Friday, June 29, 2012
Depp leaves Paradise
I hear that Johnny Depp has split up with Vanessa Paradis, his former long-term girlfriend. Am I the only gorilla in the Congo Basin who never knew they were an item?
âYou big hairy ignoramus!â jeered my females. âYou only find out about celebritiesâ private lives when theyâre mentioned on the BBC website. Some of us hear things on the grapevine and read Hello magazine.â
âAn ape with my responsibilities doesnât clutter up his head with trivia,â I replied. âI leave such menial tasks you.â
They responded to my lofty retort by blowing raspberries and wiggling their hips (a gesture of respect).
A sadly predictable feature of this unexceptional story is that Johnny was lured away from his mistress by a younger woman. Miss Amber Heard, who co-starred with Depp in his latest picture, is now playing the part of temptress and Jezebel. She is universally described in the news coverage as a âbisexual actressâ, as if that were a relevant detail. What are they implying? That she won Johnny over by promising to share her girlfriends with him?
Of course, there are other reasons to prefer a bisexual woman. A man whoâs bored of conventional role-play might want to experience things from the female perspective. Todayâs thespians pride themselves on their fluid and flexible approach to gender identity. Iâm sure a seasoned performer like Depp would relish the challenge of throwing himself into a new position and adapting to its demands. All the same, I think he should make a statement so we know what to expect. If Johnny intends to be the future Mrs Heard, his fans deserve to be told.
A interesting feature of their courtship is that Johnny bought Amber a horse. It makes me wonder whether Amber is one of those women who find riding on horseback sexually arousing. I disapprove of humans using other species in this way, but I donât suppose the horse would complain, even if it knew what was going on. Letâs hope she still has energy for Johnny after bouncing up-and-down on her headstrong mount.
The relationship between horses and humans is a strange one for gorillas to fathom. On the face of it humans idolise their steeds, pining for a partnership like the Lone Ranger and Silver. Yet likening a human to a horse, either in mannerisms or appearance, is invariably perceived as a deadly insult. I remember getting hate mail for calling Princess Anne âThe Horseface of the Apocalypseâ, even though I meant it as a compliment.
Thatâs why I felt a pang of sympathy for the English comedian who was cautioned by the police for making a horse joke. All he did was upload a photograph of a female traffic warden on Facebook and encourage his readers to ride her like a horse. Not the most gallant remark to make about a woman, but people who do unpopular jobs should expect a few lampoons. If I ever saw that woman in a car park, I would barrack her with neighing noises.
Labels: bisexual women, horses, Johnny Depp, traffic wardens
Monday, June 25, 2012
Tree surgery
Serbian druids have discovered an infallible cure for a variety of chronic ailments including back pain and nipple rash. The sufferer must squeeze his body between two trees, hugging one trunk while being goosed by the other. Not any old trees, I should hasten to add. The ones with healing powers are located in a sacred grove where magical substances are sucked up through the roots. This creates a mystical energy field which cleanses the body of its maladies and toxins.
A chap called Branko Lazic is one of hundreds of patients who have been cured in this way:
"I've had crippling back pain for years and the doctors couldn't do anything to help me,â he said. âBut all I had to do was pass between these two trees and the pain faded away. It's a miracle."
You donât get endorsements more ringing than that one. Although Iâve never suffered from a bad back, being blessed with the supple spine of a jungle primate, I rejoice in Mr Lazicâs deliverance from this aggravating affliction. It would have been all too easy for a man in his position to hire an oriental maiden to walk on his lumbar region. But such addictive remedies only provide temporary relief. It takes real faith to follow the advice of druids and make yourself the meat in a wood sandwich.
It also gladdens me to hear of a natural cure that doesnât involve drinking a potion containing batsâ urine or some other obnoxious fluid. Iâll be sure to mention this to our local witch doctor the next time he concocts one of his medicinal brews.
If squeezing your body between two trees can heal you, could squeezing your body between a pair of topless women have the same effect? Before you accuse me of asking a fatuous and ignoble question, let me refer you to an incident on a golf course in America, where two 40-something women have been charged with public indecency. It is alleged that they went around hugging golfers with their chests exposed.
âThe officers didnât witness them golfing, they witnessed them pulling their shirts up,â said Mike Dixon, sheriff of Madison County.
Regrettably, few of the golfers appreciated being embraced in this way, perhaps believing it was a sly attempt to put them off their game. These facts notwithstanding, I would like to hear the ladiesâ side of the story before rushing to judgment. Itâs quite possible that theyâd read about the Serbian healing trees and were trying to provide a similar form of therapy. One must be lenient to those who act with philanthropic intentions.
Whether the bosoms of these (or any other) women actually have healing powers is an open question. My suspicion is that even without proven medical benefits, the placebo effect would be very strong. After current legal issues are resolved, I would hope the prodigal pair go on a grand tour of America, offering their unique remedy to the sick and needy. Blessed are they who use their assets in a good cause.
Labels: back pain, bosom-hugging, natural cure, topless women, tree-hugging
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Madonna lets it hang out
Madonna has deliberately displayed her breast at a concert in Istanbul, provoking wild screams of delight from her delirious fans. The antics of a desperate woman. Or do I mean âthe anticâ, given that only one boob was exposed? Singular or plural, Iâm not impressed. Iâve seen baby baboons emit more dignified cries for attention.
The reaction of the audience was entirely predictable. Any diva can drive her fans nuts by exposing her flesh. If Madge really wants to prove something, she should show off her rack at a dairy farmersâ convention. Men who milk cows for a living know a high-class udder when they see one.
A naĂŻve chimpanzee once asked me why Madonna didnât just retire on all her millions and live on an island paradise, gorging on fresh fruit and sitting on her boyfriendâs face.
âWhat a naĂŻve chimpanzee you are!â I exclaimed. âNo amount of money can replace the thrill of live performance in front of adoring fans. Adulation like that makes you higher than a parrot!â
âHow come you know so much about it?â asked the chimp impertinently.
âBecause I used to perform in a circus, you impertinent chimp!â I replied. âI assure you my fans were no less devoted than those of Madonna.â
Dumbfounded by my answer, the chimp fingered his navel and wandered off.
Donât get the wrong idea about my circus act. The hero-worship I got was not achieved by displaying an organ or gland. We gorillas are mellow apes who shun behaviour that might provoke a hysterical reaction.
The manager of the safari camp thinks Madonnaâs eccentric behaviour is a response to her rivalry with Lady Gaga.
âShe looks at Gaga and sees a younger version of herself,â he declared. âPeople her age donât like that. It reminds them of their own mortality.â
âThatâs an unusually perceptive remark from you,â I remarked. âHave you been reading something?â
âYeah, The Complete Idiotsâ Guide to Psychology,â he confirmed.
To my way of thinking, any rivalry that provokes a 53-year-old woman to bare one of her breasts is a destructive one. It canât be helping Gaga either, who is a confused young woman in need of a good role model. The world of popular entertainment doesnât need a tit-flashing competition between two of its leading lights.
If you ask me, Madonna should end this pointless feud with a bold and generous gesture. Let her offer to adopt Miss Gaga as her daughter. Rather than exposing her bosom on stage, make it a comforting resting place for Lady Gâs troubled head.
Becoming family would allow them to perform together, by which I mean singing duets rather than doing anything lewd or incestuous. Would it make them the first mother-daughter band in history? Apparently not. An informed source tells me that a country music duo called âThe Juddsâ has that honour. No matter. They could always break new ground by inviting Bieber to join them in a mother-daughter-puppy combination. The sight of little Justin frolicking with his mistresses would tug the heartstrings of every pet owner.
Labels: Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Madonna, tit-flashing
Friday, June 15, 2012
Brazen blondes
The manageress of a dating site for adulterers is claiming that blond women are the most successful cheats:
âThey know what they want and are seizing life by the horns,â declared Rosie Freeman-Jones of âIntimate Encountersâ.
Does that mean life is a bull or a pair of cocks? The metaphors of a dating-site madam are unfathomable to a simple gorilla like me. In any case, Iâm not convinced by her suggestion that blondes are a breed apart. She seems to have forgotten that women can dye their hair. For all she knows, the biggest trollops on her client list may be bottle blondes.
There is no solid evidence that men on the prowl for floozies prefer natural blondes. Consider the case of La Cicciolina, the Hungarian-Italian porn star, who famously offered her body to Saddam Hussein as a bribe for withdrawing his forces from Kuwait. Although her flowing locks were bleached, she never bothered to dye her dark eyebrows the same colour. Her admirers knew she was a fake blonde but they never gave two hooters about it.
As for the lady garden, my old friend Smacker Ramrod told me that even natural blondes tend to have pubic hair which is several shades darker.
âYellow beavers look unnatural, even when theyâre genuine,â he explained. âThat part of a womanâs body is meant to be dark and mysterious.â
I took his word for it at the time, but now Iâm not so sure. Could differences in lighting and shade account for the apparent mismatch? For many blondes, of course, the modern fashion for the depilating the cha-cha has made this question moot. There is very little mystery left in a womanâs undercarriage these days â it must be one of the most photographed areas of the human body.
It actually surprises me how conventional fornicating women are in their choice of cosmetics and dyes. I would have thought men who wanted to cheat on their wives were bored and looking for something different. Whatever you say about blond hair, it isnât very different.
To my way of thinking, the enterprising hoochie should adopt a new and exciting look to entice men into her web of sin. A good place to look for ideas would be Star Trek (the original series), where Captain Kirk was continually putting his phaser on stun for some weird and wonderful alien chick. Although these damsels in distress were always humanoid, they usually had some exotic feature which made them especially alluring. I recall a particularly raunchy green one, who gave every indication of being a tigress in the sack.
The broader question, of course, is whether a dating site for cheaters is ethical. My own view is that itâs better for adulterers to commit adultery with other adulterers than deceive people genuinely looking for love. Such an arrangement is less likely to result in anguish, turmoil or dire revenge. Sometimes itâs safer to let the guilty wallow in their guilt than endanger the peace of the realm.
Labels: beavers, blondes, bottle blondes, dating-sites, fornication
Monday, June 11, 2012
Police dildo raid
News arrives of another police blunder in England. This one was inspired by a spurious report of a man brandishing a pistol in his living room. A squad of armed heavies was immediately dispatched to the address, where they found a couple playing with a dildo. After confiscating the sex toy at gunpoint, they arrested the man for âpossession of an imitation firearmâ.
âI think this is what you might call a classic cock-up,â said a neighbour, exaggerating for comic effect.
The police should drop this charge before they make complete assess of themselves in court. The dildo would have to be produced as evidence, resulting in their inevitable ridicule. If I were the defence counsel, I would ask the arresting officer to examine it in the witness stand.
âDoes that look like a pistol to you?â I would say, as the judge scratched his wig pensively. âPerhaps you could oblige us by pulling the trigger.â
After sniggering all over their faces, the jury would vote to acquit. Itâs an infallible principle of English law that the barrister who gets the most laughs wins. Thatâs why Rumpole of the Bailey never lost a case.
Another reason to drop the charge is that the arrested man has already been punished enough. The shame of the affair must have nipped him like a ferret in the trousers. There is simply no explanation for possessing a dildo that reflects well on a man. It either means his own equipment isnât functioning properly or he's a fan of the prostate massage.
There is nothing wrong with women owning dildos, of course. If I saw a woman clutching one, I would advise her to keep it well-oiled and bid her a good day. The full potential of the dildo as a sex aid has been demonstrated by Tiana Lynn (the âsquirt queenâ), who is a dab hand with the trusty glass phallus. There are video clips of her practically torturing herself with pleasure, but I donât intend to link them here. Not many women can watch her in action without feeling jealous, and it is not my purpose in life to make women jealous.
Iâve often wondered what happens to ladies who have worked in the adult entertainment industry when their careers come to a natural end. I would hope they use their savings to finance a college education and subsequently apply for jobs at IBM or General Electric. Such giant corporations are full of business school types whoâve had limited exposure to the rich diversity of human experience. Recruiting people with fresh ideas might invigorate their working practices and inspire innovation.
Thereâs also much to be said for retired porn stars joining the police force. Making suspects assume âthe positionâ before frisking and handcuffing them has much in common with their previous line of work. They also have a wealth of knowledge and experience that could be used to good effect. Their ability to distinguish between dildos and deadly weapons would be a particular boon to law enforcement.
Labels: dildos, police raid, porn actresses, Rumpole of the Bailey, Tiana Lynn
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
Scurrilous talk
A Brazilian woman has been fined a hefty sum for ridiculing the sexual performance of her husband. It probably serves her right, although one canât be certain without knowing the sordid details. The ridicule would have been entirely justified if heâd attempted to pleasure her with a cucumber, like that dirty old eunuch in Malaysia. But I doubt that sort of thing goes on in Brazil. Such dastardly deeds tend to happen in countries where wives are too embarrassed to make a fuss about husbands who penetrate them with vegetables.
In all probability, the man just didnât know what she wanted. I have no sympathy for women who complain to third parties about such frustrations. I remember, back in my circus days, hearing words of discontent from a female acrobat about her boyfriendâs erotic endeavours. You might think it was a strange confidence to share with a gorilla, but itâs often easier for humans to discuss such personal matters with someone from a different species. Iâm sure many cats are bored to tears by similar revelations from their mistresses. Anyway, my response to her grievance was devoid of pity:
âThereâs no point complaining to me about it!â I declared tartly. âHave you given him precise instructions? Have you drawn helpful diagrams? Have you shown him articles in Cosmopolitan describing what modern women want in bed? You canât expect a dog to perform tricks without proper training.â
The girl was forced to accept the logic of my argument, and proceeded to give the fellow a crash course in how to satisfy her desires. I was led to believe that he passed with flying colours.
Now, the motives of the Brazilian woman in belittling her husband were clearly much darker. She couldnât have been lashing out in frustration, because the record indicates that she was fornicating with her driving instructor at the same time. A woman who is receiving expert service from a tradesman has no reason to complain about her husbandâs lack of prowess. If youâre getting your oats from Tom, it shouldnât matter that Dick is unable to provide them. I suspect she was using her husbandâs alleged ineptitude as an excuse for her own misdeeds. A cuckold receives no mercy from those who have wronged him.
Itâs an ugly habit of humans to cast aspersions on others to divert attention from their own peccadilloes. It reminds me of J. Edgar Hoover investigating the sex lives of the Kennedy clan when he himself was dressing up like a fairy queen and fluttering his eyelids at any square-jawed special agent in the vicinity. If only heâd had the courage to say:
âYes, I like to wear womenâs clothes and consort with men who treat me like a lady. It is my free choice as an American. In admitting this, I immunize myself against blackmail from villains intent on emasculating my determination to bring them to justice!â
A statement like that, from the director of the FBI, would have made America a safer country for its citizens.
Labels: cross-dressing, gossip, J Edgar Hoover, sexual performance
Friday, June 01, 2012
Lingerie or bust
As a gorilla with a strong sense of fair play, it pains me when my human cousins victimise one of their own for no good reason. My females tell me that I should observe the behaviour of another species with scientific detachment, as if I were Davy Attenborough making a film about baboons. They may have a point, but an ape who has hobnobbed with humans as much as I have becomes emotionally involved in their tragedies and triumphs. I could never be like Davy Attenborough if I tried â he is a phlegmatic, blue-blooded Englishman, whereas I am a soft-hearted gorilla, compassionate to the needy and merciful to the naughty.
The latest example of human iniquity that caused me to tweak my nipples in despair occurred in New York City, where a 29-year-old woman was persecuted because of a physical peculiarity. Miss Lauren Odes was dismissed from her job in a boutique for no better reason that the size of her bosom. Her female supervisor (whom one presumes was a small-titted woman) had instructed Lauren to tape down her breasts or wear a billowy robe to disguise her voluptuous figure. When she declined to follow these demeaning instructions, the blameless girl was sacked.
âIt was very shocking and humiliating,â said Lauren. âA crazy experience unlike anything Iâve been through.â
Letâs hope that Laurenâs self-esteem has not been irreparably damaged by her callous treatment. Perhaps the chivalrous men of New Jersey (where she lives) will assure her that her extravagant bosom is nothing to be ashamed of.
The ironic thing about this deplorable affair is that the shop concerned sells âintimate apparelâ, which is a sanitised term for sexy underwear. Lauren rightly emphasised this point in a press conference she gave, deliberately mentioning the words âbuttocksâ and âgenital areaâ to remind journalists that breasts are not the only distracting things on a womanâs body.
The question that intrigues me is what kind of legal defence the shop will make. Is it possible that Laurenâs big boobs would have dissuaded customers from making a purchase? They might argue, I suppose, that modestly endowed women would have felt disheartened at the sight of her chest, concluding that no amount of erotic lingerie could compensate for their lack of bust. It would sadden me if there were any truth to this claim. Some of the most attractive women in history had small bosoms, including Catherine of Aragon and Jane Birkin. There is no shortage of men, moreover, who prefer a ripe little pair of jahoobies.
It is all very well to sympathise, of course, but what can one do to show solidarity? The manager of the safari camp advised me to wear a pair of fake breasts for a week, but his suggestions are not to be trusted. I think what Iâll do is send Lauren a t-shirt with the slogan âBIG OR SMALL WE LOVE âEM ALLâ printed on it. If she went into court wearing that, the shop owners and their legal cronies would surely die of shame.
Labels: big boobs, jahoobies, lawsuit, lingerie, persecution
