The dentist

I haven't felt like I've had much to say lately. But today I want to share my thoughts on going to the dentist (as the throbbing pain in my jaw is an indicator that this is a timely topic).

Going to the dentist to have anything beyond a cleaning may perhaps be the most unnatural thing I do. I was not genetically blessed with good teeth. I'm fairly certain between my parents and I, we've spent more on my teeth than on my college education. I don't have a single tooth in my mouth that hasn't been fixed in one way or another. I no longer use Novocaine when I get fillings. If they hit a nerve, I cringe and move on. Today was a milestone in my dental history.

Today I had to get my first ever crown. I sure as hell hope this is my last crown for a couple of reasons. 1) these suckers are freakin' expensive!! 2)  Two and half hours of drilling, drilling, drilling torture and we're only half way done?! (And only half way done paying for it-- thanks, payment plan!) They were supposed to put in a filling too but we ran out of time and I threw up in my mouth a little when they told me how much that would add to my bill. I don't think they appreciated that.

I did let them numb me today though. But I wish there was a way to numb my eardrums. I put on my earbuds and cranked up my iPod as loud as I could but nothing drowned out the shrieking of the drill. I started thinking what aliens would think if they came and saw people laying in chairs while others stood around them drilling, squirting water and sucking water for hours on end. Would they think this was completely bizarre too? I had a lot of time to think while I was reclined.

So I'm only half way done with the crown process. I have to protect this temporary weird spacer cap until the shiny smooth real crown is ready. Two weeks and then I return for more torture and to pay them the other half of the torture fee. I really really really hate going to the dentist. Really. Truly. Hate.

I am Taiwanese. Right?

I was nominated to take part in the Taiwanese American Citizen League Leadership Conference this weekend.  At first I was a little confused as to why I was being nominated. I wasn't confused by the leadership part but by the organization hosting it. Yes, I'm aware that I am Taiwanese. I just never realized that my "peeps" recognized or claimed me.

I remember distinctly walking through the West Mall at UT during my freshman year of college where all of the organizations set up little booths recruiting new members. I walked past the table for the Asian sorority and one girl asked another "Should I give her a flyer?" to which another girl replied "No, she's too white."

So that's kind of been my mentality. I'm not Asian enough. (What does that even mean?! My DNA is 100% Asian.)

My family grew up in a suburb of Dallas where there was a good population of Chinese/Taiwanese folk. I thought we were active in that community. We went to Chinese school on Saturdays with everyone else and took piano and math and ballet lessons. We learned and carried out the traditions of our culture. Our schools weren't very diverse though. My family (cousins too) were one of the few ethnic racial families and we didn't have the opportunity to befriend too many other Asians.

Did that start my path to not being Asian enough?

So, I digress, I was nominated to attend this conference and I'm heading there in another hour. I'm a little nervous about going. I'm nervous about being called out as a fraud and being "too white." With conferences like this, I'm usually just nervous about having to do role play and team building, which to me are in the same category as shower games (which by the way, I loathe). So we'll see how it goes!

Memory lane

I have kept a diary or journal for much of my life. I remember getting my first diary from Santa in elementary school and I would write all sorts of juicy tidbits about my life in it. (Years later, I learned that my sisters would go through and edit my entries for spelling errors and such but that's for another post.) So I recently went through my journals from 1997 to present and re-read most of the entries. Some years I scanned over but I read for the most part. I have come up with a few realizations.

1) I was (perhaps still am) one whiney little b*tch!!
2) I have such first world problems and what made the highlight reel of my journals is so embarrassing.
3) I have really fun handwriting. I missed my calling as the Home Depot sign writer.
4) All those stupid girls in my favorite romance novels that I make fun of... well I was that stupid girl.

I am so thankful that I have grown up some and that I can look back on those periods of my life and laugh at how ridiculous I was. I really hope my 50 year old self can look back at my present day journal and find the first glimpses of wisdom forming. Gah. Seriously. If I could wipe out 1997-1999 I may be able to hold my head up just a little higher.

I am very thankful I don't have a daughter. I am thankful that I have a son. (I'm sure boys are just as dumb as girls but I don't have written proof of that in any journals, so I'm sticking with the ignorance is bliss route on this.) I am thankful for my friends who stuck through my crazy. I'm thankful I found a man who loves me. I am thankful that I love me now.

Speaking of... Wow. Reading your own self-deprecating words is hard! I'm glad I documented all of those things so that I can look back and see that I've come a long ways in many areas, but seriously... if I could go back and just shake sense into my 19-year-old self! I could have really avoided some dumb dumb dumb moments.

Anticipation

I was asked to write a blog post for my church facebook page. I thought I'd copy it here for preservation.

In thinking about Advent and how this is a time of anticipation… anticipation of the arrival of Jesus… expectations of joy and peace… I think of how anticipation, expectation, and waiting have become the norm throughout the entire calendar of my life and not just during the Advent season.

I am always in a state of anticipation.  I feel as if I’m always waiting for whatever it is that I am waiting for. For an impatient person, it’s a very tiring practice.

I am waiting for the next step in my husband’s schooling. I am waiting for the day my child eats a meal without protest. I am waiting for the day we can feel financially stable. I am waiting to discover the magic pill that will just melt the fat off the regions I obsess over. I am waiting… anticipating… expecting that all of this will bring peace and joy… and affirmation that the wait was worthwhile.

I know that I’m focusing so much on the end result that I am losing sight of the present. I am so caught up in the “what is to come” that I overlook what blessings and miracles are happening right before my eyes every day.

But what I know and what I practice are definitely not in the same realm. I often wonder if I’m capable of letting go of the anticipation and living in the promise. Perhaps if I gave it more than 30 seconds my focus would shift and I would feel the joy, the peace, the hope that I mentally know awaits me now.

Scientific term for people who hate bananas

(WARNING: This post is incredibly random but it's what's on my mind)

The title of this post is actually something I typed into Google. I'm convinced there must be some kind of scientific study on people like me who can't stand the smell or taste of bananas. It's amazing the search results that come back... including my favorite "Why do ghosts hate bananas?" (in case you're curious that link takes you to a joke that was so bad I wouldn't deem it worthy of being on a banana Laffy Taffy wrapper, which of course I don't eat) And did you know that according to the internet people in Malaysia believe those who eat a lot of bananas repel mosquitoes? You know what that tells me? Even mosquitoes hate the smell of bananas. I'm not sure that there is another food out there that I absolutely despise as much. Aren't you glad you read this post?

Elf on a shelf

For a couple of years now I've thought of doing Elf on the Shelf. Pinterest makes it seem like a lot of fun making a mischievous elf count down to Christmas... but holy moly it seems like a lot of work! Pinterest has taught me that ordinary just isn't good enough anymore. I could very easily just move the elf from one place to another each night (assuming I remember to move him) but then I would have nothing to take pictures of and blog about or facebook brag about! I need to have my elf taking a "bubble" bath in a bowl of marshmallows or knocking a bag of flour off onto the counter tops with fresh baked cookies beside him. But the only thing I see when I see these pictures on Pinterest is a bag of wasted marshmallows and flour that I'm pretty sure the elf isn't going to help me clean up. Am I being a lazy parent by robbing my child of this Christmas "tradition"? Yes, probably. Oh well. I can live with that.

Michele

Earlier this summer I read a book about a plane crash while getting on a plane. It wasn't the wisest decision that I made. But I read "The Fault in Our Stars" tonight about cancer, life and death and it brought words to the feelings I am experiencing. I lost a friend today and heaven gained someone wonderful. You are missed, Michele. Thank you for your friendship.