Cloudy

I haven't posted in months...honestly I haven't had the time, nor anything in particular to write about. And, since not many read my postings here, I haven't felt as though my dribble would be missed.

Life is heavier than I would like it to be. I find myself overwhelmed by the many roles that I must play on a daily basis. Of late, I am walking in a cloud, and yet I have so much to be thankful for. I'm buried...that about sums it up.

Jeff, thanks be to God, is well. He is homesick, but is doing well, nonetheless. He travels from time-to-time to places which I am unaware, to meet with people whom I would rather he not break bread with. It is part of the sacrafice he is making...doing his part to better a place on the other side of the globe. I overflow with pride with regards to my husband and all that he is doing for his country. I feel much the same with regards to our children. They are so resilient and well adjusted....I only wish I were too!

But...I won't look for pity here, amongst many whom have endured far more pain and loss in their lifetime. I am good....life is being lived one day at a time here. I find myself constantly asking God to lift my head from the clouds that I am in. I am faithful that He will. He won't give me more than I can handle, even though it doesn't always feel that way.

Husbands

So, I am taking a cue from another blogger and honoring my husband here for all the world to see. I agree, that we as wives can be guilty of husband bashing--complaining of every little misstep our husbands make, usually to girlfriends who bash much the same way. In the last year I have realized just how critical I can be when it comes to the man in my life. I hate to admit it, but it is true. Not making excuses, but I have a good friend--a friend I love like family,who nonetheless has a knack for (at times, like many) seeing only the disappointments in life and the shortcomings of her husband. When conversations arise on "male-shortcomings", I have found that misery loves company. When someone constantly complains, it is like someone shining a flashlight on the very same issues in your life, illuminating them so that they rear their ugly head. Admittedly, I have fallen into that trap, but at some point I realized how toxic that behavior is. I grew tired of the negativity and I grew weary of the wife I was becoming...I didn't want to complain about the love of my life--after all, I am certainly not perfect by any stretch of the imagination...not even remotely close! Anywho...I don't want to be one of those wives! I don't want to sit on watch waiting to catch my husband being "bad." Honestly, aren't we as mothers told not to sit around, waiting to catch our kids being bad? Aren't we told to catch our children being good? My husband is human, as am I. We will make mistakes...we will disappoint, even if for a brief moment. As a fellow blogger mentioned, would I want someone to trash my son...would I want the "love of his life" to disrespect him in that way? Not a chance...I would be beside myself! Husbands don't deserve to be demeaned...even in the heat-of -the-moment. Husbands need and deserve our respect... Just as women need to be held and cuddled and listened to and APPRECIATED (isn't that a wife's greatest issue)...a husband needs to be respected. He needs to be respected as a man, as a father, as a husband, as a friend, as a supporter, and as protector. All the feelings that women derive from being honored and appreciated are the exact feelings a man derives from respect. We need to remember that! Griping and complaining and bashing gets us no where, except deeper in disappointment. It is not constructive and serves no purpose, but to divide. Do you want to be divided? I don't. Make your words and actions count. Life is too short and is full of surprises...make your words count!

So...I would like to honor my husband! I love him more than words could ever describe; nonetheless, I will do my best to honor him!
1) I love my husband because he loves us with every fiber of his being and has never pretended otherwise.
2) I love my husband because he would rather see me happy, even if it means he is miserable.
3) I love my husband because he still looks at me like he did when we met 20 years ago.
4) I love my husband because he knows how to make me laugh, even when it is the last thing I feel like doing.
5) I love my husband because he would lay down his life to protect his wife and kids--no questions asked.
6) I love my husband because of the way he looks and marvels at our children.
7) I love my husband for the example he sets in his life as a devoted husband, father, son, brother, and friend.
8) I love my husband for his love of country.
9)I love my husband for the selfless way he provides for our family...even when it takes him to the other side of the world.
10) I love my husband for the strength he exudes in unfortunate circumstances.
11) I love my husband for his unique sarcasm and quit wit--I have met my match! :)
12) I love my husband--he would go to the end of the earth and back for the ones he loves.
13) I love my husband for the way he makes me feel--I am still enough for him and he will never let me forget it.
14) I love my husband because he is a shining example of quiet faith and strong constitution.
15) I love my husband because he had enough courage to choose me and all that I bring to the table.

I would never want another! No other could fill the shoes of the man in my life..there is no other. My husband makes me feel safe and protected; loved and respected; honored and adored. He makes me feel beautiful and full of worth. I have seen in the last year that he is my biggest cheerleader here on earth...I owe him much the same. The man that he is does not deserve anything less than my praises. Sure, will we each make mistakes in this life? Will we experience hardship and stress? Will we have moments of wanting to tell the other what we think in the heat of the moment? Will we be capable of disrespect and unbecoming behavior? The answer...if being completely honest, is yes. But, do we have control over our mouths and actions? Yes. Can we take a deep breath and not run to the phone and complain? Can we ask God to be a guard over our mouths? Yes. In a moment of stress, can we remember why we said yes to the man that we love and what it was in that moment that made him stand apart from the rest? Absolutely! After all, he did stand apart from the rest, didn't he? We as women need to learn that our husbands missteps can become ours, if we run off, wagging our tongues, saying things that we later regret. Life is too short to say things that lack substance, hurt others, and cause discontentment. Living an honorable life can partly be defined by how we behave in good times, but more importantly how we behave in times of stress and trouble. Walk with grace... talk with grace. Respect those whom you love and honor the man that chose you! Honor the man that you said yes to! In times of trouble, remember why you said yes! Try to channel the feelings and the emotions when you said yes! He was good enough then...he is good enough now!

Happy Fourth of July

This Fourth of July will have special meaning to us...For the first time since 1997, my husband is off serving our great country. Usually, our family celebrates our great country like many Americans, with barbeque's, family, and friends. Here in California, we have to seek out firework shows, as setting them off yourself is illegal. This year; however, we are one less in our celebration. Jeff is hours away from departing from the "land of the free." He will join thousands of men and women who are making sacrifices for the betterment of our country.

Jeffrey, I am so very proud of you. I am honored to call you my husband and father to our two children. I know how trying this separation is for you...I know you miss us. I also know how much you love your country and how when your country calls, you come running. From the day that you entered the Naval Academy back in the summer of 1989 till now, you beam with pride over being able to serve your country. I remember how hard it was for you to leave the Navy after the birth of Lauren...I know that your hopes were to find a career that would allow you more freedom, time with your family,and a change of scenery. I remember after 9/11 how I had to beg you not to recall yourself...you felt the call then, but I selfishly kept you with us. I know being in the Reserves has meant the world to you...even though you would like to play off that it hasn't. You bleed red, white, and blue. You are a true patriot and I was foolish to think that you would never be called up. But now that you have, I have once again realized just how important the military life is to you....As hard as it was for you to leave...despite the tears...the pride was there. All of it...the uniform, the discipline, the respect, the selflessness, the love of country...it becomes you. I honor you and I love you. I am so proud of you. You are carrying yourself through this chapter with such grace and confidence. I am sitting back here at home in awe of you and all that you are risking for the very freedoms I live with everyday. I love you, honey...Godspeed.

To the thousands of men and women serving in our armed forces, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your sacrifices are great and many. Thank you for the freedom that you protect on a daily basis...thank you for laying down your life for your fellow man...thank you for selflessly serving your country, when so many don't heed the call. All of you are a unique breed, embodying what it means to be a true patriot. May God continue watch over you all and bring you all home safely to your families. We miss you and we thank you.

I hope you all have a wonderful Fourth of July. Please take a moment to say a prayer for the thousands of men and women serving our country. The sacrifices they continue to make protect us daily and allow us to maintain the freedoms that so many will never experience.

Oh, and my dear husband...congratulations on making O5...Mr. Commander, sir! :)

Well, we are one week into our 52+ week adventure. I must say that last Saturday was terribly difficult. We found out Friday evening that Jeff was to deploy at 6:30am, Saturday. Of course, Jeff called me while I was at the hospital and I was unable to rush home. I held it together, being horribly frustrated that the hours leading up to my husband's departure was being spent away from him...by the time I got in my car to head home, I had been reduced to tears...lots of them. We spent the remaining hours getting his stuff ready and shopping for a new refrigerator (thank God ours decided to kaput while Jeff was still in town). Anywho, Saturday came upon us too quickly. Me and the kids, as well as Jeff's mom and dad, took Jeff to the base where we said our goodbyes. Originally, we thought that we would be seeing him off at the airport, but the Navy had other plans. We were able to say our goodbyes as he boarded a bus that would take him to the airstrip on North Island (Coronado Naval Air Station). It was hard. The kids were troopers. Lauren was stoic, just like her daddy, and Jack, a little more emotional, just like his mommy. Before we knew it, the dreaded event was over. I spent most of the day puttering around home, breaking into quiet tears here-and-there. All I kept telling myself is that I needed one day behind us. Now here we are with 8 days! The kids and I are adjusting well. We talk to Jeff everyday, multiple times, as he is still in the states. He will not depart to Iraq for a little while longer...I am sure the emotional roller coaster will begin again when that day comes. In the meantime, I am thankful that God continues to watch over us, guiding our each step. I think my entire little clan, hubby included, is putting our best foot forward...Stress has not come to us...yet. I feel as though our Father is sheltering me from undo stress and chaos. I give him credit for my calm and peace. I know I am getting it from no other. For that, I thank Him. I am taking my new responsibilities in stride and managing well. The kids are stepping up and behaving wonderfully...I hope that doesn't change.

Today I continue to give thanks to the man upstairs...he is protecting this very family!

He's Got My Back

As I mentioned yesterday, I am feeling incredibly thankful for how God is watching over me. I feel as if He is trying to ease some burdens for me at this stressful time. A couple of days ago, I received an email from my clinical rotation's instructor stating that our first clinical assignment would have to be postponed until next week. Today...Friday...I was meant to be gone from 7am till 3:30 pm....Well, here I am, able to have the day off! At first I was thrilled because it is my 35th birthday. I thought, "What a great gift!" Well, this day off keeps giving....Jeff has to be gone all day to detach from his reserve group about 2 hours away. Jack has no school on Fridays..so Jeff was going to have to take Jack with him. Yesterday...okay I am rambling...Lauren (out-of-the-blue) began feeling under the weather. Long story short...I think she has Strep. I am waiting to get an appt. with our doctor, but I am almost convinced she has it. So, what I am getting at...Thanks be to God that I am home. I can't imagine the stress Jeff and I would have felt if Lauren had to be home, unable to travel to his reserves unit (after all, I wouldn't want anyone else to get sick). I must say that this is one of my biggest fears with Jeff being away and me being in nursing school....they are not very forgiving about missing classes or clinicals...so if the kids get sick, I am in a pickle...and they will...their kids! So, today I am thankful that my Father is watching out for me. He's got my back! I'm home, able to bring Lauren to the doctors...and later today, spend more time with my amazing husband. Again...nothing happens coincidentally!

No Coincidence

I continue to marvel at how good our God is. Anyone that feels that they have been abandoned by God has, perhaps, turned their eyes from Him, making it difficult to see that He is indeed there...protecting, watching, guiding. In the last week, God has shown me that He is here. He is in my life protecting me, watching over me, and guiding my each step. He continues to bring people into my life that help me to adjust my focus and guide my path. It is no coincidence. It is no coincidence that in the midst of nursing school that I have been paired up with a military wife, who lives one mile from me, whose husband will too deploy during our program. It is no coincidence that I have been called to friends who's physical presence my not be, but who's spiritual presence is so pronounced. All I can say, is that this morning I am thanking my Lord for putting me in the right place at the right time. I am thanking Him for revealing his loving protection over me and I am thanking Him for the gift of friendship---with Him and with others far and near. Glory be to God...He is my Savior and my comfort. I know that He will carry me through life's obstacles...I know that in Him, I can be courageous and brave. You all...and you know who you are....have shown me just how possible this is. Thank you!

Reality

This morning I did something that I haven't done since childhood...I woke up crying; I mean really crying. I was in the midst of a dream--one which in two short weeks will be reality--I was seeing Jeff off at the airport as he headed off to Iraq. In the dream, he would not speak to me...he would just look through me. We made our way through crowds of other military families, but they all appeared unphased by sending off thier fathers , sons, and husbands to war. I was the only one who lacked strength and fortitude. As Jeff made his way up the steps to the plane (he was boarding from the tarmack) I just kept saying to myself, "Please turn around and look at me." When he reached the top of the stairs he turned around, looked at me with an arm outreached and disappeared. I continued on crying, even more so, with both my arms outreached towards him. It was painful...my children weren't there...his parents weren't there...just me and a ton of other brave wives, mothers, and sisters. At that point I woke up...crying...unable to stop even with the knowledge that this reality is still two weeks away. I couldn't get back to sleep...my nose wouldn't stop running and the tears wouldn't stop. Silly, huh? Finally after ten minutes I decided to get up and distract myself with school. Nursing school starts in a mere 48 hours and already the homework has begun....A TON OF IT. I guess it will be a good distraction for now...I hope it will be. I question how I will get through the first two weeks of school when my head and heart aren't in it yet. Not to mention, I am bitter that time is being taken from Jeff and I. So, needless-to-say, my day hasn't started out as I had hoped it would. I randomly opened my Bible...pointed with my eyes closed to a page and read, hoping that our Lord would speak to my heart.....and He did.

Psalms 91:1-16

If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands
so you won't even hurt your foot on stone.
You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under
your feet!

The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation."

Just the words I needed....