Decisions, Infertility and Life......

I am having one of those days where all of life's big decisions seem to come to rest on my shoulders, or more accurately come and fill up my brain so I can't do anything else.  They are about a lot of different topics but the main one has to do with infertility.  My hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 6 years now.  I use the word trying loosely because while we did do five round of clomid ( only one of which resulted in ovulation), after I got into grad school and the doctor I was working with died we decided to finish school and then try again with the whole fertility drug treatment thing. We have not tried to prevent pregnancy in 6 years.  We we have now been done with grad school for about a year and I turn 33 in about two and a half weeks.  I am starting to get a very it is now or never feeling about the whole thing.  I want children (most of the time see following phrase), but I am scared about the changes it means for my life, my body, my relationships etc... I am also trying to decide to what extent we are willing to go to have biological children.  I am completely open to adoption but Ideally I would like to do both.
 Due to working in the child welfare field I can not do the foster to adopt rout (at least not easily) while I am with the agency I am with, but if I want the benefit of double coverage of insurance to keep the cost of fertility treatments and medications down I have to stay employed. So I have to decide either way do we go the fertility treatment option or after I am finished with my commitment to said agency do I quit and look for work elsewhere to facilitate the the foster to adopt option.   Also I do not feel if we were doing foster to adopt it would be in mine or the foster children's best interest for me to be working full time. The other less expensive option is through the local prominent religion, but because I am not an active member of that religion it is not an option for me and honestly the other avenues of adoption are pretty cost prohibitive at this time. All the while I and my hubby are just getting older.
One of the 'wonderful' things about infertility is that underlying feeling of being broken. Girls have babies and when you can't do that, well ....broken, defective, upgrade to a better model are the things that run through my head.  The knowledge that conceiving children was going to be difficult isn't new information for me. I was fist diagnosed with  Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in 1998 by an ER doctor who I saw when I had a Cyst rupture on the streets of Ephraim after watching 'Ever After' at the local theater. I hadn't had a menstrual cycle for 11 months. I later had a laperoscopy and they were able to really diagnose me for sure.

A friend of mine who has been doing the whole infertility thing for 6 years just had a Dr. explain PCOS to her in this way and I thought it was pretty good and she put it better thatn I could.
 Thanks to Elle's Family blog for the info.
"He drew me a picture of how insulin is supposed to work in a normal person, and how it works in patients with PCOS. Basically I don't use my insulin correctly and it affects my hormones and this in turn affects my eggs by either making them unhealthy or by killing them off before ovulation. If the egg is dead before ovulation, all that is left is a fluid-filled sac, or cyst. Sometimes they don't go away, so they build up and build up, which is how you get polycystic ovarian syndrome."
One of the main things they tell you if you are over weight and have PCOS is to lose weight, then they tell you this will be very hard because of the insulin resistance and the hormone issues which include elevated testosterone and lots of other fun stuff.  This again reinforces the idea that you are broken.  The trick is that even with all these feelings of being broken you can't use it as an excuse, you still have to go for it and take responsibility, but then when you fail, there it is again, that sence of shame that you should be better, do better/ just be some one else who isn't broken,   But then you have to brush it off examine your destructive thought pattern and go for it again.  Today I am tired of going for it again....  more than likely I will be back at it tomorrow, but today I am over whelmed with planning for the future and trying to take on life.

I would love to hear other peoples stories, Are you dealing with infertility, trying to adopt, do foster care or are trying to loose weight.  Do you have a dream you want to go after but it feels like it conflicts with the rest of your life.  How do you deal with it?  What helps? 

I love feedback on my blog it helps me stay motivated and helps me feel understood so please leave a comment if you read this. 

All My Love and Thanks,
Jennette   

Being sick , off track, and Still going

I have been sick for over a week now and it has really thrown me off track. I am feeling better and I plan to get back on track tomorrow with walking in the morning. So my question for you all out in the blog 'o sphere is what do you do when you get off track and need to get back on? I just wanted to do a quick up date Just to let you all know that i haven't given up I just had to take a break to try and get healthy.

Happy Things:

1) A husband that races the dogs up the stairs to get me water
2) Supportive coworkers.
3) My Mommy's Birthday Tomorrow.

All My Love,

Jennette

Beating the anxiety bug and Giving up the word Try: End of Week Three

I am now down 6.6 pounds. Six has always been my lucky number so I hope this is a portent of good things to come. Today I woke up with a great deal of anxiety. You know the type where you are just waiting for the other shoe or house to drop. I called my husband to try and work through it and it may just be that it is Monday and Monday is back to work day. As I talked to Sam he said something so simple that just reminded me of what I am doing. He said doesn't thinking like that Just attract that back to you?(or something very similar) and I thought about it and yes he is right.

I have a history of Anxiety and Panic disorder. While I still struggle with the anxiety, I haven't had a panic attack for over 5 years. My panic attacks were bad they were full of hyperventilating and screaming. Part of what has helped me get to where I am with the panic attacks is realizing that I used them as a way to avoid situations I didn't want to handle, and that I had way more control over them than I thought.

So, What does this have to do with weight loss?....

At one point in my life I was certain that panic attacks would always be a part of my life. Just like I have always on some level believed that being fat was just part of who I am. It doesn't have to be, I have that control and I have that choice. What I put out to the world is what I get back, just like my husband said. With all this in mind I am giving up the word Try and all it's derivatives i.e. trying. I am not 'trying to lose weight', I AM losing weight. I AM getting healthier and I AM able to do this.

So that is it for today, writing it even helped my feeling of anxiety.

Things I am Grateful For,

1- Super smart Husband that is always supportive
2- The ability to make choices and change my life
3- Friends who have Cucumbers as snacks at parties because they know what I am trying to do and want to be supportive
4- Everyone who reads my Blog and Facebook posts and comments or likes things. It helps so so so much

All My Love,

Jennette

I am not Fat - End of Week two

The pictures above are of me at my heaviest weight 240 pounds. Right now I am down almost 10 pounds I weigh in tomorrow. I am sitting here watching DVR of Oprah's life class and thinking about my my beliefs and ego and my journey in general. One of the things that is hardest for me is overcoming my shadow beliefs but that in it's self is a belief that I have control over. For as long as I can remember I have told my self I am fat. so Jennette = Fat. so nothing else I have ever done is part of who I am. So from this day on I am no longer going to say I am fat. I am not Fat, I am Jennette. Jennette does not equal fat. Jennette equals awesome, energetic, brilliant, creative and fabulous. So this is me I am Jennette and I am not Fat.

Day 6: Biggest Loser Last Chance Work out

Biggest Loser Last chance work out just kicked Sam and My butts. We did the full video but it can be broken down. It was a really good work out. Jillian is the leader and it is the season 7 cast. Tara Costa and Sione are the most recognizable.

Today is my eat what I want day but I still work out; tomorrow I am back on the food plan but no work out. Thinking we may go up the canyon and see leaves Sunday or Monday depending on weather. We are thinking mil creak but are open to suggestions.

Yesterday I only got about 45 minuets of work out in due to not feeling well but at least I worked out. Calorie wise I stayed really close but at the end of the day I still went over.

Happy things:

Belly dance show tonight

Brownies

Sweat

All my love,

Jennette

Day 5 : to snack or not to snack

Quick post today, I'm not feeling well.

Day 4 ended with dance class that was good.

Oatmeal with Kiwi not bad a little tart.

Afternoons are killing me my snack is turning into a fourth meal and then I am our of calories for dinner. Ideas any one? I need filling low calorie (less than 150) snack ideas.

Day 5

15 minuet elliptical will work out more later.

happy things

funny puppies

Sleep

getting a DVR next week

All my love,

Jennette

Day four: step and pump

Photo: Me at the Tilamook cheese factory

Day four work out so far consisted of 30 minuet Walk on the treadmill and light strength training. My house is cold today so I got to war my jacket while working out and that made me feel all cozy



Yesterday I participated in my first flash mob ( yes I want to do another) this one was organized by my work and was for a meeting but it was fun to be a part of. I also ended the day ended with a step and pump class. Step and Pump is Step aerobics with intervals of strength training with free weights. I haven't done step for forever so it was a little tricky but I caught on eventually. I was, of course, right behind the girl as big as my wrist who added tons of extra steps to make it more difficult. In the past I would have felt really really bad for not being able to do what she did , but this time I found my self more grateful that I could just do what I was doing and was proud for keeping up as well as I did. I also was able to view her as something to strive towards, it is a switch for me and I kind of surprised my self .



Food is still a struggle but It was good to remember that an egg is only 70 calories and so when I was low on calories for dinner Eggs and toast it was. The other day I did old fashioned oatmeal with nectarines and a little sugar and it was great so today I am thinking doing it with Kiwi. I will let you know how it goes. I also tried the fiber one 90 calorie brownies yesterday. It was pretty good but a little dry it would be good dipped in milk. I think that has been one of the biggest food changes for me has been the cut back on Milk I can drink a half gallon a day, now I am down to two cups it is definitely different. I also tried the tomato basil laughing cow cheese. One wedge is only35 calories. It is perfect if you have a pizza craving, good on crackers not good on apples.



I got a little anxious about if this was working at all or not so I weighed my self early ( I was supposed to wait till Monday) The results were comforting though I am down two pounds since monday. I will keep this up and keep going :)



Happy Things

1) Trying new work outs
2) Sugar(puppy) feeling better
3) having a furnace in my home that doesn't have to be fed with wood or oil and keeps me warm on cold mornings.

All My Love,
Jennette