so much

so much hidden. 

so many desires. 

so much change. 

so many long days. 

a question of attributes

i am practically new at everything i do. 

but i have once heard that if we let what we don't know, stop us..

nothing will ever be done. 

& i've got plenty to do. 

Currently I am in the market to search out the most important attributes i think all human beings should have. 

1st world.

2nd world.

3rd world. 

the whole world. 

look in the dictionary, ask your bishop, priest, councilor, your mama, & yourself. There seem to be a thousand plus one attributes to become, or to stay away from. 

Which ones are the important ones? & why are they important? 

which ones will carry us to a new world? 

inspire our hearts?

commit to love? 

What attributes should we see more of in order to be the change? 

I'm making my list. What's yours?

& why? 

real life update.

I'm sure most of you wouldn't believe what my life has consisted of this past week..

& I am sure that those of you who do know what it's consisted of have very real, and honest opinions. 

but with out dropping the deets, and without going over board, let me share with you a few things I have learned. And a few things I hope I can stay true to. 

1. Perhaps it is best to keep your goals, dreams, and ideas to yourself. It's not that other people are out to get you.. it's just that sometimes it's hard to believe in the extraordinary. It's hard to see that something besides the every day could still be possible. It's not a fault, it's just a forgotten truth. Instead, I hope I can keep my ambitions on the DL, thus when they do become reality.. everyone will benefit. :) And believe me, they WILL become a reality. 

2. God is good. And I think we, or at least I, under estimate his trust in us, me. I have been so overwhelmed with the opportunities that have been presented to me, and I owe it all to the plan of our Saviour. I am so humbled to know that he believes in me enough to pursue the task at hand. 

3. Often times when I kneel to pray I feel a begrudging feeling. How could I kneel to pray and ask for guidance and help, when I never listen to the offers already given to me? How could I kneel and think God will listen to me, when I don't listen to Him? How can I ask for His spirit to be with me, if I don't create a safe house for it to be carried? I don't know how.. but I do know that I still can. & that no matter what mistakes I made that day, or week, or that moment ago.. He'll still listen, and He'll still answer, and He'll still believe. Often times now I pray to have the negativity in my heart and mind to be released. This makes completing a prayer easier because I let myself loose of Satan's bands. I push through the grudges, and find the peace. 

4. A positive word goes a long way. And visa versa. Often times after I hear a negative opinion about something, I feel myself begin to carry that same feeling. I house it as if it was my own. Then when a topic arises in which a negative memory is triggered.. that memory is released. I have made myself a passer of the unhealthy & unattractive thoughts. I don't like that. I want to be a person who, despite everything, still has a positive thing to say about everyone, and everything. At the end of each day, I want to feel myself grow a little closer to the example of Jesus Christ. There in lies happiness. 

5. Sometimes a stake out with your best friend and a bean and cheese burrito is exactly what we need. 

6. It bothers me that answers to some of life's offerings... are pre-created. I think it is so important for each of us to push past our first initial thoughts, the thoughts that have some how embedded themselves within us, & search for what we truly think is right. I think it would surprise many people that what they truly think, is opposite of their already given opinion. We can't be afraid to be different. We can't be afraid to truly live on the bright side. We can't be afraid to answer life's questions with a thumbs up. 

This past week should have been challenging. It should have shaken me from the core, and rocked my whole world. I should feel overwhelmed, mis-guided, and scared. But you know what I feel instead? For the first time in quite awhile.. I feel inspired. I feel loved. I feel peace and contentment. I feel the drive and the passion to continue my life in such a way that others will truly be inspired by the way I have answered life's questions. 

I feel like I fell in love with an incredible man. I know that every day he offers me another reason to love him more. 

I feel like God believes in me, that He loves me. 

I feel driven to succeed. 

& perhaps the first time in forever.. I truly believe in myself. I know I can conquer the task at hand. 

Through humility, guidance, & love... we can do anything. :)

challenge everything.

Against everyone and their dogs will, I'm still jobless. 

I still haven't decided upon school. 

& I still am not ready to take any life altering steps. 

Sorry, but not sorry. 

I realized last night, through all the stress and worry, that I am okay with waiting for that "pull." That I can appreciate the time it takes to make a good decision. & I am grateful I have the ability to do so. Even though that "ability" is questioned by a few, or a lot. 

I am not a fraud, I do not wish to be waited upon, I am independent, I do not scoundrel, I am not sad, I do not use or abuse, I am grateful.

I'm in love with a great man. He is honest, hard working, kind hearted, fearless, & passionate about what he wants in his life. I appreciate and love all of these qualities about him. Perhaps more right now in this very moment, then ever before. 

why?

Because him and i are completely opposite and so much the same. His way of life is a beautiful one, and I can rest assured knowing he will get where he wants/needs to be, when he wants/needs to be there. And by accepting, and believing this, I have come to the knowledge that just as his way of life is spectacular, as is mine. 

It's different then his, but I have the same amount of passion and belief in my ideas as he has in his. so, they are the same. 

i believe that dreams and goals can be achieved in a numerous amount of ways. I believe that there is no set sequence to life. I believe that we must live first, and work second. I believe we must put our hearts and souls into whatever it is we dream about. I believe that waiting is a game for fools. I believe that imagination should never run dry, and doing odd things is a good thing. I believe a house with a thousand spare bedrooms, is better then a house with a few larger fun rooms. I believe country life is essential, and city life is superb. I believe we can be everything we want to be all at once. I believe in people. I believe in princess. I believe in me. 

It used to drive me up the wall when J would tell me I was thinking about things the wrong way. Now I appreciate those comments, because it means I'm staying true to the differences that make me who I am. 

I'll challenge everything. 

overcoming fear

Saturday I woke up to rain. I was disappointed because I was really hoping to go up on my hike. I needed the fresh air, and the large spaces. Finally by noon the sky cleared enough for me to brave the potential rain, and I headed out. Adorned with my ipod stuffed in a cut-up tube sock on my arm, and my awesome orange Nike's, I hit the road and didn't stop till I reached the top.

There I let myself breath, took out the head phones, swigged some water, and sat myself down on a man made bench. The view from "my spot" is beautiful. Perhaps even more so after a morning rain. Although the air wasn't a pine tree scent like I would prefer, the freshness was good enough for me, and I began to let myself think of all the things I was burdened with. 

Fear of not being smart enough to start a business.

Fear that I won't earn the money in time.

Fear that some how I won't be able to get all the scarves home.

Fear that this might all be a bigger success then I thought, and I'll be stuck with not enough scarves.

Fear that people will make fun of my awful spelling and use of too man coma's.

Fear that I will be a horrible role model, boss, friend, mother, wife, spokes person, or whatever else.

Fear that I won't make my company centered around Christ.

Fear that I will loose sight in all things. 

Fear that I will let my fear get the best of me. 

In my "Business Bible" I have read and re-read all the pages and stories about fear. I have collected quotes and antidotes. Yet, as much as I try to shake it, I sit here still trembling with the thoughts of doubt. 

But what helps this, is what happened Saturday afternoon on top of that mountain.

I prayed for a clear mind, and a clear heart. I prayed for the understanding of what I should and must do. & for the confirmation that what I am embarking on was the right thing for me, my future family, and God's plan. 

After praying I sat silently for a moment trying to be still the voices in my mind. After a truly quiet moment or two, I decided to read some scripture. I have had the goal to finish the Book of Mormon, and had been reading a chapter a day, my plan then was to read just that one chapter.. but by miracle (seriously, a miracle. i never read more then what i have to when it comes to the scriptures...) I continued on. I read the last chapter of Ether, and then the book of Moroni. (that means I finished, by the way. go me!) When I came to chapter 7, some of my fears were silenced. 

"But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually; wherefore, every thing which inviteth and enticeth to do good, and to love God, and to serve him, is inspired of God. " 

my answer that yes, this business endeavor is inspired of God

continuing on..

"...Men began to exercise faith in Christ; and thus by faith, they did lay hold upon every good thing; and thus it was until the coming of Christ. 

And after that he came men also were saved by faith in his name; and by faith, they become the sons of God. and as surely as Christ liveth he spake these words unto our fathers, saying: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you."

I ask for confidence that this is my story, that this is what I should do with my life. For the faith to believe in myself. 

 "And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope? 

And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.

Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there can not be any hope. 

And again, behold i say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart. "

I am given reason to have faith, to have hope, and how to obtain them. 

"If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity."

The keys on how to be a successful leader, mother, wife, boss, friend.. Charity. Christ like love. Pure love. 

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 

wherefore my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth."

"Wherefore my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."

The plea to never loose sight of God. I can not do this, or anything else alone. I must have faith and trust in the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.. If I am to succeed in anything. I must grow towards him with full intent. And above all things, I must become filled with his love, purified to be like Him.

These scriptures and many more have helped me to focus my mind and heart once again on what is truly important. & the true, and only, road to success. 

fear and faith can not live within the same body. I must choose one. 

It's scary, it's a lot, it's life changing, and it's binding..

but it's worth it. 

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes.”… you must do the thing you think you can not do. –Eleanor Roosevelt 

Everything is unknown by definition.

scared out of my wits!

Well, turns out I know nothing about starting my own business. But I knew that from the beginning. In fact, I knew I wasn't good with numbers, that i quickly get ahead of myself, that promising Jacob and his family an education was a BIG concrete deal, and that i have zero dollars in the good ol' bank account. yeah, I knew all of that.

but i went ahead and started this up anyway.

It hasn't even been a week yet, and i am scared out of my wits! So much has potential to go wrong, and every time i turn a corner i find another mountain to climb. Why did i think i could start a business on my own? with no resources, and no experience? am i honestly THAT crazy?

yeah, I am crazy. But that is besides the point. I went ahead and started this movement because I have the capability to give Jacob an opportunity. And that is enough for me. It's going to be hard, I'm going to mess up more times then i can count, (seriously, i am bad with numbers.) and i might end up loosing all of my hair and friends by the time i see success... but it will be worth it.

to see Jacob walk into that school, hear him say his first English word, or watch the faces of his family as he runs to them after each school day to tell them everything that's happened.. those will be the big moments that all of these little trials add up to. Those will be the trophies of success, and the vision that, yeah, this was the right choice. :)

For moral support and sanity i have been reading a business book called 'Start Something that Matters' written by Blake Mycoskie. (the founder of TOMS.) It has given me superb ideas, loads of confidence in myself and my business, and has calmed my anxiety levels ten fold. The book is filled with inspiration from his own stories, and stories from other entrepreneurs. ( i can't even spell that word) It also has six simple elements to consider when starting a business, and loads of inspirational quotes to help move you past your fears or set-backs. This book as been a life savour! One of my favourite sections thus far is the one all about facing your fear. (no surprise there.) Some of the things I have found helpful and personally invigorating are;

"I knew what I was doing could change the lives of many people, and the desire to make that difference was stronger then all the fears i kept having to face." ( a quote from his mother when she wrote and published her own book about eating healthy. she sold over a million copies.)

"Fear happens, and it happens to everyone."

"Instead of responding to fear with action, to many people stop acting when they feel fear. They feel overwhelmed. They retreat. They give up. And often, they use it as an excuse not to start something that matters."

"Those who are successful face up to their fears, and create plans to overcome them."

"Have the courage of your convictions."

"Everyone who succeeds battles through adversity."

"Fear is one of our most powerful emotions, and the more we focus on it, the more it grows and distorts our behaviour. Focus on what you can control; your actions. How you react to negative feelings will be the key to your success. Becoming comfortable with fear, and acting confidently in its face, will not only give you more courage when facing it next time but will also greatly increase your chances of achieving success and happiness."

Honestly, i could go on and on. The book is filled with such great advice, and soothing anecdotes to anxiety.

Even as i sit here and write this, my stomach is doing belly flops and my skin is ridden with cold chills.  I AM SCARED. Actually, let's use the word terrified, I'm sure that more accurately describes it. My sleep patterns the past few days have been slim to none, my need to eat has gone right out the window, & my ideas for coping with all other personal matters is tears and music. I have no option to fail here. It's Jacobs education or bust.

perhaps though, it's not just my lack of knowledge in all aspects of what i'm embarking on that scares me.. but the potential that this.. idea, this movement, has a very good possibility of going big. Bigger then i anticipated, maybe even bigger then i can imagine. When I told Jacob's family of my idea.. things inside of me began to align. I could literally almost feel myself coming back together again. I now had a purpose infused with determination.. and i was proud of it. This fact scares the living daylights out of me!.. but it also has given me a reason to wake up in the morning, i want to see where this leads me, where it leads us.

so yeah, i know nothing about what i am doing. But what i do know, is that my life, Jacob's life, Jacob's families life, and perhaps other lives... will be changed because two days ago.. i was filled with courage of my convictions.

lets embark!

Jacob's Scarves

This is Jacob.

 He is two years old, and one of the happiest people I have ever met. 

He lives in Dachong, at the bottom of my apartment, with his mom, dad, grandpa and grandma.

Everyday you will find him either playing outside with his two favourite toys, helping his family cut jeans, or hiding from the heat by taking a nap. 

Today we made it official that we will help him get an education. 

but not just any education. A bi-lingual one. 

because of this, Jacob has been given a future. 

a future with a thousand doors. 

:) 

Today, JACOB'S SCARVES was born. 

This is a non-profit business dedicated solely to the education of this little boy. 

Come July look forward to attending (and hosting!) JACOB'S SCARVES parties, seeing his flyer, & checking the "monthly 20" on FaceBook.  

trust me, you'll want in on this. Because not only will you be looking GREAT, but you'll also be feeling great too!

Here's to changing the world, one child at a time! :)

travel vs. family

Something I have known I have always wanted to do in my life was travel. I knew I always wanted to stand at the edge of Niagara Falls, or climb the Great Wall of China,  visit the great pyramids in Egypt, cut through the jungles in Cambodia, or relax on the island of Jamaica. I knew it. I also knew I didn't want to travel just for leisure, but also to make a difference. I wanted to see lives change everywhere, not just in my home town.  I never knew how I was going to travel. I just knew that somehow, I would. Not questioning it once, opportunities presented themselves. Without a college education, or a savings account that would rock your world, I've now lived in two different countries, and visited seven. I also have been blessed with being able to travel for leisure, and also to make a difference in a childs life.

Everything I said I was going to do, I have done. I graduated High School and without fear, stepped into an unknown world and became apart of it. And, I have loved every moment of it. Yes, I was occasionally miserable in freezing Moscow. Yes, at times i felt extremely alone. Yes, living in the ghetto of China isn't particularly pleasant. But I am willing to take all of this "bad", in exchange for all the incredible good.

I love finding myself in situations and places i never in a million years thought i would be. Whether its playing basketball till dusk with a bunch of Chines guys, or being smooshed on a bus holding a pie on our way to celebrate Thanksgiving in Moscow, or talking to a one legged seagull as i ate my delicious morning pastry in Stockholm. Moments like these aren't created in your mind, they are created by living life. When I am abroad, every day, I wake up to something new. something exciting. I wake up to a day where I can both sit back and relax, but also make a difference. Because I travel, I know bliss.

Being a mother and a wife, on the other hand, hasn't always been such a peachy idea. In fact, I'm sure if it wasn't for my LDS upbringing, becoming either of these two things perhaps may never have crossed my mind. Indeed I have been caught up in the excitement of wedding dreams, and naming your "one day children", and imagining just how perfect my home would be. And I won't deny that i thoroughly enjoy these conversations. But I can also say honestly, that above all things traveling has always come first in my mind.

For me personally. When I picture being a mother and wife, I picture contention, lost dreams, becoming complacent, mundane tasks, and never ending to-do lists.  I visualize myself teaching my children all the wrong things, and having little boogers be their out come. I picture myself yelling at my husband for nothing, because he is already doing everything he can. I picture a house that is never clean, an "I wish i would have" journal that is always full, and a heart that could never honestly tell what it was feeling.

For me, I would rather travel the world and experience all it has to offer, teach hundreds of different kids, and essentially answer to no one.

But what do you do when you fall in love? Even though you weren't planning on it? What do you do when the person you fall in love with, dreams of providing for a family? & what do you do, if the one you love, helps you to see what you haven't see?

Today, as I talked to Jeremy, he asked me which I would rather have. A family, or to travel? After seriously thinking about it, i replied to him ( even thought I'm sure it's not what he wanted to hear) that I would choose travel. I told him that I have always wanted to be out there in the world experiencing and making a difference. I expressed to him how it feels to walk the streets of Dachong, or buckle myself into another plane flight. I told him that I already knew I could do good here, and that I could also be doing good for people back home. If I were alone and traveling. I also told him how i have never wanted to just have any ol' job, or do the same thing day in and day out. And I also told him how absolutely positively terrified I am of becoming a wife and mother. I told him that I knew I would be horrible at both, and that it was much easier for me to take care of many children for a few hours, then few children for all the hours. above all, I told him I was afraid.

to this he replied, "And what if you put the same gumption and motivation you have towards travel, towards family?" What if you went into family knowing you were going to be, or try every day to be, the best darn wife and mother there ever was? What if you woke up thinking, this is a new experience today, a beautiful one? What if you took all the bad that family life may deal you, and work at it one problem at a time? And always remembered that at least, at the end of the day if nothing else went right, you are surrounded by people you love. And what if, you let fear of being a horrible mother and wife, go? Just, let it go. (can you see why i love him?)

After thinking about what he said, i started to turn over each situation. Pastries on the shore of Stokholm became PB&J's in the backyard. Bus trips in Moscow became road trips to grandma's house. Buying myself a turtle at the local market became my son bringing home a stray dog. Freezing cold weather in Russia, became our heater breaking down in December. Bickering teachers, became impatient parents. And smelly ally-ways became dirty houses. Suddenly, everything flipped for me, and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel of Motherhood.

Then I thought of Sergey and his first day of class, and how we became best friends. I thought of how he would still ask for me, even though I had gone. And I pictured my own son loving me just as much. I pictured the tight bonds i created with the girls from previous adventures, and fell in love with the bonds of husband and wife. I pictured changing the life of my own child, and my life changing through the love of my husband.

Suddenly, motherhood and becoming a wife, weren't so scary. Of course, a lot more can go wrong, and consequences can be a lot more devastating. But because of this, much more can go right and those things will last forever. Family is one eternal round. One beautiful adventure.

When it comes to the question of  travel vs family...
this girl, the one who always believed travel above all things, has switched teams.
 But it's only because I have a great team leader. ;)

Jeremy is right. Actually, in a way, we are both right. And because we are both right, we are perfect for each other.

I always sort of thought I would never fall in love and get married young. In fact, I always thought that perhaps I would never get married at all. Because I thought this, I became okay with it. But, if God has given me the blessing of having eternal potential with Jeremy.. you bet your bottom dollar I'm going to take it. Because above all things previous, nothing has ever made more sense to me.

 Yes, I am still scared to take a step in the other direction.
 and no, I will not give up on traveling.

Jeremy and I will create our own wonderful world to wake up to.

& to be honest, no matter how scared I may get..
he will always be my first choice.

day 30 has come and gone

day thirty has now officially come and gone. & what did i do all day yesterday? i layed on my bed, skyped my boyfriend, cried a little, ate cookies, dressed up like Lady GaGa, had my fair share of bread pieces, and pinterest the night away.

Did i work out? no. Did i drink a lot of water? no. Did i work on my self control? no. Did i go on a walk? no. Did i do anything i wanted to do? no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no.

Was i happy with myself when i woke up this morning? no. Did i love the person i saw in the mirror? no. Did i feel good inside? no. Do I wish to re-do my day yesterday? no. no. no. no. no.

I wish to start again. Day thirty may have come and gone with absolutely no results (okay, hopefully that isn't entirely true..) but that doesn't mean that days sixty and ninety will play the same rule. i'm giving myself another week before i test my results, and see my out comes. another week to try again. another week to work harder then ever. and another week to stop whining.

to be honest, up until the past couple of days, i haven't done to bad with my p90x goal. I did the workout every day, and that counts in my book. But days are long. especially here. and i know i can do more with my time. not just for my physical body, but for my mental and spiritual bodies as well. ( and my sanity. don't forget my sanity.)

so yesterday, even though i was calling it a rough day and throwing in the towel, i got the gumption to write myself a list of eleven more goals i want to implement for myself. starting today. rain or shine.

this list is a physical list. because this is the part of me i want to attack with all my forces. this is the part of me that i feel is holding me back from obtaining spiritual or mental bliss. Perhaps if i felt good, felt accomplished, and gave myself the opportunity to look in the mirror and be pleased with what i see physically.. i will broaden my abilities to shape the rest of me that has bloated.

one step. one push-up. one mile. will hopefully lead to one more smile. one more helping hand. and one more patient being.

i know this may seem backyards, but believe me.. for me, it isn't. I have struggled with the pain of hating everything about myself for so long. i have seen the effects that poor health decision make for my spirit, and i have felt the rewarding bliss of a good decision. i am fully aware that when i take care of my body, i am simultaneously preparing the rest of me to raise the bar. & my bar should have been raised years ago.

currently i hold the position to directly influence three lives. we are in an intimate setting, and all eyes are on me. i don't want to leave this post knowing i could have done a thousand times better. No, i want to leave knowing i gave it my all, and then some. I want to lay my head on my pillow completely exhausted from keeping myself composed, happy, strong, and needed. i want to help mold the lives around me towards the goals that each of them posses. i want my existence to make a difference.

These three girls are not the only ones i have to work hard for. but also the children. the people i am here to serve. When i walk into that classroom every day, i want them to see that i am a happy confident women, but most importantly, that i am a happy confident women who loves them. I have seen the affects of giving all your love to a child you barely know. They are everlasting, and they are strong. Especially the students here. School isn't just a couple of hours of play time and reading.. it's ten hours of  studying, and learning new skills. It's ten hours away from a home environment.  I will not allow my poor personal choices to have any more disheartening affects on anyone. including myself. Not when i have complete opportunity to perhaps change a life entirely. The scale is horribly uneven.

My influence does not stop there. i also have a loving family, and a little sister. A little sister i do not have the best relationship with, but a little sister i believe in. She probably doesn't know this, but among all the people i know.. she is one i have always known would do great things. She has a spirit of gumption and adventure. and i do not want to leave her guide-less. I may not be able to do much, but anything i can do, any minute detail i can apply.. is more then i could ask for.  If i am too busy hating on myself, and wallowing in my misery for very much longer, i may miss this opportunity. Is that worth that cookie? or the decision not to get up in the morning? No way in hell.

Perhaps where my self hatred has affected my relationship the most, is with my one and only. Jeremy has never seen the kind of me i want to be. The kind of me i believe i was at one point. or even the kind of me that i wish to present to the rest of my life. He has been stuck with an awfully miserable person. But not only miserable, but also mean. I'm telling you, Jeremy is the greatest blessing in my life. He has saved me time and time again with many a things. He makes me smile when i no longer want to. He has provided a whole new world for me. And i return the favour with complaints and non-stop whining. This is not what a man like Jeremy deserves. But the best part? Although, (from some crazy reason) he loves me entirely for what i am now, he believes in me. He knows i can become a better person, and helps me daily to get there. If i don't change my habits and ways for any other reason... for him, it will be enough. I want to show Jeremy a girl he  can be proud of. One that will make all of his wonderful ways, worth it. A girl that will return all his favours, ten fold. I want to be better, so Jeremy can finally have what he deserves.

so you see, i am done being lazy. done being whiny. done making stupid decisions. and sooo done with talking about all of this.

i'm ready for action. i'm ready for change. & i am ready to bring home a kiri i am proud of.

so, after all this jib-jab, here are my eleven new physical goals for this week. And i would say wish me luck, but that's not what i need. i need firm resolution. So if you can wish that, please do.

1. drink. water. constantly. always carry a water bottle everywhere i go.
2. zero fast food.
3. no soda
4. go on a walk every day
5. eat 5 small healthy meals a day
6. 20 minutes of cardio daily
7. maintain good posture
8. ten correct push-ups a day
9. ten reverse sit-ups a day
10. lessen the soy sauce intake.
11. deep breath more often

another list another list another list.

yes, i am well aware. but each time, i get a little better. a little stronger. let's not forget that i almost made it to day thirty this time. Proof to myself that i can successfully, and proudly, make it to day sixty.

it may not be easy, but it will be worth it, i assure you. 

stay alive

a bit on leaving.

im lingering with everything i do.

& i'm trying to drag out as muuuuuuuuuuuuch as humanly possible.

BUT. i gotta get excited again to 

go, go, GO!

Ok, lettuce be honest here. 

I actually am really really excited to go! 

I get to discover a whole new world! 

& do it with some amazing girls! 

things have been extremely good here at home.

extremely. 

But nothing could hold me back from the world, 

my life IS the world. 

It's a good thing home is wherever love is,

or else the world would be a pretty lonely place.

so wherever I go, 

I'll never be lost. 

because of what i have right here, right now.

always. 

we're always together. all of us. 

:)

so, ready or not..

World, here i come!

Mood busters

Mama sent me this in an email. But if I could add one thing, piano music. Listening to someone calmly play majestic simple piano music could kick any rotten mood for me. Ps. I LOVE Eckhart tolle. Live in the moment As the old saw goes, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Living in the moment reduces significantly our exposure to blue moments. “Find the narrow gate that leads to life. It is called the Now,” is a wisdom of Eckhart Tolle, a “living in the moment” guru. “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” When we bring ourselves into the present and truly experience each unique moment of our lives, we have no time for living in the past or future. Living in the past generates guilt, shame and disappointment. Those lost in the future create anxiety and fear by their endless worry. Both past and future are petrie dishes for the blues. Tolle continues, “The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created. Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” Spend your emotional capitol living in the present moment, not in the past which we cannot change, or the future which is not yet real. The blues and blahs will visit far less often. Exercise Exercise is a mood buster. Along with “improved mood, increased ability to handle stress, and improved self esteem, exercise results in increased feelings of energy and the decrease in symptoms of depression.” Even a brief walk at low intensity can improve mood and increase energy. As little as 10 minutes of aerobic exercise can have a positive effect. “For long- term benefits, exercise three times a week for 30 minutes per session at a moderate intensity," says the Association for Applied Sport Pyschology. "Programs longer than 10 weeks work best for reducing symptoms of depression.” Watch your favorite movie Sometimes I think that my son was raised by the high school football classic, “Remember the Titans.” He watched it countless times. One day I asked him why he watched it so often. His answer surprised me. “I just feel better after I watch it.” He had learned a way to regulate his mood. Just the act of taking care of self by allowing the taking of time to watch one’s favorite movie can change mood. Many mothers especially feel endless demands on their time and energy. It can be waring. Taking a moment of enjoyment for self sends a rather clear message, “I deserve this, and I am worth it!” That very true statement, in and of itself, can be a mood buster. Connect Spiritually Connecting spiritually means much more than the Sunday school answers of pray, read the scriptures and go to church. It means contemplating your place in this universe, the wonder of life itself and the connection we all have as we walk this path. No matter what our sense of God or religion is, connecting to the powers that guide our universe can bring comfort, peace and serenity into our lives. Take others with you One of the 12 steps of the self-help movement challenges those working the steps to “share this message with others and practice these principles in all you do,” this is also an appropriate guide for accomplished “mood busters.” One of our human quirks is that we are often chameleons when it comes to mood. We tend to take on the mood of those around us, or at least be affected by them. By avoiding down moods and being healthy in our approach to life, we can effectively raise the mood of those in our sphere of influence. Tuning forks pick up the vibrations of any other tuning fork and cannot avoid joining in. Being healthy and managing the elements that can create “bad” moods can be just as contagious among friends and associates. Eyore from "Winnie the Pooh" is known to be a mood killer for those he comes in contact with. Individuals that learn good mood management techniques are not. They serve as healthy emotional tuning forks whose "good vibrations" are shared by all that come in contact with them.  

goals galore!

new years resolutions have always been a list for me.
24, maybe 50 goals i set for myself. how many are achieved by December? not even close to half of half. in fact, most of the time i don't even remember what my goals are. So this year i finally got a little smarter and decided to make only a few personal goals. One's i could really strive to achieve and watch myself accomplish.
I'll have to admit though, some of these really scare me, and i'm already second guessing them. but! I still want to try. I want to be able to stand at the end of year 2012 and say " I did that. I accomplished every single resolution." :)

2012 goals for myself:

1. Run the St. George marathon.

this one really freaks me out because that's a lot of running!! However, whether i enter into marriage covenants or missionary ones when i return from my adventures.. i want to be in tip top shape! No frumpy sister missionary for me! ( or embarrassing wedding night) :/ haha

2. Eat no MSG.

I've decided to do no MSG again, because i LOVE no eating or drinking foods that are designed for me to be addicted to. I want to be the master of my own wants and desires, and i'm starting with food. Yes, that means no top roman, no Doritos, and no precious Dr. Pepper... but hey, self mastery is worth it, right?

3. Love like Christ

This one is a majour one for me. It's a little harder to clock then the other two, but i'm hoping i will be able to see the effects through a myriad of things, and not just visually. i have so many people in my life that are amazing. People left and right that i just adore. Some old, some new. But every single one of them deserves the absolute best. And i want to be sure i'm giving that to them. I never want someone to leave my house and think less about themselves. or be worried that now their name will be slandered. I want to love each person i know, with every bit of my heart. Unconditionally and without hesitation. No more anger, irritability, gossiping, or deceiving.

4. officially write down and perfect the bucket list.

currently in process, and currently LOVIN it. My life is going to be one heck of a ride. :)

so these are my four WORTHY ACHIEVABLE New Year's Resolutions. Now here's to stickin with it! :)

i want to be

a hard working student.

positvely emotionaly charged.

radiant

alive

creative

giving

outstanding

worth knowing

accepting

strong

elegant

stable

grateful

and perfectly the way i am meant to be.

{and yes, that does include going back blonde with no bangs. can'twait.}

i belong a lot of places.

i belong near the ocean. With my old long blonde hair blowing in the wind as i hold my elbows against my light purple hoodie. toes in the sand.

i belong on the top of a tall grassy hill. laying right in the middle of a sun ray.

i belong on a metro train. eyes open wide, ears filled with a musical composition of greatness.

i belong at the bow of a boat. arms open wide, skirt flying up.

i belong in a large white bed. snuggled by a feather down blanket and the softest pillow your head will ever know.

i belong in the blue eyes of my cousin Cody, the arms of my cousin Tashi, and the mind of my Uncle Mike.

i belong in a meadow of yellow flowers as the sun sets. arms open wide.

i belong on the hard cold floor of my yoga class room. peaceful to the core.

i belong right in the middle of a pumpkin chocolate chip cookie.

i belong in my living room at three in the morning. with a cup of cocoa in hand, and twinkling christmas tree lights in my perfect view.

i belong in the smile of my dad. the one that makes his cheeks chubby like a child.

i belong on a horses back with closed eyes.

i belong plopped in front of my computer screen at nine o' clock when Glee comes available to me.

i belong in the same room as Jadon and Shelbi singing a perfectly harmonized duet. tears over flowing.

i belong in the childrens hospital. on my knees, over come with gratitude.

i belong next to Sergey and his PSP. him and his mullet. me and my hat.

i belong on long walks with Trevor. talking till our throats are sore and our minds are blanketed with complete tiredness.

i belong in the moments where my mom is happiest.

i belong in my friends memories. at the time i was strongest, and made a real difference. a real good one.

i belong on the misty mountains of China. The place where Dr. Suess was inspired.

i belong on a bus. rolling over golden orange hills of red and brown.

i belong in a caroling group. standing next to friend and friend, lungs bursting, tears streaming, heart pounding, gratitude exuding.

i belong in the window seat. looking out at the coloured playground and dying trees.

i belong so many places, i forgot. because i've placed myself in so many places i don't.

just do it.

i am falling more and more in love with Nike every time i get on pinterest. {new obsession} {way better then fb.}

so, this week i want to JUST DO IT.

seriously.

motivate.

reminder to self:

i deserve better than you. 

wake up!

i don't know what my deal is exactly...

i have all the need and want to get up in the morning and work out, or work on school stuff, or make jennie breakfast..but when it comes to ACTUALLY getting out of bed come alarm clock time at 7.. my mind shuts off and my body does NOT move.

it pretty much is enough to drive me crazy.
how am i supposed to be hot if i spend all my time in bed? ;)

derrrr, savour the two precious hours in the morning and GET UP!

so, that's my goal this week.

to be up by seven EVERY morning.

pray for me :)

{ps. guess who has an interview at Costco on Tuesday? THIS GIRL! wish me luck!} 

morning pilates

i just walked into my apartment, house, home. and i'm feeling reaaaaaallly good.

I'd like to blame it on the morning Pilates. :)

I have never really done Pilates before, but its quite the work out!
I'm not particularly sweaty, but i can feel the muscles all over my body being lengthened, and stretched.
My instructor says Pilates is supposed to be prime for helping with your posture and what not, done deal.

my posture is rotten.
but thanks to my new class every Friday at 10:30, i'll be in tip top shape come my twentieth birthday!! {huzzah!}

if you can, look for a local class, or buy a CD and do it at home, once a week is good enough, and i'm sure we will all be feeling the benefits in no time. AND seeing them. {the important part} ;)

So here's to a swell postured weekend!