at 3am because she has been sick with bronchiolitis and has been having difficulty breathing. I was a little nervous. When they hooked up her leads and I heard the all familiar sounds I heard in the NICU, my heart sank to my stomach. But what I have learned to do in counseling, is to move past the negative and towards the positive. I reminded myself that overall I have happy healthy twins. We couldn't love them anymore. And I have the most supportive family and husband.

I decided to write this because I don't like sharing it with others. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I can't be more in control of my emotions. But I am learning that I am not the only one and I don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed of how I feel. I hope that it will help others!

I often reread this story that I found in the Ensign during an especially difficult time. Here is just a portion of it

Tossed upon the Waves

In the middle of my anxiety and despair, I reread the account of the Jaredites crossing the “great deep” (Ether 2:25). I can only imagine their anxious anticipation as they entered their barges. Their journey might be perilous, but they knew they were headed to “a land choice above all other lands” (Ether 2:15).

Of their journey, we read:

“The Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.

“And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.

“… When they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.

“And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind” (Ether 6:5–8).

These verses became personal to me. I felt that I was in my own barge, with winds of anxiety beating upon me and waves of depression swelling over me and burying me in the depths of despair. When I was “encompassed about” and would cry unto the Lord, I would break through the surface but would then be buried once more.

I read verse 8 again: “The wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land … and thus they were driven forth before the wind” (emphasis added). Then it hit me. The very wind that caused the mountainous waves to bury the barges also blessed the Jaredites on their journey. I had been pleading with Heavenly Father to calm the wind and waves, but without them, I might not reach whatever “promised land” He was leading me to.

Even in the ER this kid was happy and everyone loved her.

Delivery Day!

January 12th, I told my Dad that the next day we were going to have babies and win the lotto! I was just joking of course. But January 13th had a lot of significance in our family both good and bad. It was the day my Grandpa had passed away, the day my Dad had a heart attack, and the day my dad had his life saving kidney transplant. So I thought it would be a good day to have the babies and win the lotto. My doctor came in after a non stress test to review the results. The last few days, the NST's had gotten longer and longer because both Ellie and Nora were having more frequent decels in their heart rates. My contractions were also getting more frequent even with the medication every 4 hours. The doctor said, "How about having those babies today?" I called Eric at work and told him to head to the hospital. They sent me down to labor and delivery to be monitored. The decels were happening a little more. My doctor said he was giving them 15 mins and if things didn't look any better then it was baby time. He said he would wait for Eric to get there before he cut me open.

Eric arrived and the doctor said it was time to go.

I was so nervous for the c-section. For those that don't know, I have pretty high anxiety and I had been worrying about this for weeks. Not only the procedure, but how my babies would be. I watched videos of c-sections on youtube....I know. My doctor laughed at me! I walked over to the delivery room and they got me ready. I looked around the room. It was overwhelming. I couldn't believe this was happening so fast. There were so many people. One team for each baby, and one for me, plus some med students. Lots of conversations going. I was very relieved when Eric was allowed in. He talked with me and kept me occupied. I didn't even realize they had begun. After what seemed like forever, I remember hearing them suctioning ( I knew from the youtube videos that they were sucking out the fluids) and it wouldn't be much longer before I met miss Nora. They said she was almost here and I felt the tugging and here she was. My little girl that I had worked so hard for her safe arrival! She made little noises. I couldn't really call it crying. They brought her near my head and I kissed her. They took her off to the side and began working on her. I couldn't see everything they were doing and I just kept asking Eric if she was okay. He reassured me that she was. They were now working on getting Ellie out. It took a little longer and I was more nervous for her because of all the complications. When she was born, she made less noise then Nora did and I just kept asking if she was okay. I did get to give her a kiss as well before they started working on her. I just remembered feeling so relieved but still knew we had the next challenge of the NICU.

Once the girls were stable, they had Eric go with them to the NICU. I was getting put back together and started to feel some pain. They kept giving me pain med but it was getting worse. I was just about to ask if they could knock me out and then it was over.

Life in HRP

HRP was lonely. Because of the preterm labor, I was only allowed to get up and walk around my room, use the bathroom, and take showers. I had never spent a night away from Ruby before. There were many tears from both of us. The other night I was tucking her into bed here at home and she said, "Mom remember when you were gone and I snuggled your exercise shirt because I missed you?" My heart just hurt when I heard that. If any of you have seen Daniel Tiger on PBS (most likely moms here) every time Ruby would leave my room she would walk down the hallway backwards and sing to me, "Grownups come back!" We also tried to Skype every night at bedtime. We would sing bedtime songs and have prayer. Thank goodness for technology! Eric is an amazing husband and tried to be both mom and dad while I was gone. We had so many people step in to help our family. Friends and family watched Ruby while Eric was at work, set up play dates, brought her to see me, brought meals, and even came to visit me.

It was really hard to let things go while in the hospital. I would often call Eric and ask what they ate for dinner, what time Ruby went to bed, and if things were being taken care of at home (like laundry, grocery shopping, bills being paid etc.). I tried to keep myself busy...as much as you can in the hospital room. I colored, binged watched some shows, walked around my room, talked on the phone a lot, showered, and watched the helicopter land outside my window. HA! SO busy..........

I always looked forward to seeing Eric and Ruby. Although it was very hard to keep a 3 year old entertained at the hospital. We tried playing games, snuggling and watching movies. The nurses loved Ruby and would always gave her popsicles, and would take her for walks to visit the other nurses. Some days both Eric and Ruby just needed a break from the hospital though. It was a 40 min drive or so. And it was just a lot emotionally and physically (especially if Eric had to work). I totally understood, but those days were tough for me.

Before Christmas, I had posted on a community FB site asking for ideas to make Christmas special for Ruby while I was in the hospital. I was not expecting the wonderful things that followed. A lady named Micha messaged me and asked if she could bring our family dinner Christmas Eve. She had spent time on HRP and also had given birth to a preemie. I was so touched. She not only brought dinner, but she brought us preemie clothes for the babies, and slippers for me. Another woman brought us Christmas decor for my room, cookies to decorate for Santa, presents for Ruby, and lots of snacks. These women made me realize that I need to be more aware of other's needs and to be more giving. I will never forget their kindness. It truly was a Christmas our family will never forget!

Preterm labor part 2

After being in triage for 6 hours (let me tell you, those beds suck!) they sent me to labor and delivery. I had received 2 different medications to stop the labor and another round of steroid shots in the butt. They were trying to hold off on the magnesium since it has some really yucky side effects. But that is what it came down to. By then, I had called Eric to come back. That magnesium was rough. It makes you feel like you are on fire from the inside. I also remember looking up and not being able to focus. I felt like I was in a big fog and my body felt so heavy I couldn't really move. I remember telling myself I was dying and no one would be there with me while it happened. Right then a nurse walked in and told me it was time to stop the magnesium and Eric walked in right after. I felt so vulnerable and I was just so thankful they were there. My contractions were still continuing but only about every 15 mins or so. They then sent me to the HRP. High Risk Parinatal Unit for more monitoring.

My doctor's really were pushing to get me home before Christmas. My contractions were behaving on a new medication that I took every 4 to 6 hours. They sent me in for another ultrasound. I could see this one was different. Ellie's dopplers (cord blood flow) looked bad. The tech kept checking in multiple places and she was very quite. I decided to prepare myself for a longer stay, that way I wouldn't be so disappointed when they broke the bad news. My doctor brought in the whole team to break the bad news that Ellie had intermittent absent blood flow and that I would need to stay until delivery.

Every day I had an ultrasound and 2 non stress tests. As long as the blood flow was not reversed, and there were no signs of distress, I got to keep the babies cooking. It was stressful not knowing if I was going to be delivering after any one of those tests.

I have to give a shout out to all the nurses that cared for me on HRP. They moved me to a private room just before Christmas so that Ruby and Eric could stay the night on Christmas Eve. I was so thankful and so excited! Normally children cannot stay the night but they made a special exception.

The Twin's Story Preterm labor Part 1

Blogging? What how do I have time?? I don't. Eric and Ruby are shopping and the babies are asleep and I should be too. Or folding the 3 loads of laundry on the floor, Or throwing away the poopy diapers on the floor (yup...I told myself I would never be that mom that didn't throw them away right after!). Or cleaning up breakfast at 2pm....sigh. I love motherhood. For reals though.

Anyways, I have been wanting to tell the adventure of the twins arrival. We knew to expect complications with this pregnancy because the twins shared one placenta. I just didn't realize all that we would go through to get them here. Following our 2 appointments at John Hopkins, with some of the top notch doctors in the US, things began to get rough. Around 22 weeks or so, I went for my weekly appointment at the hospital and one of the doctors said to me, "Since you are getting closer to viability, we need to discuss what happens if Baby B dies in between appointments." I don't think I heard anything she said after that. I left and called my mom and bawled my eyes out. Thank goodness for moms, they sure know how to make you feel better. At that point my goal was no longer make it to 28 weeks...it became a day by day struggle. Always wondering if little Ellie was still alive. Every kick was a relief. 

The week of Thanksgiving, they told me it was time for steroid shots in case we needed to deliver early. The shots would help prepare their lungs. They also told me to expect to be hospitalized soon and to bring packed bags to every appointment. One doctor told me to enjoy Thanksgiving with my family because she knew I would be away from them soon. 

Fast forward to week 29! We did it! I couldn't believe we had made it that far. We had some friends come stay from out of town. That night we joked before we all went to bed that if we were gone in the morning then it was baby time! That night I woke up to some contractions (I had some close calls before so I wasn't too worried) After about 2 hours, the doctor told me to head to the hospital. It was around 4am. We got Ruby ready too and brought her with us. Eric was concerned but I kept telling him they would just send me home. I thought the contractions had slowed way down anyways. 

They sent me to triage to be monitored. Sure enough, I was having lots of contractions, Abut 2-3 mins apart. I was surprised since I was not feeling all of them. They started with having me just drink lots of water, then IV fluids just hoping I was dehydrated. I was only dilated to a 1. The contractions continued so they started some meds. They started to slow down. I spoke with the nurse and doctor and sent Eric and Ruby home. We all thought I would be heading home after 24 hours of monitoring. They decided to do an ultrasound to check on the babies. I remember laying there in the bed, not feeling great and listening to the other moms around me. They were in labor and so excited to see their sweet babes soon. I was terrified however. My babies were not ready and neither was I. Things looked great in the ultrasound, but my contractions started to pick up and were getting really painful. When I had to start really breathing and working through them, I knew it wasn't good. The doctor checked me again and I was at a 2 and it had only been an hour. He said. "Well you just landed yourself a longer stay with us." 

To be continued........................

TWO babies

I had a d&c procedure from my miscarriage just a few days before moving across the country. They said everything should be fine but just in case they provided me with all my medical records. On our last day of driving (I believe we took 5 days to drive from Washington to Virginia), I got a call from my doctor explaining that my test results came back and they didn't find any fetal tissue from my d&c. Which could possibly mean I was still pregnant but with an ectopic pregnancy. It was pretty disheartening. Only because I was ready to move on and it just brought all of the emotions back to the surface. We really didn't know what we should do. After consulting with a few people, we decided it was best to head to the closest hospital. We were in West Virginia. We literally found the closest ER and headed there. We found out later, they actually didn't even have a labor and delivery department. But the nurse there was the most kind person I have ever met. She was so wonderful to us during this emotional time. It turned out everything was fine and I was not pregnant. Which was a blessing. And we continued on our way to Virginia.

I went to a doctor a little after I arrived just to wrap things up as there was a lot of unanswered questions from my miscarriage.We were told to wait a few months before trying again. Little did we know, we most likely were already pregnant. Father's day weekend I decided to take a pregnancy test. It had the faintest line on it. I think I ended up taking 5 just to make sure. And the lines got darker every time. I surprised Eric on Father's day with one. He was pretty shocked. I got sick a little earlier this pregnancy and it continued to get worse and worse! Eric kept telling everyone it was because I was having twins. I told him not to get his hopes up. Or that it was ridiculous because every pregnancy is different. But he was pretty convinced it was twins. At one moment, I remember thinking to myself that these babies were making me so sick...and then I thought I mean BABY...this baby is making me sick. 

This is how we told my family. We sent them pictures of Ruby's drawings.

My first ultrasound I was pretty nervous and anxious considering how things went last time. The first thing the tech asked was, "So did you guys do in-vitro? Because there are 2 babies!" Eric just yelled, "I knew it! I told you!" I think I laughed and cried at the same time. I felt overwhelmed but at the same time, I felt so thankful to my Heavenly Father.

First picture together!

Since we have found out, things have not been easy! There are a few "flavors" of twins. Our twins are identical. They are called MODI twins because they have 2 separate sacs but share the same placenta. (top right in the picture). My doctor said to think of it as they are sharing the same feeding trough.

But MoDi twins come with complications. Well identicals in general. So identical means that one fertilized egg split. So they have the exact same DNA. Meaning they both have to be the same gender. (We get this question a lot. But all this twin stuff is confusing. I had to ask the doctors a million and one questions). With MoDi pregnancies, they monitor you every 2 weeks and you should be seeing a specialist called a maternal fetal medicine specialist. Our MFM in Richmond noticed the size of B was much smaller than A. And she asked us to come back the following week (we had already moved, but was unable to get into a new doctor right away). Its about a 2.5 hour drive. We did this 3 times! It made for long days. My appointments are usually 3 hours long. Things stayed fairly stable during this time. Once I was able to see my new MFM, he was pretty concerned about the babies. I have to be monitored weekly for the rest of my pregnancy. And I go to the Fairfax hospital for all of my appointments. Its about an hour drive if traffic isn't too bad. And again we have about 3 hour appointments. Ruby comes with me. And we have learned to pack a lunch and a hospital bag filled with toys and things to keep her entertained. She does pretty well but she is sick of going with me. They are monitoring me for 2 things at this point. Twin to Twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS) and Selective Intrauterine Growth Restriction (sIUGR) 

"TTTS there is an imbalance in the blood exchange between the babies sharing a placenta. This unequal blood sharing compromises their health, as these interconnected vessels deliver nutrients to the developing twins. One twin –the donor twin—gives away more blood than it receives in return and runs the risk of malnourishment and organ failure. The recipient twin receives too much blood and is susceptible to overwork of the heart and other cardiac complications."-John Hopkins resource

"sIUGR happens when the placenta is not evenly apportioned between the twins. The placenta provides nourishment necessary for growth and development in the womb. Therefore, if an imbalance is present, one twin may become malnourished. sIUGR complicates 10 percent to 15 percent of monochorionic twin pregnancies."- John Hopkins resource

 I am currently showing signs of both. But not enough to be diagnosed with them yet. Each appointment, some things improve but then others worsen. Because of this, my MFM sent me to the top people in this field over at John Hopkins hospital in Baltimore. My mother-in-law came and watched Ruby for us and Eric took the day off to bring me up there. I was so anxious, all I could do was squeeze Eric's hand and lean on him literally. And I did a lot of praying while I tried not to burst into tears. But the doctors and all the staff were absolutely amazing! They took over 200 ultrasound pictures and went over all of them before discussing them with us. Although they are concerned about baby B as well, they said there is no need to panic as of yet. So what's hard for me is this pregnancy is literally a week by week thing. Each week I get anxious to find out how they are doing. They treat TTTS with a laser surgery and try to separate some of the vessels. They can only do this up to 26 weeks. The babies then have a 60% chance of survival. But it can also lead to preterm labor and other complications. But without the surgery the babies have a 80-90% chance of dying. Anyways, to say this pregnancy is stressful is a understatement. I have my moments but I am so thankful for supportive friends and family! And PRAYER! I am 21 weeks as of today. I just can't wait for these little babes to get here.

Baby B 20 weeks

Baby A 20 weeks

Ruby turns FREE! (Three) Birthday letter

Happy 3rd Birthday Ruby Charlotte (you now ask us to call you that...I guess Boo Bah is a little too childish for you now)

I love this three year old business. You were so excited about your birthday. For weeks you would tell everyone that you were going to be "free in Octover"! And now its been almost 2 weeks since your birthday and you still are telling everyone about it or telling them it is your birthday. I am glad it was fun because I was worried about it not being as cool as all the other "pinterest parties". We made Baymax cupcakes and took them to playgroup at the park. And it was a hit. Afterwards, Daddy came home a little early so we could go to Cox farms pumpkin patch. You had a blast. You requested you favorite dinner of pizza. You opened presents from us and you even got a package from Mimi and Boppa. That weekend, Grandpa and Mema came and we celebrated with them too.

We are now in our new place in Chantilly, Virginia. You love the space. It is so much bigger than our tiny apartment in Rexburg. You like to ride your bike out front or on the deck. You have lots of little neighbor kids to play with. And the best part is the awesome park across the street. We visit there often. We have met so many people already and your best friend is Charlotte. We try and do things with them about once a week. You always cry when we have to go back home after playing with Charlotte. I am glad you have other friends because for a while you use to say, "Mom you're my best friend." Which I loved but absolutely felt guilty for!

Right now we are preparing for your twin sisters to come! You are doing surprisingly well with the whole idea. I was really worried about it. But you like to hug and kiss the babies in my tummy....although you also like to "shake" them too. But you always ask about them. If they are sleeping or hungry, or if they like this or that. It's pretty cute. You also have said some pretty great things about them at my doctors appointment. One being that you told the ultrasound tech that "the babies are hatching in momma's buns." I don't know where you come up with these hilarious things. I hope you enjoy them just as much after they are here! Because I know that will be a huge adjustment. Sometimes, I come into your room before I go to sleep and just snuggle you for a bit because I know we won't get as much time together after the girls come.

Speaking of your own room....YOU ARE SLEEPING IN YOUR OWN BED!!!!!!!!! It's a miracle! You still wake up a few times a night to use the bathroom or just scream in your sleep. But I have to say, Daddy and I enjoy the space. We all sleep much better.

Ruby Charlotte your Daddy and I love you so much. You always make us laugh. I can't imagine this family without you. You will be an amazing big sister.

Love Mom and Dad
(A heart means I love you....that's what you always say to me)