My testimony.

I have so many thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart that it is hard to put it into words. I've never been one to talk about my faith by writing about it for others to read. Not because I want to hide it, but because the feeling with which I write with may not be apparent in the way I want it to be. Words can easily be misinterpreted and the tone in which I write can be misconstrued.

Even so, I hope all who read this can feel the genuine emotion with which I write.

I have been suffering from severe postpartum depression since the birth of my son, Anthony, 15 months ago. I'm at a much better place than I was even as little as 2 months ago. In an effort to deal with this depression I have turned to my Lord, and Savior, Jesus Christ, to help rid me of the dark, terrifying, and incessant self-deprecating thoughts that have consumed my soul. I am also taking medication, but what the medication can't do, Jesus Christ can.

I know that the atonement of  Jesus Christ is real. So often when the atonement of Jesus Christ is talked about it is in relation to sin. The atonement is so much more. Christ bled in the garden of Gethsemane not only for our sins, but for every imaginable pain, suffering, and heartache we would feel in this life on earth. This sorrow and depression that has racked my soul and taken me to the point desolation and feeling as though I'm not worth anything, has been lifted and made lighter, something I can bear, because I know I am not alone. My Savior has felt what I am feeling.

There have been days when I felt like I had no light left in me; when I was filled with an unimaginable darkness and the only way I could be let free was to take myself out of this world. In these times I have felt my Savior lift me up and help me find the light that is buried inside of the darkness that consumes me. Amidst the thoughts that I'm not good enough and unworthy of love, I am able to find my worth by remembering who I am and why I am here on this earth.

I am here to teach my children, through my words and actions, the love of the Savior and how to live a life as the Savior lived his. A life of unconditional love, kindness, thoughtfulness, understanding, acceptance, humility, goodness, purity, integrity - In essence, charity, which is the pure love of Christ.

I am here to to show my friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances, the world, what it means to be a Child of God and a disciple of Christ.

I know that every person on this earth is of divine nature and a child of God. As such, we are all brothers and sisters. We are family.

My heart aches as I read about and see the hate, contention, judgments and wars that are occurring all over the world. I truly have a love for all mankind and pray daily to know what I can do to lift the people around me and ease their burdens; to help them feel the love of God and of Jesus Christ.

When I have the days when the darkness is starting to take over the light, I remember that if I am gone, so will the good that I have to offer the world be gone. I believe that even though we mostly hear and read about the bad in the world, there is so much more good in the world. There are amazing, wonderful, Christ-like people in all tenets of faith and religions, as well as those who aren't a part of any sort of faith or religion. I have the privilege of having many of those people in my life.

If all of us were to have charity as the Savior, Jesus Christ, does, I know the world would be a much better place.

I have chosen to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints because it is here that I have found what I need to help me become the human being I want to be.

I don't have a testimony of the church of which I am a member as a church is comprised of the people that attend. I have a testimony of the doctrines and the gospel of Jesus Christ that have been taught to me in this church. I have gained my testimony by living the teachings I have learned and studied since I was a little child. Every day, I am learning and growing in my faith. Every day, I am striving to do better than the day before and improve in those areas in which I am lacking. Every day, I am taking the steps necessary in my life to emulate the Lord, Jesus Christ.

He is my Savior and Redeemer. He is the rock upon which I build my foundation. He is my brother and my friend.

Of this I testify.