Im seated at paris baguette, having my salad a la dine. Next to my table are two girls, two ordinary singaporean girls. Im really thinking, Why do girls talk so much? They seem to have endless things to catch up with. Talking bout girls talking, there are so many things in a girls' talk that revolves around men. We discuss about what could be in the man's mind, what he was probably thinking when he made certain moves, respond to the text messages in that certain way. On the other side of the story, are men really so complicated that we have to always try to decipher things like that? Aren't the females thinking too much?


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Really strange.

I was talking to juan bout maybe it's time for me to find a boyfriend and bout how people around me are getting married. Right now, 2 random girls are sitting next to me, talking bout their lives. One of them who is married, met another guy who wishes that she's still single.

Marriage may not be the best solution and seems like even if people are married, problems like these still surface and it becomes even more complicated.
Decisions may be easy to make if she's committed but if she isn't, it's better off staying single.

Sometimes I get so tired of living that I just wanna say fuck it and leave my life and go somewhere else. I feel so inhibited sometimes living in this controlled country where people's perception are so influenced by what should always be our attitude and how things should always be. There's no such thing as should be. It's all human's narrow-mindedness causing this. Fuck it really.


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Have a little faith

I saw something meaningful that was posted by a friend of mine. In short it says that we should not keep looking for answers to our questions and instead we should enjoy those questions and someday unknowingly we may derive at the answers. I have many questions that I am searching answers for and I'm feeling much more calm and chill after reading what he wrote. It's okay to live with ambiguity. Patience is definitely a virtue and even more in times like these.
I meet new people once in a while and I get to know more about these people every now and then. Every time someone asks me certain questions or give me certain advice, I always wonder if they are the 贵人 of my life and if I should heed their advices or are they people who are sent by God to test my faith in the things I do and decisions I made. I can never search for these answers but time will tell.
I just thought about this today. I think that there're two kinds of love relationships that bloom. The first is love at first sight, attraction is key and it just happens so naturally that they get attracted to each other. The second are those we develop feelings for, whom we are able to get along well and we appreciate the partner so much that we decide to be with them. The attractiveness of these people are much lesser than the first. But this relationship would work well if they stay committed and faithful. The first one probably needs more work and faces more challenges as they have to learn to get along well and overcome the obstacles.
Regardless, I'm a little worried that I won't meet the first kind again. And fact is I'm getting older. And this feeling of being left on the shelf is slowly creeping in as more people around me are announcing their marriages..
어똫게.. 정말 시려!

My first day of work.

On my way to my office now.. It feels really strange. Like an adult. Like what I used to picture adult to be when I was a kid. Now i'm like one of them. Getting older. And it feels like i'm going on an excursion. Strange!


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Getting to know a person

Before this trip, p and I were more like 2 person quite attracted to each other but were not real friends. Strangely, during this short visit that I paid him, we were not attracted to each other like before. Instead, we are more like friends this time.

It's really strange for me. Maybe the attraction faded away somehow. Maybe because of this, I felt a little disappointed. That's a good word to describe how I'm feeling now. But I'm also glad to know him much better as a friend. He has always been a person whom I find difficult to understand. So I'm glad that we had deeper conversations this time.

Somehow, it feels like we were at point 100 when we first met and then now it suddenly feels like we are starting from point 0 - slowly getting to know each other on a deeper level, as friends. Maybe I feel a little disappointed but I do feel glad too because I was really hoping to understand this complicated person better. It was pretty interesting and I will pay him a visit again soon. Maybe in two months time or something. It's really quite a challenge to get to know thus new friend. Anyway, friendships form the base of everything. It's really important to get to know him as a friend first. On a side note, I'm not looking for a boyfriend in him. So, I should really not think so complicatedly of this issue.

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the next phase of life

Never have I expected this melancholic feeling when I have just kind of found a job and geting out of school.

I thought that I would be glad and relieved that I am finally completing my 4 years of studies. It was a long journey. I'm proud to have completed it. But, I'm very stressed lately... partially because of school but those kind of stress is manageable. What is not.. is this feeling of uncertainty. It's really tiring to be considering which industry to go into. My mind was in a mess because I was really in a dilemma, choosing one out of two industries. Today, I have finally decided on one, the oil & gas industry. And after speaking to my Strategy Prof, I've a goal to work towards. Meanwhile, I need to get an MBA. I'm really not confident if I will be able to get a good MBA with my poor results :x Next step is to draw out my 5-year plan. so that i can review it each time i lose my way...

Deciding on the first step towards my career is .. intimidating. I'm feeling kind of depressed now. It's a mixed feeling. I feel glad that I don't have to study anymore but I feel depressed too because I will no longer enjoy the luxury of school holidays, and having time to travel around and have fun. I don't want to travel just for 1 week. I want to travel and live with people I make from the other countries and get to know about their culture. That I believe will still be attainable because there will be overseas opportunities but the fun part won't really be the same anymore.

I was watching Ayaka's video of us having fun at Martin's apartment. I was drunk that night and a huge part of it is captured in a video. It is one of those crazy nights that could make student life a history worthy to remember. I want to be enjoying too but I have to think about my career and work towards more which I want to achieve in life... There are just too many considerations and thoughts flowing in my mind these two days that make me feel kind of lost and stressed.

I'm not feeling the joy of graduation. Somehow it feels like.. I'm just going for an internship role or something but it's not. This feeling of surreal always happen. It reminds me of the day I left Korea. I was waiting for the airport bus with most of my friends who were there to send me off. It didn't feel real that I was leaving that place for good. I remember Phillipp asked if I felt sad. I said not yet. And he asked if it was surreal. and yea, it was true. It didn't feel real. After I board the bus, it suddenly came to my realization that I'm alone and I'm leaving the place. Then I was crying on the bus.

It's the same kind of feeling that I'm experiencing now. I don't know how my future would turn out to be. Accepting a job offer is a big decision. Right now, to me it is. Perhaps not for my Profs or those who have been in the working life for a long time. I seem to keep hearing my profs telling me, "yea, just try."

I really need to attend the commencement in June first before I can feel motivated again. It's really important to celebrate milestones in life, isn't it? From the last day of my exams to the first day of work, I have one week. I can spare around 3 or 4 days away from Singapore to seek some peace and time for reflection and to get recharged before the start of my working life. The road ahead seems endless... I really have to set some goals and plan my route in order to guide myself towards my goals.

Time to work

So what now after 4 years of studies?

I can't seem to decide on what I want to do. I just want to travel, and work at the same time or do something challenging which allows me to travel at the same time. I can be a travel blogger but then I have to earn enough to clear my school loans. That's pretty shitty isn't it? I wish I have had scholarship so I don't need to bother about $$ problems now.

Doing sales seems to be the way to go if I want to earn lots of $. But if I pursue passion, then I won't earn that much. Dilemma~



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Humans

I daydream quite a bit and many times, I will have flashbacks of some moments in Korea. Some were insane moments and many are my regrets too. There are things which I could have or have not done and things might end differently. Though it has been more than 6 months since I came back from Korea, I still do feel the same kind of regret or anxiety when I think about them.
There were several moments of my life when I found myself screaming "This is crazy!!" in my head. Those were the times when I behaved differently from my nature and do things that I had never imagined myself to do. Those were also times when I test myself for boundaries, limits and some times, tolerance.
Anyway, I was having a chat with a colleague yesterday. He is definitely one of those ordinary people and soon to be doing extraordinary things. The first time I saw him, he came across to me as a typical 'lao beng' i.e. an ex-gangster, not highly educated and think only about girls, making money and mischievous things. But after I got to know him, I found that he's a faithful husband, someone who possesses such strong values, and has a drive to live each day as simply as possible, waking up in the morning, going to work, and coming home to rest in the evening. He is so contented leading a simple life with his wife and earning a rather stable income from his venture. He's blessed with an opportunity to work with the yellow ribbon project and of course, he appreciates it. He will be able to help the ex-convicts find another chance in life.
We then talked about societal status. He said, "a person's worth is define by his/her personal values and the value which the society grants him/her." Someone could be a doctor, with high societal status, but with little respect for people around him when he bosses around and treats his subordinates as if they were his slaves just because he knows that he is a doctor and therefore feels that he has the right to mistreat others. There are really people like these who exist. There is a flaw, or perhaps a lot of it, in this whole sociology thing but there's little that we can do about it.

relationships.

Gladys was telling me that we put on weight. LOL. and she was kind of shocked to realised it. But well, I realised it as soon as I came back from Korea. I put on so much weight in Korea! Time to lose some...

Anyways. I was reading some of my previous entries before I left Korea and it is amazing to realise that it was true that my plan was to get married by age 29 and how it has changed since Korea. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I miss the feeling of having someone beside me whom I can talk to. The feeling of having someone special next to me is occurring so rarely in my daily life in Singapore. There is a possibility that I am becoming more fond of traveling because it is when I travel that I don't feel lonely. It is possible that because I am single, most of the time, when I'm in my home country, I tend to increasingly love going overseas. Somehow I was more emotionally attached to people when I was abroad. Whereas in Singapore, I am perfectly fine being single and not be emotionally attached to anyone. It's really... strange.

Mindsets changed within such short span of time. I have changed a lot and it is because I have experienced many things for the past one year. During the CNY holidays, I met some of my friends whom I meet just once a year. From the way they behave, I think they haven't changed a wee bit. Experiences are really quite a key determinant then in forming people's perception about things in life and hence affecting behaviour. Bouf. I am on my way to becoming a psychologist now! woohoo bullshit.

My friend was telling me about a friend of ours who regretted the decision he made to give up on a relationship. I guess regrets are necessary so that we learn to cherish what we have now but... still, humans are never contented with what they have. It's such a stupid vicious cycle that we are aware of and yet we fail to outgrow it; maybe until the age of >40 before we finally realise that life's too short to continuing wasting!

A close uni friend of mine is looking for a gf now after being single for the past 4 years. Lol. yea, it's time. perhaps for me too. but the whole process of finding a date or a boyfriend is too much a chore for me. really. well, my friend said that I may be single now but it could be as fast as lightning that I am marrying somebody as soon as I meet the right one. what a funny way to describe it. LOL.

It is kind of upsetting to know that a friend whom I used to go out with is kind of avoiding me because of fear of awkwardness we may feel if we see each other again. Honestly, to me, it is the past and there should not be anything more than friendship between us now. Perhaps, there is nothing to feel awkward about. Perhaps, I am wrong. Or perhaps, it's good that he cares about it. I just wish for no complications.

Oh putain de merde...

What do I want

After my exchange in korea, I have began to look at life in a different angle. I yearn for more than a simple life in singapore. I want to work overseas. I won't be satisfied with just getting married at age of 29 and having two kids and a stable job. I want to move out of this country. I want to pick up french and be fluent in korean and perhaps many other languages. I want to work with people from different countries and getting to know them and experience living in different countries. I demand more than what I had wanted before exchange.

Meeting the europeans

Following korea, my next stop was Europe. Smucc had the opportunity to go to Prague for a competition and of course, I grabbed this opportunity to extend my Europe trip to meet up with my i-house mates.

Prague was beautiful. Every single town was filled with beautiful, history-rich and old gothic buildings. They have so many old cathedrals. Paths were made of stones making it almost impossible to walk on my high-heel boots. The people there were not very friendly. The atmosphere was a little melancholic. Everyone seemed to just care about doing what they need to get past that day.

Following our competition which we achieved Gold for both categories, we left on a bus to C'esky Krumlov. It really looked like a place where the sleeping beauty or snow white lives. There were rows of small and colourful houses along stoned pavements. So pretty! It's a small town filled with colorful houses and a grand


castle just like where one of those fairytale princesses would live. From the top of the castle, we could see a spectacular view of C'esky Krumlov!

After Prague, it was tine to meet Nico at Paris! Kenken and glad went with me :) we took a plane to paris. It was so great and strange at the same time to see nico this time, in France! His country. If there is one word to describe Paris, it's majestic. And one word to describe Parisian, it's weird. As nico drove us to his place, there was just one thing that bothered me and that was the dirtiness of the streets. I recalled each time I see short videos of Paris on screen, it was the eiffel tower and all the nice buildings filmed without the view of the ground. Simply because it's dirty. They were stained with white patches by chewing gums, akiko said. The buildings like Arc de Triomph and statues of famous warriors in the middle of round-a-bouts and alongside bridges were majestic, spelt with a capital M.

We drove past moulin rouge too!!! So excited!



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