Wow!

What a year! A new relationship, my son's wedding, most of my co-workers retired, I went through two more semesters of school (flunked Algebra), decided to go to school full time in a different part of the state, quit my job, have to pack, and I'm going to be a first time grandma.

It has been fabulous, but taken a toll on my health. Summer is just not enough time to recover. I have tried to live my new philosophy of enjoying the moments as they come along. And I have. Every one. (Well, maybe not the 2 weeks of the sinus thing and then the draggy 2 weeks of recovery.) From talking on the phone to my kids in Alaska, to performing my interpretation of "Sally O'Malley-- I'm 50!" (from Saturday Night Live) on my birthday, to going for my first limo ride and discovering I get motion sickness, to just watching the sun sink down behind a tree at sunset. Life is better when it's simpler.

On to other adventures this Fall at another state university to study Horticulture and learn how to treat my body better. Hope your new choices bring you greater satisfaction and joy.

MATH

Need I say more.

I have studied my butt and brains out to learn this Algebra stuff and I was rewarded with a 56 out of 120 points on my first exam. The instructor for some reason decided to add an extra 14.5 points to everyones score so that brought me up to .5 points over the required 70 to still be in the running to pass the class. Considering the rest of the book is all about Functions and Graphs and the million ways you can calculate and manipulate the stupid numbers and pictures, I figure I've got at best the same chance of succeeding.

It's not that I can't do it, it's that I take an average of 3-4 times longer to work through it to allow for my slower brain to register the concepts. Time is not something that the course will give you much of.

I'm glad there are geniuses that can calculate with accuracy and speed. It's what our world is composed of today-- bridges, skyscrapers, Walmart, road maps, gadgets, health aids-- I'm just not going to be one of "those" people. I'll be one of the ones that loves things.

I've decided to make a change in Major from Pre-K/ Elementary Education to Horticulture & Landscape Design. At my age, having raised 4 kids and worked in the education field for over 10 years, has put me in mind to contribute to the world in a more direct way. Always having loved plants and nature, I felt I could not only learn about how plants work, but use them as a way for me to create lovely environments and how to raise food that will feed us today and for generations to come. I have found the pashion and reason for my existance on this planet (FINALLY!) and feel a sense of urgency and power to help change the aching earth.

Being "green" is the THING to do now, but I have been impressed with those that tirelessly fought for cleaner air and water. Who helped impliment cleaning programs along highways and around our communities. Those that have researched and written books about health and raw and organic food. About how to reduce and release our stress. What a wealth of unsonged knowledge. We live amongst the smartest and finest humans on this planet and don't even recognize them. They aren't interested in glory. They just want to get the word out. It will actually make for a more beautiful world.

Life is too short and precious to spend it screaming and flipping off someone on the highway because they cut you off. Drop back and enjoy the breeze! Look at the clouds. Think about those things that really matter to you. Are you getting what you want out of life? Why are you here on the planet?

So what does that have to do with MATH?????? Yuk. Well, I have learned some things about math. Numbers can be safe and predictable. There is a mathmatical equation for everything that exists in real life. It has a pattern and works because of the "equality on both sides of the equation". For those of you who get Basic Algebra, know that whatever you do to one side of the equation, you have to do to the other side in order to solve the problem. A lot of us keep doing things to one side of our lives without balancing out the other side(s). "Problems" don't get solved.

That's what I've learned from Math.

Heaven

This morning the moon was bright and white. Soft pink clouds hung near the moon. The sky was a pale blue, and the world smelled of spicy sycamore. It was heavenly.

The gift of Mother Nature

Nature I've experienced while on my neighborhood walks:

Hot, humid weather.... uk!

Freezing, frigid cold weather... whew!

Fresh, clean air after a cool rainstorm... ah!

Brisk, autumn air with that dry leaves smell....mmm!

Bright sun in my eyes....

Fair moonlight to light my path....

Lovely sunsets, wondrous thunderclouds....

Sprinkling rain, fierce winds...

Bare, swaying branches, dry brittle grass. Nests of dried leaves in various crooks of tree limbs. Chunks and sheets of ice, and piles of snow on the sidewalk and grass. Tree buds encased in ice. Smells of flowering trees half a block before I even get to them. Luscious lilacs and peony's in bloom. Buds bursting out of their outer shells. Shoots of spring crocus, and newly planted additions in flower gardens. Freshly cut grass, and weeds growing knee high.

Three baby squirrels scampering around an oak tree and then scurrying back to climb all over their mother. Adolescent squirrels learning how to find food and knowing when to scamper away from a human. Birds chasing squirrels. Rabbits chasing each other. Noticing a stone rabbit sitting in a flower garden, then realizing it was real. Seeing a dignified goose in someones backyard and then realizing it was fake. A mallard duck pair waddling through a front yard.

A grown bird with it's wing stuck in a chain-link fence. I set it free, but it died by the next day. A tiny bald, baby squirrel laying dead on the sidewalk-- probably accidentally fell out of the tree. I brush it into the grass. A bumblebee shell on the sidewalk. Busy, tiny ants running back and forth along their trail across the sidewalk.

Chirping crickets, droning cicadas, baby birds squawking, twittering birds in the trees, and cooing doves on a roof. A blue jay feather, and cawing jays flying from tree to tree. Robins running and stopping to peck at a bug in the grass. Worms out on the sidewalk after a rain. I stop to pick up a live one and put it back in the grass.

Lots of dogs. Some behind fences barking like crazy. Some going by in owners' cars, barking like crazy. Some sitting with owners on their front patios, barking like crazy. Others obviously seeing me (but me not seeing them) through the house window inside... and barking like crazy. Some dogs out walking with their owners-- mostly men owners-- curious. They don't bark like crazy. Those dogs are mostly little and very obedient. They enjoy the air as much as I do. They just sniff at me as they go past.

One dog is big. He never barks. In fact he pants a lot. He and his thin, elderly owner look like Jack Sprat and his wife that could eat no lean. The dog was probably fed what the man didn't eat. He looks like a sausage tube on skinny legs. Poor things, between the skinny gentleman and the fat dog, it seemed like a coin toss which one would kick the bucket first. The man could barely get down the block and he had to stop and wait for the dog. After about 4 months, I do believe that the dog is now able to keep ahead of the owner (except for that occasional enticing smell along the way)!

Just a few of those everyday things I have to remind myself of when I don't want to drag my body out and walk the half hour around my neighborhood. It should be easy. What interesting things to see. The gift of life from Mother Nature alive and well.

Boobs

Ok, if you're a man, this is not sexy talk, so you can quit reading.

I had my first mammogram today. Pdththth! It's nothin'! Every woman should do it. It doesn't even squish as hard as the blood pressure cuff they put on your arm to see if your heart is still pumping. The woman radiologist is real nice, informative and gentle. They have to lay the boob out flat underneath when they lay it on the plate so they don't take a picture of a fold in the boob. This clear plate comes down on the top part of your boob and holds it firmly in place while it takes the X-ray. You can see the picture on the computer as soon as they take it too. It's cool!

Of course I know some women are more sensitive than others and when it's that time of the month it hurts just to touch them. (By the way, it's best not to go in when they're like that. Schedule the appointment in between cycles.) But from my stand-point, I was freeking over nothing. I'd much rather get a boob picture over a pap-smear anytime!

PS, no that's not me. That is a Super Stock photo. I wanted to show what it's like. Women, it's a no brainer! Sign up for your annual today!

Project: NOW

My latest project of sorting through my 30 year collection of family photos has had me sequestered in my home for three days. Aside from having to get up to use the bathroom and feeding myself, I've sat in the middle of a pile of photos, envelopes and negatives trying to remember why I took some of those pictures, which photos match which negatives and what years they were taken. I was very excited to find ALL of my children's high school Senior pictures AND their negatives and some old photos that I thought I'd lost.

This was all spawned because I MADE myself do SOMETHING constructive this summer before my vacation time was over. I decided to find all the photos for the remaining 3 years in my daughter's scrapbook I had abandoned back in 2001. Having endless days of doing nothing in particular has it's advantages, but it's better to have endless days of doing something in particular. I finally paused today, after my three day stretch of sorting and re-organizing, to take some negatives to Walgreen's to have some prints made for her book.

As I stepped out into the heat and bright sun, it felt like I was coming out of a cell from the Doctor Who series. http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/ I contemplated why I felt time go so slow and marveled that the world of shoppers and people in traffic had gone on with their lives as usual while I was in my little world. I wondered what it would feel like to live like that all the time. Being in this kind of time warp where your world of Now is an eternity, yet it doesn't seem to be very long at all. It occurred to me that there are people that live like that. Some are elderly people with no one to visit with but their memories. Now becomes their life. It is their eternity. Being in nature or meditating can be other such times.

Being absorbed in my life in pictures for the last 30 years has been good to revisit, almost like a trip to see old friends and relatives that are no longer there. I re-evaluated old choices and was glad they were made. I reviewed old relationships and wished changes could have been made. I became proud of my children for how they've grown and changed and the direction they've chosen to take in their lives. In reflecting how acquaintance's lives have not turned out "happily ever after" has made me ponder the oddity of the thought. Things sometimes happen the way we'd like them to and often they don't. But life moves on. One thing is certain, there will always be change. Our job is to make 'now' better than the last 'now' was.

I've come to a place in my life where I would like to finish and put away old projects in my life and enjoy my life as it is Now. Getting rid of fabric was one. I think I'm done sewing for the most part. Going to school was a new one I started recently, after years of trying to get it truly underway. I'm done carrying sentimental things around with me. They are meant to be enjoyed and then to pass them on. One habit I'd like to change is my diet.

Now, whether an eternity or a moment, is a lovely place to be. It's like the movie Insurrection. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNw3BFpOFnI&feature=related There is a scene where Anij tells Picard to shush and just enjoy the moment as it slows and they literally see the pollen blow off a flower and see a hummingbird's wing flap softly and a waterfall look white and streamy.

Anij: Have you ever experienced, a perfect moment in time?
Captain Picard: A perfect moment?
Anij: When time seemed to stop, and you could almost live, in that moment.
Captain Picard: Seeing my home planet from space, for the first time.
Anij: Yes. Exactly. Nothing more complicated than perception.
Anij: ...We've discovered that a single moment in time can be a universe in itself, full of powerful forces. Most people aren't aware enough of the now to even notice.

My moment in time took three days, but I reviewed 30 years. I savored what it was. When tomorrow becomes Now I will try to notice what it offers. It's all in our perception.

Confessions

Housecleaning can be a bag of mixed emotions. You feel good to see it clean again, but tired when it's all over. Sometimes you can't decide where to put stuff and other times whether to even keep it at all. How do you organize it all anyway? They teach small children how to sort in Math class-- by color, size, or how to follow a pattern. Why can't organizing your house be that easy? There are so many "patterns" it gets to be pretty complicated.

I've been house cleaning out of necessity this summer. I share a small apartment with my college age daughter and we are REALLY close on space. Her stuff and mostly my crap. I've pared it down several times in the last 5 years-- mainly because I'm sick of moving it around, but now it's because I've filled every inch of my closets, under my bed, behind the doors and furniture and every inch of my small storage unit to the point that I have to quickly shut the door before it all falls out. I'm good at arranging things to maximize the space. Good in some respects, but come moving day... "there's still MORE in there?!"....

I have a confession to make to the world. Some people have a drug or drinking problem. I have a fabric problem. The day I realized that was when I found an old fabric purchase receipt (one of many) that was 3 feet long and it totaled more than $180. I wrote a note to myself on it "How much fabric DO you REALLY need?" and kept it as a reminder. I have gotten rid of boxes, yes boxes, of fabric 3-4 times in the last 5 years. This week I have gotten rid of some more. If I haven't gotten around to making that outfit with that fabric I bought in 1982 I really don't think I'm going to do it now. I figure I've spent more on the sale stuff for those future projects than if I would have purchased it at full price at the time that I REALLY needed it.

I wish they had an AA of sorts for fabric recoverers. I've had to really talk myself into, first STOP buying new fabric when I have a store full at home. Second, instead of spending time creating in my mind while looking at all the lovely fabrics in the store, spend time actually creating the projects I intended to do sitting at home in tubs. One time I actually sat down and worked pretty steadily on several projects and it didn't hardly put a dent in my SCRAP pile (not the actual fabric boxes).

I realized my issue was that I loved to create. I was loaded with lovely ideas and I loved seeing the cool things that can be produced. It was a venue I was pretty good at, but I just can't keep up with making it all. I never learned how to say ENOUGH to myself. We need to learn to say NO to ourselves, too. Knowing when to stop eating so you don't get fat, when to stop drinking so you don't get drunk, when to stop buying shoes or buying fabric or ______ (fill in the blank) falls under that category. Enjoying life is a must, but accumulating stuff isn't.

Part of my "cleaning house" has been to understand that I can enjoy beautiful houses, clothes, cars,... stuff.. in this world and not have to OWN it. I can go window shopping and enjoy what I see and go home without a single bag in hand and feel fulfilled-- and FREE! It greatly reduces the housecleaning, organizing and moving hassles and gives me more time to see the beautiful world that exists once every day.