not enough

i'm not rich enough.
i'm not smart enough.
i'm not fun enough.
i'm not good-looking enough.
i'm not patient enough.
i'm not nice enough.
i'm not caring enough.
i'm not forgiving enough.

i'm not good enough.

i will never be enough.

i wish i was.

of long mornings, curved wanderings and chocolate cupcakes

1. Today, driving down the highway by myself listening to Taylor Swift's "Crazier", i suddenly realise i've found the perfect "first dance" song for my wedding. =)

2. Browsing through Borders listlessly looking for the perfect gift, i stumble upon two gems.

3. Now he's gone to paris, to meet Mum.

this time it all goes south

i ran out of shotgun pellets exactly three minutes into the fight.

i downed Rochelle trying to kill the zombie in the full bulletproof riot gear.

i was slammed into a wall by the Charger who appeared INSIDE the damned safe room door.

i smacked zombies about with a frying pan.

and then i told myself, "hang the melee weapons," and picked up two handguns.

i defibrillated a dead Coach and stole his first aid kit.

and then i was rushed, and i died in what the Director calls "an onslaught".

oh yeah.

its short round and like the fat little cousin you never play with much till is gone

i'm gonna miss you so, so much.

the good times we had. we've been together almost what, three years now?

you were my ticket to freedom and joy and happy times.

we mamak-ed, cyber-ed, uni-ed, party-ed, berdating and much, much more.

all the chicks i've picked up using you.

[oh they say they hate cars with two doors but you and i know better dont we ;)]

i've been nearly everywhere with you. i explored the fog of war with you.

i drove you in good times and in bad. in sunshine and rain. with a full tank and with the indicator light blinking.

i hope your new owner knows to hit the meters just right so that thermometer needle doesnt get stuck.
and that sometimes your light fuses.
and that you need to turn off the aircond to get some decent pickup.
and that the brake sometimes becomes loose and you need to step harder on it.
and that you have to take an average reading of fuel left, because the needle bounces up and down.
and that the radio screen doesnt actually light up in daytime, but it does at night.

and im sorry i got you hurt just the night before you were to go.

you were, and will always be, my first.

i'm gonna miss you.



*with thanks to terence and jo for the photo and the title of this post.
(sorry terence!)

first off, i know a lot of people can see this.

i hate the fact that i'm opening up here, being so vulnerable in public.

but i've got to. because i have nowhere else to go.

you know,

i look inside me and i see nothing.

i really see nothing.

its supposed to be scary to face yourself knowing that inside, you have nothing?

you ARE nothing?

but i feel nothing.

i dont feel any more.

all eyes on me keep hoping for something more.

and i cant give them anything.

i am sorry. i have failed you all.

some people i failed more than others.

you guys should learn. never, ever, rely on me.

never thought i could feel this way.

waking up, not wanting to get up.

going to bed, not wanting to sleep.

i wake up and i stare at the ceiling and i do absolutely nothing to get myself out of bed.

what is there waiting for me anyway? nothing but troubles and worries and scoldings and angry faces.

is there anything worth waking up for?

is there anything even worth living for?

(well there is soda gembira. and waffles. and fries. so i suppose that's good enough.)

if it wasnt for you, i wouldnt even bother going to uni.

you're saving me, and you dont even know it.

but i dont deserve to be saved.

i dont deserve to be anything. to do anything.

not when ive been nothing but a disappointment.

a waste of breath, some people might say. a waste of time.

give me up.

im a lost cause.

why fight for me when i've given up on myself?

yea, i'll study. i'll pass.

and i'll just deal with the pain, as i learn how to deal with the pain of others.

because that's life.

whether you like it or not, it goes on.

be strong

"u're the person i look up to
and now u're like that
wat makes u think i can stand again?
if u lose faith in urself
then... how am i gonna be strong?"

of renewed focus, car post-its and cousin pick-ups

1. My jacket keeps me warm and fuzzy through a lazy drizzly morning.

2. She takes a leap of faith - for happiness - i admire her courage. I wish i could somehow steal some of that - just a little!The truth is i'm scared and i don't know what to do.
3. wondermilk sells the most amazingly useless little trinklets but the randomness and unpracticality of the place has me falling in love with it.

4. Taylor Swift sings, "I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be; laughing on a park bench thinking to myself - hey isn't this easy?" It really is easy, it's been easy all day long.

of voice recordings, satay smoke and late-night calls

1. I wake up in a panic thinking, "i'm late!" but i am pleasantly surprised to find that everybody else was late too - so i'm early for once!

2. Acting on a whim, i stroll into the local Ramadan bazaar for lunch and pick up sickeningly sweet cendol and some chicken pita. Whilst i munch on the tender chicken bits i observe multi-racial Malaysia in action.

3. Dearest P calls me in my time of need - the sister and i spend almost an hour just hanging out. =)

of atrophied balls, free lychee drinks and bak kut teh dinners

1. Y finally volunteers to take something on for the committee. I take it in my stride, but inside im bursting with pride, hoping that he'll deliver; that my initial belief in him was not in vain.

I don't think i've trained them well; but i hope they've learnt from me because i think i've led well.

2. I approach Dr B to talk and she sets me on the straight track. She then shares with me an Irish saying (or so she says): "If it's meant to be, it'll come to be." She did emergency medicine for three years too!

3. A pork-laden dinner with mum and the friends; a movie set in a beautiful ethereal forest.

of sequestration, house arrest and british kids

1. Alone over at YH's place watering her plants and feeding her feral, unappreciative cats (sigh). As i think about the best way to cover up a feline homicide, i hear her neighbour start off Lenka's "The Show" on the piano. It's a quirky and cheerful little tune that warms the heart:

"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze and love is a riddle"

I LOL-ed. Whoever's up there, nice job on the theme music.

2. Nasi briyani with ayam madu and my wonderful CBP group.

3. My nephew comes over to play; my mum brings out all my old toys. I excitedly join him in playing with my old dinosaur toys; how wonderful it is to be 3 again.

of relunctant mornings, selective afternoons, and basketballs

1. The breeze seems to blow away all my anxieties. "Enough, enough now," i mutter to myself. Peace is hard to find these days but if you look hard enough, it's there.

2. I see a couple holding hands excitedly; she jumps up and down with an expression of pure ecstacy as he brings her close to his chest, hugging her. They laugh together. Love is sweet.

3. Basketball: surgeons vs physicians - and i think i have proven that physicians are the softer, less sports-inclined species. It was fun, nonetheless.

3. I am not the most hardworking student around, but when you diagnose thyrotoxicosis due to Grave's disease - you feel good about yourself.

of budget groceries, cold labs and event planning

1. Little puppies asleep in a pet store, patiently waiting for someone to bring them back to a loving home.

2. Brightening up a friend's day with a "Stargazer" lily.

3. A moment in the LS corridors makes all the helping out worthwhile.

4. I begun the day with him and i ended the day with him. I really appreciate and love him, but i just hate him at this moment for forcing me to face reality.

I've got some growing up to do.

of morning calls, t-shirt designs and l4d lunches

1. Some may see it as running away, but i see it as peace. Which is getting harder and harder to seek of late. The wind ruffles my untidy hair as i breathe, letting go of the weight i'm carrying around. And the thanks i got is held close to me.

2. I don't feel like it but i go to class anyway - i'm glad i did.

3. An excited AS texts me about her success in reaching out.

4. A family dinner with steamed eggs, stir-fried bittergourd and black bean soup. I realise i havent been home for some time.

5. A late night talk with a close friend that leads me to an unpleasant, but much needed, realisation.

of hash browns, naps and translated lyrics

1. Hash browns in the morning, yes please. Crispy and brown and juicy mmmmm
no you were never a jerk towards me
2. Lazy Sundays are spent lounging around in bed and hanging out online.
infact i think youre the most gentlemanly guy ive eveer met can
3. "The Fear of Falling".
seriuosly youre the nicest guy ive met in my 19 years can
Rainbow by Nino:

just as usual,
when you get upset,
you go and hide away my most precious thing,
but since the place is always the same,
this time i will be there waiting for you
the seasons bring along the setting sun, and the shadows find me as they stretch
with a startled expression you fix your eyes on me, sudddenly pouting your lips and looking away
because those are my most precious things
i purse my lips on purpose and without waiting for you to say "sorry" i go ahead and kiss you gently
from now on this sort of selfish things, its okay to say them, but only to me
because its aggravating, because its not honest
i wonder why you cant tell me, just those 3 words that you love me
because right now thats what i want to hear
today is the day our family names becomes one
the day our love sprouts
aint the rainbow beautiful, no its you who is really beautiful, to you who is starting to blush, thank you thank you

of multiple alarms, tournament jitters and primary school memories

1. I take part in a Left 4 Dead tournament hoping for the best, but coming out 4th out of 8 teams. We did our best, and although i was frustrated and disappointed at how i performed - we went home satisfied. And at least i had a chance to live my dreams for a while.

2. Gay dinner in a lala eatery with edible chicken chop and tasteless char koay teow.

3. Mamaking with the Belianers, where i find out that "Westlife" is apparently considered an oldie now. God, i feel old. To rub it in, a gaggle of obviously high school kids storm the mamak in their fancy clothes and fancier phones.

I wouldn't have had it any other way, though - rubber fights, conquer and Pepsi-Cola.

of surprise tutors, cars and soap

1. I saunter in late as usual and find myself sitting next to S and J in the back.

2. We leap with joy upon discovering our PCL tutor was none other than RP! Our PCL is well covered and ends early - for once!

3. Another sleepover at P's: We taboo our way through racism, jockstraps and dollhouses.

of staying in, l4d training and thai dinner

1. Against my better judgement, i stay in and watch House with the sister. It was fun!

2. There's a glimmer of hope for our team as we work together seamlessly, surviving the hordes of zombies thrown at us.

3. "Any donkey could come up with this diagnosis", the bastard CYC tells me. Verbal sparring never gets tiring!

of moon faces, buffalo humps and hyperpigmentations

1. It's always nice to be reminded of love: i spy them walking out of the university, her arms linked with his.

2. I realise, "I will never be included in the ranks of them" as i jog along, being alone with my thoughts. But that doesn't mean i won't damn well try anyway.

Taking a step back - i wonder if i made the right move running. It's defined me for the years to come - i'll never know what it's like. I'll never know what could be.

I run up the final flight of stairs and realise - it's lonely at the top.

3. Late night burgers and smack-talk; a treat from the great (future) surgeon CYC. Thanks!

of stamps, cosy rooms and good food

1. I look out the windows and see, to my surprise, an early morning rain - drenching those out and about with its pitiless torrential wetness. The rain soaks and chills one to the bone. The rain does its best to eliminate and destroy activity; i see people waiting for the rain to stop, i see people running out of the rain.

I sit in my car and let the sound of the rain drown out everything else. Catharsis - i am at peace.

2. A lazy lunch with one of the few people i really love being around - big talks instead of the small.

3. Acting on a hunch, i dismantle my CPU and mess about with the RAM. 5 minutes later, the desktop starts with nary a hitch. I AM A GOD

of confessionals, books and groceries

1. Colorado Bulldog, "I Never", Spicy Chicken McDeluxe, 7-11, mahjong, illuminated ceilings, bucket lists, blankets, dim sum. Sleepovers are fun!
she asks me for an honest answer - i give an edited answer.
2. Comforters for sleepy boys - how sweet of her!
i guess its worth it if you've made someone's heart a little lighter.
3. Despite her busy schedule, she calls me to help me sort myself out of a rough patch.
friends dont lie to friends but sometimes friends deserve more than the truth.
4. "it sounds like you ARE mumeds"
i'm a horrible friend.i'm sorry.

of grumpy mornings, satelite dishes and pretty sushi

1. mee goreng mamak for breakfast is greasy but lovely.

2. The Belianers catch up over oocha: YJ, G, I, CH, GY, LR, S, myself and K (who sat at the back of class, remember?); A drops by later. The dim lights, emo music and colourful (if expensive) food serves as the perfect backdrops for a long-overdue reunion.

3. Ramly burgers by the roadside after an intense CC session where we debate the practicality of going back into the cybercafe at 2 in the morning.

of punctual mornings, Ice Age 3, and crazy coursemates

1. I wake up early for once; I am in Sunway by 715 and I drop PT off at the bus station. I drive to Medan picking up some nasi lemak, contemplate waking up I, before heading back to uni; surprising F and D about my punctuality for once.

Later on in the morning i fall asleep in the chair much to the dismay of CYC.

2. A children's ice skating competition in Sunway Pyramid: the melodies of Grease and Hannah Montana accompany their fluid, smooth motions on the ice.

3. Dinner was Roti Hawaii by the roadside with J; i crack up seeing the dysfunctional yet affectionate relationship between her and CW.

21

YH: happy 21st birthday. I pray hard that this birthday brings u loads of happiness n good health. Good luck in ur exams too.

PH: Happy birthday darling!

PY: Happy 21st birthday u donkey head! Ps your phone sucks

J: 1) Happy birthday ah boy! :)
2) The emphasis is not wat happens on your birthday but the good reflection tat u r now one year older and is a celebration of your life and giving thanks for the good years u hav got and the better things to come. All the best for exams anyway ke ke ke

JC: Happy birthday! Sleeping ke?

SF: Chia han sheng did i tel u b4 tat every1 no matter wat mistake they hav done, they deserve tis one special day in a year an exception to ditch the world n b happy? So yeah dun tink bout anyting n b happy on ur b'day! 2day was the day ur mum ends al her sufferings afta 9 months havin u in her uterus n 2day is also the day tis great fren of mine was born, so celebrate on behalf of her n celebrate 2 urself too.. Happy b'day we wil always love u.. i noe wat u hav been thru n i hav to say tis look up in the sky n ther wil be a star shinin upon u! Always ther to smile n hav ur bk..

ET: Happy happy happy birthday hans! U may particularly feel down this time round, but rmb that life has its many seasons. Soon u'll realise its just near u. Hugs.

HR: Happy birthday! May all de nice things happen 2u this yr n oso thereafter :)

GN: Tai lou, happy 21st birthday! Hope u'll hav an awesome one and see you soon esp after ur exams! :)

JM: Hey. Happy 21st. Hope u have a great day. Don't study so hard today k? Take ur time to reflect man. U're an adult d :) Haha

KT: Happy birthday hashie~ hehe

YC: Happy birthday! May all ur wish come true..

IL: Hey happy birthday!

CY: Happy Birthday!! And wake up from dr lau's lecture!! Hehe

ML: Happy birthday! Sorry I wanted 2 wish u at 6 this morning but i didn't wanna disturb u! Going out l8r?

AS: Happy birthday! I hope im on time. I dint forget!

SD: It's never too late, happy birthday old man :) have an awesome one of what's remaining..rock on! :)

LR: Hey dude.. Happy 21st birthday ;) haha official age eh

JS: yo boyo! happy belated birthday man! wat you doin this saturday? you wanna meet up this saturday? or more convenient after exams? ;)

S: Happy burfday han sheng!sorry, cudnt wait for d celebration after pcl. my dad waited for 40 mins already outside. have a blast kay! take care! :)

YC: Happy birthday hans..may all the good things in life belong to you :) regards

CY: hey hans..^^.. jus wanna wish u - HAPPY BIRTHDAYYY!!!! cos i oni rmbr huggin u..nt sure whether i wished anot le..so better b safe la..lolz..take care!! ^^

GN: happy birthday! just texted you and hope you get it :p anyway see you soon, my dearest :) xx

JW: well, since fb isn't of much help, i'm just gonna thank grace for popping up on my home page! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, babe! we've known each other for years and there were many ups and downs. now we're too far to have these ups and downs :( have a blast all the same! cheers!Ju

AL: happy birthday ^^

MC: Happy Birthday Han Sheng..... Stay happy all the time!!

AS: hashie! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

TH: Happy Bday Hansheng =)) Hope you're well and swell =

HJ: happy birthday! ^^ eh i juz realise.. u know lih en hong?

SM: Happy Birthday hashie. =)

JM:
Have u ever wonder what it is like to have
A
Pie on someone's face.
Please, don't throw it at me", he said.
Yellow creamy pie with some red toppings

Before he can say anything
Isa, the poor boy
Ran to the nearest tree, but then
The rascals followed him, one of them, a big fat ugly dude,
He pulled the poor boy up, with one hand and said
Dan, ur days are over, The poor boy said,
Answer this question before u pound me.
Y should I? The big guy said,

The question is. Read the 1st letter of every line and yes... LOL

Have a nice day. Say hello to Vegas. or Genting :P

CH: happy birthday mate!

SM: happy birthday han sheng!!! have a GGOOODD one!!!!!

VR: wishing you a very happy birthday! may god bless you with a bright year ahead. i hope u enjoy this day although exams are encroaching upon us! let loose :)

EL: heyyyy thanks so much for the wish!! hehe..and now, its my turn to wish u back HAPPY 21ST!!!! =) have a great great great day

JJ: happy birthday!!!

LL: so now you know i rmbered not coz of facebook! haha happy birthdaaaaaaaaay. see ya saturday! even if you have to bring your books along.

SW: Happy Birthday from Australia!!! =D

DF: happy birthday han sheng!:)

JC: 1) Happy birthday!!!!! How's it hanging, couz? Hope your day has been abs fab and that your year would be a blessed one. On an unrelated note, is my Frank Herbert's Dune with u?

2) Wow.. the age 21 feels so momentous. How did you celebrate? And don't worry, you've been doing a good job steering your own life so far; just be true to yourself, your heart, and all the rubbish you learnt in Pendidikan Moral, and you'll be fine :)

JL: Happy Birthday Han Sheng, hope Monash is treating u well :)

WW: happy birthday!

its only noon and im grinning like an idiot

1. ML gives me a blue stress ball with a silly face on it. She tells me to "jia you" for exams and don't so stress. (apparently i'm so stressed out even the year 1s know) Really made my day!

And it is officially named Dewey! Inspired by my one and only hui.

2. A Facebook notification comes out and i stare at it in disbelief until i watch the teaser trailer: LEFT 4 DEAD 2!

"And if you run out of bullets... *chainsaw starts*"

3. A message from a long, long lost friend - "I'm coming back in a week." Not even AH1N1 can stop me from catching up.

perspectives

1. "Some men were born great; others achieve greatness. And some have greatness thrust upon them."

2. "Romeo, save me."

3. "I love you; I forgive you."

my finale 1

Scrubs
Goofy, cartoonish, and the most accurate portrayal of the medical profession on TV.
By Joanna Weiss
Posted Wednesday, May 6, 2009, at 11:08 AM ET

Any fictional television show about a real profession runs the risk of getting things wrong. I work for a newspaper and cringe whenever I see reporters portrayed on TV. (They're always so self-serving and venal. What's up with that?) I once interviewed a criminology professor who complained about the stunningly obvious things CSI characters say at crime scenes. Real forensic investigators, he explained, don't shout, "Look at this! It looks like blood! We'd better send it to the lab!" But if you talk to doctors, they'll often sing the praises of one medical show in particular, which they say captures the training process, the profession, and the dynamics of a hospital with remarkable accuracy. No, it's not House, the tale of a misanthrope who happens to be a doctor. It's not Grey's Anatomy, a torrid romance novel disguised as a medical show. It's not even the recently departed ER, which broke television ground with its realistic gore. It's Scrubs.

After seven seasons on NBC and an eighth on ABC, the series airs tonight what might be its final episode. If it returns next fall—"a coin flip," at this point, creator Bill Lawrence told me—it will feel like a different show, tracking familiar characters but at a different stage in their lives and careers. Scrubs follows the travails of doctors John "J.D." Dorian (Zach Braff), Christopher Turk (Donald Faison), and Elliot Reed (Sarah Chalke), who launched their careers in 2001 as interns at the fictional Sacred Heart Hospital.

To the layman, the half-hour sitcom may hardly seem like a paragon of factual accuracy. Its approach isn't realist or vérité—on the contrary, it's essentially a live-action cartoon, filled with fantasy cut-aways, bathroom humor, sex jokes, and jiggy dances. At any moment, a Sacred Heart physician might imagine sick patients ballroom dancing through the ward or a scowling malpractice lawyer strutting through the waiting room and tossing out business cards like a blackjack dealer. J.D., meanwhile, has been known to contemplate a tough medical decision while stroking Justin, his stuffed "soul-searching unicorn."

This probably doesn't sound like any hospital you've visited. But if you look past the cartoonishness, you find a series that's quite in tune with the real lives of doctors—and unlike your typical medical drama, one that's not required to end each episode with a climactic surgical procedure or whiz-bang diagnosis. ER, for instance, was about the heroic things doctors do to save lives, and every episode was rife with calamity. Scrubs, on the other hand, is mostly about what happens at hospitals between crises—the way doctors and nurses handle ordinary cases. And doctors say that as a depiction of the residency process, the show hits strikingly familiar emotional notes. J.D. narrates nearly every episode in a voice-over, setting up jokes and transitions between bits, but also describing his thoughts and insecurities. Doctors say they recognize in J.D.'s internal monologue the real thought processes of a young doctor at work.

"He says exactly what a resident feels, day in or day out. 'Am I hurting the patient? Am I learning what I should? Am I kissing up too much to the attending?' " says Jonathan Samuels, an attending rheumatologist at the NYU Hospital for Joint Diseases. "I always thought Scrubs was right on."

If the show feels like somebody's real-life experience, that's probably because it is. Creator Bill Lawrence, the man behind Spin City, Clone High, and the upcoming Cougar Town, built Scrubs around stories from his college friend Jonathan Doris, now a cardiologist in Los Angeles and a medical adviser to the show. He found humor in Doris' experiences, he says, and also a truth about human nature that's not often seen in medical shows. "In television, we like our doctors to be very heroic and very dramatic, and they kick doors open, and they say the word stat a lot," Lawrence says. But: "If your buddy was a funny kind of goofball that made jokes out of everything in college, then as a doctor, he's the same guy."

Some moments from Doris' residency found their way directly onto Scrubs, says Dr. Paul Pirraglia, an internist in Providence, R.I., who was part of Doris' Brown University resident class. In the pilot, J.D. performs a procedure called a paracentesis to drain fluid from a patient's distended belly; he turns away for a moment, then looks back to discover a geyser of fluid gushing into the air. It happened—just like that—to a fellow resident at Brown. Lawrence says Doris, like the fictional J.D., also hid in a closet early in his residency to avoid being the first doctor on the scene when a patient was coding.

In fact, Lawrence says, nearly every medical scenario on the show has originated with a real-life situation, tweaked a little bit for drama and the constraints of half-hour comedy. Each year, he assigns his writers to interview five doctors and report back with story ideas. Doctors often volunteer funny stories as well, he says, though many of them involve objects that patients manage to insert in their rear ends—a plotline Lawrence and his crew could use only once. (For Scrubs purposes, it was a light bulb.)

But Pirraglia and other doctors say what makes Scrubs resonate isn't the specific scenarios so much as the broader themes. The show tracks the tensions between surgical and internal medicine residents—the jocks vs. the chess club, as J.D. puts it in the pilot. It captures the allure of private practice—in Season 6, Elliot takes that route and enjoys the fruits of an inflated salary. It explores the risks and rewards of intra-hospital romance, through the on-again, off-again relationship between Elliot and J.D.—which is currently quite on. It dramatizes the ways hospitals struggle to allocate resources—Dr. Kelso, Sacred Heart's chief of medicine, has more than once ordered a patient without insurance to go untreated. And it pokes fun at the way residents jockey to get plum assignments—in one episode, residents race down a hallway like Pamplona bulls for the right to treat a member of the hospital board, trampling one another and several patients in the process.

Even these fantasy sequences can be seen as an element of the show's verisimilitude, suggesting a sort of survival tactic, a way to endure the grueling rhythms of life on 36-hour shifts. Scrubs captures the agony of hunger and fatigue those shifts force doctors to endure, says Dr. Svetlana Krasnokutsky, another attending rheumatologist at NYU and Samuels' fiancee. (Hospital romance does happen in real life; there's hope for J.D. and Elliot yet.) She recalls watching a Scrubs doctor eat food off a comatose patient's tray. Krasnokutsky says she's never gone that far, but she's thought about it.

Krasnokutsky says she, too, identifies with J.D.'s constant self-reflection and self-doubt. In the pilot, J.D. declares, "I don't know jack," and the show in many ways has been an ongoing exposition of that point. Residents often feel like they know nothing, Pirraglia says, yet they're suddenly invested with huge amounts of responsibility, expected to give orders to much-more-experienced nurses, required to make quick decisions with life-or-death consequences.

"Being a resident is a strange place between officially being a doctor, which you are, but also really not knowing it all," he says. "You get this level of authority that you don't think you deserve. All of a sudden you're the doctor and people are going to listen to you."

What helps—and also comes through on Scrubs, he says—is the support of fellow doctors. A seminal moment in his own residency came when he was called to a patient with a serious gastrointestinal bleed. Blood poured over the table. Time was running out. And suddenly, the room was filled with fellow residents, offering unsolicited help. Over and over again, even when they're mired in hospital politics or a relationship squabble, Elliot and J.D. do the same for each other. In the Season 4 episode "My Office," they snipe at each other relentlessly after being named co-chief residents. But when a patient codes, they work together without a second thought. "The best thing about this place," J.D. says in his voice-over, "is that when somebody's really in trouble, all the pettiness melts away."

Despite the dogged efforts of the medical staff, however, the patients on the show sometimes die anyway—sometimes because the Scrubs doctors have made fatal mistakes. Scrubs isn't a procedural built around dramatic recoveries, and many of the episodes, as goofy as they are, end on notes that are wistful or just plain sad. "You never promise a patient they're gonna be fine," the abrasive Dr. Cox growls to J.D. in the Season 4 episode "My Best Moment." "God hates doctors. He truly does. …"

That case had a happy outcome—it was a Christmas episode, after all. Unflinching as it often is, Scrubs also maintains an unabashedly sentimental perspective on medicine. That could well be something else that doctors love about the show and a reason Lawrence is asked to speak at medical school graduations. J.D and his colleagues may be by turns blustery and mired in secret self-doubt, but they're also uniformly human and well-meaning; even the supposedly hard-hearted, penny-pinching Dr. Kelso has turned out to be a softie in the end. God might hate doctors, but Scrubs loves them, and the feeling is mutual.

me(me) and my girl

tell us about the first time you met and your first impression of him/her:
i honestly cant remember the first time we met; it wasnt a love-at-first-sight kind of thing. what i can do is describe the earliest memory i have of her: back in form 2, she was a short, skinny, bespectacled lil' lass (still is - but with a whole lot more sexy) who kept asking me to do my prefect duties - and i kept running away from her cos i don't like doing duty =) i think she had to bribe me with sweets to actually stay at my spot.

what’s a weird habit or quirk that s/he has?:
as displacement activity while chatting she's always preoccupied with performing self grooming tasks such as shaving her legs, clipping her nails, removing underarm hair, etc...

what makes him/her happy?:
achievement. not only in the sense of results and academics, but when something she's fought for comes through: i cite the various events she's helped organised as an example.

what makes him/her sad?:
when her friends misunderstand/misintepret her kindness. rawrrr.

what makes him/her angry?:
backstabbers. on a more personal note, when i wake up late/oversleep and miss a date. =(

what excites him/her?
haha anything the normal human being would find gross or disturbing. "omg dead body SO COOLLLLL"

tell us something funny about him/her:
she loves her cats to the point of ridiculousness; often making baby cooing noises to them while they glare at her wondering why the hell she woke them up from their catnaps. =) yeah, then they'll scratch/bite her and she'll laugh saying the cats are so lovable. =_=

what’s s/he like at home?:
comfortable, relaxed and happy in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. she loves to cuddle up in bed buried under the covers hugging her bolster while her cat sleeps on the foot of the bed.

what’s s/he like at work/school?:
serious, determined, energetic.

describe his/her room:
its neat, spacious with everything in its right place. her bed is soft with a huge comforter and cat fuzz, next to a bedside table that has her glasses and bedtime reading books, often an Asterix comic or two around. her clothes are neatly folded in her cupboards while her desk is cluttered with bits and pieces of stray papers.

what’s his/her best friend like?:
her best friendS more like. they remind me most of the bunch of girls from sex in the city - supportive best friends all watching out for one another in an unfriendly place, complaining about guys all the way.

do you know who s/he hates the most?:
she hates it when people mark her as a rival @ ash and gary from pokemon.

have you met his/her exes?:
ex-crushes yes, they're a fine bunch of people but obviously im the more attractive one =)

do his/her parents like you?:
i hope so!

what’s the first thing s/he would do or say if s/he fell down and scraped their knee:
"SHIT! *furiously blinks back angry tears* why i so malang wan? aaargh pain. sigh."

what would s/he do in an emergency situation with other people involved?:
be the one comforting the others, being generally optimistic while looking for a way out.

which shop would s/he spend the most time at in a shopping mall?:
i dont think there's a particular shop that she'd be interested in. i would say... the bookstore?

what would s/he have for a typical breakfast?:
a mug of milo with oats, some vitamins, some Usana.

where would s/he want to go for dinner?:
anywhere honestly, but ideally chinese food, with italian being a close second.

what kind of movie would s/he choose at the cinema?:
depends on her mood. if she's feeling all deep, an oscar-like movie; if she's feeling stressed, a mindless comedy; but more often than not action movies catch her eye.

describe his/her taste in music:
erm, bits and pieces of what she's heard without any particular favourites. she enjoys instrumentals and movie soundtracks; melodies that provoke emotion.

if s/he wasnt going out with you, who would s/he be going out with?:
NOBODY RAWR. sigh nolar, probably there will be a lot of people interested to take her out for dinner.

what item in his/her wardrobe would you like to burn:
all her short skirts, and that one blue/pink shirt with the battered collar.

what is s/he good at?:
she's an amazing, loyal, caring and loving friend who'd stand by you no matter what happens. her love for her friends and family keeps her strong and keeps her motivated to keep going on. she's great at handling people, dealing with their emotions and concerns. she writes well too and has a good eye for design!

what is s/he totally horrible at?:
singing...

what’s something about him/her that is annoying/infuriating?:
the way she absolutely refuses to have anything to do with onions and garlic. healthy vegetables la dar!

what’s something that you two fundamentally disagree on?:
the heart vs the brain

what’s something that you two agree whole-heartedly on?:
abortion (as in it's bad)

is s/he possessive?:
nope, that's what's so great about her.

why would s/he succeed in life?:
because she will tenaciously fight her way for what she wants without ever backing down.

what is the coolest gift that s/he has ever given you?:
its a tie between the white striped shirt, my favourite bodyglove pencil case, and a copy of Netter's Atlas of Anatomy.

what is s/he obsessed with?:
me?

what does s/he avoid at all costs?:
cigarettes

what does s/he spend the most money on?:
food and clothes and credit to call me!

describe his/her typical sunday:
i'm assuming this is her typical sunday back here: wake up in bed late, stretch lazily, wonder vaguely where cats have gone to, check phone for messages, head to the bathroom to wash up, head downstairs to go out for brunch with family, come back and online the whole afternoon/read a book if she gets bored, go to the pasar malam with me for laksa in the evening, watch a good movie at night, sleep late messaging me.

why would s/he be dangerous?:
she can really hold a grudge against you, plotting vengeance against you if you'd ever do her any wrong.

tell us about a time s/he looked absolutely gorgeous:
there was a time when i looked into her eyes to see sparkles of happiness, mischief and excitement in them. her eyes are just so amazingly beautiful and emotive.

what’s something about him/her that would surprise all of his/her friends?:
lol cannot say

what do you love most about him/her?:
i love the way she makes me feel safe.

the biggest lesson you have learnt from loving your partner:
true love never dies despite everything. true love is always worth fighting for. true love is worth waiting for. true love means nothing of the Hollywood movie stereotypes and everything about self-sacrifice.

of familiar breakfast haunts, stolen fruits and broken bowls

1. E calls me "Da Ge" (大哥) which resonates with me.

2. I end my sales pitch to the pharmacy students with an Obama-inspired "We're going to change the world. Be a part of that change!".

3. An immensely interesting lecture by Dr L keeps me spellbound. This is what medicine is all about! For posterity's sake i shall include a quote given by him during the lecture (although previously i've already heard it from Dr L):

"What the mind does not know, the eye does not see."

4. A video conference call to the clinical school: So close, yet so far.

of early phone calls, shopping trips and missed hotdogs

1. I shave and splash on some scented aftershave that was given to me by P. The girlfriend likes it. =)

2. Grilled eel and butter fried salmon makes me go ^_^

3. My sister tells me about her gold medals for marching and relay running.

of early birds, empty CCs and meetings on adrenaline

1. And so the plan really does work; amidst the many curses of E we pick up a new friend and head for some real, old school, authentic bak kut teh. On another note, roadtrips with a non-roadworthy E is always always fun!

2. Back to Monash; back to work. The realisation of what i am and what i've become hits me hard as we prepare for an upcoming orientation camp.

3. Friendly chats with Dr A and En N before heading home to dinner.

of sleeping in, versus mode and earnest plans

1. The alarm sounds over and over again, desparately trying to rouse me from my spot in bed. I mute it each time, sinking into a pleasant dream that i cannot recall now. It was a happy dream, the kind that makes you glad you're asleep, sunk in amongst the soft pillows and the fuzzy blanket.

2. A beautiful, incapacitating smoker pull in the finale of No Mercy, just like how the YouTube vids taught me. Also, a death-defying leap off the barnroof in Blood Harvest before spewing my guts out at the four terrified survivors.

I love this game, but i love the people who play it with me even more.

3. And E comes up with an earnest and ambitious plan to have bak kut teh at 7am in the morning. Some things really never change.

4. I call S to wish her a belated birthday, and although she's annoyed i think she's secretly pleased i remembered. At least, that's what i think "I don't want to friend you anymore!" means...

In any case i'm sure she had a good birthday, she won 7.5 million from her pals in Monopoly...

of sudden happenings 2

1. Every time i take a look, she looks so peaceful, like she's sleeping. She's at rest now.

2. The family is healing, accepting it.

3. I see a husband helping his wife up as she sinks to the floor in tears.

of sudden happenings 1

1. I drive from Tapah to somewhere after Ipoh; its the calm before the storm.

2. I see true love and devotion; it can be heart-wrenching one moment and heart-warming the next.

3. Relatives from all around drop by to offer their support.

of thai lunches, male shopping and last goodbyes

1. Out of the blue, when one thinks university is rather dull, everyone pops in to say hi!

2. I turn the car back so L can get a crate of soft drinks.

3. We console one another as we receive shocking news.

of happy endings, queer haircuts and comfy buses

1. Double helpings of breakfast: only in Balik Pulau.

2. Telling my grandparents that i'll see them again in two weeks.

3. The three of us take over the lounge and watch Transformers.

of red stuffed dogs, lethargic horses and cooking shows

1. We head out for an early morning childhood breakfast: half boiled eggs, toast and teh cham at the Kedai Kopi Ah Seng. It doesn't get any more old school than this.

2. I climb all the way up to the top of the lighthouse at Fort Cornwallis, battling common sense, acrophobia and trembling legs.

3. The engravings on the pillars at Leong San Tong Khoo Kongsi must have seen some amazing things. It's an incredible feeling of connection, knowing that probably some 100 years ago, a twenty year old boy was here as well, touching these exact same carvings. It makes you aware of the time that's passed by, and of the tenacious spirit of people.

4. I touch base at the Cheah Kongsi, reading the history of my ancestors who were army generals employing tactics like "Grass and Tree Look Like Soldiers" and "The Sound of Wind Like Arrows and The Sound of Cranes Like Soldiers". I feel a sense of belonging and connection to the family tree.

5. We go crazy folding "kim" for ancestor prayers.

of trojans, bananas and shellfish

1. Ice cold Lorong Selamat ais kachang. Delicious.

2. JM and i chat with Ah Guan of Apom Guan fame, his bright eyes twinkling as he makes one joke after another. What a character.

3. SF brings us out to a local restaurant for some late night tomyam.

of medical students and conferences, the day after

1. I have a nice long chat with my mother and sister for the first time in a week.

2. The family gets together for dinner at King Crab; my sister gets conned into eating frogs.

3. DoTA till 3 in the morning with JM. (why does this always happen when he sleeps over?)

of medical students and conferences, day 4

1. Working to the absolute last minute (as usual), i manage to get my group's video to work for the HIV/AIDS media project. My group members come up later to thank me, but in actual fact they were the stars.

2. Waves of shock and respect cascade over me as our guest of honour makes an eloquent and hard-hitting closing speech. Later on i have lunch with him, and i feel his passion on the issues close to his heart.

If ever there was a period in time where HIV/AIDS became real to me, instead of just numbers and facts and pie charts, i think it would be this moment.

3. Suks and I host the public poster competition in Sunway Pyramid. I get a young seventeen year old girl to talk about HIV/AIDS.

On a more personal note, being the public face for the conference and Monash University was a huge honour and privilege. Certainly not something that happens every day.

4. Waiting in the van for "Encik Ron" while we sing along to "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade.

5. A and i have our first serious discussion.

6. The cultural costumes come on as cultural night begins! The Cambodians gave us a traditional dance; the Australians waltzed in with Matilda; the soulful voices of the Indonesians gave us chills; Hong Kong gave us taichi and breakdancing; the Japanese went all kawaii on us; the Jordanians gave us another mad round of dancing; the thunderous roar of the Korean drums had us wishing we had one ourselves; a lone Mongolian folk song; a children's Filipino song; Thai Royal Guards dancing with the lovely ladies; Rasa Sayang from Malaysia; and finally a Taiwanese love duet.

What a night.

7. I lead the Malaysians in several cries of "Malaysia Boleh!" Dream come true.

8. I receive souvenirs from all around the world - from Korean biscuits to wooden Thai frogs to Indonesian mats. I am touched by the sincerity of everyone around me.

I did not expect much from it; but over the course of the last few months - and especially over the last couple of days - i have grown much more than i have in the past few years. I have learnt so much; from my seniors, from my peers, from the delegates - and i have become part of something that is truly bigger than me.

This isn't just rhetoric. This has been an incredible opportunity for self discovery, almost life changing. I will never forget EAMSC 2009.

Thank you for giving me this precious chance.

9. And just like that... it's over. The last picture, the last cake, the last goodbye.

of medical students and conferences, day 3

1. M, R and i go crazy hauling tables and chairs. Loopiness is in the air: M goes on about Korean/Thai girls; R laughs his big, booming laugh; and i ride the trolley with the chairs while the other two push and grumble.

2. Taking time out from the conference, i have a simple conversation with a HK delegate at the HK AMSA booth.

3. Ever the delivery boy, i bring lunch to the registration table, to make sure the three people working there have something to eat. Even as i do that, i hear other committee members checking in on one another, making sure that everybody's had their share of food.

4. Condoms galore! HM gives her box of condoms to CYC, who's going to pass them on to someone who needs them.

5. I leave the crude chocolate commercialism behind and head for the quieter, more soulful Karyaneka souvenir shop, where i catch up with PT. I hear the friendly shop assistant from Melaka singing along to a love ballad playing on the radio. Then i take the time to browse around - the many facets of Malaysia all under one roof.

6. We are ushered into Saloma Bistro by kompang players all gilted up, and jasmine floral wreaths. The sweet scent of the jasmine and the powerful roar of the kompangs accompany me as i waltz in and around the crowd, saying my hellos and snapping photos.

7. The bhangra posse comes onstage and brings down the roof! Lodged in amongst sweaty, swaying bodies i find myself in a perfect moment.

Whoa. What a long day.

of medical students and conferences, day 2

1. I arrive late, but i find nasi lemak waiting for me. Better yet, a little while later, i actually get to be in charge of a walkie talkie!

HELLO HELLO COME IN COME IN OVER ROGER THAT

I've got a walkie talkie slinging from my belt! How awesome is that!
(little things please little minds)

2 The Monash Malaysia bunch plots to steal the kangaroo from the Australian delegation. It doesnt work out, but it was fun to talk about it anyway.

3. The group bonds over the one thing that every country in the world is proud of: its food. It's hilarious having a Korean looking over the Korean stall in the food court, trying to see if the food is authentic or not. I impress him with our roti canai and "oh chien".

4. I take a stroll down the busy streets of Kuala Lumpur by myself; i talk to a taxi driver waiting for his fare, and to a passing Indonesian worker. I take the Monorail and i see the movement, the buzz, the people of the city. I feel like a proper KL city brat, for once.

The city lights are beautiful at night.

HS, how could you ever have thought about not attending this?

of medical students and conferences, day 1

1. I usher the Taiwan and Hong Kong delegates down from the bus to registration, and then to lunch. Later on I help two Japanese delegates and the whole Hong Kong bunch again. It's an amazing feeling to know that you've made someone's day just that little bit better.

2. I bury my nervousness and go all out for my first time as an emcee since 2004. The Head of the School of Medicine congratulates me on a job well done.

3. I hit the buffet table, starting with the ais kacang, and i get a sugar high that propels me just about all over the place. Perhaps its also due to the euphoria of knowing that we had a fantastic first day, with the best still yet to come!

4. I meet J randomly and catch up with her; her father owns the catering company!

5. AS tells me that she felt the enthusiasm and spirit from the opening ceremony. I'm glad i did a good enough job.

of medical students and conferences, the day before

1. We spend the entire day in what HM describes as a tomb, and what i see as a padded cell. We keep each other company, we gossip, we laugh, we share - we had an amazing time together.

Putting the conference ahead of us, we wrap up registration at 1 am. Everyone's doing a fantastic job so far, especially AS.

2. I help the Indonesian delegates arrange for a trip down to the city - complete with handwritten directions on what trains and LRTs to take. They come back later full of smiles.

3. I drive T back to university to meet up with the Cambodian delegates. We chat in the car and i discover that he can speak French!

of office runs, lunch decisions and delayed gaming

1. The university is buzzing with anticipation - the conference is days away and everyone's throwing themselves into it.

2. I take a break from the world, something i don't get to do very often. I have lunch by myself, get ignored by the drinks lady, and basically observe scenes at a local coffeeshop. There's a girl in her school pinafore helping her mum sell mixed rice, i thought that was very devoted of her. The customers chat with the stall owners at the top of their voices; everyone looks contented.

3. After a painful, exhausting two hours and forty minutes, we beat No Mercy. J's first attempt at L4D leaves him wanting for more!

of cousins, sushi and tomyam

1. All of us seated at McDonald's, eating ice cream and fries when C tells me she hasn't had any in a long time. (you're gonna be camping at Mackers when you're down under, believe me!)

2. We snap a beautiful photo of ourselves at Sushi King. That's one for the album!

3. JM challenges me to the traditional "eat-tomyam-and-see-who-can-last-without-water" challenge. I accept.

of sneaking out, road songs and bukit cina signs

1. Road trip! Excitement is in the air as we roll down the highway, accompanied by a selection of songs by the ever Peyton-like L.

2. Cendol in a quaint little store, surrounded by Coca-Cola memorabilia where we sit at a bar and trade jokes.

3. You can get naans at William's, Murni and other local mamaks, ZS wisely tells us.

of meetings with nasi lemak, dogs who love papayas and mandarin oranges in mandarin class

1. It feels good to be relied on by other people. That's something I've not felt in a long time.

2. I fetch my uncle home from his clinic, and then it's fish head curry for lunch! Omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg

3. Dozing off to a foot massage from an OSIM massage chair.

of hot milo, nut frappes and chocolate cake

1. A cheesy love song plays on my car radio - singing along with it makes me feel more alive, more aware of myself, bringing fresh passion to my consciousness. I'm glad that it's a new year!

2. My sister bakes a chocolate cake and i can't get enough of it.

3. An old friend calls out of the blue to remind me of a gathering i had forgotten about.