And Men Are...

"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy"-- 2 Nephi 2:25

This has got to be my least favorite scripture ever! 

The word might has many definitions. It can express permission, liberty, probability and possibility. It also means ought, should and denotes a power to do something; a force. Frequently, the word "might" in this scriptures is used to express that God has given man permission to be happy. That we have the possibility to be joyful. Furthermore, that those with a testimony of the Savior have a high probability to find joy and that they should. They should, they ought to and they have all the power to. 

So what happens when you don't? What happens when a combination of genetic, biological, environmental and psychological factors cause a disorder or an illness in your brain? What happens when you literally do not have the force needed to find joy? What happens when you have fallen on your knees so many times they bleed? When you have read every page of scripture. When you have studied all the words of modern prophets and shed far too many tears in the temple. What happens when you have put on your running shoes and run for miles and still find that you do not have the power to overcome this?

The simplest answer for a follower of Christ is that you rely on your Savior. Just choose to be happy and make the best of things. And why this is true and sound advice, it mostly just makes this situation worse. This answer, to someone suffering from depression, implies that they are not a true member of the fold of Christ. It suggests that they are blemished, flawed and rejected. That who they are is not good enough. And that if they were a better person they too would be granted permission, liberty, possibility and probability to be be joyful. 

For me, with my depression, this scripture becomes the test of my worthiness. This isolated scripture makes me feel like I am failing the entire measure of my creation. If Adam fell so I could be here and I am here that I might have joy, yet I suffer from depression how can I possibly fulfill this requirement. How can I, when I physically do not have the option to choose to be happy possibly have joy.

Herein lies the problem with isolation. The isolation of this scripture allows Satan to use the truth... not the whole truth and not nothing but the truth... but a portion of truth to lead us astray. It allows Satan to destroy the very support system God has provided mankind with. Especially for women. When used as a test of worthiness this isolated scripture creates isolation. Out of discomfort, fear, shame or anguish women do not ask those in the very society created for relief to provide them relief. In order to avoid the perceived judgement that they are unworthy because they are unhappy, women are fine. Everything is going well. They don't need help, They can do it themselves. Thank you for the offer, but they got this! As women we often equate the need for relief with a lack of faith or a weak testimony. But when we can step back and look at the bigger picture we can see how untrue this is.

Put this scripture back in context. 2 Nephi, chapter 2 is an account of the words of a loving father to his son. Lehi to Jacob. Jacob who is the firstborn son during a time that Lehi refers to as "the days of my tribulation" (v.1). From the beginning, Lehi acknowledges that his son has suffered afflictions, sorrows and rudeness. But that in all of this or perhaps because of all of this, Jacob has "beheld in thy youth (God's) glory." (v.4) Lehi continues to tell his son a the beautiful story of why. Why he suffered. Why all mankind sometimes suffers. He explains to his son that not only is there a God (v.13), but that He knows what He's doing (v.24). He explains the plan by which we may grow and not remain "in the same state" (v.22). That all of our afflictions are for our profit, our learning and our gain. But most importantly, for me, he tells Jacob how we will be judged. And guess what? The standard by which we are judged is not based on whether or not we are happy. We cannot test our worthiness on our happiness. And while wickedness never was happiness, the scriptures never say that depression is wickedness. The standard by which we are judged is truth and the holiness that is God (v.10) While I may fear that others will see wickedness in unhappiness I know that God only sees truth.

Time After Time

"After my picture fades and darkness has turned to grey..."

Sometimes there is a song that resonates through out your life. "Time After Time" is that song for me. At first, it was just a catchy song by weird lady who never seemed able to open her eyes completely. I liked it. I sang along to it in my youth. It was good.

Then I went away to college. As the oldest, my mom missed me. A lot. She sent me so many little cards just to say she was thinking of me. And this song was resurrected in my playlist. This time it wasn't just a good song. Now it was about me and my mom. Because I was "walking too far ahead". And as much as my mom may have wanted the "second hand" to unwind, it never could.

Then I got married. And there was now a new person who would be there to catch me if I were to fall. Around this time I began to understand what it meant to suffer from depression. Living hours away from family, in a cinderblock apartment in a strange town with no friends and moving from "Kelli" to "Steve's wife". Luckily, even though I now felt like to one who was falling behind I had someone who loved me enough. Enough to see through the ups and downs. Enough to watch through the window and wonder if I'm okay. Enough to make "suitcases of memories". Enough to keep every unwindable second worth the effort. Over the past 17 years he has been there "time after time". Good time after bad time after worse time after best time. Every time.

Then, after three beautiful daughters, I lost a baby. And every single second of those horrible weeks seemed to unwind; unravel. As I would lie in bed at night, all I could do was think of what could have been. Think of my little baby that wasn't. "Caught up in circles" and confusion. But when this awful, heart wrenching experience was repeated a few months later I really understood what it meant to hit the bottom. This song reappeared on my playlist.

It was here during the darkest part of my life that I really came to understand the lyrics. To see that when I am lost, I can look and I will find Him. I have a Savior. He is there. He will catch me. He will slow down when I fall behind. As my darkness began to turn to gray, I realized that it is truly my Savior who is with me time after time. I have realized that there is a plan for me and God knows it. Sometimes I get so excited about something that I find myself rushing ahead to greet the next phase only to find that I missed the turn. Luckily, Heavenly Father know how to get me to turn around. It is not always pleasant, but it is effective.

So, what makes me think of this today? Well, a little over a year ago I spent a lot of time here trying to figure out what direction I was suppose to go. I was definitely lost. Two months ago during Fast and Testimony meeting I was thinking about how far I've come from that place. Now in a better place, God was able to show me part of His plan (or maybe I was finally able to see it). I struggled with being released when I was. I couldn't understand why I had felt numerous promptings about how long I would serve and suddenly I lost 5 months of the time I thought I had. Why? Why would I be prompted about how long I would be the president just to have it taken? Who messed up? Surely, this was a result of some human error and not the plan for me. But it was the plan.

Because I was released I responded to a random email for a job. Because I desperately wanted to fill up my summer, I accepted the job. Because I accepted the job, I  found a place that is a joy to work at. I have met new friends. I have received great blessings and super discounts. And because I was released when I was I was in the right place to blessed. My wonderful bosses asked me to become the manager of the store and this became the answer to many prayers that have been sent up over the past few years.

All of this serves as a reminder that God knows what He is doing. Time after time. But sometimes we can only see the plan when our own pictures fades and we let darkness slowly lighten to grey.

DD Day 17

Today's Scripture: Matthew 6:22

"The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light."

Today's Talk: "Come What May, and Love It" by Joseph B. Wirthlin

I have been very intrigued by the idea Russel M. Nelson put in my head about spiritual binoculars. When looking for the technical term for the gear he refers to (it's called the focus nob) I found out a few more interesting things pertaining to this analogy. I have wanted to explore this more, but I needed to have some time to do it. Well, I am not working today! So, prepare to be amazed about what I have learned about binoculars ;)

DD Day 16 Review

Sometimes when I read the scriptures there are phrases that just resonate in my soul. They jump off the page and connect to me. When I was reading the 31st Psalm today, there were quite a few of these. With a bit of rearrangement, this could be from me:

"I am in trouble... mine eye is consumed with grief" (v.9) So please, Heavenly Father, "Bow down thy ear to me" (v. 2). Please, don't just hear me. Come closer because what I have to say I may only be able to whisper and I need you close to hear. To comfort me while I share. I need to know, that "thou has considered my trouble" (v. 7).  Not just heard me,  but you have thought carefully, taken into account and looked thoughtfully at what troubles my heart. Because right now, "I am forgotten... I am like a broken vessel" (v. 12). A vessel, meant to carry your love and mercy. But it feels broken and I feel forgotten. Heavenly Father, I need you to remind me to "be of good courage" (v. 24) because you will "Let the lying lips be put to silence" (v.18). Especially when those lying lips are found only in my head. For there is "hope in the Lord" (v. 24) and "Into thine hand I commit my spirit" (v. 5).

Anyone who knows me really well, knows that Jeffery R. Holland has often served as a beacon of hope in the sea of my lose. What I am feeling now is lose. His words have brought me nearer to God and have pulled me through some of the darkest shadows. So, knowing I would surely feel more broken today, I felt it was timely to hear him remind me that God can and does mend broken things. I need to hear an apostle of God remind me of this great promise: "I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, 'Come unto me,' He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way."

I am trying "to reach out, however feebly, for Him". Because God is for me. He is never against me.

A Larger Look at a Secret Pain

I'm not really sure why it still hurts so much. It isn't like I have never been released from a calling before. Really, there was only one other calling that hurt to be released from and the was the Relief Society Presidency. Presidency callings are the only callings that I've felt like I haven't finished. I thought I had through camp this year. I had very specific confirmation about that. Which, of course, leaves me to wonder what I did wrong. Camp Kick-Off was last night. It was the trigger I knew would be pulled yesterday. It was the reason I finished my report for the day by 6:30. Because I knew that I would not see things in the same light later.

A little part of me keeps say, "Grow-up, Kelli". Another little part points out how much of my time was spent in meetings and I should be grateful that I don't have to do that anymore. I should be grateful to have my time back. And yet, I miss them so much. I miss the feeling of being needed by them. I miss the inspiration. I miss their testimonies. I miss the curriculum that I had so little time to work with. I miss feeling helpful. I miss talking to them. And though it is stupid... I feel exiled. Like I am no longer allowed. And I don't want to be that person that can't move on, but when you have that kind of experience. When God clarifies everything so that He can work through you. So that He can touch the lives of His precious daughters. That is a hard thing to move away from. It is hard to be released from His service because He just doesn't need you there anymore.

I try to keep trying to rely on the scriptures that Heavenly Father sent my way when I was released. It started with Jeremiah 29: 11-14 which has been my go-to scripture for the past 6 years. The scripture I always read when things get tough because God promises: "I will be found of you" (v. 14). When I got released, I read this and felt compelled to follow the footnotes. The scripture connected to "expected end" (v. 11) is Jeremiah 31:17 but I actually start at verse 13: "...for I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them, and make them rejoice from their sorrow...Thus saith the Lord; Refrain thy voice from weeping and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded saith the Lord...And there is hope in thine end..." (Jeremiah 31: 13, 16-17).

Honestly, though, the only way I could have prevented this pain was to never have been YW president. Or to have held back. To have given less of myself. And that would have been the greater loss. Because these girls are worth everything and deserved no less from me.