"I'm Losing My Mind" Kind of Day

The other night I sat upright in Luke's bed.  His three-year-old body had ran, jumped, sprinted, hopped, danced, giggled, wiggled, peed, pooped, ate, drank, sang, three-wheeled, squealed, swung, slid, not napped and disobeyed for nearly thirteen hours.  And he was still going.

I was so tired.  Oh my word.

Brent was working late and it had been an "I'm about to lose my mind" kind of day.

It isn't everyday I feel as if I have "three boys," but this day...I had three boys.

Three busy and boisterous boys.

I lay against Luke's head board, propped up against a patchwork pillow sham, "Are You My Mother" laying against my chest, Luke jumping on the bed, my eyes closed.

"Lord, I just have to confess.  I didn't really like my kids today.  I love them.  I would do anything for them.  But right now, in this moment, I must say didn't like them.  I feel as if I have been beaten up.  Resisted.  Rejected all day long.  I am restless.  I just didn't like being a mommy today."

I hated that prayer.  But if we are to come to the Lord with everything...I can't deny this one.  Overcome with guilt I lay there, head back and eyes still closed,  convincing myself that I am all alone in this honest prayer.

Mommy faces started coming to mind...moms whom I admire.  Mothers to whom I hope my parenting would liken.  "They never feel this way."  I thought.   "Chances are high they are working puzzles and baking cookies right now.  And here I am.  Beating my head against a pillow sham. Sulking in fatigue and frustration."

After two Dr. Seuss books, one I Spy and a Bible story, Luke had given it up.  My baby boy tuckered.  His breathing soft.  I  stared at his face for a long time before turning out the light.

But when [Jesus] saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered.  Matthew 9:36

I can only imagine how Jesus sees me.  His daughter.  Busy and boisterous. Resistant and restless.  But He has yet to throw His baby out with the bath water.  No.  He doesn't toss back His head back in frustration at me.  He never complains.  Instead...He has compassion.

Compassion for the weary.

Compassion for the scattered.

Compassion for the resistant.

Compassion for the restless.

Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us. Ephesians 5:1, 2

Since my honest prayer, I have talked to several moms about this "not liking my kids" moment.  One mother I spoke to was one I pictured baking cookies and working puzzles....and you know what? She sometimes feels this way, too.

Praise the Lord, I'm not alone.  You aren't either.

It is time to stop condemning myself for being the worst mom ever and start remembering the mercy that will be new tomorrow.  I need to start remembering that I am not alone in my "losing my mind"kind of days.  And I most definitely need to remember that my Heavenly Daddy is one of the greatest compassion.

I want my parenting to liken Him.

Lord, let me be an imitator of Your compassion.  Let me parent in Your power and in Your strength today.  Thank You that I can bring my most rawest emotions to You and You aren't scared or offended.  Thank You that you meet me exactly where I am.  And You have COMPASSION on me.  Amazing.  Thank You for being, most literally, the best Daddy in the world.  I am a thankful daughter. Amen.


Thank you Beautifully Rooted for hosting me today!  What an honor!

Aww...You Shouldn't Have

Receive: verb \ri-ˈsēv\ to come into possession of : acquire; to receive a gift; to permit to enter: admit: welcome, greet

Receiving is so difficult, isn't it?

Seriously. Here's a dialogue... I'm person one. You're person two.

Person one: "You did a great job today. I was so impressed! You are so talented!"
Person two: "Aww well. It wasn't much. It was nothing really. I appreciate you saying that, but..."

I'm sure we all have responded in a similar way.

Or how about when we receive an awesome gift. Maybe a surprise. Something kind of big!

Person two: "Oh my goodness! You shouldn't have. You did too much. I don't deserve all of this."
I so often feel the need to do something back. (I noticed this about myself over the Christmas season.) It is hard to receive without having something to give in return. I feel the need to give a gift of "equal" value.

Receiving well can be very difficult.

Maybe it is because we live in a "tit for tat" culture? Maybe it is because I feel undeserving of anything good. Maybe it is because I feel the need to earn approval? I don't know.

When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy. And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshipped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh. Matthew 2:10,11


The Wise Men...

Can you imagine how different the story would be if the Wise Men received this Gift the same way I receive gifts.

"Oh, the Son of God! The Prince of Peace?! For us? Naw. Not us! We don't deserve Him. He is so...so...perfect. And holy. Really, we shouldn't."

Those three, quasi-pagan, religious men were compelled to do the only thing appropriate at the sight of this Gift. They rejoiced. With exceeding joy. Exceeding. Like jumping up and down, happy, happy, exceeding JOY! The clap your hands really fast kind of joy!

And that was just upon seeing the star. Not yet little Jesus!

Can you imagine the display of joy when they laid eyes upon Him. (Oh, Matthew. I wish you had given more details!)

The Wise Men. They are noted for giving the three gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. But this morning as I ponder those wise fellas, I realize that their giving was simply a natural response to what God was giving them. Worship.

What a beautiful picture. They weren't trying to give a gift of "equal" value. They weren't trying to earn higher favor with God by showing off their best offerings.

No. They simply laid all they have before Christ. And worshipped.

I can never do enough. They only thing I can do is receive Him. Like the Wise Men. With exceeding joy. Laying all I have down.

And worship Him.

Do you have a difficult time receiving this life changing gift, too? Do you feel the need to somehow "earn" this Gift of Jesus? Maybe you don't feel deserving? Let's just stop all of that. And receive Him today. Greet the Son of God. Welcome Him. And rejoice.

31 Days of Prayer: Seventeen (Joy!)

Joy

Children
"May my children be filled with the joy given by the Holy Spirit."

You also became imitators of us and of the Lord, having received the word in much tribulation with the joy of the Holy Spirit. Thessalonians 1:6

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Things make me happy. A delicious dinner. Obedient children. Target. A good movie. A date night. Chick-fil-a. A successful run. A long (uninterrupted) talk with a friend.

The Holy Spirit brings me joy. God fill us with joy. Joy is a divine gift. It runs deep. Circumstances can not take it. Man can not create it.

Joy can be present through great affliction. I know this to be true. Through suffering, pain, relational loss, cancer, even death. Joy is possible by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Joy (chara): gladness wrought by the Holy Spirit.

If it is joy we are looking for, we must look to our God. The Giver of every good and perfect gift. Our Provider. Our Healer. Our Protection. Our Strength. Our Joy.

Myself and Others
"Lord, give me deep joy that can only come from You. Let me not search only for happiness, but let me seek You, my Sustainer and Hope. Thank you that joy is possible is the hardest of circumstances. I love you, Jesus."